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What a banner day, what a way to start the month, set the tone. Refinancing went smoothly and with more cash out than I'd expected. And then the most marvelous news, not the least because the timing was so unexpected: I passed the exam!! I have never before understood being so very happy at the outcome of an event that you break down into tears. The combination of joy, relief, release, it was all so overwhelming.
And after such brilliant news, a meeting of the Advisory Board. This group is sounding ever more promising, and more flattering, they all seem very impressed with me. There is such a need for the things we can do, and we have a built-in conduit to just the kind of organizations that need us it may all work somehow. It is an exciting prospect, although it may well take several months for it to gel and come together into something viable, and may never be enough to be my "only" gig. It would be a dream come true for me.
I have not been faithful with writing daily this month – the DeQuervain's in my wrist is mostly responsible, even with the splint off this month as I've not been able to juggle the laptop on the train, my real opportunity for scribbling thoughts and words. And so there will be entries that seemingly don't make sense, or where the content spans a few days. If I don't manage to post it all, it won't be for lack of trying. I'm torn whether I should even try to keep up, there is just so much going on for me right now.
This is the two year anniversary of my joining the project, so I want to keep up with the writing. It helps me retain or find my focus on the more important things in life, especially when something trivial like work threatens the balance. Looking back at the end of a month, I see the common themes that were somehow hidden from view while I was in the midst of living them. I often find things that I can work on, improve, change, modify about my life when reviewing the previous month's entries. It provides an avenue for structured reflection.
A fifteen minute ice-breaker conversation spins into a two hour delight, traversing such subjects as cars, boats, houses, restoring older houses, vacations, food and who can remember what else? It is so easy to talk to this guy, no hesitations or awkward moments, we're like two peas in a pod, or friends who've known each other for years. Of all the options that have been presented to me in the last week, this seems the most promising, and damn! if he isn't in the metro Gotham area. He seems to be together, interesting, personable, friendly and quirky. Please be true.
Getting up in the dark, being at the train station in the dark, and seeing the sunrise clearly from the train is beginning to bother me. There are weeks left until the time change but they cannot come quickly enough for me. At least it is still daylight when I leave the office, a saving grace, although shortly I will be able to watch sunrise and sunset from the train. The crowd on the early morning train is very quiet (not yet awake), but the same group sitting together at night is something of a terror for other unsuspecting passengers.
There isn't enough time, I need more time at home to do things, do chores, clean up, sort things, have some creative down time. Physical therapy eats two nights a week right now, and with only three hours in an evening at home on school nights, an hour out for therapy just kills it. I can't eat dinner before therapy as there is no time, yet holding off until after dinner seems impossible. There's no thought of cooking on those nights, I forage in the fridge for something edible before I collapse. This isn't a life, this is hard labor.
A blank day, nothing remarkable. I dislike days like this, when you can't remember the next day anything that happened. Was it just bad? Too busy? Completely boring? A disappointment? There have been many days like this in the last year, there will be many more in the years to come. But hope springs eternal – and I live in hope that soon things will change. There are exciting things afoot professionally, I seem to have found someone to date, and I'm in good health, what more can I ask for? A year ago, I had none of these three things.
Possibilities start to break out all over the landscape. Yowsa! I can't believe that I'm even being considered for some of these things, but hey, I'll take it while I can, it is too good to ignore. Working for a financial institution is not high on my personal lists of things I want to do, but as a stepping stone to the next level, I now view it as an acceptable choice. I need to get out of here, that hasn't changed, even if some of the urgency is gone, and real opportunities for growth are few and far between.
My first facial – Bliss is certainly appropriately named. I could really get used to this, go once a month and indulge in pampering. I don't know that I've ever allowed myself to be truly pampered or indulged. I do sometimes splurge, but it is always a definite, finite thing, a small splurge, not an indulgence. Lemon water, wine, little snacks including reasonable brownies, followed by quiet pampering. I now dream of getting the full works, not just a quick facial, or being a regular customer. That would certainly get rid of a lot of the tension in my daily life.
There were a number of absolutely beautiful sunrises this month. Or perhaps there are this many every month, but I did not have my nose buried in the computer every morning. My wrist was definitely not up for balancing the laptop on my lap so that I could be really working for the office on the train. It is a very odd thing to simply ride the train. I have pulled out some needlepoint with which to occupy myself during the long journey and bring some tranquility, especially during the evenings, and I'm making progress with The Two Towers redux.
I was provoked into going suit shopping when the seemingly real possibility of interviews loomed large on the horizon. It was an appalling experience, exhausting and frustrating, even in the online incarnation, although some packages will arrive on my doorstep. There is no such thing as a dress with suit coat to be found anywhere with availability in the next few days. Most of the suits had long, tailored jackets that will never fit me. I've made the rounds, consulted Miss Carol, and finally resorted to shopping at a major mall on the Island. I so hate shopping . . .
. . .but shopping for clothes, from head to toe, inside and out, is really the worst. The garment limit means you end up undressing, then dressing again to go out and get more clothes so you can undress and get dressed again, all in tiny little cubicles with poor lighting and ugly wall colors. This is supposed to encourage me to part with my money? I think not.
Reward for grueling shopping experience: meeting himself in person for the first time, for a late brunch and having a very fine Delerium Tremens beer with an acceptable dish of Waterzooi stew.
...This meeting is easy, although I admit he's not quite what I expected, but then I realize, I didn't really have a clear expectation set in my head. He is in person exactly who he is on the phone and I like it. I like it enough to let him pay the check and not argue at all about it. My, my how we have grown, although he won't have a clue, probably ever. I don't want it to end, but I know I must return home. Before we part ways, he gifts me with a box of Easter peeps.
Ooooh, baby, today the Reach Awards were announced at the office. Of course, Sr. Management had "problems" with the idea of our group getting the award for the recovery after the august blackout, and instead the award goes to a much safer choice. Even the departmental award goes to someone from the development side of things. Supposedly, they couldn't accept the idea of a group of people getting the award – why, yes, of course – we wouldn't want to reward or encourage teamwork, would we??
I just want out of here as fast as possible before I do something truly stupid.
A day off to fight the village court (I won, although I was admittedly worn down by the administrative and procedural grindstone) gives me a few minutes to breathe. Starting the day at the pool – the third time in under a week, how fantastic is that? – almost guarantees a good day. I really do want my schedule to loosen so that I have the flexibility to get in the pool more often. And perhaps the wrist will soon be healed enough to get back to pilates, which makes me feel soooooo good, I've no bones at all, just silken ribbons.
I will remember tonight for a very long time. Walking through the Egyptian wing of the Met, going backwards in time with a running discourse on the style, history and significance of the works by yours truly. I think it surprised him. Adjourning upstairs to the grand hallway, a table for two and a bottle of wine with cheese and crackers to replenish our energy. Discovering he has already closed the door on other possibilities because he's so taken with this one did not cause me a moment's concern, it was just wonderful that he volunteered that bit of knowledge.
…and what would have been enough for a second date, an evening at the Met, continued with dinner out in a Manhattan restaurant with a date that is well-mannered, well-spoken and interesting. I really don't have any basis for comparison, but this feels wonderful. No, that's not the wine talking, that is discovering that we have so many obscure and quirky tastes in common, beyond stale peeps. Again, I don't want the meeting to end, but the 12:37 train calls to me. To use what I will eventually recognize as one of his signature phrases, we are both cautiously optimistic.
Reading more and more about SarbanesOxley, GLBA, HIPAA, and the recent SEC changes until it all becomes a blur. It really all just boils down to best practices, risk management and documentation. Know what the risks are, document them, take basic precautions and document them as well. The consulting gig looks more and more like a viable possibility that may in fact come to pass in the coming months. Clients are being lined up and I'm been viewed as one of the main talents. How refreshing. Of course, I am not giving up on other avenues of escape from Alcatraz.
Fionnbhear is definitely out of sorts with the arrival of Miss Leo. He hasn't come to snuggle and be a cozy kitty since she arrived. And it hasn't helped that I am not home much the last few weeks, between therapy, the Advisory board and such. Should I actually end up in a relationship with someone who lives in Westchester, this will likely only get worse before it gets any better. The cats get along, there are no cat wars with screaming, hissing cats with teeth and claws bared, but sibling rivalry and infighting for attention is still a problem.
I am trapped in email hell. My primary email address is on the fritz again and it is driving me bonkers. I can't talk to Helene about what is going on, this amazing little potion that is bubbling up in my private life. We are talking on the phone every night, the man and myself, and it is good. He is encouraging, supportive, funny, self aware, and able to *be* there for me in ways that never occurred to the other men in my life. And I am certain that he will get along well with my family and friends.
Oh my, oh my. The consulting gig is looking more and more real. I am trying not to be too hopeful, but it really would be a dream come true: a release from the required 9am to 5 pm in the city five days a week, variation in what I'm doing and who I interact with, where I am. Alan says this could take off very big, very fast. Of course, he's the sales part of this venture, his job is to be upbeat and encouraging. But he's also much more honest and straightforward than any other known sales type.
I suddenly realize that I've stepped off the face of the earth as far as others are concerned. Thela, The Wizard, the Lexx group and KCNN, I've simply vanished. Time, time, time, it is all a matter of time and not having enough of it. I'm poor, with not enough time to make ends meet. Ongoing issues with email have not helped, either. What can I say, I'm finally actually living a real life, in real-time and in 3-D, rather than being isolated in the electronic, virtual realms of cyberspace. This is a GOOD THING and Spilman would be proud.
After being stuck in traffic for hours, dinner and the Richie Havens concert with Gary & Lily was great, and they both really liked my date. The cats like the man as well, and he thinks their all darling, even though he's allergic (meds seem to keep the reaction within tolerable limits). He likes George Booth and S. Gross (one and the same), how can I not groove on this guy? I'm not quite sure how we're going to make this work in the short term with the distance but we both feel this is too good to not do everything possible to make it happen, and then we can resolve the distance thing somehow.
What to write, what to write? Blather about work? Express my continuing frustration with the complete lack of time, time, time, never enough time? Spout silly romantic drivel? No, no, that will not do. There is something to be said for keeping in mind your audience, but I do try to write without though for the fact that this will be read by someone, otherwise, I'd never say anything at all. If you're going to record your inner journeys, you must be honest about them. This is a strange time, having so much going on but uncertain what to share.
/Happy, happy! Joy, joy! I really do not remember the last time I felt this light and happy. I cannot concentrate on work, or much of anything. I smile easily and situations at work that would normally have me scowling are relatively easy to laugh off, because it is no longer the only thing of any significance in my life. Who cares that its fall, it feels like spring, the world born new with possibilities. Yikes, did I just write that? This space could get messy if I continue like that, apologies in advance for those of a squeamish nature.
I spent a large part of the first half of the month sending out resumes at work. There was almost nothing for me to do anyway and this way I at least looked busy. After all the lunch hours I've spent working over the past two years, I don't even feel guilty about it. Nothing has come of any of those resumes and I am beginning to suspect that this is the universe telling me to sit tight a while longer and the whole dam will burst and my world will be completely upended, but in the very best way.
Browsing silk and lace online with the intent of bringing the poor man to his knees, it occurs to me that here is another arena that is sorely lacking: creative and beautiful designs for those with womanly curves. Most lingerie is designed for the "standard" frame as determined by designers, with no options for tall or petite. Given that the whole idea behind the product is to flaunt the womanly curves, it is disappointing that there is no real outlet for alternatives and that Victoria's Secret does not carry all products in all their available sizes. More future career possibilities...
I have finally started to knit again, my wrist can accept the movement needed to handle the yarn and needles. I am completely psyched, I have so many ideas running through my head. I'd like to make all sorts of projects for holiday presents, but unless something gives, I doubt I'll have time. I'm not knitting much in the evening, either, because I'm rushing to get things done in my minimalist evening, chopped up by physical therapy and other errands. But here and there I find a few minutes and make progress on a series of small projects, intended gifts.
I survived my first firing. No, I didn't get fired, I fired someone. Eighteen months of documented performance problems, three very negative and specific performance reviews, and he was surprised by it. It gets to the essence of why he was fired - he just didn't understand in a visceral way that his performance was not acceptable. I guess we managed to say all the right things to him, because just before he left the office, when I reiterated that it wasn't personal, it was performance, he still reached out and gave me a hug. What an amazing final outcome.
A triumphant Samhain, if not particularly deeply spiritual. Lovely carved and lit pumpkins, guardians of the gate, survived the night intact. The dark porch glowed with laughing and evil faces, instilling caution in even the teenage trick-or-treaters. Icewine and mulled apple cider spiked with brandy did their trick of opening up the senses to the other realms. Pumpkin ravioli with sage and walnuts in a brown butter sauce was a big hit for the Samhain feast.
May I just say for the record that this man makes me so damn happy it should be scary, but it is not.
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