REPORT A PROBLEM
Thankfully J and P have been sent to Jupiter where they will spend eternity. They will be teaching at The Red Spot String Settlement and teaching annoying little Jupterians things like Vivaldi A Minor and Lorenzetti Gavotte. The Vampire Mackdaddy Associaion members are just ecstatic that they will be so far away. Because they are not even on the Jupiter that is in our current solor system-- they are on a Jupiter in a parallel world. They are FAR FAR FAR away, and everyone in the VMA is rejoicing. But there are othetrs now that have to be dealt with !!
Shirley was excited to be on a game show with her time machine-- but the machine wasn't so precise. So she had read lots of old encyclopedias and decided she was going to go be on the Art Fleming Jeopardy. But she went back in time ALL the way to 1950 not the mid 1960's as she had planned. So she had to be on Beat The Clock instead. She was very disgusted. She really wanted to show off her knowledge of Shakespeare and Best Sellers of the 1940's-- she didn't want to try to get balls in odd places.
I made quesadillas for the first time ever today. They were actually pretty good !! I can't believe I have lived pushing 35 years in Texas and never made any quesadillas before. I had two kinds of beans ( black and pinto) and shredded sharp cheddar cheese and flour tortillas. I ate them all up. My first sun tea I have made in prob almost 20 years was not as successful though. I put WAY too many very strong bags in it and it was rather strong to the point of undrinkable. Even with water and honey I could not salvage it.
The sun tea had been made with eighteen( !!) tea bags. That was just far, far too many. Everyone was choking and screaming " OMG, WTF is in this tea?"-- so the vampires tried to cut the tea with more water and more honey but it was to no avail, this bathc of tea was just ruined. So they decided to make some more -- as they were waiting they decided to play Innovation and Haggis. The vampires lost terribly again, it was a very disappointing day for tea and card games. We are awaiting the results of the next batch of tea.
The beans are waiting. I am having them for breakfast with the cornbread I made. Then I am having the OTHER leftover beans I had from my quesadillas yesterday for lunch. I really still need to make this peanut butter nutella banana bread. My second batch of sun tea this week should be ready later. I hope it will be drinkable, my first set I sadly put WAY WAY too many tea bags in and made something choke-inducing-- even after I cut it with a bunch of honey and 50% water. But this should be better this time. YAY!.
She had no idea who was calling. She still wondered if it was Matilda Stevens-- she had been upset ever since her friend Frittata Jones had passed away from old age at 109-- and she often called on someone else's phone-- because she was a crack dealer and she only used her own phone for non-drug transactions-- the very opposite practice of most crack dealers. Matilda wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. She wasn't even selling cheap, nasty cocaine-- it wasn't that kind of crack. She was selling illict pictures of plumbes' jeans beginning to droop. So digusting.
The vampire stared down at the shaking, frightened ,gatekeeping and judgy asshole who was terrifed he was about to be turned into one of the undead. The vampire implore " Was it truly necessary for you to say that about my poem this morning? " " No, I am sorry ..so-sorry .. Please let me go." " I mean Have I said anything lecturey about all your fucking bullshit I read? Did you really HAVE to start my day like this? I already had a terrible day yesterday, why would you do this just because you had a wild hair to criticize me, jackasss?"
The victim cowered and whined even more pathetically " I know. I am sorry.. you know how we get on the internet people just say stuff off the cuff with no regard for the effect it might have.. please don't suck all my blood-- I am sorry .. I apologize." "Well, OK.", the vampire demurred at last. We should try to give everyone some more benefit of the doubt as usual as we deal with the horrors of the world and the pandemic. But you really shouldn't give me any lecturey bullshit anymore-- otherwise we will be celebrating your 400th birthday, someday.
The vampire really didn't want to go-- but his publisher and agent told him he really needed to make an appearance-- but indeed, the vampire would have rather gone ANYWHERE else. It was once again time for the most boring event of the year -- the lectures on being a buttface given by Buttface Johnson down at the VFW1967. The place smelled so terrible anyway, like three dollar cigars and five dollar dreaams. But sometimes some important individuals who contributed to all of the organaizations the vampire was involved in were there-- soaking in all the Buttface Johnson information. Still sucks.
One of these stars is sitting in the Secret Square and the contestant who picks it first could win a prize package worth more than FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS. ( oooh ahh ooohh ) .. Which Star is it? Robert Searcy, Miss Kitty, Marshall Dillon, Bob Dylan, Bob Crane ( eeww Bob Crane.. gross) , Dagne Crane, The Someone Smells Like Feces Trio, Betsy Wetsy.. or PAUL LYNDE.. ALL in the Hollywood Squares. . and her is the master of The Hollywood Squares, Peter Marshall. Hello stars !! Hello Peter ! --- The Vampire was so so very happy to be a contestant on The Hollywood Squares !! Hip Hip Hooray !!
The vampire no longer was dealing with the annoyance of the Buttface Johnson goings on -- he was very very happy he was invited to be on the Today show to talk about weight loss. It is a general silly myth that vampires cannot be seen at ALL in the daylight -- they just have to limit to a few times a month.. and it's very difficult to discuss with people that just because you drink sanguinary things on a regular basis-- and can turn into a bat-- exercising is important too.. he will be happy to chat about that with Hoda.
The Today shoe appearance went great--everyone was so very nice and Hodfa was just a doll. Nice to be in NYC again in the alternate universe NYC because the vampire would have been sad if he was in the current universe one where there is still so many things closed and shuttered for safety reasons due tot he pandemic. There was no closure of the famed toystore F A O Schwartz in this particular universe either so the vampire was incredibly excited to vuy some more games for the games library back in his manor. Then he flew home.
Put your mask on. Just do it. Wear your mask. I don't care what kind of insane Quanon wack job Trump worshipping little cunt or bitch you are-- WEAR YOUR FUCKING MASK!!! This was a sign the Vampire was wearing on his talon assuming his bat for as he flew around the city. Some people cheers-- many idiots started screaming for me to go back to China where I came from because allegedly I am Asian and this is where Corona started. People are indeed such absolute idiots I hope all the idiots die in this new spike! YAY !! YAY !!
Why in the world would one want to go to Vegas if the bars are not open? I miss Vegas worse than most people I think--- it is my complete happy place. No sense of time !! Drink and play games 24/7 !! How can it NOT be the greatest place ever? But no bars? Can only get a drink when playing? NO Glass Sky Bar at The Waldorf-Astoria? No Laundry Room? No Parker bar in El Cortez? NO CHANDELIER BAR In The Cosmopolitan? No Baccarat Bar in The Bellagio? No thanks-- I will wait until these are open again !!
While its a bit saddening ( Is that a word? Well I am coining it, so it is now !!) that the possibility that we will all be able to go plaves with any sense of regularity or normalcy anytime soon is virtually nil-- I am at once indeed both sad AND excited for all my new eccentric outfits I have ready to go places. I am especially excited about my purple FAB detergent suit and such as well as the yello corn, starch, and corn starch ensemble. I am very much looking forward to my comet cleanser ensemble first wearing also!
I am also very excited about my outfits that center around games.. especially Concentration and Jeopardy and The Price is Right ( both 1950s AND contemporary) -- very excited about my deodorant and Dark Shadows ensembles, too . I have definitely decided the first ensemble I am wearing " to be seen" when I can go to a bar or something again will indeed be my toilet paper ensemble so that it can be a callback to the toilet paper rushes and franticness. I am also very tickled that that ensemble has a shirt with Mr.Whipple and a tie with the Charmin bears.
Buttface Johnson is annoyingly back on his bullshit again. The vampire was just browsing at the game store minding his own business when there was Buttface again with his entourage insisiting that everyone had to go to the stores HE wanted to go to. The vampire insisited her really didn't want to but there was no way to get Buttface to shut up so he decided to go ahead and go along-- hoping MAYBE he could get a chance to bite some of his terrible entourage and have a feat on their plasma-- but then the vampire realized horrifyingly that..
.. If he DID bite Buttface or any of his entourage, then their annoying selves would become part of the undead and just live FOREVER unless they died the truth death. And dear God, who would want any of these super annoying people to live FOREVER? So the vampire reluctantly left the game store with Buttface and his entourage-- it was more torturous than he even imagined. He had to go to so many horrible stores-- Piece Goods Shop, Hancock Fabrics, and Jo-Ann Fabrics. The vampire hated these stores and it was almost bad enough to cause a PTSD episode.
Between the bolts when some of Buttface's annoying freinds were saying-- Hey, come look at this Chenille-- this will make splendid bedspreads-- the vampire had had it and said.. what is this, 1972? -- and then he turned into a bat and floew all about Hancock Fabrics horrifying everyone and making people drop their McCall's and Simplicity Patterns they were perusing. One poor lady even freaked out and had her OWN PTSD epsiode because she had been bitten by a vampire bat once before, though in a Kmart not a hHancock Fabrics. The vampire at last escaped flying out the door !!
I was having a decent day, as quarantine days go, when I read the terrible news that DGM was shuttering. As I said in my media posts, it may seem like an inane #firstworldproblem to be extremely emotional about a game venue closing in this day and age of surreal horror-- but that place was so very important to me. I made so many wonderful new friends and had so so many good times there, just playing games for 19 hours a day sometimes !! Many of us are very, very heartbroken. They may resurect after the vaccine is found. Hopefully.
There has always been grave concern about what happened to The BOY from Ipanema.. I mean did he go walking too? Actually the truth is he walked up the beach and then disappeared.. but he really didn't-- he became the legendarily mythic creator of the Apple Tree Vagina Club-- a surreal club the kidnapped then released girls really did not want to be members of!! He would cholorform girls.. take them back to his lair, then violate them with apples and seeds -- then with surreal magic an entire apple tree would grow out of their vagina in one day !! Amazing !!
Just when the vampire thought he was free of them for a good while-- once again here came the entire entourage from the Buttface Johnson VFW festival. They were all drunk on Sex On The Beach shots and they were being super obnoxious and everyone wanted them gone. They also were wearing Carmen Miranda haTS yet these hats contained REAL fruit-- so the Fruitarians-- who were of course freinds with the vegetarians - they started trying to eat the mangoes, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, blackberries,kiwis, cantaloupes, honeydewws, peaches and pears out of the Buttfafce folks' hats. It was a huge ordeal.
Everybody everywhere gettin' kicks now-- everybody suckin' dicks now. So much fellatio just wantonly and randomly. Who really knows WHY? Maybe we should ask Tessa-- she definitely looks like someone who will schklob a knob at the drop of a hat. She's really gross -- I doubt she takes a bath very often. And my goodness... she had been better off if she would have sucked a lot MORE dick since she has 9 children under the age of 11. Good thing her mother won the Powerball right before she did to leave all that money to Tessa and her brood.
He had done the correct thing moving Vince and his family to Florida-- even though Florida was a nightmare. He gave them HUGE raises he couldn't refuse though to run things at a Tallahasse Mcdonald's. Because he didn't have any memory of who I am . I knew Tessa loved him more than me and she eventually just moved to Montana and left me brokenhearted and despondent-- that despondence became a super intense need for revenge. So after he won the lottery and bout 319 McD's franchise in Florida-- he hired Vince. Vince had no idea what was about to happen....
Vince had no idea that We had replaced his candy-hoarding stationery-loving daughter Jolie with a clone-- and we had taken her essence and programmed it into a computer chip and then put that chip in a baby alligator. We learned about this taking people's personality and putting it in a computer chip--this seems to happen on a regular basis on Days of Our Lives-- so we called up Dr. Rolf in Salem, Illinois where Days of Our Lives takes place and asked him for pointers on how to do ths. He sent us to a youtube video.
After the chip implanting-- the day was here-- the day that Tessa's boss would finally get his revenge on Vince and his family. So Tessa's boss took the baby alligator and put it in his Ford Windstar-- and then he drove to one of the franchises he owns that Vince was working the drive thru-- he ordered 16 things off menu to add insult to injury .. then he drove around and as soon as Vince said that will be $87.62-- Tessa's BOSS threw the Jolie-possessed baby alligator through the window !! He thought pandemonium would now take place.. but...
And so then Tessa's boss FLUNG the Jolie-gator with all his might right through the drive in window!! The gator was heard to be screaming " GOOD !! So glad we're going to McDonald's Your pork chops suck !! You don't make Pork chops here do you dad? Gross !" Vince suitably screamed WTF and ran quickly away from the flying daughter reptile-- only to be flabbergasted that the rest of the crew just shrugged.. picked up it .. put it in a nearby net.. called animal control.. and went about their hambugering duties !! When Vince asked them .. . how can you be so calm..?
The Tallahassee McDonald's workers just shrugged at Vince saying " Dude, someone threw a baby gator that is possessed by the personality of someone working here's teenage daughter? Dude.. this is FLORIDA !!!! It takes SO very much more to freak us out here-- now go check the fryer please." Vince , who was from a very scary place himself ( Gary, Indiana) now felt bad that he freaked so much about the Joliegator being flung at him through the drive-thru window. On his next break he had to call Animal Control to get said gator since it was his daughter and all.
Vince went to animal control and found the Jolie Gator-- who proceeded to bite him and try to steal the Reese's out of his pocket AND his billfold. He throw the Jolie-gator down and said.. " You know what little girl? Fuck you and fuck this !! You have been a nightmare lately and your clone is SO MUCH nicer and less psycho that you !! I am leaving your happy ass here after all !! Go live in the damn everglades or wherever the hell ever they are sending you !! I am out !!" Vince then went home and found the Jolie-clone...
Vince said to the Jolie-clone-- " You know .. no matter what you are my favorite.. and you are always going to be my little girl." They embraced as Jolie ( unaware that she is a clone and not the original ( gangsta ) Jolie said " Why are you saying this Dad? I know I am !!" Vince " Just cause Puka.. just because. " Jolie-clone said " Hey Dad.. why don't I go get us some Reese's from the store I know it's your favorite !!" Vince said.. yes .. yes that would be AWESOME. I love you. ::FADE TO BLACK:; :: credits roll for the VinceJolieAlligatorStory:: :: music plays::
The vampire was very moved watching the new movie he was going to give four stars to, the story of Vince, McDonald's, and Jolie the clone and the alligator. It was a whole lot better than the CATS movie for sure. What will Auguat bring to the vampire? Well since he lives in the subtropics it will bring a great deal of horrific heat and grossness and high AC bills. Perhaps it was time for another trip to Alaska-- he went there every couple years to visit the famous rapper, Brother D Rock-- and to toilet paper Sarah Palin's house.
The Tip Jar