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It's the first of February. I start February with full of happiness. People told me that I look healthier, happier and nicer. I am glad to hear that I changed in a good way. I always had negative mind, and I looked like I had no hope, which was horrible. However, now I am happy, and I am satisfied with my life. There will be a lot of harder work in the future, but I believe that I will be fine. I am so excited for my future, and I am ready to step another big changes of my life.
My anger is been ridiculously bad these days. I get mad, and I get upset easily at everything, too. It's horrible, and I want to be changed. I think because right now, I am about to step another big change of my life, and it makes me very stressed out, and sometimes I can't deal with it. I know that I will find a way to get out, and everything will be alright, but just right now this moment, I am not very happy with myself. I want this time to be over, and I want to work on this.
I have a lot of problem with control my self, and anger. One day, I got mad at my friend for some ridiculous reason, and I ignored him. He told me that I don't open my mind when I'm angry at someone and that is very true. I tried to talk to someone when I have problem, but it's hard for me to change my personal problem which I had it for whole my life. I am actually glad that he told me that because I really need to know what I have to work on, and I thank him.
I love collecting crystals. It gives the positive energy to humans' body. Today, I went to Flagstaff to get some stuff that I needed. There are so many awesome stores I love. I went to this store that sells a lot of crystals. I bought one for myself which gives peacefulness and happiness. Also, I bought one for my friend. Whenever I get new crystals, I meditate with it. Some people think I am weird, and they believe that there is no change between meditate with crystal and with out. However, I believe there is a big change between them.
The sentence, I love you, is very powerful, but when it really means, it's sweet, and it melts my heart like a chocolate in my mouth. I don't say "I love you"easily. Of course I say that to my family, and friends but when I am dating someone, I never say it if I don't mean it, but I love saying that. It's just so wonderful that person loves the other person. Also, I love hearing someone say they love me. That makes me happy and makes me think that I am not alone, and I'm important to someone.
I had the worst night yesterday. Grace and Kelsey borrow my cell phone, and accidentally they deleted all pictures in the phone. I've been collecting them since last year, and I really care about them, and those are very important to me. They didn't even tell me before I found that out, and when I asked them they said my phone started freaking out. They didn't say sorry, and I was very upset about it. I didn't yell at them because I knew I will be too mean to them, and that wouldn't be good. I'm really upset about it.
I really love yoga, especially meditating. It gives me a peace of mind, and after I do yoga, I feel more relax, and I feel like I become a better person. Also, after I start doing meditation, my concentration got longer, and I can focus on something very easily. Meditation helps me a lot. It made me have better and easier life. People don't believe me when I say that, but the fact is it really does to me. I am more calm, relax and happier. I will keep doing meditation, and hopefully I get positive energy for my body.
I hate to tell you this. I am sorry what happened, but you can not judge me. Don't tell me what to do. I understand you love me, and you both care about me so much, but I don't want you guys to judge me like that. This is my life, and I decide my own decision. There is no right you to talk to me like that. I want to be free. I don't want to feel like I am in a little box, so I can't move. I love you, but I hate you at the same time.
It's ridiculous. People don't look at the World with out money. Why money has to be so important in humans' lives, and why "successful"means be rich people. It's stupid, and not fare. People, who are very smart, but really poor, don't get to get great education. Going to University like Harvard, Yale or NYU doesn't mean they are great people and successes. Money can't be the reason why I study so hard. It can't be the why people work so hard. It's crazy how humans are like. It bothers me a lot when people want to make more money.
I had a very busy day today. I had meeting with Judge twice, and I had to finish all my stuff and get ready to go to New York for interview. I am so scared, and I don't know what to say. My dad keep calling me, and giving me pressure. My shoulders are so heavy, and my mind is full of sadness. I want this to be over. It's not only me. Most of seniors are having really hard time, but especially, I am having harder time than others. I really want my English to be better than now.
I wish I can be nice to people. I always put other people in a bad mode when I am in a bad mode. It is horrible, and I really want to work on this. I do not want my friends to hate me because of the bad side of mine. I don't want to put my boyfriend in a bad mode. I want to make people happy, but this is how I am. It's a bad habit, and I shouldn't continue this. I want to be a better, nicer person. I want people to like me but not hateful.
I gave early present to Robert for Valentine's Day. I love giving people presents more than I get it from them. It makes me feel so happy when I look at their face of expression. They smile and giving me hugs and kisses. For Robert, I made a heart box. I put chocolates, a beautiful crystal, which gives positive energy to people, pictures and letter in the box. I wanted to get something very meaningful for him. I love Robert, and I want to make him happy. I want to see him smile all the time then that's the happiness.
I keep telling myself to stop thinking about the future. I hate when I think about the future. I always get upset, and I never happy about my life. It's so annoying, and it's getting worse. I want to love myself not hate it. It just makes me cry when I think about graduation, and what I am going to do in my life. I have planed, but it never works out. I am always concerned about something, and it's not health. I just wish I can stop thinking, breathing, looking and feeling. I just don't want to dear anymore.
What happened to me? Why is my mind with full of sadness and hateful? I want to bring all my peace in my mind. All I want to be is happy and peaceful. I don't want to hate anyone, and I don't want to be upset. I worry about every single thing, and I think it's too much. I hate it so much, and I just want to disappear. I am so lonely. I want to be with my family. I want to be loved. I want to hold my mother's hands very tight and lay down on her legs
I'm sorry dad that I'm not a good daughter. I always make you worry about me. I had so many troubles in the past, and I regret. I was so young and stupid. I made your black hair to white, more wrinkles on your face. I made you old, and now I regret. I didn't know anything, but now I see. I feel it from your heart and I see it in your face. What have I done to you, and there is no excuse. You are old, and that makes me cry. I love you so much and forever.
My both eyes are open, but my mind. The door in my heart isn't open enough to let someone in. It's empty. I pretended to be not, but it's so empty. I want to build it up till it's full of love and happiness. I'm waiting, but I am not doing anything for it. I don't know how to open it, at least someone helps me. It was open before, but it's closing again. I want to be happy. I write the words of my mind. Each words, I put all my emotion. Look closer then maybe you can see.
There are lots of problems going on in my life right now, but I can't do anything but just calm my self down and wait what is going to happen. However, it makes me really upset that the fact I can't do anything. My friend told me to do meditate. Actually that is very true. I was too busy these days, so didn't have time to think about meditation. Maybe that's why I was mean to people and really upset. Meditation is like medicine for me. I should meditate to calm my self down, and grow peace of my mind.
It makes me very upset when I think about people in North Korea. We are all Korean, but why do we have to against each other? Why there is a big wall between us. People are dying in there because they don't eat right. Also, they are dying while they are sneaking in to South Korea. North Korea soldiers kill them right away, and they don't even care. I just don't understand how they can kill them like they step on ants or bugs. They are human, and their life is important. We're all same, and there is no better.
I talked to my brother this evening. He tried to speak English to me, but he didn't know what to say. He tried to explain that he was playing with his toys, but he didn't know the word, toy, in English. He's going to Canada next year, and I am so happy for him, but at the same time, I really worry about him. I know he'll do well, and he will be happy, but I am just really worried how my parents will be upset. They live for us, and it's very hard for me to seeing them upset.
Ahh. It was just a busy day. I supposed to leave six thirty today, but I went the place I supposed to meet with Ace Express around six fourty. Then they left with out me so I had to talk to Paul D,. I flet so stupid, but at the same time I was so happy to my sister. I havn't seen her for only two months, but I still missed her. Trip to new york is going to be awesome. I will have such a great time. I am thinking time went to so fast. It is so short
I am scared of people here. Oh well It's more like I dislike a lot of people here. People are so selfish. All day know is themselves, but others. My sister's "room-mate"was born in New York City, and she lives here. She doesn't know how to say thank you, and I am sorry, but she likes to hear Thank you and Sorry. What is this? Gosh. I have nothing to say about her. There is nothing special about her but I am sure she is very pretty looking person, but her inside is so ugly. It is so ridiculous.
Since I came to NYC, I saw a lot of things that makes me upset. There're cigarettes everywhere on the streets; there're trashes everywhere, too. I wanted to come to school in NYC because my sister is here, and want to stay with her. However, I really don't want to live in NYC. It's horrible. I want to live in somewhere around nature, and save the environment. I am from a big city in Korea, but not as big as NYC. Also, I live in Sedona for four years, so it seems so wrong when I look at the NYC.
I had a few interviews at the universities today. Before I talked to the person who will interview me, I was so nerves and scared. I was worry if I can't answer their question well, and I was scared if I don't get in the colleges I want to go. However, since I got in their office my voice wasn't shaking or anything. I was totally fine, and I was being myself. After I finished all my interviews, I felt so lighter, and I was thinking I can sleep well tonight. I never had the real interviews in my life.
I had a last appointment, which is basically visiting college, in school, F.I.T. F.I.T is the only art school I am applying. I really wanted to apply and get accepted in SVA, but I didn't try. The TOEFL score was way too high for me. I am so upset about my TOEFL score, and how it affects me. My grades are fine to get in, but TOEFL is too low. So they have to consider if I can really handle their school. I hate TOEFL so much. I lose so many opportunities because of this English test for international students.
Today is the last day in New York with my sister, Hyun-Ah. She is coming to AZ next week, but I still feel weird and sad that I have to say good bye to my sister. If I have a hope right now, I want to wish that I want to get in the PACE UNIVERSITY in New York, and get a place with my sister, get a job, and study hard. I really want to live with Hyun-Ah. It saves my parents' money, and I can stay with my sister, but I am worrying that I won't get in.
Finally, I'm back to Arizona. In a someway, I wanted to come back to this place, but on the other way, I really didn't want to. It's very nice to have a break from here, and go out to the city, but I don't think I would like to live in the city. The only reason why I want to go to NYC is because I can stay with my sister, also of course my college. However, I am scare if I really have to live in the big city like NY, but maybe a few years would be alright.
I had to write a paper for my english class. The topic was "This I believe." I have to talk about what I believe, and I could be anything. I wrote about that I believe animal rights and the earth first! When I was writing, my emotion was so sensitive, and I got really upset about people killing animals and distroy the nature. It's horrible what humans are doing to the earth and animals. Humans and animals can't communicate, and that doesn't mean we can do whatever we want to do to them. I am serious, and it should be.
Last night was the pull moon, so I dicide to maditate.I keep saying it but I love meditating. It brings me a peace of mind, and I am happier, and less stressed out after I do the meditation. Also, my concertration got longer than usuall, which is awesome. I promiss myself, whenever I get angry or upset, I won't let my anger out. I will just let it be and meditate, so I calm myself down. People saying that anger has to be out, but I don't believe it. That would ruin my day, and I know that for fact.
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