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07/01 Direct Link
My world shrank when I married. Every time. I became a mother to the men and a shrew. Thank God we all got out. Alive. I've organized my time to take dance and yoga classes. in a West African dance class. Even if you can't coordinate your arms and legs it's enough to see those little girls, and the amazing women, and powerful men. beginning of the warm-up it was the graceful teacher, a girl who maybe was four, and me. The little one knew every move and directed the teacher to turn toward the wall instead of toward us.
07/02 Direct Link
Yeah, typical Catholic school girl who lived in the big houses and always blamed parents for ills of the world. could have always lived with them and saved all my money and been rich now. They had few demands. Work...if you don't marry a rich man. They wanted us to be smart but had little faith in formal education. Past high school. A work ethic would make you rich. Not women, though. Men needed to be rich to take women out and buy them things. You have to find humor in our logic and how it changes over the years.
07/03 Direct Link
Oh dear God, reading The Color Purple. so long since seeing the movie. That movie is a big reason why Oprah is rich. Sophia did it. My memory twisted everything. thought Sophia's husband beat her down. Alice Walker stood up for Zora Neale Hurston. Zora recorded stories from the south right out of the mouths of the people. Couldn't listen to taped readings. the n word was used too many times. can remember when that word was used as if it was nothing. remember when it flipped from being a normal word to being something terrible. probably eight years old?
07/04 Direct Link
She black, babe? That's what my grandmother said. My cousin asked where she was from. she was tickled. now her grandson wasn't the only black one in the family. Her grandson should have come out lighter and mine should have come out darker. never know how genes match up. thinking about the 4th and freedom and black and white and how in my family we're poor and rich and Chinese and gay and drug addicted and proper. if I was in some other country being who I am my spirit would be trampled or I'd be locked up by now.
07/05 Direct Link
I must be very naÃÆ'¯ve. keep thinking that bitterness can be cured. I'm happy today printing old photos on a new printer. Would I be happy if I had no photos, no printer, no chocolate covered almonds, no link to a past and no sense of a future? I do love people in books, and strangers. I have trouble with everyone else. The tree outside is a magnolia. My sunflower seeds have sprouted into tall stalks. I love these photos. The spirits of the people are hovering. They can't feed off my energy because I'm protected by a quince seed.
07/06 Direct Link
Went to an art lecture. I don't believe art takes sides politically. I believe art shows what is. what is is different to different people. If you try to preach in art then you're a preacher not an artist. I don't believe in throwing out something that is considered racist. Then you're shaping history into something it wasn't. How can history be understood if someone keeps whiting out this and deleting that? All we're left with is angry people and scared people not knowing what's going on. thought Uncle Remus stories originated in Africa anyway? I want to see everything.
07/07 Direct Link
worn out. All I wanted was the deck stained and brush cut up to a hundred feet around the house. So many complications. said the deck was mostly rotted. Can't keep up with all the words that come out of his mouth. Feel like I speak a different language. He even said "and there's a lot of toilet paper out there because someone pooped and used so much paper and I can clean it up if you like because it's not good for your property"and then he went on to explain how he cut down the cost of lumber
07/08 Direct Link
heating a slice of frozen white bread. The white dog stole his cigarettes. Loaded the trunk with haunted dolls to sell on ebay. Found old stuff I'd written and know I was crazier years ago than now. Flipped the bread in the toaster oven. Have a clue to what happened to Tacah my ancestor. It was in The Color Purple. Those who refused to move to Oklahoma just mixed in with colored. She was there in Georgia on the Etowah River. Took a break to eat bread, tuna, pickles, dried tomato. He's still out there stomping around in the heat.
07/09 Direct Link
Watched couple minutes of Will and Grace. don't think I've ever been romanced. not in the last twenty or so years. The last ex never romanced me. He acted as if he was doing me a favor being with me. Wish I could have a dog. The white Akita didn't come back after stealing the cigarettes. Hope she doesn't get sick. A fat mouse was dead on the rug. Found old dog food - John's—and some poison stuffed behind paper towels. love mice. Too bad they can't be pets. Spiders, too, are cute. can see how old people become twisted.
07/10 Direct Link
Weighted down by the thought that my computer can crash and lose all that I've saved. Or I can die and family will clear everything on my computer to give to a needy person. Have to get all on a disc. Or a distant back-up. Or whereever it is that the stuff can go. Heavy work day. Want to seal my whole life in an aluminum box. conflicted. Can't stand eating meat but vegetarianism is very boring. How can we take live creatures and kill them and eat them? so barbaric. But there is nothing so delicious as a pig.
07/11 Direct Link
hope those people hurry up and re-do the building where I used to live because now it even has gang signs on the front door. I lived there for over 10 years. Many relatives lived there. I rented from relatives. Had to move because they needed to sell. Had to move out of the city where I was 4th generation if I ever wanted to buy instead of rent. Only have the place in the country because I couldn't afford to buy in the city. Now a condo in the suburbs, place in the country, and work in the city.
07/12 Direct Link
was going to write about how we become like old shoes (in relationships) and how things turn depend on whether or not you feel attached to old shoes or just want to throw them in the garbage but the idea shifted into men being feet and women being shoes so I've lost the train of thought and only think now of a train station in France somewhere and how I haven't been there in years. how cluttered life feels at this moment so I need to straighten up this place, put a scone in the toaster oven, make cinnamon tea.
07/13 Direct Link
was walking toward my car after yoga but stopped to look in a window at painted horses and a little boar on a motorcyle. I turned around, a tall, handsome man said, Hello! How are you today! I warily said, Fine. How are you? He was some distance from me and as he walked on I glanced at the car he just left as if it would tell me something about him. White Mercedes. I was wearing my fall in love t-shirt. I drove home thinking I should find one normal dress in case I ever have a normal date.
07/14 Direct Link
had never seen a car on fire but saw two in one week. Very terrifying. Two separate incidents on freeways. Thick black smoke, wicked flames. Engulfing the whole car. Each time. Expected whatever was left to explode. Had an odd experience leaving the country. Checked the mailbox on the road and after closing it heard the white dog breathing next to me. Turned to tell her go home but she wasn't there. I opened the mailbox again to see if it would make a dog breath sound but it did nothing. kept turning around to see if something was hiding.
07/15 Direct Link
It's a little schizophrenic to be driving so much between places. I'm always asking trees for help. The ugliest parts of cities are that way because there are no trees. Or too few. We may find out some day that the wisest spirits on the earth have been rooted to the ground right alongside of us. What is wrong with my headstand? Feels like I'm balancing on the edge, the sharp corner of a coffee table. It used to be normal. I cheat in the dance class by switching legs when tradition calls for onesidedness. Honor tradition by balancing reality.
07/16 Direct Link
All of a sudden feel pulled to the ground, sad, disoriented, hard to focus, hard to get going. Must be the pretzels. Peanut butter-filled. Honey mustard. Spent a long time at the store reading the ingredients. Was hoping they'd be blah but they are good and addictive. Just heard a noise like a shot. A bullet. Hear someone outside. A lady in shorts, a pink top, sandals. A man in shorts. They switched seats in a silver car so she could drive. It's suburbs. Why did she get into and then out of the passenger side and have him switch?
07/17 Direct Link
Seems like everytime I'm stuck in traffic on the way to work there's Legs making his way through the crowd. He's the old retired teacher turned crazy homeless. Most of the regular homeless have died or been put away somewhere. Legs is so tough he'll probably still be hiking around for thirty more years. I guess that's an exaggeration because he's got to be way up there in age even though his legs are still toned and his tote bag heavy. Celebrities came in to work. Cultured, refined—didn't come to work. They came in to my place of work.
07/18 Direct Link
Dragged myself out to a dance class even though too tired. Drummer from Paris was there. One from the Hawaii drum/dance camp. I was too shy to say hello especially since I'm a horrible dancer and my hair is fried and my skin is see-through. These are amazing people and I am too awe-struck. All I can do is listen to the drums and focus on the teachers and wonder when my body will wake up. Stopped by the store for blackberries, raspberries, bananas. Still sadness over all the changes. Happy and sad. Talk radio. Disturbing. Dark streets. Homeless. Freeway.
07/19 Direct Link
It's much easier to live in an anonymous world. When you don't personally connect to newspaper stories. The trouble is that the world is shrinking so it's hard to distance oneself. Too tired today. But the young children are incredible. So sharp. Inquisitive. Energy bouncing off walls. What a dichotomy. Spelling? How do adults become so screwed up? And there's a bear in the country I was warned. He tried breaking into the neighbor's garage in the afternoon. Too many things to think about. Not sure what I'd pick if I had to pick another trauma. Bear? Bomb? What else?
07/20 Direct Link
I work in a city that wants everyone to be free. nice idea. When I lived there people could scream and protest when I was trying to sleep. I'd be arrested if I took a squirt gun to them. Freedom of speech. Freedom. very confusing to me. can't see that a squirt gun is more malevalent than a string of words that burn a hole in the brain. I might have to work to pay for free health care for those who don't have health care? The last one hired here said the hours are too long? only four hours?
07/21 Direct Link
Up and back from the country. Afraid to bring food in case the akita didn't greet me at the car and the bear was on the porch hungry. So I only took one avocado. Decided against watermelon because it was too fragrant. No bear and the akita did greet me and spent the night against my door. Brought back stuff like old cd's and drawings my son made twenty-five years ago. Found boxes of glasses wrapped in 1999 newspaper. Listened to Fairuz crying singing. I wouldn't mind working mindlessly until I drop dead to feed the hungry. The trouble is
07/22 Direct Link
Printing work stuff. Need to get act in gear. get on freeway. Must be ---ooh thought I just felt an earthquakewas going to say must be a fly mesmerizer. Baby fly has been hanging around for over a week? sitting on the floor with me so I put my finger out and he hopped on. Walked around with him like I did with a fly when I first moved into my old place. Fed him pumpkin. Gave him water. Put him in the dirt on a leaf —driedin a plant's pot. stayed there a while. now gone.
07/23 Direct Link
Dreamed of being in a foreign country with family when the ex called because I had told him he could come. I have no sense. Keep hoping hormones will finally stack one on top of the other instead of being scattered and wobbly. We never see ourselves as being despicable until we grow away from who we were. What was I thinking? We are hormone driven. Too much work today. Plough through. Yoke and harness. Unbearable. Unbearable heaviness of being. This is why we need music. Open the window in our prison box to let the music in. And sunlight.
07/24 Direct Link
Over-reacted to talk radio. Health care doesn't seem to be affordable for many hard-working people and those who aren't able to work. I remember how hard it was with a low-paying job. Doctor bills can be crazy now. thought all businesses covered insurance for full-timers and were going to have to come up with more to cover the 82,000 non-insured in the city. Political talk has its twists and turns. Bought a carmel apple in a small town. it was $4.75. One apple. Trying to think of a good thing to say. Closing my eyes. can take a mustard bath.
07/25 Direct Link
I have ended the day close to midnight watering the lawn, plants, and shrubs. Nice to see a patrol car driving around. Long night at work. Heard some hospital horror stories. Don't take it for granted that they know what they're doing. And when you do die your body could be taken for a long ride to a city that has nothing to do with you. Your family can finally find you but then the hospital staff can keep calling to remind you of appointments even though you are already dead. My sunflower stalks are already over five feet tall.
07/26 Direct Link
Shoot. Spellbound got soaked in my car. Thermos leaked water. Sat with the musicians' wives. Knew if I dragged myself it would revive me. Childhood friends. Started the day watching Song of the South and crying. Maybe a new movie could be made with cuts of it interspersed with explanations of what the south was really like. Brer Fox laughs like Eddie Murphy. DVD kept sticking so I think I only got halfway through. I do love the movie, though. Even though it's supposed to be racist. I don't like the white people. Only the black people. Same from childhood.
07/27 Direct Link
Too hot. Too tired. Chihuhahua under foot. Chihuahua. Might have the start of a virus or something. Ears don't seem right. Maybe it's from last night's music. Don't feel like writing. Want to sleep. Today: Rushed to yoga. Rushed to find a birthday present. Rushed home. Rushed to clean. Rushed to greet the car as it pulled up with the chihuahua. Rushed to walk her. Rushed to dinner. Rushed home. Rushed to walk the dog. Going to sleep on the sofabed so she doesn't have far to fall if she slides off. It's also cooler down there. Little waggly tail.
07/28 Direct Link
All these unsocialized dogs. She's just wanting to interact but non are friendly. Why do people want to be with such beasts? Must be fighting a virus. Too tired. Carrying sadness around for no reason. Should be exuberantly happy. Must be faulty hormones mixed with a virus. Alternating all day between walks and television. And playing dog games like get-the-toy and get-the-ball. Might take a break from this site next month. Upset that I'm still — no forget it. Positive thinking. Norman Vincent Peale. Remember him? I'll have to look him up. Only 91 words. Only 94 words. Only 97 words.
07/29 Direct Link
I divorced all three husbands. The first I loved as a young woman loves. Storybook but he lost interest as soon as we married. The second was a drug addict but I was too naÃÆ'¯ve to know until he told me years later long after we divorced. I thought he just went crazy. The last was my worst mistake and still can't get over it. I was seventeen years older. It was doomed. The first resents me as if I wronged him. I hoped for twenty years that he'd become the nice man I thought he was. Fact or fiction.
07/30 Direct Link
All of a sudden we were going over the cliff in the air looking down. Ex said something like sorry I fell asleep and I was going to say I love you but didn't. This was it and I thought that I wouldn't be there for my grandson anymore. I was looking at my death. But I was able to push over to two projections like staples or small metal bars on the mountainside. I could possibly hold on. woke up. Earlier in the week a lion was in my dream. Loose in the street. It went down a manhole.
07/31 Direct Link
Last night my mother was the driver on the winding road. It was barely wide enough to fit the car. she was going too fast and recklessly. had to yell for her to slow down but it seemed that we'd go over the edge. Saw a crab leg sitting outside the window on the body of the car. Looked good enough to eat. Saw my dead grandmother later. She was laughing and said something about our last name meaning god. Couldn't get to work. Needed to make a call so someone would watch my son. realized he wasn't four anymore.