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Am still in a very strange limbo... thankful that I have made so much enormous progress-- but still not able to play yet and definitely not completely able to normally function. Its a very thankful but often disheartening and disgusting place to be in. And once again, I am doing better with it but I am not coping well with the hellish central Texas heat very well yet-- totally screwing with my head and stomach. Hopefully in about a month will be able to start swimming. That will help some. Will be glad to get back to yoga as well.
Shokus-- a company that puts out a lot of obscure old TV has a radio station now. Fellow named Stu does an amazing interview show with all kinds of people. Spent all night listening to a wonderful chat with Ronnie Greenberg who has been involved in so many classic game shows, Jeopardy/The Challengers/Who What Where Game-- tons and tons of others. I am so thankful to have found so many things like this to listen to to get me through so many horrible nights/days/hours during my long recovery. I miss playing so much, soon I pray!!
Yesterday my parents would have been married 49 years. My mother had a rough day but she got through it well. She is the strongest, most valiant and amazing person I have ever known. No one will ever see her having months long mental collapses and such-- I am afraid all of that came from my father's side of my family-- and God rest his soul my father himself. I still have grand faith that I will realize I had to have the worst breakdown of my life to later be more solid than I have ever been. Praise God.
Looks like I will get the new tires and new headlights for my toy car all squared away this week. Very excited about that. When I am able to go to swim and yoga again, I will drive it every morning to those. Still will be mighty hot at those times I am sure. Nice to still have things to look forward to. Helps the spirit during this weird limbo time. Am thinking of my facebook status and what Portia says about Mercy in The Merchant of Venice right now. I think of mercy and forgiveness a lot. Praise God.
Catching up on Taped Jeopardy episodes this morning-- happy to say my long-addled brain seems to be recovering-- I have as of this typing gotten 12 clues that none of the contestants even buzzed in on. Yes, I wonder if my 11th try for Jeopardy will be the trick. I have tried out 10 previous times, always kicked ass on the est, always thought I was being fun and interesting and peppy and TV-worthy and blah blah blah and they STILL have not picked me ! Well I will never give up. Hear that Alex? Not ever giving up !!!
Caddy work day. Tires. New Headlights. Bro Chris going to do all of this with me and going to give him a few dollars for his trouble, even though he's offered to do it for free. But far too hot and too much ordeal to let someone do car work for free. Not in Central Texas June heat. Hopefully in several hours I will finally be driving it around again! Wonder what I am supposed to to with the old tires, I have never had tires put on " privately".. always at the tire place before. Will figure that out later.
Dad would have been 71 on this day. Again such a strange surreal turn of events in God's plan. We had planned and tried to steel ourselves for so long as Dad began to deteriorate from his 11-year fight with cancer. He was still of course moving around and as active as he could be towards the end but it was obvious he was not doing well. Then that surreal day when Mom called April 22 of 2009 to say Dad was indeed gone, but dead from car wreck, not from the cancer. Happy Birthday and RIP Dad. Amen.
Rain on concrete in a terribly humid area such as South Central Texas has a beautiful stink. It's not a terribly pleasant smell, hence the demarcation of " stinky" but it's a heartening smell sometimes. It's one of the only aromas I think known to my olfactory universe that can simultaneously make you think of things that are at once burnt AND wet. I am mainly speaking of the ground/concrete-- since rain in the heat of Texas pre-summer never makes it COOLER, it makes the air stink afterwards and NOT in a beautiful way at all. I like storms.
Today is a decent day. My saint of a mother sent me some continuing-to-get-well-flowers. I got some new games in the mail that I am playing. I am recovering more by the hour from the over-do-ing on Monday. I, perhaps being the only person in TV land still doing so, am currently watching one of the last few burning-off episodes of ABC's Happy Town seeing if they will tell us anything that makes any sense by the end. Lots of storms here, I like when they come late at night. Praise the Lord.
I am so terrified on this spree of mending fences--as I have become so engrossed in forgiveness and peacemaking during these horrible months-- that I have acquiesced to something about to be restarted-- for perhaps all the wrong reasons. Or maybe shouldn't even be considered at all. All I know to do is keep praying for guidance. In much more mundane things my new convertible top and motor and radiator all are here in the next 10 to 12 business days. Manually moving the top up and down until then. Well, when the rains finally completely stop that is.
Again a non-linear day. Not a progress day. Huge stomach pains all day and now in bit of bad space. Again must keep perspective, bad times now are nothing like March was. Still is disheartening. But God is always there, and got two lovely emails from friends that made my evening. Good for me of course to remember not to push and that I am not out of the woods yet at all. I am still blessed by being as far along as I am. I Am still hoping to get to start playing bass again next week. Amen.
Setbacks sucks. I haven't been back to feeling like true progress for the better part of three days. It's currently a little past 3 am -- I am wondering if I might have the strength to go to Barton Springs in two hours when it opens. I think I might, but I don't know if I have enough strength to push the top up and down on the Caddy, and I only want to drive Caddy in the mornings to the springs. Perhaps I should pray I have strength tomorrow and wait until then. I should cook some stuff today. Amen.
This is thankfully so far a pleasant weekend, feeling more progress. Have to keep remembering to pace so that I do not make the same mistake I made last Monday-- taking a good day and doing FAR too much. The body and mind are not quite there yet, which is still sometimes disheartening, but to be so far along is a deep blessing. Speaking of blessings, with the heartbreak of the demise of my church now complete, I need to consider church shopping. HP was very very special, I don't know if I can recapture that somewhere else. Praise God.
The " swim" this morning was certainly an achievement no matter how brief. Someone was playing guitar there in the dark. The water in Barton Springs was still very, very cold- but it felt nice. I am so out of shape there certainly wasn't much intense swimming going on, I perhaps swam 500 feet, but it's a start. It was very fun to drive the Mackdaddillac there, ironically I loved the only holler/scream I got was from an older African-American gentleman carrying a bible and presumably walking to church. I think I shall try to swim again on Tuesday.
This is thankfully an excellent progress week. Of course once again the main thought on my mind is when I feel like I can play bass again. Hopefully next week. So strange that all the family back home in Kentucky report that it is hotter there than it is here in infernal South Central Texas. At least by the end of September it will stop being 85 degrees at 4 am, unlike here. Another church I found out is moving into my defunct church's facilities. Can't help but feel great pain from that but will go there once at least.
Progress continues. Very deeply thankful. Hope very much to drive the Mackdaddilac to Matt and Ernie's and to see bro Ryan very soon. Today was excellent summer TV, glad to have Top Chef back. Seriously, WHY did weirdo dreadlocked dude make dessert? Dessert is always the kiss of death on that show. Am thankful Ben and Stephanie got me into that show before I ever even tried to boil water again. Now I actually do/can cook a few things, but I sure as hell didn't know what that first challenge verb to DO to those onions meant.More tomorrow.
Yet another good progress day. More constant thanks to all the amazing people who pray for me and the Lord. I am getting so tired though, though deeply thankful I am, for being in this limbo. I am finally in the ball park of being a much stronger person than I was before the breakdown happened, but some things STILL aren't there yet. Can't go out and about to gigs and party and such. Still can't play bass yet. Can't concentrate for hours at a time yet. But I know it's finally coming soon. Have to concentrate on THAT. Amen.
Had to backtrack and cheat and write these three days on the 20th because all my grand progress was interrupted by disgusting migraine and accompanying stomach crap. Sucked. Ruined getting to see Bro Ryan and ruined any more hope of more progress for those two days. Matter of fact had to work my way through more bad hours and moments because of it. At least now it's gone. I can't seem to get 7 decent/good/progress days in a row yet, which I know is just a reminder that I am not at all well yet. Soon, I pray.
Once again remarking on the Saturday this entry is dated and what a rotten day that was. Migraine and stomach crap were on their way out yesterday but unfortunately still ruined my Saturday. And my sleep, which is always dreadful anyway, was quite more ruinous than usual. Anyway, glad all that is over. Even in that annoying pain I still managed to read some more of my new books I got at Half Price books last week. Still getting through all the books of Harlan Coben, he writes dandy mysteries. Really good stuff. I should drink some more coffee now.
It is now the second father's day since Dad has gone to the other side. Hopefully he is enjoying today with the Grandpas and such. I have so many conflicted feelings on this day,having no one to buy or send any sort of Father's Day stuff to. But I will spend the day as positively as possible. Bro Chris and I will do some mackdadilac work ... I have already been to have a swim and go to Kripsy Kreme and have a nice way early morning Mackdaddilac trip around the neighborhood. Hope you are enjoying the heavenly paradise Dad.
First day of my by far least favorite season, especially here in South Central Texas, SUMMER. The blinding heat and humidity and general grossness-- doesn't exactly help my mental/physical health progress either. But it will be my 25th Texas summer I have lived through,I am sure I will make it through this one. I was happy I felt like doing so much yesterdaY--- comparatively, it's still nothing like " real life functioning " yet but I am getting there slowly but surely. I rested most of today after Therapy, one day of more energy, then a day to rest more.
Progress on mental health thankfully continues. Progress on the Mackdaddillac thankfully continues as well. I am so excited for True Blood.. summer TV is really rockin' so far this year. TV has always been terribly important to me, but especially when I have had to be so sedentary these past horrible months. Always, ALWAYS been a huge vampire fan and so glad they are in vogue now. I even was WAY into The Vampire Diaries this past season. Yes, kind of Sad a 43-yr. old straight man is addicted to teen soap operas, but you know, whatever. More Tomorrrow.
It's very, very hard to believe that as sweltering as South Central Texas already is, that the heat indexes are HOTTER back in the homeland of Kentucky these days. My mom and all other relatives that walk on a regular basis are having to do their miles-long jaunts during vampire hours, like the hours that I go swim. I have said it for the past more-than-2-decades, even as rough as it has been for the past several months of breakdown, I really do love my life here, but I wish the weather were more like, ALASKA.
I have been scanning tons and tons of pics and putting them on my facebook. Kind of a realization of technology, many of these are pictures I had on the walls of the previous apartment that I lived in from 1993 to 2007.. now our " Walls" are our facebooks. I don't have any pictures on the walls here in this place. I had one picture up on the piano of this past birthday but had to take it down since one of the people in it is now realized to be a junkie/thief/scumbag/lying scourge of the earth.
Unfortunately there is a dire, dire tiredness now enveloping me from not being able to sleep for shit for days. These have been good days full of progress , but there has been virtually NO sleep no matter how hard I try. Barely 2 hours a day and that isn't consecutive. I have dire sleeping problems in " real" life which are debilitating at times, much less when one is in a recovery for this long. Well, hopefully sleep will come soon, and NOT be interrupted by people banging loudly on the door in Spanish who are asking if Ronaldo lives here.
The tiredness isn't leaving. I finally AM sleeping a great deal, which I am thankful for, but it's not helping or helping me catch up. The more I sleep it seems the more tired I get. I pray very intensely this is not a CFS attack-- such bodily crap would be heinously destructive in my current recovery state and surely cause some sort of setback. But thankfully it doesn't feel like CFS tiredness, just normal tiredness. Hopefully more rest through the weekend will help me get regenerated. In meantime, Sunday TV coming!! True Blood and Entourage!! YAY!! Yay for HBO.
Hopefully the next major functioning breakthrough-- being able to play at all again -- is coming. Also it seems a hurricane is coming. So much for swimming or taking the Keldorado around for a bit. I really do enjoy storms, however I do not enjoy having my exercise routine trammeled and now that thanks to JCS all kinds of nifty stuff has been done to my car, I can't drive it for God knows how many days because as of now the forecast says thunderstorms for AGES. 10+ days as of now. I hope the satellite doesn't go out very much.
Per my addiction to the History channel, I am intrigued-- what exactly do you do to BECOME a Mason? I do agree with the conspiracy-thwarters that I don't think there is some grand Illumniati-connected mystery controlling our dollar bill and such. The Washington, D.C. map did give me pause however until I found you could draw that mason symbol over the grid of hundreds of cities. I have played in the major Masonic buildings in Austin, do you just call them up and say you'd like to join? Do they really kill you if you report secrets?
I could watch reruns of The Middle for hours. Not only have I been in mad love with Patricia Heaton from Everybody Loves Raymond since I first laid eyes on her, I am Brick. Or shall we say, I WAS Brick when I was that age. The acting on this show is amazing, and the writing is some of the sharpest and most realistic on TV. The fact that I am from close to the show's setting of Indiana helps as well. I really should put that on Facebook, telling everyone I was Brick. Should answer a lot of questions.
We end another month of recovery once again deeply thankful for tons of progress. Am still not "there" yet, but the end is pretty much finally in sight. The end of where I can finally see me being a better me than I was to start with.. not only pre-breakdown but from when things started to really go to pieces(things like my mental and physical health )16 months ago. Been a very hard road, but am glad to be a lot of the ways down it. Now to just pray hard for when I can start playing again.
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