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Is this life? Is this getting the most of life? The best of life? Am I making life altering choices and are they the right choices? I've learned this year that the best life is not always the easy life. The simple decision, the easiest one to make doesn't always pay off in every way you'd hoped. You have to experience turbulence to understand serenity. I think true happiness and being at true peace with yourself and with your life is not an easy thing, and it's not a common, perpetual thing. It is work. But it is worth it.
What is greater than love? Hate? I heard someone say that people experience love, but cannot ever know the depths of hate without feeling love. Maybe I agree, maybe I don't. Doesn't this mean that you can never really experience love without having experienced hate? You can't understand yourself without understanding your adversary? Maybe this is true. I've never experienced something so intense that depended on another person, such as love or hate. Not to the degree of all-consuming anyway. This is an interesting idea though. For me, I'm just starting to realize what it means to be in love.
Today I am disgusted with television. I knew this day was coming. I am actually sick of all forms of media today. I flip through my copy of Vanity Fair and all I want to do is get some of the models a sandwich or something. On TV I see scrawny actresses living this glamorous life, fixated with beauty, challenging me to look like them, to dress like them, to wear my hair like them. Perfect sitcom families and perfect sitcom friends captivate us, how sad that we can be enthralled by something inconsequential. Today I choose not to watch.
I hate being poor. It seriously sucks. Everything requires money. And doesn't it always seem like when you're broke, you have the most things to buy? I'm always broke before I get a chance to take care of all my expenses. And I have so many expenses this month! I've been completely broke and in debt for like 2 months now. Its depressing. I HATE IT! It doesn't help that my paychecks are tiny too. I guess I just have to get off my ass and get that second job. I hoped to wait until after May long weekend. Damn.
There are so many people who started 100 words for April and didn't finish their whole month. Why? Maybe they were just finishing their last entries and a big silver ship swooped down from space and snapped em up. Maybe those people are running an extra-terrestrial newspaper now. Or maybe their dogs ate their computers. Yeah I know thats the oldest excuse in the book. Did they all just get lazy? Or bored of it? Or ran out of time? I guess my life is pretty non-eventful (if thats a word) so its easy for me. Yes I AM rambling...
The horizon is flooded with swarming, greyish white clouds. The sun is too weak to shine though, instead it only peaks out from behind them, making the sky a little bit hazy. The threat of rain hangs in the air, as an impending doom. To the grass, the scent of the moisture to come is bliss. Yards are a dry yellow. They will soon be lush and a full, rich green. The tiny trees and shrubs are finally budding, tiny bumps forming at the ends of branches, with tiny leaves growing inside their wombs, waiting to be released. Please rain.
Today my parents celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. It makes me wonder if I'll ever even know anyone for 25 years. It makes me wonder if I'll ever get married or if I'll ever want to get married. Somehow I can see myself as a swingin bachelorette at the age of eighty-five, who's perfectly content with her swingin self. I don't know. I never really think about that kind of stuff actually. Lots of little girls dream about their wedding day. Not me though. First of all, marriage isn't about the wedding, it's about those 25 years that should follow.
"Bat your eyes girl
Be other worldly
Count your blessings
Seduce a stranger
What's so wrong with
Kudos to those who see through
"She woke in the morning
She knew that her life had passed her by
She called out a warning
Don't ever let life pass you by"
"I suggest we
Learn to love our
Self before its
When will we learn?
When will we change?
Just in time to
See it all come down
Those left standing
Will make millions
Writing books on the way it should have been."
I did not write this. And I do not sing it. I think Brandon Boyd does a much better job. This is "Warning" by Incubus.
I had the interview for my course next year. I think it went well. God damn I hope so. It's scary because it's now the only thing I could do next year. I'm not going back to university to take my second year. I don't want to anyway. But I worry. I worry that I bombed the interview. I worry that I don't know what I want to do with my life. I worry that I won't get in. If I don't, I'll be forced to do some major thinking and planning, two of my least favourite things to do.
The words she says;
As not to offend,
Are as soft as the song
She whispers under her breath.
Her eyes turned down
As she asks her question,
Only for a mere moment
To draw her breath.
That crucial confidence
She's struggled to maintain
Is almost washed away.
She lifts her head slowly
To face the light
And the melody in her head
As a slow smile
Spreads across her face.
This is triumph.
Watching the eyes fill
With simple happiness.
Could top this.
It means the world to her.
Today I was eating this ice cream cone and all of a sudden, I realize it was gone. "What the hell?" I ask myself, "What the fuck happened to that mountain of delicious ice cream? Could I have eaten it?" I decide to come to the simple conclusion that no, of course not. That would make me a pig. So what happened to it? I ran through the obvious possibilities: Communists, Disgruntled Subway Employees and the Abominable Snowman. Then I realized the ice cream just fell off. I wished it hadn't, I could no longer be amused by possible explanations.
This is a story I heard last semester, most likely just an urban myth. But it's definitely interesting. For a midterm, in-class essay, a professor asked his/her students to write a paper with the topic, "The Definition of Courage." And one student simply wrote, "This is courage," and handed in his paper. Take a second to think about that. I think that is courage. I know I wouldn't have the balls to do it. I'd wuss out and hand in some bullshit essay that would earn me a half decent mark. This student got 100%. I completely agree. Do you?
A woman stands on the sidewalk clutching her toddler's hand. She is just standing there. She is not at a crosswalk, she is not waiting for the light to change, and she is not looking at the traffic. She is facing straight ahead, simply stopped. She is wearing a grey coat and a red hat. She does not flinch as a biker flies past her. She has good posture, her shoulders are back and she is holding her head up. She is not smiling but she is not frowning. My light changes and I drive past. I am still curious.
I want someone to like all the little things I like about myself. I want someone to notice these little things and appreciate them as much as I do. I want someone to think I'm spectacularly unique. I want someone to think about themselves and wish they could be even just a little more like me, in some tiny little way. I want someone to be proud of me, preferably some small way that maybe even I wouldn't think to take pride in. I want someone to need me, even just a little. Maybe someone does. I'm not totally sure.
I'm wondering if my chewing on the cord of my headphones might be dangerous. I mean its wire right? Wire contained inside some kind of purple plastic coating. And I'm chewing on it. It doesn't taste particularly good but I don't mind. So I'm still chewing on it. Chewing on the very source of this song filling my ears. These aren't even my headphones. I wonder if my sister chews on them too. But I'm wondering if chewing on this cord might zap me or something. Maybe if I chewed right through the coating. I'll try my hardest not to.
Ok I haven't really bitched much this month. That's going to change. Here's me bitching, and I'm really sorry cause I don't like bitching but it does make me feel better and when I sit down to write something and I'm in a bitching mood, whatever has got me worked up is pretty much all I can think about. I'm fairly sure other people can relate to this. And they say its good to get things off your chest; to vent. Ok well I don't have space to bitch. So I just wrote an ode to bitching. Haha, I'm pathetic.
"As soon as you're born, you start dying."
This is true isn't it? But it's so pessimistic. If everyone took that attitude this place would fucking suck. If you were about 19-ish and just decided that your life is ending and passing you by so you should just be like, ahhh fuck it. Yeah everyone and everything would suck. But the next line goes,
"So you might as well have a good time."
Now we're talking. But notice the two different attitudes. That's pretty crazy weird. I figure I'm having a good time. I got that from a Cake song, gotta love Cake.
I'm sick of not getting along with my mom. It's too hard to try to anticipate her moods so I can adjust mine. When I've had a particularly stressful day or am dealing with something, it's always me who has to try and accommodate to her. If I don't then I suffer. And when we start to get into our issues, she walks away. She came home today and basically started a fight with me. And started walking away with the attitude it was me who didn't want a discussion. She is the one walking away, I am so ready.
I'm completely blank; I'm speechless. I don't know what to write about, whether I should try and do something creative, or write some little semi-philosophical musing, or about an event or something. There's a bunch of things I could write about but nothing absolutely jumps out and screams at me. I'm pretty mellow at the moment, just enjoying my summer. Sure there are things stressing me out. There is always SOMETHING that is stressing me out but my problems will eventually be dealt with or solved. And then I'll be stressed about something new. So why worry about it now?
Why is my older sister younger than me? Did we get switched when she was like 2 and I was a baby or something; because she cannot be twenty-one. She has never once in her life acted as the older sister. She's never acted 21 or even 16 actually. She's hardly even a sister. She's never tried to help me when I needed help, she doesn't ever try to care about me or even do nice things for me. I happen to think I'm a generous person and I do nice things for her. She's never ONCE returned the favour.
How many songs do you think are out there? Think of one record label and all the songs it has in its history. Even think of one band, like Aerosmith or The Rolling Stones, a band that has been around forever. Think of all their songs. Now think of every little band and all the songs they sing. Hmm. That's a lot. Think of everything attached to each one of those songs. The people who wrote them, produced them, performed them. I really love music. All artists, all genres, all kinds. Its just one of cool those things I guess.
What am I sick of? I'm sick of being treated like shit and then blamed for being treated like shit. I'm sick of people making me feel like I'm less, that I owe them something that would be self-sacrificial. I'm sick of having to try to make meaningless, pointless conversation just to cover up the fact I might have something real to say. I'm sick of having to hide everything. I'm sick of being sick of everything. I'm sick of coming in second when I don't even want to compete. I'm sick of being insignificant. A daughter shouldn't be insignificant.
The round, yellow moon hangs stagnant in the sky surrounded by the faded outlines of clouds, lit only by the moon's own reflection. It is huge tonight. I stare up at it and everything seems possible. I could almost reach up and touch it, it's so low on the horizon. Soon this giant moon will start to vanish until only a slim smile lights up in the night. It will always be up there though. How insignificant does it make me feel? How many people are staring at the same full moon and how many people don't even notice it?
She comes home from a long day of school and work and sets her keys on the front table. She slides off her shoes on the mat by the front door. She pauses and is greeted by absolute stillness. Her day can finally be over. She doesn't have to appease anyone else by making obligatory conversation or pretending she's something she's not. She is at peace within her own silence. She falls into a chair and pulls off her socks, tosses them on the floor. No one is around to yell at her for something so negligible.
This is my fantasy.
Things are bad right now. On one hand they are bad. On the other, they couldn't be better. It's really a shame I can't just put my hands together. Maybe it's just my fault I have all these crazy ideas. Maybe that's all they are, crazy ideas. But lately I am absolutely exhausted at trying to make the different sections of my life work without the luxury of putting them together. I'm torn. I'm being pulled in all different directions by all different people and no longer can tell which way is up. Or why I'm even doing it anymore.
Absolutely everything is falling apart. Everything. On my high school graduation I listened to the speeches made and read the little poems on the insides of greeting cards and truly believed what they said. "Your future is as boundless as the lofty sky." NO ITS NOT! My first mistake was to fall under the impression that hard work and ambition can get you somewhere. It can't. There is not a single guarantee in this life and those who believe there is are guaranteed to be fooled. Did you like my use of sarcasm there?? (I'm making this one drawn-out entry.)
My karma has bottomed out in a serious way. Things were just going too well for me I guess. For the first time in 3 years I was happy. See this is why I lost faith in the idea of God. Eventually good people should get a break. And personally I don't see why God would think I don't deserve to be happy. I doubt there's someone up there saying, "Fuck you Heather, I'm too busy for you." I don't think that makes any sense. We create our own happiness, that way we can't blame failure on some heavenly character.
I'm not trying to blame my failure on anyone other than myself, in case that's how this is sounding. I was rejected from school; that was a major shock. I had some serious confidence built up about that. And now I have no other attractive options for next year. It looks like I'm taking another year off to work and save money. On the plus side, I can afford to live on my own, since my parents have basically asked me to leave. And I can see their reasoning behind that too. Reality is such a smack in the face.
The biggest thing I hate about this situation is that I'm angry again. I'm angry about all the things I thought I'd gotten over, all the things I worked really hard to get over. I guess I just worked really hard at convincing myself I was over them. That angry tone is once again dominating my journal and everything I'm writing. It is easier to find things to write about but the writing was better when it came from a good place. And this, I don't like this. I'm complaining and bitching. I'm getting annoyed at myself all over again.
Why am I at this point in my life, where I never wanted to be, where I want to leave so many things behind? Why don't I care to look back? It's sad, it really is. It's very unfortunate that I'm feeling this way and I wish it hadn't come to this. It hurts that I want to get away from my family so badly, and that I don't want to try to work things out. I think I know how it will end. I might be wrong though. They might, for the first time in my life, surprise me.
Well this month has been one of drastic change, including a change in mood and general outlook on things. I didn't expect to finish entries for May but I surprisingly did. I don't plan to continue for June though. Like I said before, it's easier to find things to write about when things aren't going so well, but I don't necessarily want to write them. Hopefully things will pick up and I will too. I'll do my best. But I need to do some major thinking and work at putting a real life together for myself. So until next time.....
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