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God damn it I’m in a hole right now. Okay, maybe it’s not so deep and yes, of course, I slowly and painfully dug it for myself before jauntily walking in. But can I walk out? Can I fuck. That was six months ago and quitting my job felt good, but now I’m well and truly stuck. Show me something worthwhile to pursue, to spend five sevenths of my days on and I’ll bite on like a rabid pitbull quick as a flash. But for the moment I’ll watch, alternate between optimistic highs and despairing lows, watch those savings shrink.
So just cut to the chase my friend. What’s it gonna be? I’ve had enough of this wallowing and need to stretch my legs, feel the pressure and relief of energy well spent. But hey, I know I’m lucky, just frustrated with my indecision. My brother has had to cope with more and I should use this time I have to help him find something. And if I hadn’t met you, my akachan, where would I be then?
I should write these things earlier in the day, get some specifics down instead of rambling on vacuously about my current conundrum.
Too late to write anything good. Again. I think the city stinks; the crowds agitate my already unstable mood. But where to? Nature is good and true and the answer but I need to keep my options open right now. No point moving somewhere for a job I’m uncertain about, failing miserably and having to move again. Jesus, when did I lose it? School was alright, usual adolescent troubles, university ditto, just different. But hey, hang on a sec, losing interest in your course, just going for grades and then still applying for a related job? Idiot.
Trust your gut.
Capa, Bischof, Eugene-Smith, Salgado how do they do it? Fantastic pictures guys, a good job well done. Personal sacrifice and endangerment just to capture moments on film for the rest of us to learn from and be inspired by. I must take more pictures. Not that I’m planning to haunt any war zones with my 35mm, there’s enough crazy or sorrowful stuff in my own country to document.
Bischof’s masterfully composed shot of Meiji Temple complete with Shinto monks is my current wallpaper. Just what I need at the moment. Appreciation of the simple things. A reminder to stay calm.
Over-informative movie trailers are a pain in the ass and they seem to be getting more and more common. Yes, by all means, please give me a flavour of the film to tempt me but I don’t want to see the most pivotal and exciting scenes so that all the mystery has gone when I eventually see the film. Feature films normally feel like dot-to-dot puzzles these days… ‘ah, so this must happen soon and then that, yes, you see, just as I thought’ …what a waste of time. So, that’s it, enough is enough, no more trailers for me.
And the results are… (let the tension build for a couple of weeks and then reveal)… In second place: The Brawling Right Wing Racist and in first place: The Corrupt Guy With Plenty Of Experience. So ends the dilemma of the French public, yet another example of how quickly and easily this world can be screwed up. But I guess we shouldn’t be so hard on them, thousands of my countrymen in The North voted for a racist in their local election this week. And who was it last year? The Austrian Dude With Hard-line Ideas?
Mankind’s descent continues unabated…
Younger brother, why won’t you let me in on your stories? You know you can tell me what you’re thinking about don’t you? It was a nice day, I thought the rain I could hear from my bed was going to limit us but thankfully it passed. What was in the bag though? So heavy, more than just clothes and shoes, I’m still curious. London looked much nicer from tens of metres up in the air and the meal was delicious, I must thank my favourite chef again, get her something great for her birthday in a couple of weeks!
Walked in to the city, walked around, got pissed off, bought another novel to try and avoid thinking continuously about what job I should take on. Also got a free ride home, without even trying. The bus conductor must have thought I was with that group of Italian tourists who all had travel cards. She breezed up the aisle, I was staring out the window and by the time I noticed she was there, she was gone.
Fuck. How boring. Must do more. Get a job that isn’t so bad; ignore the bureaucracy and the suffocating over emphasis on money.
How many days did I spend in those woods? Whole days just wandering through and climbing up the trees, building dens and playing around. Then there was the ’87 hurricane. Dozens of trees fell, blocking the paths, creating new routes and hiding places. I’m sure I didn’t go home for lunch. If it was reasonable weather I’d go out after breakfast and only return for dinner or when darkness came. Strange that my strongest memory of climbing trees is when I got to the top of the ones at the bottom of the garden and only then noticed the ants…
Jesus Christ, another train crash, six more people die completely avoidable deaths. Just imagine it. You’re on the train leaving London at midday on a Friday, maybe leaving work early for a long weekend away and then the carriage that you're sitting in jumps off the tracks and careens over a platform. Dozens injured and six unlucky souls are no more. And the people who were standing on the platform – patiently waiting for a train which arrives in the form of a carriage-sized clothes line. Sort it out you idiots, there are no excuses. How pointless. How completely, utterly pointless.
Some people just don’t get it, I guess. They’re more concerned with driving down the Kings Road in their flash cars than doing anything remotely worthwhile. Oh, look at me! Aren’t I just fantastic? Well, no, actually you aren’t. You’re holding us back, not taking us forward.
Yesterday’s death toll has gone up to seven and the authorities are investigating the possibility that a cracked rail was the cause of the tragedy. Five more people are in serious danger of being added to that number. But what can you do? I, for one, can’t decide not to take the train.
So, what can we do where the profit margin isn’t the be all and end all? I can see where teachers, firemen, policemen, medical professionals and anyone else serving the community gets their motivation from but I can’t really see myself in any of those roles. Maybe there is some sort of support role that I could get into in one of those service areas, I don’t know. They all require quite a commitment but then I guess that’s the only way to ever get any genuine satisfaction or motivation - to make a long-term commitment to something quite demanding.
Sorry, no words today. I’m in a meeting. I’m on the other line. I’m on leave today. I’m out of the office and not expected back until late this afternoon. I’m the driver that’s parked his vehicle here but I’m making a delivery. I’m not feeling too good so I think we should arrange another time. You can leave a message. You can ask me to call you back. You can clamp me if you’re feeling particularly cruel. You can call the whole thing off and never call again. Wait, hang on, who were you after? Oh, I see, sorry.
You thought it was Wednesday already and I wasn’t sure but suspected it was only Tuesday. How long do we have left now? Just two more weeks, thankfully.
I wish my moods would stabilise, I keep flipping from manic depression to feely free and content. As a result, my energy just disappears. The years of knowing that the school year would end, that another academic term would begin and that progress was being made, those years are over. I can’t find any ambition at the moment. That’s what I need, something to aim for, to anticipate, to reach out for.
Congratulations Real Madrid, European Champions once more. For once the final was a good match, Zidane volleying the winner from the edge of the box in style. My own cause for celebration was slightly less significant, but discovering that (contrary to what I had thought) the headphone socket on the TV does actually work, should stop Y from getting annoyed with the sound of the football. Ah, the poor Germans, serves them right for singing Three Lions to the English teams that they scraped through against. Anyway, roll on the big one. Japan here we come. Deibbido Bekkamu desu… GOAL!
It’s been a nice warm and sunny day for the first time in a while, but I still have to help Y with her project. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to help but it’s becoming so draining now. I was always an early worker, preferring to get some sleep and get up at a descent time, so, of course, she likes to work until 1am and pay for it the next day. My brain dies at 10pm. It’s like clockwork and I can’t think about anything complicated after that time. What time is it? 11:37pm? I rest my case.
Bought Y’s birthday present today after much deliberation. I hope she likes it, I think I did alright considering by normal aversion to all things shopping related. I can’t imagine what sort of figure I cut – a twenty four year old guy with about a week’s worth of stubble wandering the lady’s fashion departments. She was home before me but I just about managed to smuggle the bag in to the flat without her noticing.
My brain is empty, I have nothing to write. Not studying or working for a long time does strange things to your mind and body.
I had some intense dreams last night. I was living with dozens of my friends from school or university and the place we were living in was a run down latticework of beams. So we had to eat and sleep on these concrete beams that were about a foot wide and everyone had to clamber over everyone else to get to their space. I had built some contraption to give me extra space to leave my things on but it was held together with cutlery and had started to fall apart. I remember sitting there, frantically trying to save it…
I had gone to the pub and ordered two pints when the bar man demanded nine pounds or thereabouts. Next thing I know, Dan and Andy arrive and act as though we saw each other only yesterday. We spread around the pub as other friends arrive and I’m playing snooker very badly with Dan on a tiny table. The table starts to sink and then water is everywhere and everyone has left. I find a corridor I didn’t notice before, take my trainers off as requested and I’m in some theme park with a fake beach trying to find everyone…
Okay, I know writing about my dreams can get very dull, but I’m not doing a great deal at the moment. Things should improve when Y’s project is finished, but then I had months to sort myself out even before she started working so much and I started helping her out. Still got to write her card, must do that before I’m too knackered tonight otherwise I’ll probably cock up something as simple as that. Looking on the bright side, summer is on the way, watching the World Cup will break my current low patch and then? Must do better.
Happy Birthday Y’ chan! Ah… you’re still young, plenty of time left to do whatever you want with. Stay here, okay? You’re free, I’m free and we have some good options to choose from. Me, I’m all for keeping it simple, learning something and having a good time whilst knowing my limits. You’ll look great in your new top (why haven’t you tried it on yet?) and you can make some kawaii packages when you have more time to spare. So, again, omedetoi, I had a good time today, hope you did as well, the restaurant was good. Daiisuke ne!
An interesting experiment about inequality and power just finished on TV. Artificial environment with guards and prisoners becomes a social commune where all are free but then into the power void steps someone that wants to make the system even more unequal than it was in the first place. Thing is, they didn’t give the equal system a chance. It still needed organisation and coordination. I guess I would have been fairly passive if I was there, but I hope I would have stepped forward when things started to deteriorate. People always think in extremes, flying past the middle ground.
Hah! How stupid and arrogant can footballers get? Roy Keane (a fantastic player – I’ll give him that much) has a go at his manager and will now miss the chance that only comes round every four years; the chance to play in what must be the most watched international sporting event after the Olympics – The World Cup. Now, I know he gets a couple of million quid a year and his mentor, Alex Ferguson, has been successful whilst being an arrogant, hard-headed so and so, but come on Roy! Get your head out of your own arse and just play.
Tired, tired, tired. I deteriorate pretty rapidly if I have a few late nights in a row, like I have for the past three or four days. Just gotta survive until Monday though, Y can hand in her project and I won’t have to think about marketing anymore. And then, what? Who knows…
I need to get some exercise as well. I’ve never been much of a runner, preferring to cycle or swim for exercise, but maybe the convenience of running has a lot going for it. Just need a new pair of trainers and then I’m off and away.
I wish I would stop dreaming about my former jobs. It’s always a twilight world combination of my two previous companies and I’m either sitting at my desk not knowing what the hell I ought to be doing or I’m walking into a room full of my colleagues that I haven’t seen in a while and everyone is all friendly and cheerful whilst I’m hating being there at all. I guess they might not stop until I get a new job, but they don’t do much to help my psychological state. I need something interesting to do, no engineering please…
Y, the deadline is tomorrow I know, but a deadline means the time you must have finished by, it does not mean the time you have to work until. We planned the project well enough, we prepared well and did some work… SO WE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE KILLING OURSELVES LIKE THIS AT THE LAST MINUTE. Give me a break. I think this sort of thing is what has screwed me up. Working hard on things that aren’t so meaningful and then realising, once in the real world, that it was just going to go on and on like that.
It’s done at last. Yes, we were up until 5.30am printing and making last minute additions, which we continued at 9.30am, but I can start to do other things now. Like sleeping. Got a call from some agent I sent my CV to, asking if I’m interested in a graduate position in insurance brokering. Doesn’t sound like a particularly wise move to me. I give up engineering due to lack of motivation and then I send my CV to a company that deals with insurance jobs? What was I thinking?
Okay, my eyes are starting to throb, must sleep now.
Unbelievable. What a stupid girl… We go to Kinko’s and ask for a report to be bound. Yes, with that smart wire ring binder please. Then she moves her hulking mass towards the back and starts to bind. But wait, why’s it taking her so long? Why is she trying to put all of her weight on the lever of that machine? Why is she crudely forcing the binding and manhandling the report we’ve toiled over for weeks on end? Now she waddles back. Sorry, she says, I thought this would fit and I made the holes, but it doesn’t…
Ah, my first mistake, I put my entry for the 29th into the 30th by mistake because I’m such a lazy bastard at the moment that I don’t know what day it is and when I checked the date on my computer I was too sleepy to notice that it was already past midnight. So, just one more one hundred words entry after today. It’s been interesting and sometimes enjoyable but I don’t know whether I’ll do it for June. I think I have always been guilty of over analysing things and maybe this doesn’t help me on that score.
Jesus! What amateurs… They screw up the report, can’t fix it satisfactorily, and still try to refuse to compensate us. I’m glad I can argue a good argument in situations like that. I know the main thing is just to be stubborn and not accept what they offer if it’s not good enough, but I think I have the right attitude for that sort of thing. So, in the end we got some money and here we are again with lots of work to reprint.
Found a new Bischof photography book today with some inspiring prints I hadn’t seen before.
Congratulations Senegal - a great start to the World Cup.
I seem to be back to my old problem now, after the busy weeks helping Y with her project. What to do? I don’t know. But, I’m gonna try and keep myself and my brain busy, learn a few new things and catch up with some people I haven’t seen in a long while. Best to stay calm eh? I know I don’t want to return to my previous career, nor do I want to sell my life to the banking world. Y and I can get jobs and enjoy.
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