Oh hell. back again. Eating barbecued chicken and chocolate melted over french bread. Haven’t been able to be logical. The heart just doesn’t go where you point and try to fix it. It’s like sticking a piece of paper to the wall with water. seems to work for a while then it just falls off. Been snapping at the nice man. can only pretend to be normal for about three months and then you start cracking. You don’t want to hurt feelings. keep warning that you’ve got one foot in the door. Hard to understand how people manage long-term entanglements.

This life is like a dream. I do think we can keep shifting it. In spite of chemical imbalance. Other turbulence. Unforeseen events. I started off the new year hypersensitive even though I had told myself to have fun no matter what. The firecrackers threw me. I have men coming out of my ears. And have had a cold for two months. I love the dance, drum, and singing classes. And tai chi. I am missing nothing this time around in life. I fit it all in. Maybe some day I’ll ride horses again. And paint. Janet, maybe I’ll iceskate.

My present boyfriend will dump me. I don’t appreciate him. I am honest with him. He is too honest with me. He didn’t care for the way I looked in the low-cut top. Said the high-neck one was more tasteful. Pretty embarrassing. I thought maybe I could wear the other. Well, we all have our flaws. Mine could be fixed by a surgeon but what if he makes me worse? So when does honesty become cruel? We are honest back and forth and smile and then I freak out. I’d join the Peace Corps but the thought makes me tired.

Stayed in my cozy robe until three p.m. Feel good after talking with a friend. The man who’s tugged on my heart and dumped me has resurfaced. the stories are wonderful. And he loves me. And he tried pulling me back into that tidal wave. I read too many fairytales when I was little. It is fine to have women in every port. My grandfather lost his eye to a venereal disease. The glass one was like a blue marble. I wonder if he had to take it out to clean it. could it crack in there in the socket?

So many classes in one day. Then pizza. How do people not have things to do and how do women not find men? This must be a whirlwind year. Year of the juggler. Which reminds me there is that Chinese New Year celebration thing coming up. Always something coming up. Weird how my drum buddy ended up knowing my other boyfriend. There are connections when you least expect. This is why it is important to be honest. You can be on the other side of the world and hook up with someone who was the roommate of you boyfriend’s brother.

The kalimba is a beautiful instrument. Cried in the car on the way home. Don’t know if it was because of the beauty, or the privilege to be a part of the class, or that not many seem interested since there were only three plus teacher, or whether I just miss that man I fell for who played me but claims he loves me yet doesn’t call when he says he’s going to. Dreamed of an old con man who used my car to take his hidden girlfriend to Los Angeles and used my money to take her to Hawaii.

I was the only kalimba student tonight. It is actually called a likembe in the Congo and kalimba in Kenya. You can’t find any here that are like the ones from the Congo. He said next time he comes he’ll sell me one. My ngoma is in Santa Cruz being customized. It was too tall and the head will be stretched and will have ropes. I’ll need twenty years of health to learn all that I want to learn. When you’re young there’s not enough time or money. But it’s never too late to have worlds open up to you.

Well, he was going to come by to pick up his movie but must have forgotten or got sidetracked. It’s not easy to keep up with this writing stuff. Hard to know what to say. Always open my big mouth and say too much. Talked sex with a man before a class tonight. asked if I was any good and I said oh no you need to find someone 40 or younger. had an honest discussion. sad to overhear that someone else is splitting from his wife. had someone young on the side. probably only works as a part-time thing.

Something weird is happening. I have three boyfriends. I don’t sleep with them all. I get love letters. I even had a women approach me to give me the card of a gentleman who saw me at the post office. This is really weird. I am old. Maybe it has something to do with learning African songs and playing the ngoma. It’s like it’s sending off some odd vibe. a scent. Pheramone. I’m supposed to perform in a chuch in a few weeks. Sing, play the drum. What bus did I get off of? Where am I? Am I dreaming?

The car was filled. Pillows, clothes, junk, all for the country. It is too far to drive. Hard time letting go of all past things. The one who stole my heart called. Letters, calls. Told him I would plan a trip to go see him. It is a city I love that I’ve gone to several times. I rent an apartment for a month. I walk all day, buy shoes. The other one would probably be mad. I look awful. Power must have gone off up here because all the food in the freezer and refrigerator is ruined. Canned soup.

Brought back the little dead bird that wouldn’t revive. Must have broken his neck crashing into the window. Tried pressing on his heart and blowing into his beak. Did this for a long time but he stayed limp. So delicate. Buried him here outside the door. You really don’t want to eat chicken when you hold a tiny thing like this in your hands. One second to the next. You never know. Just like when the stray dogs came and I wondered if I’d get attacked. was on the husquvarna thing and just revved the motor and waved them off.

Don’t waste your mouth here going on about yourself all the time. You set yourself up for being criticized as being self-absorbed. Which you are. Self-absorbed. Like an image made out of toilet tissue saturated with water slowly drying out falling apart crumbling fading into the earth until there’s nothing left not even a memory ok time to get going this is a crazy day yoga workshop then have to go listen to the blues then have company and hope the dog doesn’t crap all over while I’m gone oh jessssuus only half an hour and have to be out

Yoga workshop. Tail end of family dinner. Company. Too much going on through the month. Guy friends. Love letters. Travel. Classes. Fought with the silver man. Told him why do you have to do that there? He was peeing. Got combative so I backed down. Didn’t want him to vandalize my car. Someone later said are you sure you are not nostalgic about your former work? Everyone seems to think I should be holding on. I am so done. Can’t stand to go by there. Silver man wraps it up. My memories. Fighting with guys peeing crapping in the entrance.

Missed tai chi practice because of company. Slept until noon. What else? The weeks go too fast. Think I’ll have to quit the site again after this month. Too much travel coming up. Hardly have time to get to a grocery store. Need eggs. My favorite breakfast is french toast made with cinnamon bread with raspberries, avocados, whipped cream, ooh and brandied cherries. Like decaf in that coffee press thing. Can’t remember what it’s called. My kidneys have been normal. It is like a new life to have normal kidneys. Thanks to Uriflow and Kidney Cleanse. Unbelieveable. Amazing. Incredible. Life.

Missed tai chi practice because of company. Slept until noon. What else? The weeks go too fast. Think I’ll have to quit the site again after this month. Too much travel coming up. Hardly have time to get to a grocery store. Need eggs. My favorite breakfast is french toast made with cinnamon bread with raspberries, avocados, whipped cream, ooh and brandied cherries. Like decaf in that coffee press thing. Can’t remember what it’s called. My kidneys have been normal. It is like a new life to have normal kidneys. Thanks to Uriflow and Kidney Cleanse. Unbelieveable. Amazing. Incredible. Life.

Nervous today and can’t figure out why. Is it:? Boyfriends, too many classes, too much wine, sorting through photos, clearing things to take to the country, that drum performance for the church, the trip with the blues band, family guilt, wanting to go to Paris, money, odd sleep/wake hours. I hope there’s not an earthquake coming or a hurricane, or a tidal wave. Maybe it is my vitamins. Taking something now that’s supposed to help thinning hair. Even my eyebrows are thinning. Where did the hair on my arms go? Only see one tiny hair coming out of a mole.

Don’t know how I’ll play the drum and sing in front of all those church people. As a kid I always quit everything before the show. I have to force myself to do this. It is hard when you’re half senile and your mind wanders. Can’t even copy and paste right on this site. Double entries and the real one that didn’t get on was a positive one about me loving the dance class and life and all stuff like that. Freezing here in the country but the dog likes the garage and did a happy dance running in circles.

Have two young men on my mind who were thrown in jail for not having papers. I think they were trying to stay and not go back to the Congo. amazing men. would have to see them dance to understand. Yet….here they are with no way to really support themselves and few people care. How did I get so lucky and so privileged to be their student? Passion is a funny thing. Sometimes it saves you, sometimes it is a downfall. I adore crazy passionate people. Money should appear if you can jump six feet and awe with your talent.

Juggling. Tai chi slipping. Tired tonight. Keep censoring. Thinking of the man who is so far away. Thinking of the man who is always kind even when he is being too honest. I get snappy. Thought I could change after the last marriage that I botched badly. So much in life is brainwashing. Don’t think marriage is natural. So much in life is invention. Ah. Ah. Yeo. Yeo. Yeo. Ah. Too hot. Too tired. So much to say but it flits around in my head. And I discount it. We don’t need people pulling us down. Jump down turn around.

Wanting sleep. No time to fit everything. Some day I will write and paint again. For now I dance, sing, and learn to drum. Have to organize three performance songs and rhythms. have to go with a band to another city. That’s something else entirely. How did I get surrounded by musicians? Have to get act together and pack. No reason to not have fun. Learning to not stress and not take anything too seriously. Learning to approach acquaintances to wish them happy new year. Shyness is selfish. only thinking of how you feel and not how the other feels.

When did I turn into a man? And how did it happen? Example. I would be very happy to get to keep three boyfriends. They live in different cities. We could all be happy since we don’t have to spend that much time before saying goodbye. No time for boredom. if it does set in then you get to run off and miss the person the next day. I know it’s terrible. when one seemed to get too attached I wondered how long he would live. I thought that maybe I could really love him for a year or two.

All my time is in classes. Today tai chi, singing, dance. Tomorrow yoga, drum. In between I clean up after the dog, do laundry. Have to straighten up the condo. Cluttered again. No space in this tiny place. Taped songs tonight. Taped drum stuff. Tried to write out rhythms. Saw article on the internet about all the deaths in the Congo within the last ten years. All the people I have met from there are astonishing. I learn traditional songs and dances. I love a u-tube tape of a church gathering in Uganda with women singing and men playing kalimbas.

Drum practice, drum class, dog crapped all over and stepped in it, drum buddy had to get home, full day. Had a message from the man I can’t get over and had a message from a friend who almost had an affair. Conversations today about the sad state of the world with people dying by the millions and about poverty and ridiculous wealth. I had a business. Had to move out of that city an hour away. Have to use the freeway to go to dance class, drum class, yoga. Tai chi is here. Need the freeway for Whole Foods.

The dog is now on another drug. What people take for Parkinson’s. Supposedly it might help his brain function. He might greet me some day. He might learn where to crap. Carp eh. Renal no won god. Not easy to make other words out of these words. Sword. Ton. Wonder what would happen if I took his pills? Odd how you can alter brain function. My skin is too sensitive. It doesn’t like seams in clothing to touch the legs. The veins want to pop. Finally got a stand for my conga. What a difference in sound. Freezing cold today.

Raining most of the day. Good thing I found out that I almost fell for a you won a free trip scam. Cleaning. Packing. Found out that those young guys couldn’t have been picked up and jailed just for not having proper visas. Has to be more to the story. I fall for anything and have to really watch it. These last entries will be very forced. Nothing to say. Company coming. Trip coming. Still need eggs, ear plugs, nail polish remover, decaf coffee, tape for the video camera. Got the printer working. Need to bath the dog. Finish cleaning.

found out there have been break-ins in this little complex. Cars, carport storage. The neighbor was able to pull his motorcycle off the back of a truck as it was driving away. All since the new year. here I’ve been thinking how great it is to live in an area of a yuppie suburb that would be considered the projects of this city. And now it starts. disappointing. I hope it is an outsider and not people living here. Now that I think of it, that hose down the block did look like mine. I’d better check my carport storage.

Got company downstairs have to write quickly keep meeting men worried about friend who went to cuba and phone now says temporarily out of service he’s downstairs waiting for me to watch a movie and eat popcorn can’t really stand being with someone for too long like freedom only want to dance sing and play drum heard him cough now said I was checking emails have to hurry ate too much drank wine loved my dance class earlier love the african people dog is not being hospitable crapping peeing he needs to be an outdoor dog with a dog house

Have company. Rushing. No alone time. Write and run. He thinks the dog has got to go. Think I’m more comfortable with the dog. So what if he has an elimination problem. He can’t help it. I think he was extremely abused. Anyway the new meds might make him better. He peeked into the refrigerator like a normal dog would do. He is so much better after a year. He smells now like a normal dog. He can keep his balance. He’s a sweet dog and gentle. Don’t know what else to say. Need filler. Killer. Stiller. Chiller. Diller. 100

Classes. Company. Dog to dog hotel. People to people hotel. No writing time. Plane tomorrow. Bringing laptop but hardly any clothes. Will miss drum class. New drum ready next week. Learned new tai chi moves. Lost wallet but young man brought it to me. Wow. Wanted to give him money but when I took it out of the wallet he was gone and I couldn’t find him. Amazing that he saved me. I would have had no driver’s license or credit card. See there are good people in the world so we shouldn’t be cynics. He was Hispanic and handsome.

Full from barbecued ribs. Another city. Traveling is tiring. Don’t get excited about some of the stuff others are awed about. Know I’m spoiled. I’d have booked a hotel in the center of the area instead of driving to a less expensive place. Musicians, though, have to watch the expense unless they are mainstream and have made it. Funny how talent can be appreciated but not necessarily compensated. Great people. Only have my cell phone camera. Have to sleep. Full days following. Think I probably have ancestors with roots here. Can’t keep up with writing, keeping track, organizing. Need simple.

Another city. Surrounded by musicians. No time. Squeezing this in. No alone time. He’s on the phone. Freezing weather. High heels. Old cover songs. Found a cd by Big Bill Broonzy. Too much food. He’s almost off the phone. Can’t think or write. Neon signs. Big ass beer. Top ten. Fun trip. Band sounded good. Who was third second and first. Nope gave it to some young kid. Challenge. Link. Take you there. Venue. Bigger bands. Judges. Far and away way better. Last night different judges. Nine judges. Score. Played ass off. Band real tight. Like anything else. Politics involved.