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05/01 Direct Link
Considering it's a public holiday today, the traffic into Malaysia was smooth sailing. It was such a nice trip. No congestion on the roads or immigration checkpoints. Maybe it's a blessing. You came to see your grandma so we make it easy so says someone up there. You know one those help from heaven things. I like bus trips it gives me time to think and wonder off without being bothered. We pass the causeway a bridge connecting Singapore and Malaysia. I love watching the ripples on the water while the sun rays beats down on it. Beautiful. Peaceful. Magical.
05/02 Direct Link
I am really tired today. I couldn't stop thinking about ‘C' and how he was feeling. I haven't heard from him all day today. I hope he is ok and nothings happened to him. Last I spoke to him was early this morning and nothing since then. Maybe another busy day. He means everything to me and I sometimes I block things out but it always just comes back. It's amazing how another person can have this kind of an impact on you. I think it's his presence. He leaves a positive mark on whoever he comes into contact with.
05/03 Direct Link
Another day of rain. I would have preferred to stay in and hide under my blankets but of course work beckons. I miss just getting all snuggled up with a great book and cup of hot cocoa sitting by the window reading and watching the rain fall down. It's a beautiful sight. Many people don't like rain but I simply love it. I can't explain the feeling when I caught in the rain. It's been uneventful. I have been a wreck all day. Jittery worrying about ‘C'. Seems I am very preoccupied with thoughts of him on my mind constantly.
05/04 Direct Link
Seems my musings are not as exciting as I would like them to be. Everything seems mundane. I have been zombie like today. I do manage to keep my composure at work - cant mix work with personal stuff. I don't know where he is again. Gone again it seems for how long I do not know. I wonder if he is feeling ok. Eating right. Keeping him self safe. I wonder and then I worry. I know that I will not stop worrying until I get some sort of news from him. I wonder what's going on with him too.
05/05 Direct Link
Thunder rumbling. The skies not really sure if they should turn black or remain clear. A little gloomy. Hardly any wind. Seems like an ominous morning. But it was just another morning. Sometimes you wonder what excitement the day would bring only to find it monotonous - wake up go to work come home and the routine continues. I think sometimes there has to be more to life aside from work - come to think of it I am sure there is - maybe in an idealistic world life there would be more variety instead of monotony. Isn't variety the spice of life?
05/06 Direct Link
Election day. Day off for everyone. I still haven't decided whom I am voting for. My moms pretty clear on it and my aunt isn't voting. Everyone with their own political view this morning. Clearly it's a day filled with anticipation for those who actually follow the political scene in Singapore but like most people I think we all know who is going to win tomorrow so seriously there is no reason to sit and wait for the results to come on after 10 this evening. Its interesting how the voting process was done it does make you question things.
05/07 Direct Link
Post elections and as expected the current ruling government won. It seems as hard as the opposition fights they don't ever win but I am glad there are at least two opposition seats in parliament. We will have to see what will happen in this new term. Another Sunday with not much to do but read and write. Feeling a little sluggish. Meds don't work very well. I probably should rest .I can't even sleep. My mind is working over time. In between my flu, thinking of ‘C' and my grandmother I am just having the time of my life.
05/08 Direct Link
May 8th 2006 Blood disorders. Some of us are ‘blessed' with it. Sometimes we accept it and on down days we get so mad at it especially when we feel the world is against us. Today is world thalassemia day - at least it's recognized. It actually affects quiet Asians. It is either major which is more dangerous and minor where the symptoms are less subtle. They have low hemoglobin which makes them unable to donate blood. I have thalassemia minor and at times I feel like a freak like I need something else to be wrong with me. But you learn to accept...
05/09 Direct Link
Still no sign of ‘c'. I actually tick off the days that he is not around. I sometimes wonder about people who come into our lives. Why they are here - and why do we say goodbye. Such is life seems to be the new line I live with these days. I wonder why as get older people who come into our lives don't just stay forever. I probably sound like an adolescence I think adults question that too. Cant wait for the weekend going to grandma's and hopefully have a decent Mother's Day. Enough thoughts about why people leave us.
05/10 Direct Link
May 10th 2006 No news is good news these days. Sometimes I wish the news I get are better that what I have been receiving. Doctors can't do anymore and while sitting at work I asked myself - is this it for her? Is she really going or will she continue fighting? I hope she fights - its nice to actually have a grandmother - she is so cute and her stories are what we grandkids look forward too. She collects little trinkets and she is proud of her collection displayed nicely in a display cabinet. She reminds me of the old lady in Tweety cartoons.
05/11 Direct Link
I think my typing is getting from bad to worst. I was re reading my blog and found so many grammatical errors and some missing words - the brain seems to work faster than the fingers - that's my excuse. I need to hire a proofreader that way everything would be perfect or better yet I can be my own proofreader to actually re read every time I finish writing something. I don't like doing that for some reason. I wonder if there is anyway I can actually type on par with my brains - then reading my work would be blissful.
05/12 Direct Link
They should abolish immigration checkpoints between Singapore and Malaysia. It causes way too much traffic jams especially on a long weekend. Singaporeans are all running to Malaysia for a weekend getaway - sometimes I wonder if my country is that small and boring. There is always the beach- it's nice to sit by the water and watch is on the horizon or sunbathe then again shopping in Malaysia is good and cheap too. The exchange rate from Singapore dollars to Malaysia dollars would be the best draw because you can really get a lot out of a hundred Singapore dollars.
05/13 Direct Link
I feel sorry for the men who have to face interrogation by the family prior to marriage. But sometimes it's hilarious and all the ‘drama' that comes into it calls for an Asian version of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. But when you really look at it, it's not all that bad - my family don't bite and if they play their cards right they may have just won their hearts and approval. Personally I think it would be quiet an interesting experience for them, new culture, new practices - I'd like to think that we are non threatening ... for now.
05/14 Direct Link
Mothers Day - I wish I was a mom. I think could actually learn to love all the fuss that comes with it. Crying and whining kids, diaper changes, less sleep, warm fuzzy feeling when the little ones do something cute. Watching them grow right before your eyes. The yearning seems to be setting in once again - I wonder if I would ever be a mom be it adopted or biological. Think about it how cool it is to actually own a human being - one to call your own. Little ones that call you mommy. Makes me all warm and fuzzy.
05/15 Direct Link
Start of the work week. Two more weeks and its vacation time - one month of nothingness or not. There is a wedding in Kuala Lumpur, maybe catch up on things, do a whole of cleaning maybe re arrange furniture redecorate there is the beach - the possibilities are endless. I am wishing for a reconciliation this school holiday - have the kind of holiday that I had end of last year. The wonderful times I had discovering someone new and I hope ‘c' gets to come back online - would be nice to spend some time with him before he finally goes home
05/16 Direct Link
Time is of the essence. For a brief moment I got ‘C' which left me in tears - mixed emotions surprised mode all kind of added to the build up. It was short it was brief but powerful enough to leave an impact. I wonder if there will be another moment like that. I have been waiting for word from him and I finally got it. Seems like an answered prayer. I smiled a lot - just him saying ‘hey' makes that much difference. Things he said left me wondering -wishing things never happened. I probably should not take it to heart.
05/17 Direct Link
When you love someone let them go .... But I figured if you did then you would have given up. I have learnt that loving someone means being happy for them and that their happiness comes first. As much as you want them to be a part of you - but they don't. When it comes to things like this it seems you put them ahead of you, you pay close attention to their feelings,- everything about them seems to matter to you. You want to be selfish sometimes and make them see how you feel but you always hold back.
05/18 Direct Link
Being alone is sometimes depressing. I saw this in someone I know. Her being alone on her birthday shut her out from the rest of the world it seems which includes her mother. I think it is sad. She can easily spend the day with her mother but she chose to mope around and feel sorry for herself - I guess I can't understand her. Situations like these are different for everyone. How people deal with loneliness are not the same. She has friends but having that one special someone to love and make your birthday memorable makes a big difference.
05/19 Direct Link
Smell of coconut suntan lotions. The sea air. What perfect thoughts to have for the weekend. A day at the beach - laying down being a slave to sun as it mercilessly beats down on ones oiled skin baking it to a nice golden brown. I can feel it on my skin as I sit here in a cold office doing the weeks reports - what I would give to have that right now- just poof myself away to the beach speaking of which is close by. What a thought to just drop everything and just jump into the warm salty water.
05/20 Direct Link
Hydrate. That's the key factor these days seeing how hot the weather has gotten in recent weeks after weeks of non stop rain. I would take the rain over a warm day anytime especially when all it does is drains you. Water - it quenches you yet at the same time it causes much destruction to the world - floods, drowning yet its one of the most peaceful element in nature. The calm water they say is not always safe cause beyond it could lie danger like a person. Someone who seems calm and peaceful are the ones with danger lurking within.
05/21 Direct Link
Opportunities knocks and sometimes we don't answer and it goes way and we don't know when it will come around again. Opportunities can come in all forms people, work; experiences all which can help us change our life for the better. Often though we let them pass us by. I sometimes think about the chance I would have had with ‘c' if things had been a little difference or if things had gone a different direction I guess I would never know now would I. Maybe opportunity would come again - you one that thinks one more chance wont kill anyone.
05/22 Direct Link
The heat has returned. Maybe the volcanic activity in nearby Indonesia is radiating all these heat out heat. It is utterly possible - the hazes much from Indonesia have traveled with the wind to this region. Thunderstorms rolled in for a bit with wind but rain but the hot weather seem to have taken over this region. On days like these staying in might just be the answer. Going out really drains you physically but alas we have to work..... I can't imagine how people in drought stricken countries endure the heat and the lack of water. Better count my blessings.
05/23 Direct Link
Till today I still think that the mind is a powerful tool. What you think manifests itself right before your eyes. How it happens why it happens we sometimes don't know but it does. Life is full of unexplained experiences - like instincts, the feeling of a certain presence. It does sound a little eerie but it holds such fascination for some. Such is with magic and mysticism things we can't see yet we can feel and they seem to be all around. Who or what does these things is yet to be known. That is where all the mystery lies.
05/24 Direct Link
Dark clouds are back and freaky as it may sound I am ecstatic. Dark clouds mean rain and windy cool days - I welcome that anytime. Dark clouds are sometimes like life's experience. When you have dark clouds hovering over your life and you think you are at the end out comes the sun to prove you wrong. With the dark clouds on a raining it would be anti climatic because you want it to rain so much. In the case of life it means things would only get better. Does it really or are you dragged into the hole again?
05/25 Direct Link
Take risks. Live a little. Do things you never thought you would. That's living. That's life. Yet we so afraid of the outcome we chose to lead a mundane non existent life. Sometimes we just watch life go by - doing the same thing over again. Life has so much to offer yet we don't pay attention to it. Every little action, gesture, anything of nature or the surroundings seems to carry weight and it can pave the way to many good things in our lives. I would risk moving out of my comfort zone and pursuing my dreams - someday soon.
05/26 Direct Link
Being not in someone league is what I feel sometimes - like I am not good enough and why would anyone want to have anything to do with someone like me. Anyways, it's been a rough week and with the coming of the new moon tomorrow I hope things will get better even if it's a little bit. They say the new moon marks fresh starts - maybe it is and when the moon cycle ends it takes away all the negativity that we've experienced. I don't know how far that's true but I can hope for some positive ness. Praying hard.
05/27 Direct Link
No matter how bad things are - family will always be family. Though sometimes we don't see eye to eye I do believe we share a bond. I was never close to my fathers' side of the family but today I felt a connection to them and realizing I am part of them - all the smiles and small talk could actually be genuine. Who knows - all we can do is be ourselves and embrace them all. How often do we meet family members - at weddings, at funerals that's it. Other than that everyone seems to be busy with their own lives.
05/28 Direct Link
Thunderstorms, heavy rains and strong winds can really spoil a wedding. How are guests going to come when it rains? Odds are it will ruin their clothes and everything else but it really shouldn't deter anyone - the show must go on and when they people who are getting married is important enough you would brace the weather. Kind of romantic wedding on a rainy day ...I wonder if they would be daring enough to run out in the rain- that would be a first. Good food is waiting, great company, some dancing fun - so brace the rain we shall.
05/29 Direct Link
Writing this month was a real struggle. I had to push myself real hard. Sometimes you just so out of it. I think a lot of people experience the same thing. Welcome to the writing world I guess. Writers have always advised inspiring writers to write, write, and write. everyday - does not matter what is being written I don't stop just keep on going I think it helps stimulate the mind and disciplines one. I sometimes lag especially when the world seem to be going crazy - all these ideas build up in my mind but nothing put down on paper.
05/30 Direct Link
I sometimes wonder why tragedies affect the poorest regions in the world. Indonesia seems to have its share of natural calamities and sometimes I wonder why. They have so much faith, maybe that's why they are tested the way they are. I wouldn't know though I constantly ask why. It just breaks my heart seeing the faces of the people who have lost their loved ones and lives they have build all their lives. I don't think it would be easy to start over and having to live with the trauma. All I can say may God help them all.
05/31 Direct Link
Mid year - where did all the time go. Sometimes it feels that it was just yesterday that it was the beginning of the year. Time flies when you're err having fun? Or not.... One more month and ‘C' goes back home from Iraq, maybe I will stop worrying then or not. This seems like an ‘or not' writing session probably because I am sure of some things and not really sure of everything Made it another month with the 100 words as much as struggle it was. Cool me or not ...sounds like the way some people speak or not..