BY jaeda

09/01 Direct Link
waiting always waiting always to blame I have the power over time yet I am powerless to stop it powerless to go back unable to grasp those few fleeting moments lost my memory resurfacing like bits and pieces of dreams tickling and teasing sending my thoughts to a thousand different places and eventually right back to my point of impotence back to where it all begins back to where my heart is torn in two back to the place where priorities become blurred where and safety war with love and need and eventually I am the only one who loses
09/02 Direct Link
weighted down by all I owe everyone expects so much but I have very little to give and I am usually unable to give the most to the one who deserves it to the one I want to give everything to I am stagnant stuck stranded by circumstance left hollow by my lack of ability my need becomes so great and outraces my actions outraces my capabilities I distance myself cold careless with the most fragile of things a wall a shell protection against the inevitable denying myself that which will be denied so soon pretending I don't need her
09/03 Direct Link
I wish you could understand I do not explain things well I am clumsy with words and your pain makes me stumble and stutter and then nothing I say comes out right and I fumble for the words to tell you to show you to make you believe that it’s real to make you believe that what I feel isn’t transient it won’t fade it won’t go away it just gets bigger and deeper and more there more in my way coloring every moment of my life leaving me restless pushing me toward the inevitable ending that is our beginning
09/04 Direct Link
empty minutes empty hours waiting filled with longing waiting always waiting wasted hours any thought that doesn’t include you worthless time slipping slowly laboring through wasted moments void of your touch void of you empty time passes empty lost no direction wandering no purpose but to move closer in time always time fighting internally eternally end of time end of minutes hours days weeks sleep lost in sleep refuge for the weary haven for my aching heart battling against the ever present strain of time the threat of loss the need for your touch blurs all patience obliterates all reason
09/05 Direct Link
I’m not who you think I am I’m not strong or sweet or pretty or clean sometimes I say things that are not sometimes anger clouds my vision and makes me see things that aren’t really there sometimes jealousy makes me idiotic and I lash out at those that love me out of fear because if I run them off before I care too much it won’t hurt as much when they leave me right it won’t make my shattered heart bleed out into my chest in icy rivulets when the one I love looks at me with empty eyes
09/06 Direct Link
perpetually at a loss for words never knowing which will best explain how I feel to myself and to everyone else especially you attempting to put some sort of name or description to the thoughts in my head when none seem to fit trying to label things I could never even conceive of before wondering if I'm doing this right or if I'm going to end up hurting everyone, including myself which will probably be the case as it usually is when I'm involved normal is not a familiar concept serenity isn't my friend train wreck thy name is jaeda
09/07 Direct Link
no walls no boundaries no borders that haven't been there for four months already nothing I can say or do to convince you that the only thing that has changed is the rest of the world our little bubble is forced to adapt to our surroundings and that makes things different but the feelings are still the same the need is just as intense I crave your words as much as I did before but now I know that if I go a day without them, you'll still be there and I wish I could convince you of the same
09/08 Direct Link
I felt a lack of you today for the first time in forever and I don't know how to handle that it seems we are hurtling toward a conclusion that neither of us can control everything has gone on auto-pilot and no matter what we want or need I fear the end will be the same today is the first time I have ever felt that you might end it all that you might leave me for lack of a better phrase and the entire idea leaves me hollow inside vacant and forlorn and raw and angry at my life
09/09 Direct Link
I wake out of a doped up restless sleep with your name on my lips are you dreaming of me did you call me in your sleep do you feel me disoriented ready for the day to get started to be over to bring me one day closer to you did you call me do you need me awake but dreaming of you feeling the pull of your heart tugging me closer wanting me there dizzy drained needing your touch aching to feel you next to me longing to feel you reach for me your hands hot your body ready
09/10 Direct Link
do you remember? do you remember when “I miss you” meant so much more? When “I miss you” meant virtually everything except I miss you? when every thought about us made you smile? do you remember? when I’d say “hi baby” and you would get that silly sweet smile that made my heart beat wildly? when I was your escape from all that upset you, instead of the cause of all that upsets you? do you remember? when hearing my voice caused you to hurl objects across the room? I remember it all baby, I just wish it was enough.
09/11 Direct Link
falling behind lost in the depths of every day bullshit that sometimes I need you so much things will start to ache and I need you even more just to be there to patronize me and pat me on the head and tell me things will be OK even if they never really will to lie next to my stroking my hair and muttering nonsense until I relax until I sleep sleep is the one thing no one has ever been able to give me and I dream of sleeping with you clear undiluted natural sleep because you heal me
09/12 Direct Link
I listen to love songs I’ve heard a thousand times why do they mean more now they’re the same songs the same words but I never felt familiar with the emotion attached before I never knew what they meant just by hearing a sigh or a pleading wail I never realized that movies are based on real life and love songs are written about real love my romance novels really do happen OK maybe not the time travel and maybe there’s a bit of a gender twist but it happens and I never knew I never realized it was true
09/13 Direct Link
You will be the one I lie with the one I hold the one that holds me when things get so bad I need to block the world out you will be the one you will be the one I look to when I need someone to kiss the pain away to calm me and comfort me and tell me that I’m loved and I’m ok and nothing can get to me you will be the one I cling to when nights get too long when morning comes too soon when everything is too much you will be the one
09/14 Direct Link
It’s a simple thing to know she exists but to remember her touch and know she is out there somewhere breathing in and out thinking and talking and laughing completely disables my mind I lie in bed at night and wonder if she is doing the same if she is thinking of me if somehow at that exact same second we are feeling each other words and feelings and memories flood my mind and I can smell her in the room with me I can feel the heat of her skin I can feel her trembling heart reaching for mine
09/15 Direct Link
if I could only make you understand if you could only know just how little things have really changed just how much I ache for you and need to feel you I knew things would be different now I told you that I warned you and you denied it you think it’s all just me I’ve pulled away I’ve lost interest and let go but in many ways you have too you have things to do and people to talk to and I’m just not as important as I once was I’m still there but I’m there on the peripheral
09/16 Direct Link
I read your poetry the words you don’t say to me but you post knowing I will find them knowing I’ll see I wonder why you lie I know I asked you not to be upset all the time but I meant really not be upset not lie to me daily it seems like every conversation we have is a lie just words glossing over the underlying feelings words that say things we refuse to speak of questions unasked because they’re already answered words become sentences become thoughts that mean nothing even close to what you really want to say
09/17 Direct Link
somewhat desperate those words are becoming all too familiar the world is crashing down around me and all I can think of is running running to you for you needing the strength and hope you give me needing your trust and your love and your faith needing all of you to make everything right again to make everything as it should be to calm the panic that wells inside the moment I open my eyes you don’t know you can’t see the hell I walk through daily the torment that is my day to day existence the pain that decimates
09/18 Direct Link
I can’t stand the idea that all I’ve done is hurt you I feel like I’ve done horrible things to you and all I’ve wanted to do is love you all I’ve wanted to do is touch your face hold you when you cry feel your arms around me all I’ve wanted is never what I get I should have known I should have warned you things never work out for me something always happens things always end I’m not someone that’s easy to love I love too much too quickly too deeply and I drag people down with me
09/19 Direct Link
searching for your number fumbling with the keys listening to the ring ring your voicemail oh god are you not there or are you not answering do you not want to talk to me I need to hear your voice I need to hear you breathe to know you’re real to know you’re still there wanting me needing me loving me I need so much I can’t explain I can’t talk nothing but an ache need blind driven panic at losing you completely emails coming unsure of their source unsure of if you really feel that way unsure of everything
09/20 Direct Link
unsure of everything and everyone one tragedy after another until I’m to the point of breaking clean in two stretched in a thousand different directions pulled to and from until my head is dizzy and my voice is shaken my only peace is a thousand miles away convinced I don’t need her or want her any longer when nothing could be farther from the truth daily something happens another string breaks and I’m now hanging by a thread that’s teasing me bouncing up and down stretching it’s almost pulled apart and then it bounces back up still fragile but unbroken
09/21 Direct Link
no time to think no time to rest no time to just sit think of us of you of all the things I used to let wander through my mind sleepy so sleepy all the time I don’t know how to make you understand I’m so tired all the time it’s not a competition nothing has won my time over you if I had my choice if I had my way all of these things would disappear they would all fall away and I’d be left with nothing but time hours and days and nights to spend however I wish
09/22 Direct Link
I sit at the table the band playing in front of me out of focus blurry beautiful words set to my sadness watered down drink I don’t really want resting on the table in front of me sweating all over the table melting away I want to go too indistinct face across the table in front of me mouth moving words but no discernable sound nothing but the music vibrating so close my hair moves slightly to the beat of the drum my heart begins to beat in time in rhythm can you hear my heart calling out to you
09/23 Direct Link
you’re hiding it well you must have buried it deep to be able to keep it from me I don’t feel the anger or the resentment anymore just a few nagging pains of hurt and regret and disappointment in me in us you must be hiding it well I never wanted to make you feel like that I never wanted you to resent me and be angry I never wanted your suffering I never wanted to make a difficult life even harder I never wanted to hear that barely masked fury in your voice you must be hiding it well
09/24 Direct Link
the sweetest lies I ever heard are the ones I hear in your voice every time I speak to you trying to hide your panic your fears your anger your pain did you know I can hear your voice in your emails your voice whispers with every word I read and mocks me as I read words not meant for my eyes that tell me more then you ever intended did you know the words you don’t say speak to me constantly telling me I’m wrong telling me I’m hurting you telling me to let you go did you know?
09/25 Direct Link
how can I go home with nothing to say? I go home that way every day I have nothing to say to her nothing to go home to I go home simply for lack of anywhere else to go one day it will be enough some day it will be too much I’ll walk away I’ll walk out I’ll run anywhere I can just to be on my own again free again away from the misery and the criticism and the oppressive weight of having her near I’ll make my own decisions I’ll make my own fate I’ll be happy
09/26 Direct Link
your voice whispering into the phone so full of hope and love and wonder placing all that on me your hopes all the responsibility it kills me that I can hurt you so easily I am not a gentle person I always end up messing things up and I don’t want to damage you I don’t want to hurt you I don’t want to be the one to break you I want poetry like you used to write I want the happy breathlessness back into your voice I want you to throw the phone and squeal I want so much
09/27 Direct Link
walking through the store mind distracted thinking only of what I need to get and how fast I can get out of there and suddenly I catch your scent on the air I smell you next to me around me my face buried in your neck again those days come flooding back for one brief second and the store and the shelves and the other shoppers all melt away and I’m there in that room with you your arms around me your hair tickling my nose as I lie on your shoulder and breathe memorizing your scent for shopping trips
09/28 Direct Link
daily drudgery of work passes me by as I dream about someday my life is built on somedays tomorrows promises and dreams my normal blah blah boring life with it’s tiny points of light illuminating my path to you an email here a voicemail there always waiting for the next word worrying if no mail is in my box paranoid that the next voicemail will be the one where you say goodbye the one where you’re done tired of me it’s time for this to end and you are ready to move on you’ve found someone who’s someday is now
09/29 Direct Link
each day a different color the days before you got here are all yellow for hope and pink for love all happy and sunny and sweet the days you were here are red for need and passion and love and lust and that perfect shade of pinkish red at the center of you the day you left is black black with swirls of pink and red and yellow and blue for sadness gray for longing and black for silence the days after are a torrent of black and green and red and blue and gray for anger hate love need
09/30 Direct Link
another month gone six thousand words for you about you and my love my need my ache for you the hardest to finish because lately anything involving an ending that touches us scares me I wait for a day like before but it never comes sometimes I wonder how things would be if you hadn’t come out here if I hadn’t held you and memorized your scent and felt your touch over and over I wonder if things would still be happy if we would still be in that beginning pink happy stage of love I wonder how it’d be