08/01 Direct Link
So we both forgot to say Rabbits, Rabbits, Rabbits again this morning. Itís Friday morning, I was the first one out of bed and it isnít my native tradition, so I didnít even think of it. While we could use all the luck we can get to sell the house, to keep me from just walking away from this job, I have my doubts about this particular superstition: there have been months weíve both managed to say Rabbits before anything else, they werenít necessarily better months. I prefer my money green candle and meditation of ďHealth, Wealth and Good Fortune.Ē
08/02 Direct Link
I keep trying to find the Saturday rhythm. I used to have a flow, get up and go in the early morning, keep moving all day with chores or errands and collapse before dinner. I am now routinely making it to the pool in the morning, but in our attempts to be together I think Geoffrey and I are sometimes doing things awkwardly the rest of the day. I think the fact that heís not truly at home Ė its my house, not our house - is a contributing factor to the weekend weirdness, but that isnít likely to change soon.
08/03 Direct Link
I donít know where the swell of emotion came from. It made me aware how fortunate I am with my parents, that I do really like them. I know I made the right choice coming to NY when I was younger, but I am at that stage where I wish they were close enough we could drive over for dinner and come home the same day. Iím jealous that Geoffrey has that ability with his mother, and also oddly disappointed that he doesnít often take advantage of the opportunity, but he doesnít have the same kind of relationship with her.
08/04 Direct Link
Blue Monday. Weekends are just not long enough anymore, and they do seem shorter with Geoffrey having Fridays off. I remember getting off work in the city early on Fridays in summer, it was only a couple of hours, but it certainly made the weekend seem grander, and the company more generous. Now, Iíve got fewer vacation and sick days than Iíve ever had, no personal days, only seven holidays a year and they require me at my desk more hours a day than anywhere else than Iíve ever worked. No wonder the weekend feels shorter Ė by comparison it is!
08/05 Direct Link
Iím getting swept away by all the pretty things I could knitÖ eh, will knit. Someday. Iíve ordered patterns for lacy, very feminine jackets and tops. Iím in search of a book to buy essentially for a single pattern. The Tudor Grace project at Knitspot has me drooling, but honestly, how many scarves can a single woman use? But the stitch pattern intrigues me, and I wonder if there might be a way to incorporate it into a cardigan somehow. At present I canít complete all the projects that are well-defined, nevermind the half-baked ideas Iím getting at this point.
08/06 Direct Link
I am waiting on tenterhooks to hear my fate. I sent my resume in for a job that sounds wonderful on paper Ė the right title, the right job description - but with no indication of industry or company, thereís still plenty of room for the prospect to go sour. This is the second full day of waiting and Iím beginning to lose that happy, hopeful feeling that got me through the beginning of the week. Most of the jobs Iíve gotten in the past resulted from an immediate call-back, so in my mind no news is definitely not good news.
08/07 Direct Link
I am marking time. At the office, I am doing as little as possible these days, trying to struggle through the boredom. There doesnít seem to be much point in getting excited about anything. Some projects are getting lip service, but I donít really expect anything to come of it, not now, not after so many aborted attempts. And at home, weíre both marking time until the house in Rye sells. Why, Iím not quite sure, as we could be making choices about the future, doing research, at least moving forward together, but he believes selling his house comes first.
08/08 Direct Link
For probably the first time ever, I watched the Opening Ceremonies to the Olympics. Yes, it was a wondrous display, the technology, the creativity, the pageantry and the sheer masses of human power Ė something like 15,000 unique human performers over a two hour show Ė but let us not forget that such a show is also, at its heart, propaganda, an opportunity to promote the history and culture of a nation and to change the perception of a government, freely broadcast to tens of millions around the world. Hopefully China will learn what we have not: might does not make right.
08/09 Direct Link
I am marking time. At the office, I am doing as little as possible these days, trying to struggle through the boredom. There doesnít seem to be much point in getting excited about anything. Some projects are getting lip service, but I donít really expect anything to come of it, not now, not after so many aborted attempts. And at home, weíre both marking time until the house in Rye sells. Why, Iím not quite sure, as we could be making choices about the future, doing research, at least moving forward together, but he believes selling his house comes first.
08/10 Direct Link
Iíve decided to jump right in to the deep end. If I am having problems finding community and friends in the real world, Iíll go back online, to the yarn site that has so intruiged me this year Ė I have something in common with everyone there. Geoffrey helped me take photos, I posted the best of them and selected a DragonCon costumed photo for my profile Ė why not go for broke? As I start listing my stashs yarn I realize how much I really have, especially with the recent purchases from Colormart and the yarn shoppeís sale. No more yarn!
08/11 Direct Link
Iím done for today, my eyes hurt, Iím massively tired, kept awake all night by mewling kitty who was apparently frightened of the yarn left in the living room (he didnít bring it upstairs with triumphant chirps, as he did with the other yarn yesterday), and bird that is soon to be dead if it opens its beak tonight: it sounded just like a mewling kitty shut up in a closet somewhere. Even knowing it was not one of my creatures making that noise (went downstairs twice to check), I would wake up every time I heard it last night.
08/12 Direct Link
Happy Birthday Miss Helene! I hope all your wishes and dreams come true, even if I canít do anything to help it happen. There wonít be any birthday dinner, for the first time in what, sixteen years? Or is it longer? I never can quite remember when you came to NY. I remember standing in my little Astoria kitchen, talking on the phone to you Ė were you in DC already in í89? Ė and expecting Michael in the door any minute. And then itís a blank until Ď91, when I left Linnie with you while I traveled abroad for six weeks.
08/13 Direct Link
A yearís sabbatical. Traveling. I canít quite imagine it. No, seriously, I canít. Iíve lived out of suitcases for six weeks, staying at one place for nearly a week at a time, and by the end of it, I was so ready to sleep in my own bed. There are long trips Iíd like to make: a month to travel across country by car, and extended trip to England, Scotland and Ireland, PEI and Nova Scotia, Victoria/Vancouver and Alaska. And letís not forget a tour of Europe, with time to see all of it. But not in a continuous loop.
08/14 Direct Link
Five years ago was The Blackout, and twelve hours spent trying to get home. Ten years ago I was on tenterhooks waiting for the closing date for buying the house. Fifteen years ago, I was cursing being deemed the Most Dangerous Woman Alive in the small community of Irish in exile. Twenty years ago I arrived in NYC, fresh from ankle reconstruction following my precipitous and unhappy departure from Germany. Twenty-five years ago I was learning what it was like to be a full-time working woman who also maintained a household. No wonder I dream of escaping into a sabbatical.
08/15 Direct Link
What can I say? It was great to see King Crimson after a five year hiatus, and even if the sound system wasnít able to keep up with the percussive music of the band, we were able to see Fripp hiding behind his amps, actually smiling and having fun with the band. It was like being real adults, going out to a concert followed by a late night dinner. Never mind that we fell asleep before 1 AM, being out and about in the city in the evening was novel, and clearly something that we need to do more often.
08/16 Direct Link
Seeing the Turner retrospective exhibition at the Museum was great, reminding me of old times long gone. It was relatively uncrowded too, an extra bonus that surprised me; NYC is tourist central in summer. As I strolled through the rooms, I thought about the lost opportunity this spring that would have put me back in the city and back in this atmosphere. I donít know how to swing it, but I need to get back to this Ė the arts, the culture, and yes, the city. Geoffrey enjoyed this trip so much that Iím hopeful weíll now visit much more often.
08/17 Direct Link
Driving through the farmland on the North Fork today, I felt a nostalgic and slightly irrational pull to plant vegetables. Or barring that, to blanch, shock, can and freeze, the way we did when I grew up. I know there are houses for sale with an acre or two of land, we could live out on the North Fork, plant a garden, buy a share in a CSA, and live as local as possible. If I could work from home. If. That might be one solution to our future geography question, assuming we find the Island liveable for the future.
08/18 Direct Link
Iím hot and Iíve got wool on the mind Ė I must be sick! I know my near-obsession with yarn and patterns is an escape from current reality, much the way that music and reading used to be for me Ė still are when the circumstances are right. But there are times when Iím too tired to read page after page of words in small print, and I find looking at yarn p0rn is both relaxing and stimulating, kind of like chocolate. As long as I donít buy any moreÖoh, yeah, that idea isnít exactly working out too well now, is it?
08/19 Direct Link
The moon still looks quite full and it is lurking about during daylight hours, which I always find delightful. It always seems like something out of fairy-tale, or the cover a science-fiction novel, something surreal, not to be believed, especially when its so large in the sky. I find this view of our own moon so arresting and I dream of someday seeing with my own eyes a sky from another planet, especially an exotic one with a double sun or moons, or some other planetary arrangement, perhaps another planet looming large in the sky, or maybe a pink sky.
08/20 Direct Link
Iíve been considering applying for a job in that would mean a significant relocation. We havenít been to the area ourselves, but West lives there, and Miss H would probably sell her grandmother to live there. It is rather far from civilization though, and after recent events, that is giving me pause, which surprised me at first. I want to have some privacy, a small bit of property with the house and be a bit off the beaten path, but I clearly donít want to have to drive for a whole day just to get a culture or foodie fix.
08/21 Direct Link
Iím reeling by the end of the day after hearing from two different professionals within 24 hours just how dire my work situation is, it seems to have five times the impact of hearing it just once. Even though it wasnít news to me, I was so depressed driving home, the traffic snarl just seemed the appropriate end to a really sucky day. Getting home to see his car on the street, ready to go to Rye after dinner just pulled the last bit of anything positive right out of me, no chance to feel sheltered in his arms tonight.
08/22 Direct Link
Hope. It flares so quickly, so brightly, and it dies so slowly. It began to flicker for me again today after learning of a possibility that seems to match so much of what I am looking for, what I have been thinking of as a way to save my career that it is startling. And with the door opened, hope exploded from a hidden ember like a backdraft in a burning building, filling me, overwhelming me. It was wonderful, amazing contrast to the low, low, low point that I was brought to yesterday.
08/23 Direct Link
Touring Sagamore Hill was much more interesting than the other estate tours weíve done on the North Shore. It was actually a home, lived in, and what is in the house belongs in the house. But more than that, the actual house was one that I liked, found myself wanting for us: sweep away the animal skins, the trophy heads, and some of the furniture, add a little bit of new paint, a garage and new appliances in the kitchen and weíll move in immediately. The longing for a home of our own with room for our stuff keeps growing.
08/24 Direct Link
As we sat in the Library this afternoon looking at the chairs, the album stacks around the floor, and the stuff of my professional and creative life, I began to feel a little queasy. It is hard to explain to someone else, but I donít do well in chaos Ė not living in it, anyway. I can deal with the chaos of a move, but once Iím in, things need to find a home quickly . The continued additions of stuff in the living areas of the house that reduce the floor space are beginning to negatively affect my internal equilibrium.
08/25 Direct Link
I slept badly, as if it were the night before the first day of class at a new school. Of course, it isnít, but my mind is filled with as many new possibilities, hopes, desires, longings and fears as if it was. I always enjoyed the first day of class, I was generally slightly bored during summer vacation. That translated to enjoying new challenges as an adult, yet I can see the ossification setting in: Iím being cautious and hesitant about all the ďwhat if-s.Ē which I attribute to layers of accumulated experience with some bad outcomes of ďwhat if-s.Ē
08/26 Direct Link
Looking at Ravelry is not a way to cure insomnia. I donít know what I was thinking, going to a website that gets my creative juices going when Iím already having problems turning off my head. I was overwhelmed with the potential of being close to the Union Square Farmerís Market and Whole Foods and a Barnes & Noble within walking distance. I am not idealizing the commute, but Iíve never quite adjusted to an hour drive rather than the 1.5 hours on the train. I want to ace the interview. Then weíll see if I still want the job.
08/27 Direct Link
Things are moving very fast with this new opportunity, which is delightful and terrifying at the same time. I am literally seething with the desire to get out and leave them to their own devices, and yetÖ there is concern about the unknown. I never thought that at the next job Iíd be running the show entirely on my own again. It worries me slightly, another job with no direct reports, what is the possible career trajectory from that? Yet it certainly seems a great place to land while G and I sort out what we want for the future.
08/28 Direct Link
Decisions. Iíve got to make some decisions this weekend. To know, with honest clarity, if Iím ready to go back to working in the city and all that it entails. It has been nearly four years since I was working in the city, but I was working from home two days a week. I have to go back five years to a full working week commute. This brings scheduling issues that I can barely remember Ė can I cope with them again? Iím very confident about the train commute, and I now really do have alternatives if trains completely shut down.
08/29 Direct Link
DragonCon. If I had a job with real vacation, Iíd be in Atlanta today, ready for a surreal weekend of costumed lunatics talking earnestly about science fiction characters and alternate universes. I know part of it is seeking to recapture the feeling of the Three Musketeers trip in 2001, but it goes beyond that. I really enjoyed the trip with Geoffrey, and not being a beach-goer, I canít think of a better way to end summer than with the skewered festivities of the largest Con. Perhaps next year weíll make it. Wait, havenít I said that the last few years?
08/30 Direct Link
Watching the Batman movie pulled me back twenty years, to an overstuffed Chelsea studio, a Brooklyn moviehouse filled with local punks, and those unbelievable dinners at CJís standalone Victorian in Bay Ridge, when the English conversation was dominated by Batman, Superman, the Punisher and the administration of Marvel and DC comics; I have no idea what was said in Chinese. It was with that crew that I first learned of Ellison and Lovecraft, of Frazetti and Warhola; they helped me move into my apartment. It was an amazing introduction to life in the Big City and it set my expectations
08/31 Direct Link
It started with the most innocent of intentions, just moving crap out of the way in the library, tired of walking around it. Something inside me broke and I started to disassemble the bookcase that holds the stereo. Five hours later, the rearrangement is nearly complete, and a fair amount has been sorted, slated for eventual removal, or otherwise tidied and cleaned. It somehow looks more like a library, although perhaps even more in need of lighting. It was the perfect way to spend an extra day in my Labor Day weekend, doing something I wouldnít in a regular weekend.