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understanding. a simple word, really. everyone knows what it means, yet it's such a hard thing to accomplish. hear me, feel me, see me, know me...open yourself up just this once. all i'm asking is that you understand and for you it seems like the hardest task. i can't help but wonder what causes you to consistently back away whenever you have to explain yourself. so now here we are, silent. the stress is leaving now because there's no more feedback to or from you. but i still wake up and think of you first thing in the morning.
lost moments. i run you over in my head everyday, yet its not the same unless you're here. but what am i thinking? you were never here. i miss seeing you everyday though. i miss your laugh. i miss your smell. i miss those words you made up that were never explained. everything about the past four years is behind me now, more literally than i ever thought it would be. the most prominent part of those years is 300 miles away. please tell me that you do think of me, at least sometimes. somehow that could make everything alright.
weekends are always the longest. i still stare at your name when it pops up on my buddy list. i still think to myself, "well, maybe today will be different." it never is. where have you run off to? i used to know where you were, i used to be able to find you. now you're fluttering along somewhere far, far away and i can't figure out where that is. time changes people so quickly, doesn't it? i bet sometimes you can't recognize yourself anymore either.
"cause with all the changes you've been through, it seems the stranger's always you"
"this is the sound i've been making my whole life. i've been waiting for this night to clear up all the talk. although i'm selfish to a fault, is it selfish it's you i want? you, i did it all for you. this love will stand as long as you. there's really no excuse. i did it all for you. these are the tears i've been crying my whole life. like an ocean of desire i'm reaching through the noise, across the dusk of time, within the lilting lies, i'm singing out to you."
sometimes other people say it better
i never meant to hurt you. i'm home, scolding myself over and over. i was so stupid. when i finally learn to think, i hope you'll be around, because this isn't me. this isn't me at all. i don't know who i am anymore. somewhere in the midst of it all you made me forget. your words are imprinted in my head now, echoing so loudly that i can't concentrate on anything, even this. it's the only script that matters right now. i've voided everything else. so please find your way back to me because i feel you slipping away.
it's still up in the air. i feel like you're farther away than you were before, and before was too much. i hope there's a way to turn back. the fog, the dark, the voices...they're all too much. i keep grasping out for something, someone. how far away it all suddenly seems. keep me with you because i think the more you forget, the more i forget. but maybe that's what you want. i've been selfish, i know. but i'm ready to step inside you and lose myself for you. i'm ready to give up everything just for you.
it's hard to keep up with anything anymore. with all my thoughts cascading around you, over you, about you. i'm not so motivated anymore, i hope you know. i think i'm finding my own path now. to switch colleges just for you was dumb, but it was the best choice i have ever made. i bet you didn't know that. glad my life is finally in perspective, even if you're no longer in it. that is sadly something i am beginning to understand more and more each day. i've grown a lot, maybe i'll expand on that a bit later.
growth. i used to think i would never move on. it scared me to think that i could live a life without you. yet now it's seeming more and more real. it's that realization that shows me how much i have grown. maslow would be proud of me...i'm on my way to "self-actualization." perspective is becoming something i get constantly more comfortable with. for once i feel like my experiences are going toward something beneficial, something good. but with that i am slowly losing my ability to write. that's not so good. where has it gone to? pfft.
it's a weekend again and once again i'm having the strange dreams. how strange can they really be if they happen so often? wouldn't that make them normal dreams...and the "normal" dreams would be strange for never occurring? you've never been in my dreams. maybe once. i'm not sure if that means anything or not. you left me with so much to dream about and yet it never happened. my mind was always on other things: everyday things that would leave a psychologist nodding their head and approving my normalcy. normalcy...i've always hated that word. normality is better.
i feel horrible. doing tons of catching up right now and i've forgotten where i am. i really hate feeling lost. meanwhile, someone else is trying to come into my life and i can't let them. i think that has to be the most negative way you've affected me. i am so closed off to anyone else coming in. somewhere inside i still feel like i'm waiting even though i know there's nothing to wait for. i can't change that. it's because i'm an aquarius, at least that's what the astrologers would say. i say its just because i'm me.
and so we're on to new topics. lots of excitement coming up in the next week and of course i'm stressing about it. i figure if someone reads this, they don't want to read a month's worth of entries directed toward an anonymous person...and frankly, i'm running out of things to say about it. there's nothing worse than talking just because you feel you have to, so i'm changing directions for now. maybe if something changes i'll go back to how i really wanted this all to be. but for now, what's happening is just fine. have sweet dreams.
i stare up through the night to a sky with no face. a million beady eyes with nothing to accompany them. oh fuck it, i can't write anymore. i've lost my poetic side and i guess it's time i just admit it. sometimes i'll sit for thirty minutes just trying to come up with a good line, and nothing will come out. it used to flow out of me so easily. i'd have to stop in class to write something because it was that strong. it's all gone now. i guess that means i'm better now. i'm not sick anymore.
sleepy. i forgot about today's entry and i really shouldn't be doing this now. i wish i could just go on and on about mundane events to take up space, but i can't. what a situation to be in, huh? i can't write crap, and i can't write nice things. "i ate lunch today" mmm...how nice. no one cares about that...then again, along those lines, how many people truly care about the hundred words i can write a day? oh no, i'm getting cynical now. this means i should run off to bed before i piss someone off.
i wrote that last entry and stopped at exactly one hundred words. that's never happened before. i usually have to edit a sentence or two to make it fit. maybe i'm finally falling into the pattern of it all. there's a really cold breeze on my face right now and i'm not sure where it's coming from. i keep having flashbacks of those "unsolved mysteries" episodes where people see ghosts right after getting cold. brr. my mom really needs to stop refusing to use the heater. its the middle of november for chrissakes! ok, i just wanted to say chrissakes.
tomorrow i'm going to have the time of my life. i'll look back on it forever and remember how great it was. yes...i'm predicting it now so that if i don't, i can be mad at myself for getting my hopes up. there are some things you wait for your whole life and sometimes never get. and for once i'm actually getting it and it feels really good. it cost me $21.50 but it will be the best damn time i've ever had and if it's not i'm running to ticketmaster with a refund request and a lawyer.
today would have been my 3 year anniversary with my ex. funny that i thought it would be hard and i didn't think about it at all. i don't think i'm over it, really, but i think i've finally admitted to myself how obsessive it was to keep counting months like we were still together. i guess its about time i move on with my life, not just in terms of him, but with all the people that i'm trying to hold onto. i need to stop recycling. haha, that's pretty funny. i'm visualizing little guys spinning around inside me.
17 seconds of compassion. 17 seconds of peace. 17 seconds to remember love is the energy behind which all is created. 17 seconds to remember all that is good. 17 seconds to forget all your hurt and pain. 17 seconds of faith. 17 seconds of radiance. 17 seconds to send a prayer up. 17 seconds is all you really need.
yeah, its november 17th. see the association? ok so i really just couldn't think of anything to write. but i think this fits well. leave it to billy corgan to fill in the void. it will be better tomorrow, promise.
cold. so cold. the winter is coming. i can feel it foreshadow everything around me. i can smell it in the air, see it in the sky, feel it in the wind...its great. i love this time of year. nothing can compare to sitting in the rain while your hair gets tangled and feeling the warmth of the house hit you when you come back inside. i think the best part has to be the excuse to use the fireplace. i love sitting by the fire. i'm such a cliche. excuse me while i go write a romance novel.
nothing left to say. and all i've left to do. is run away from you. and she led me on down with secrets i can't keep. close your eyes and sleep. don't wait up for me. hush now don't you speak, to me. wrapped my hurt in you. and took my shelter in that pain. the opiate of blame is your broken heart, heart, your heart...so now, i'm all by myself, as i've always felt, and i'll betray my tears to anyone caught in our ruse of fools. one last kiss for me, yeah. one last kiss goodnight
thank you. thank you for coming back and being the stronger one. i told myself i would wait and i'm glad that my waiting was worth it and that it was the right thing to do. i miss you. i hate to admit it because i have no concept of showing emotion, but i really do. i miss you a lot. nothing sappy here, i just miss seeing you around. i hope that's not too shocking. and i hope somewhere inside you, there's a part that misses me too, or misses laughing at me. i can't ask for much more.
it's hard to be inspired anymore. it really bothers me. i'd like to be able to write and write and write, while still making sense too. maybe i should take a creative writing class. no. i'd be too bored. i don't like writing when i need to, i like writing when i want to. lately, i've really wanted to but could just never find the right words, or find what i really wanted to say. i just need some inspiration.
"you're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration."
see? even chicago found it. where is mine? i'm definitely jealous.
i saw zwan. i guess i'll admit to that now. i went to three of the four shows and had a pretty good time. so much for this thing remaining cryptic and ambiguous. billy corgan looks great, and i'm proud of him for finally being happy. not to say he wasn't happy with the pumpkins, but we're seeing smiles now that people used to find so rare years ago. never will i be able to listen to pink, shakira, cher, or n'sync the same way again. but that's one thing i'm not going to explain up here. oh well. sorry.
she thinks in shattered thoughts with abrasive feelings. there's a ticking in her mind she can't shake, and it's conducting a frustration that drills through her soul until she screams outloud for some type of release. she wanders outside at night, watching the stars, making shapes with her imagination. she sees friends up there she knows she can't have in this prison of a life on earth. she wishes to meet the man on the moon because she knows he'd love her unconditionally. but she has so much time, so many dreams to foresee, and a whole life to live.
people come into your life sometimes and it's the weirdest thing. your mind wants you to believe something, but meanwhile your heart is trying to take over. i can't say i know what i'm feeling, or if i'm feeling it at all, but i haven't felt this way for a long time and i hope it stays, whatever it is. it's the feeling that i can never run away from, and the one i always try to run to when it starts to fade. guess it's hard to understand unless you've been through it and know what i'm talking about.
i won a free ice cream with my shrek dvd. that excites me. i think i need a little bit more stimulation in my life, because food as the only source of excitement cannot lead to good things. all i will gain from this is weight. i would be a happy fat person though. i'd be the kind children would love to hug because i'm laughing and warm and haha yeah. i'm psycho. i really feel like these entries are sounding too forced now. it's just so hard for me to be happy with what i write. off to bed.
cable modem has been down, blah. ive been meaning to send some of these into the site and i couldn't, do you know how frustrating that is? haha. i can't believe how much my life revolves around being signed onto AIM and wandering aimlessly through the web. one day i'll pull away from this addiction and join the living, but i guess for now i depend on it too much to even begin withdrawing. i'll move to an amish community and release forcibly. hmm, yes. i think that would work a lot better than voluntarily avoiding my computer. ah well.
i get to meet pink on december 6th. i'm such a pink fan that i bought her cd without hearing anything on it besides "get the party started." it's actually pretty good...i was quite impressed and its a nice transition from the depressed, angsty rock i usually listen to (with some country on the side). so, i'm actually excited. i'll probably get nothing but a weird look and a handshake, and maybe another weird look for being one of the only people there over 14....and i'll most likely lose the cd jacket that she signs. imma dork.
i get to register for spring semester soon and it's not looking too nice. no spare time at all, so much for wanting to pick up writing again. i'm forever condemned to trite, cliche, mundane things such as this to fill my endless space on the web. its funny how things that seem so superficial can get you down. i need the internet-addict anti-depressant. hmm....i should patent that name. anyone want to find a drug that does that? we'll share the profit. maybe we'll be big and famous and loved by everyone...everyone that is finally happy.
one more day left and my month is over. i think i'm done with this for good. not because i don't enjoy it, but the pressure of keeping up for a whole month is just a bit too much right now, especially when i have nothing to write about. maybe i'll be back some other time to ramble on about unimportant things and such...but i'm on break time. the constrains of 100 words makes me too nervous, i can't say what i want in that amount of time...i know thats the point, discipline, but i'm and undisciplined bitch.
"who am i to need you when i'm down? and where are you when i need you around?your life is not your own. and all i ask you, is for another chance. another way around you. to live by circumstance, once again. who am i to need you now? to ask you why? to tell you no? to deserve your love, and sympathy. you were never meant to belong to me. and you may go, but i know you won't leave. too many years built into memories. your life is not your own."
bye bye, baby, bye bye. <3
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