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02/01 Direct Link
Good thing I bent down all the way to brush my hair while using the straightening iron because I had my yoga pants on inside out. The white crotch patch was sitting there looking at me. How horrifying. This is what you get when you become middle-aged. The mini-shocks are enough to give you strokes or heart attacks. Good thing I'm still young enough to whip off the pants and try again. They look right now and my shirt is on the right way, too. Things I've gotten done: the heating system, filing system, pictures are on walls, car service
02/02 Direct Link
I just watched an internet photo essay about famous blacks in America. Why wasn't Oprah or Louis Armstrong or Billie Holiday in there? There were only a handful of people and most were more white-looking than black. African-Americans look as much white as they do black anyway. Go back a few generations for anybody and the ancestors don't look much like the person standing here now. I'm looking at a book: Tales of the Mysterious and Macabre. So many books and so little time to read. I skip from one to another and often don't finish one until weeks later.
02/03 Direct Link
Brought a red rose but didn't take it out of the car. Wasn't sure about the custom. Had a scarf in case I was supposed to cover my head. Women couldn't go into the temple. There is not a good enough reason to not find joy every day? A little bit. He was seventeen today. His burial day. He wrote that this world isn't for him. He was heartbroken over a romance. This is a schizophrenic life with sun shining and fat tears. For two days I was in denial. His parents may be for the rest of their lives.
02/04 Direct Link
How does a person learn to write that the sea sang rather than chanted? You find all kinds of great lines by flipping open a book. I'll try another book and I have to copy exactly what my eyes see: that he had the coronet in his hands. Not very interesting unless it means that a man was molesting a Daughter of Charity. You'd have to be Catholic and at least 45 years old to understand. These are the word games you play when you find yourself sitting and staring at a blank Microsoft Word page. I'm tired now. Goodnight.
02/05 Direct Link
If this is to show our day-to-day stuff---well---it's not very possible. I think we're all hiding. This is like an invasion of privacy. Writing anything is an invasion. No, it's not the writing, it's the reading that's an invasion. And listening to someone speak is an invasion of privacy. Because maybe things slip out that ought not. Ought is a word that I've not used before. Before is a word that ought not be used at the end of a sentence. Oughtn't I button up my lip and put myself to bed because it's that time of night
02/06 Direct Link
Life moves on. Had a call from someone I dated over 20 years ago. There's a dog outside barking. Did the same thing yesterday. Did a headstand today. Tired tonight. Need to get tax info together. Need to transfer video of niece onto a CD. A lot of small things pile up. Who's going to take care of the frog when I go to Hawaii. He'll only eat his pellet if you tap at the top and then blow the pellet around. He has seizures and gasps for air sometimes. He's old. Here comes the dog again. Suburban not country.
02/07 Direct Link
If I could write the way my relatives speak I'd have a funny story but get sued. That's the trouble with putting anything down on paper or on the internet. Friends, too, would want to sue. There's always somebody fighting and there are people that we just don't like for no good reason. Sometimes someone has eyes that are too close together or you can't stand how one tooth overlaps another. I tend to have soft feelings for people until they start trying to form a little social clan with me in it and then I turn, hiss, and run.
02/08 Direct Link
woman alongside of me was looking for a sympathy card. Another teenager. She was the teacher. He was in a car accident. She knew several who died young and said one committed suicide over a girl like the boy I was mourning. I thought young people were resilient. Why would a handsome, intelligent young man end his life over a girl? I didn't think guys were ever serious over a girl. Instead of ending a life why not get a job to fund a trip to Tahiti or pursue one thing that was a dream but seemed out of reach?
02/09 Direct Link
Came up to the country. The female Akita showed up for biscuits. I call the male Pooh Bear now because he marks my property as his territory in a pretty rude way. It's sad to be here because of memories of the ex. Once I'm here a while I'm better but for now I'm always back and forth so there's the constant reawakening of the sadness. This is why people move to escape memories. I used to do that but won't anymore. When my son was young I'd move every year to escape any silly memory of any silly guy.
02/10 Direct Link
I'm three hours away from work yet I connect to the office computer and forward calls to my cell phone. In a few hours I'll drive in. Someone else will take the calls then. Here I have a mouse in the house. Need a gun because of the remote area and wild animals. Cannot understand gun control. In the city I had a break-in and with no gun what would a person do? Dreamed of my childhood friend who is dead. Showed her I could breathe my stomach into a shape like a Foster Freeze ice cream with high swirls.
02/11 Direct Link
Had a long day. Odd how just a few words can be tiring. Next month definitely will be a break from this so I can get every little bit of time. get out and walk or something. Too much computer stuff and it all adds up. never used to have time to sit years ago. Too much sitting. getting ridiculous. Most of the time at the computer I sit on my feet—my heels---because I have trouble sitting like a normal person. Crosslegged also works. don't think bodies were designed to sit with legs hanging down from a chair.
02/12 Direct Link
Cannot get to bed at a normal time because there just isn't enough time in a day. Too much to do on the computer. The toilet runs so I just had to go stop it. Dreamed last night about animal hides. Fur. One on top turned out to be an animal still breathing. Underneath was a lot of fur and some blood. I was astonished to find life there and was going to try to save it. Had a facial today before work to try to save my face. Don't like the new deep lines under my eyes. Vanity. Verite.
02/13 Direct Link
I woke up with a dream. a young girl wanted to stay with me instead of her family at a vacation retreat. told her she didn't know me but she remembered me from an earlier retreat. I think she remembered me and my dog or frog or some pet. had my frog there and discovered that he had a tadpole baby and they were out of water waiting to be put in the pool. what about the chlorine? I've been thinking today about how my last marriage started out based on humor and roaring laughter and ended in extreme grief.
02/14 Direct Link
I'm out of time and need sleep and hardly had time to eat today. my eyes are burning and my butt hurts from sitting and my stomach just growled and I have a slight headache but in good spirits and happy because I've been downloading old photos onto a family website. photos of people I only knew as elderly. childhood and early adult photos are astonishingly beautiful. We never imagine changing so dramatically but it happens to everyone. Even with facelifts you won't ever be young again. If you have a good one you'll look like a sweet older person.
02/15 Direct Link
Have lost interest in writing. Would rather have time for long walks. Ate a Starbucks white cupcake. Has to be unhealthy. Cold. Eyes itch. You can hardly read Fanny's handwriting. Why was she always rushed? She'd say Bill is baking a lemon pie or Virgil and Willie just drove up. It was like she used others as excuses for ending the note. She'd sign your auntie or your mother plus she'd write her name but it looked like chicken scratch. She probably would be answering a note to her and felt forced to write. I like the Oklahoma flood note
02/16 Direct Link
Let's see. Rushed around. After sleeping in. Yoga. Post office. Couple phone calls. Drove 3 hours. Country. No dogs came. Oh, but earlier had to put more old photos and postcards on the website. The past is always more interesting to me than the present or future. When I walk my body must be slanting backward as a clue to my personality or lack thereof. Listen to talk radio. I don't say much about current events. They are either ghastly or silly. I love liberals and I love conservatives. I love yogis and I love vodouissants. It's all about balance.
02/17 Direct Link
Had to run off from the country. Meant to stay another day but snow came down. I ran around and packed up and left without rinsing out the tub. Had taken an oatmeal bath. Hope it doesn't stain. Got so cold there. Should get the fireplace checked and cleaned so I can use it. Should get the black stove thing fixed. Heard an animal sound during the night but was too tired to look out the window. I imagined it was like my deceased dog's yap. checked in the morning in case there was a little dog lost shivering scared
02/18 Direct Link
Hadn't been able to figure out why I'm still not able to shake the memory of my ex until watching Castaway. It's like he was a Wilson. the scene with Wilson floating away while Tom Hanks is screaming for him puts my problem into perspective. Very powerful and I'm not kidding. It goes to show that we can become attached to just about anything. In Tom Hank's case it was a volleyball or some kind of ball, but it could be a dog, a statue, or a man. My ex didn't have to do a thing for me to attach
02/19 Direct Link
Why did I start this month? I am so stressed and way out of time. I'm back to having to stay up until 3:00 a.m. to get everything done and I'm still never caught up. I'm also losing short-term memory like crazy. I knew I had an appointment for a facial. Expensive, pre-paid, part of a series. But I woke up in the morning thinking I only had to answer calls for work and then have free time. It's more stressful to try to get away for a vacation. It doesn't seem worth it. Already this next week is haywire.
02/20 Direct Link
He came over and was in my room off the kitchen and wondered why I still had the plastic on my lampshade. It had dead mosquitos and fruitflies trapped underneath the plastic inside the shade. Mom won't remember but our lampshades in the front room had plastic coverings, too. We thought you were supposed to leave it on to protect the shade. I told mom we weren't supposed to leave the plastic on. we eventually took it off. I was embarrassed and that's why I still remember, but mom would say I'm making it up. I was twelve years old.
02/21 Direct Link
Can only write while squinting. My eyes have computer blur. Seems like damage. Good things do happen. Had things to write about but since I'm losing short term memory I can't remember what. Have to go light a candle for my great grandmother. Saw one that had her name on it so here it is. The label's in French. 3rd act. Scene 9. Les memes, Fanny. The same? Les memes what? can't remember how to spell. Les memes choises. C'est le meme. Maybe when I retire I'll come back to this site. I'm just wasting space. always rushed or tired.
02/22 Direct Link
Dad is planning to buy it. mom starts acting giddy. I tell her to be normal and not irritate dad because I don't want him to change his mind. We look on the side of the building. looks like there's burnt old stuff—a table—and see a person burning old stuff. He falls and is knocked out. We rush to him and keep nudging and saying to wake up. He revives. He has no real head a deformity or something. It's like where the head should be is rough wood. think he covers that to be seen in public.
02/23 Direct Link
Our views are based on personal experience, what we see, hear, read, what we can or cannot understand. It is great that we can speak our minds, agree to disagree. I think we are all hoping to find absolute truth. Some fight for it out of indignation and desperation, some fall silent for the same reasons. My favorite quote from an unknown author: "You can never know everything and part of what you know is always wrong. Perhaps, even the most important part. A portion of wisdom lies in knowing this. A portion of courage lies in going on anyway."
02/24 Direct Link
This has to count for today even though the day is only a few hours old. it's the middle of the night or early morning whichever way you want to look at it. There'll be no time later because of driving flying driving and getting situated. It's too hard to figure out what to take and what to have for reading material and whether or not I need bottled water. Only 73 words and I'm too tired to figure out what to say. waiting to hear the train or the man who puts newspapers into the stand at the corner.
02/25 Direct Link
I met a guide/shaman/teacher/eccentric who told me about an African drum and dance workshop. I just came from performing with a group of drummers? Yes, I was a drummer. I also did Congolese dance and was the only one in a song workshop...a teacher who didn't speak English and me. Wish I could remember the songs but they were in some African dialect. The shaman is outside sleeping in my car. I'm probably off my rocker. He seemed like a walking encyclopedia. Hadn't owned a car since 1989. Don't think he has a home. had a ponytail down his back.
02/26 Direct Link
Don't know how this week will be with these yoga classes. Only vegetarian food here and the teacher wants me to throw out my garlic mashed potatoes from the health food store. Do I sneak and eat or do I follow the rules? I just don't know. I told him that I'm only a sometime vegetarian because most of the stuff has too much ocylic acid. Don't know how to spell it but it causes my kidney stones. What the heck is wrong with garlic. I was raised on it. Have to get up at 6:00 a.m. for pranayama. Good-night.
02/27 Direct Link
uncomfortable booth. The wind has been howling for days. Rain off and on. Didn't need my sun block. This is my last month on this site for a while. Too much time on a computer is ruinous. People here want to go in the hot tub naked. I was the only one who said that's nasty. I don't want to see naked people. I said I guess I just have to leave my eyeglasses off. Three yoga classes a day doesn't leave time to do much else anyway. I'm sounding negative but it's great to have all of these classes.
02/28 Direct Link
Yeahhh! I made it to the end of the month! Been eating huge vegetarian meals everyday with second helpings. Dessert was some kind of berry thing that was delicious. It all burns off with the yoga and tomorrow we are going to a beach. Maybe I'll go snorkeling. My skin is just so white that the veins show through. In Victorian times it would be in vogue but now it's just disgusting. Did they really paint little blue veins below their collarbones? I'm not supposed to be on a computer here but how else would I finish off the month?