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Sometimes, the reward is immediate. Sometimes, youíre never sure if the reward really ever comes at all. The reward can be deceiving, not at all what it appears, or with hidden, adverse consequences. The reward can be insufficient to the effort, or it can be late, or too late to do any good. It can come with strings attach that make you not want to accept the reward. It can be something thatís not of value to you. The reward can be any combination of these things. Iíve never heard, however, that the reward is too much or too soon.
What has been holding me back from raging success? Thatís a loaded question and one Iím initially not at all certain how to answer, as I no longer can tell what answers I have are truly legitimate and which are only my (mis-)perception. Which is probably the entire point of the exercise: determining what is really a problem and what isnít, and then trying to work on the actual problem. Fear of failure shouldnít stop me from reaching for the brass ring and going for a job that I know I can do, just because I had one bad experience.
Leaving the house this morning, the landscape around me was wrapped lightly in fog. I love early morning fog, it allows you a few more minutes of dreamlike transition from waking to functioning in the real world and going to work. It quiets the world, dampening the hubbub from cars and people around you, creating a gentle cocoon around you. It is a very civilized way to start the day. Some mornings I really do need this slow transition into the ďreal world.Ē Actually, I probably love fog at any time of the day, it is just so damn atmospheric!
Feast or Famine. Thatís how it seems to go at this office, more so than any environment Iíve ever dealt with. After a month of enduring an uber-Feast cycle, Iím now in Famine with the workload. Iím cleaning out email folders and my computerís desktop just to have something to do. Iím chasing down loose ends, research, reading. Iím proofreading marketing material Ė hell, Iím creating it, fer chrissake! Yes, there are things Iím avoiding, but a few more days of this, and Iíll even start checking out Second Life, as Iíve got a legitimate business reason for doing so.
Tyger, Tyger, burning bright - indeed. The more I learn about the possibility, the more I think either it will be the making of me in my career or that I need to run far and fast in the opposite direction. I am puzzled and bedfuddled by what I read about this place, and trying very hard to not to let the financial aspects of the situation completely seduce me. I know that the potential money is very tempting, but no amount can make up for a work environment that will make me unhappy and sucks up all my time.
Discipline is a wonderful thing, but without any underlying motivation, it is very difficult to apply. This is the lesson I am learning at this time. If I am motivated, I can be very disciplined about doing whatever it is that needs doing, but without it... it seems that I am perfectly content to be unmotivated with the result that Iím not disciplined. Which means Iím not accomplishing very much these days. This has many adverse consequences, some of which will have cascading impacts. Yet I cannot seem to find the motivation to change this, no matter what I do.
I need time off. I need several days to just sleep in and relax. Geoffrey now gets why the pool on Saturday morning isnít happening, as it requires getting up at the same time as a workday. While I was able to do that a few years ago, for whatever reason, right now that just doesnít happen, unless I canít sleep. And I want some vacation, what are we going to do this year? Will we be able to go to Chicago for a few days, just to play in the not-quite-so-big city, maybe spend some time with my parents?
It is hardly surprising that I decide to spend some of my first month's raise on yarn. But what yarn? Again, it is hardly surprising, that it is Colourmart. I am determined to go for something different this time, selecting yarn in weights and colors and quantity that I should be able to make two nice sweaters, even if they are not part of the contest on Rav. I know that even if I buy this yarn now, in a few weeks there will be more that I want to buy Ė I need to knit more, not buy more!
It is the first time in my life Iím relaxed at an interview. I would like to be offered the job, no doubt, but Iím not desperate to get it. I think in every other interview Iíve been slightly desperate to get a job, to get out of my then-current job, whatever. I donít claim that my current situation is ideal, but it is acceptable for the moment. And I have my doubts about this prospective outfit, and whether or not the culture there is what I want. I would enjoy the paycheck and perks, but is that really enough?
Mia Michaels really reminds me of Rae. I can't quite put my finger on exactly why or how, but maybe it is in the way she carries herself and wears clothes, no matter her weight. And there's something about her personality that comes out when she's talking to the dancers that is a take-no prisoners loving warmth that speaks to me of Rae. Her ability to convey story and emotion has changed my opinion of contemporary dance, which I previously thought just mechanical, disjointed and somewhat tortured movement.
I had a very strange dream last night, it was very complete, very linear, and it was coherent, rather like watching a movie. It was nevertheless bizarre, involving aliens inhabiting human bodies (or was it just a glamour they wore? I never did find out) and their plots to harm Boss Lady. Clearly, it was a science fiction movie and it pretty certainly was motivated by my subconscious, which appears to have made a decision about the job situation Iím currently facing. Even though I donít have all the data yet, although I did get another expected reward here yesterday.
It has the potential to be the perfect Local Yarn Store. It is large, comfortably so, with wide windows and what could be window seats. The yarn selection is quite wide, with several kinds of yarn I've never seen before, so I got to pet away to my heart's content and discovered a couple new ďreal possibilities.Ē The staff was welcoming without being intrusive, even as they were having a good chat with the regulars (none of whom struck me as serious knitters). Although it isn't exactly local, I knew exactly what I'd do if it was my store.
It is interesting what we see and focus on the second time we see a house. That has only happened a couple of times , although I think we saw both the Bayport Dragonfly house and the Tavern three times. Maybe because weíre not so involved in looking at the specifics of which room is this, how big is it, what does it lead to, what doesnít work about the finishings or dimensions, that we can better understand the general feeling of the house: despite any flaws noted the first time, does the heart of the house speak to us?
It was a cloudy, overcast day. Cool, but a bit humid. After days of being threatened (promised?) rain and thunderstorms, the rain finally began to fall as the afternoon began to turn to evening. It came straight down, a gentle downpour that we heard before we saw. As I have noted before, I love such rains, and today it was particularly welcome, even though it was much too brief. The evening cooled off and was quiet and still, in contrast to the noisy morning. I think that's probably why I'm feeling better now, just in time to go to bed.
Inertia. I donít want that to be what holds me back from success and happiness - being afraid to change, to stretch, to shake up what is. Iíve been thinking about this long and hard for almost a week now and I donít think that is the issue. Iíve realized I do not view creating the role at a third company as a challenge - long, difficult work, yes; but it isnít exactly challenging. And I donít buy in to working to support the ďinterestingĒ stuff that others are doing Ė I want to be doing very interesting, challenging work myself.
Standing in the shower this morning, I realized, in my bones, what it is I want to do. Iíve thought about this a lot the last few years and the idea isnít going away, it is getting stronger. While I have many ideas about how to achieve the goal, I am not likely to be able to take direct action to make it happen in the next year or two Ė there are already too many variables going on about where we will live. If something falls into my lap, however, I will be prepared to act on it immediately.
I've become a poor correspondent. I've left Matthias hanging, I'm avoiding my dutch uncle, I'm not committing to a friend's birthday party in August, and worst of all, I haven't answered Rachel back from Christmas. Argh! Yet the choice is write here or write them, I don't seem to have enough words to go around right now. I have a very difficult time managing to write here, and it is almost never consistently on time Ė I have to make up at least a day a week, because although I think the words while driving, I cannot write them down.
Ginger plum pulled pork Ė oh, my! Another major barbeque success for Geoffrey, after it spent more than 18 hours on the Egg. I literally couldn't stop myself when I got home, I was eating piece after piece directly out of the tray while himself was talking to the boys next door. He shouldn't have left me alone with it, really. It wasn't very spicy at all, and not exactly a plummy or ginger taste that you could identify on the tongue, but with a lovely round, mellow flavor, not too much smoke, just incredibly addictive. Yummy. Give me more.
I think today was my practical celebration of Solstice as the longest day of the year. After both going to bed early last night, we were up very early this morning, and watched the neighborhood wake up around us on a perfect summer day. It was not the most celebratory day in the ďeat drink and be merryĒ sense, as it was filled with chores and errands, but there were fun bits and we made full use of the very long daylight hours, which to me is what is important. It wasnít a day that was wasted, passing without comment.
After two weeks of back and forth, I've settled the details of my trip to see my parents. Frustrated by the timing of direct flights that require travel to and from LaGuardia in NYC rush hours, I am taking the non-stop flights both directions. Hey, I can knit on the plane, right? I have a feeling the trip won't be quite the peaceful retreat I would like, but I've never quite viewed trips back to the family homestead as vacations. Why should that change now? At least I don't have to pay for the flight, I'm using some banked miles.
Today the Summer Solstice starts. I'll be on the road tomorrow, but for tonight I'm home enjoying the festivities, such as we've been able to put them together. It is a quiet celebration, this being a school night and all, but still, there is a bottle of champagne with dinner, enjoyed al fresco. We're feeling crowded out these days by the neighbors who are using their side yard more and more, so it is indeed a rare pleasure to eat outside in peace. Someday, we will have the outdoor living space that we dream of, spacious, private, comfortable... some day.
Iím delighted to discover that the hotel room has windows that actually open and allow fresh air into the room. Over the last twenty years, weíve become resigned to hotel rooms that are stale little boxes, with windows are just glass walls. Here is proof that a window can be opened and yet not present a viable danger of jumpers, or whatever the hotelsí argument is against providing usable windows. The hotel dining menu was also a thoughtful alternative from the usual standard, especially welcome as we did not want to go driving about in search of a decent dinner.
I must have grown some in this past year, I can read the ďother guysĒ much better now. I know which guy I don't want to deal with because his arrogance exceeds even his suit size. I know which guys are interested and want to deal with us because in not so many words they tell the organizers the rules are getting in the way of doing business. I know when we're being palmed off because they don't know what to do with us. I'm delighted that Boss Lady referred to me with my new title of Principle Investigator.
What were my hopes and dreams a year ago? I canít remember. Even looking back at what I wrote here, it isnít clear Ė because I wasnít sure myself. It can hardly come as a surprise then that I have not really made a lot of progress toward achieving any goals. This year has been about treading water, just trying to keep things together, the house, my career (such as it is) and my relationship with Geoffrey. I have done that much, and I have also achieved a better understanding of what my hopes and dreams are for the next phase.
I stop briefly to consider how long have Elizabeth and I known each other and write a number on a piece of paper, as math done purely in my head is often wrong, and am slightly horrified. Believing it is - no, hoping it is an error, I write the other number and do the math hardcopy: 2010 minus 1993... does, in fact, equal 17. I am so taken aback, I sit there for a few minutes. I accept that Helene and I to have been friends for 25 years, but 17 years since Elizabeth and I ruled the UES?
Sometimes, I know exactly what I want to do with a certain yarn. I find the pattern, make a swatch, fiddle with the pattern math a bit, and off I go. The swatch is the confirmation that the pattern is right for the yarn, that the fabric drapes the way it needs. I have been stymied now with two different yarns that I really want to use. Every pattern that interests me presents a new problem with the yarn. I need to find a workable solution as I need to cast on a new project, I finished one last night.
I have such strong memories of that period of my life. The prior two years were so nondescript, everything devoted to work and school, that the blossoming of an actual social life, doing things, going places, meeting people, was like suddenly living in Technicolor when I had been accustomed to black and white. It was so good to sit and laugh with her, rediscovering each other nearly twenty years on and being reminded of why we were such good friends. It seemed like there had been no time apart, even though sheís now an old married lady with two kids.
I'm melting. It feels like August, and this is the second (third?) day of it. Hot, humid, sticky, difficult to breathe in it weather. I can't put makeup on in the house. I can't get comfortable in bed at night. What the hell happened to spring this year? We're supposed to have a cooler than average summer in the northeast according to the Farmer's Almanac, but it certainly isn't shaping up that way so far. If it is like this tomorrow, I'll spring for a hotel so we can both get some sleep - the neighbors are partying again outside tonight.
I like being in the office before other people, having that quiet time when youíre awake and fresh to get things done. To think about what needs to be done, different approaches. Once the day really starts and people are in and out of your office and the background noise levels rise it becomes is difficult to hear those little whispers of ideas that dart in and out of your head. I also admit I enjoy a slow start to the morning, even if I already had coffee on the road Ė reading website headlines, assessing my inbox, reviewing the calendar.
Cool relief has finally arrived. I think my brain is finally working again. I'm looking forward to sleeping tonight, I'm in real need of a decent night's sleep. I hope the neighbors are quiet tonight. I'm getting a little tired of the houseguests, and they're not even mine. I sound like a cranky old lady complaining about my neighbors, and I guess that really is what I am now. I can't decide if I want a fence or air conditioning more at this point. They will cost about the same, but I don't yet have enough cash for either one.
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