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Remember that summer, when we hid behind those trees and sat on the ground, talking, laughing? You were so stoned you tried to kiss me, and I pulled away.You hurt me, but not too bad, you realized what you were doing and apologized.I forgave you, and I never thought badly of you for it. Never.
You are J_____, after all, the forgotten one. Beautiful, broken, corrupted. Alone.
Too bad no one ever told you
that you deserved so much better.
I'm sorry, dear cousin, that I never tried to save you, because I liked you hurt and destroyed.
I'm beginning to think you
to end up alone.
I used to sit around hoping that the days would get lighter, and that people's heartbeats would only get louder as they brushed past me, as they sat near me, far from me. I used to try to save people, and now I'm desperately hoping someone will save me.
Where have I gone? Where am I going?
I don't know. All I know is I'm going to find the answers within myself. Maybe I do need to be alone for now. I just hope I don't end up alone forever.
I thought maybe I could remain neutral in this, uninvolved, but I was wrong. What kind of person would I be if I didn't choose a side?
I am in love with both, yet I despise them both at the same time. I'm complete, yet so empty. I'm at peace, yet at wits end. I am a walking paradox and nobody else will ever understand again.
I had it all, and I was stupid enough to just sit back and watch it go. I was foolish enough to give up the fight so quickly, all in the name of love.
Love is full of complications. Just like us, no,
us. So far away and falling so hard. I've told you I'm going to try my best to be closer to you, and you? You're terrified. Yeah, well, you terrify me too, yet I try to remind myself that love is nothing to run from, at least, it shouldn't be.
So then, how many times is too many? How many times do I need to get hurt before finally giving up? I don't know an exact number, but as long as you're around, it'll always be at least one more.
I take my pills. I lie down. There are stars and there are clouds and there are lonely birds outside my window and it's horrible knowing that I can't reach out. These bars hold me captive inside and they do it well. Crying now? Why? I remember he used to always say tears are part of ourselves spilling out. I used to always reply that I only wanted to breathe in, breathe out, like any other normal person.
But you're not normal, and you're never gonna be.
And no matter how much it might hurt, I never want to be.
Home is just like I remember it, but it's taking a while to get used to it. Or maybe it's taking a while for
to get used to
. I woke up in the middle of the night, walked down the hall, talked to the shadows of plants and furniture on the walls, lied down on the floor.
I was once afraid of the dark, and in many ways, I still am. But even more, last night I was afraid of not remembering where I was or what piece of furniture was where. She found me in the morning.
Why are we here, where do we go? From a distance I can see the lump under your shirt. Remember running through the sprinklers and remember pretending we were lions in the sand? Remember playing in your backyard with your dalmatians or in the tree house in my backyard?
Why is it so hard? If only a simple, beautiful life could satisfy us forever. But we're always wanting more and more and getting it at any cost. The cost for you? A life. A
Girl, I always wanted so much more for you. You're breaking my fucking heart.
What's better? Love of comfort? i don't think it was ever a choice either of us consciously made. it - us - was just something that happened and we don't know how to stop it. We sit & we drink & we laugh & we cry but we're always going in circles and refusing to follow any lines out of here.
You said open your heart dixy, let me in, i'll be there, i'll be there but i knew from the very beginning that it was a lie. No one could ever be there like i need them to be.
I don't know what it was exactly that made me realize what a hole I had gotten myself into, nor do I know what gave me the inspiration or courage to climb out of it and restore my life. I suppose it was a combination of things and events: powerful literature, one friend who cared about me, the beauty I found in people around me, God. I forced myself to get back up, brush myself off and keep walking.
I lost something dear to me, and I had to learn to let go of it without letting go of myself.
Every time you get close to me, I feel shaken to the very core. There really is no way to let go of the past, is there? No way of forgetting. At least, not you.
These same thoughts are always crossing my mind and dwelling in my heart. I know that I'm probably always going to be a coward and never have the courage to reach out to you. Trust me, that's the thing I want the most.
The truth is that when you left, there was no goodbye, and I wasn't ready to let go. So I never have.
what would you think of me now?
everything we stood for, i let it go.
well, not everything, but close to it.
i still love life
but if you could only see the person i've become.
would you hate me? i hope not.
im sorry that this world was just too hard.
i just wish you had known that i was there
and you could've made it, J, you could have.
if only you were alive
to feel what i feel and see what i see
the truth is, you always deserved it more.
you should be where i am
She never thought you could complete her, so why did you let her try? Now you're stuck, and she's stuck right there with you.
Because you two are just too proud to admit that you made a mistake and that it's better to let go. Now she's with child and you're both closing that last door. Together forever. Yeah, you're only going to hurt that child and kill yourselves more.
You called me once, crying that you want to be alone but there is nowhere to go. Then you threw up the alcohol and pretended you & me never spoke.
I don't know why i continue to do this to myself.
you're an idiot, because she is a shallow and horrible person. you're an idiot because you're always trying to start a relationship out of loneliness, just for the sex and for the TOUCH of someone, and i know you miss her touch. you're an idiot for falling in love with someone so pathetic and deciding that i wasn't good enough.
you're an idiot for choosing her (and every other girl out there) over me. and i'm an idiot for still loving you. (but honestly, i'm slowly getting over you)
You don't understand that when I say I love you, I mean it with all of my heart. I would want nothing more than to have you here, next to me, and whisper quietly into your ear that it's all going to be okay.
You don't understand how happy you make me when you call me 'kiddo' or when you text me silly things about your day or silly thoughts floating around your mind.
You give me a sense of hope and joy that I haven't felt in a while, and you give me a reason to keep on trying.
Stress is eating me alive.
There was a time when I would have danced it all away. Just put everything aside, blast my radio and dance around. There was a time when I would have turned off all the lights at night, put some music on, light some candles and reflect and breathe. Now I am always drained. Homework, college stuff, church, school, etc. I am failing physics, and I can't seem to make myself care. I wonder when and how I became THIS apathetic.
My favorite part of the day is talking to that one boy. He's breaking me.
I called him because I was excited that I had helped him, and he turned around and screamed at me because I did it all wrong.
Yeah, yeah, I know that what I do is never good enough. When we hung up, I cried. I sobbed and paced around and even punched my pillow to keep myself from punching the wall.
Five minutes later called back and apologized, but I couldn't stop crying. I hung up fast and went back to punching the pillow and the mattress and myself.
Because I love my brother, but I don't know him anymore.
what do you do when you get too close and get hurt? when you feel like killing self, but know you won't? maybe you hide in the basement of that old library and cry in the bathroom stall, slowly lift your skirt and take out that knife from your purse. maybe you slash at your legs until you feel a little better, clean yourself up with toilet water and toilet paper, wash your face in the sink and walk away.
and maybe you realize your mistake and, for the hundreth time, promise yourself you will never fall for that again.
He was always crying into telephones and listening to her tell him that life is beautiful. He wanted to do so much, but lived in fear. Now another is by her side and he's began to move on, because sometimes when people are too impatient to wait for what they know is the absolute greatest, they end up settling for second best. And he called her one evening and laughed and told her he was not sad anymore and not afraid. The girl simply sighed and said,
Please believe me, just because you're not scared doesn't mean you are brave.
The truth is you are not helping yourself by being here. You're running through empty hallways and stopping only when you knock people down. But you don't even help them up anymore. You check if they're okay and then move on with your life.
Where are you going? I know you wanted to be far away from here, but that may not always be the best thing. I know you're lonely and think this place is a rut, but, how do you know the next place you choose is going to be any better?
Do yourself a favor, slow down.
I miss those songs we'd sing in your basement while talking about how getting the hell away from this place would set us free. I miss laughing with you at how scared we both were of our future and our past and, especially, our present. I know what makes this life even more beautiful is a combination of moments and people that pass, but I wish you had stuck around because it's been seven years and I still haven't found someone as complicated and beautiful.
You left me wanting someone just as good, when in reality, there is no one.
This morning he is without me, because I'm with you. Last night you chuckled and told me you loved me over and over again, so many times that I thought you were drunk or dying but you were neither. And then you sang for me.
And I think to myself, it's a wonderful world.
My heart was near exloding in my chest. I didn't tell you, but I was crying my stupid little heart out. In that moment, all I wanted was to run away with you somewhere far and cold and beautiful were we could keep each other warm.
Last time that you came around, I knew it would be the last time. We laid together and laughed. I traced the lines on your face and you did the same to mine.
Just want to memorize you, I said.
You chuckled and said there'd be no need. I will always be around dear. But I knew that was not true, and I was a right. Youre gone now, but the funny thing is that so am I.
Boy, you and I were never meant to be. You are too shallow and dead and I am too alive and complicated.
You have stolen my heart
With what? My "charming ways"? My "beautiful soul"? Yeah keep thinking that, but I'm telling you now: they're a fucking game, dear .You were just too involved in what you thought you wanted to ever realize it. And now you're stuck. Blaming me? It's your own fucking fault. You fell in love with me and I never gave you a reason to.
You "refuse to let go"? I will tear your claws from under my skin and toss you to the side of the road. Im not going to let you hold me back anymore.
I am not an angressive person. I am not an
person, but when I saw the way he was treating them today I wanted to tackle him and slit his throat.
They are human beings too, yet to him they are more like dogs. If I was any sort of decent human being I would've had the courage to stand up for them. I would have choked him, screamed at him, kicked him, hurt him in some way.
But, like the coward I am, I just walked out of the room and into the bathroom and hurt myself instead.
You people confuse me with all of your loving and hating and moments of clarity and confusion.
is that really what God wants, or is it what you want so badly that you've made yourself believe it, and are hoping he is backing you up? how could some of you walk around feeling so damn proud about being 'humble'?
you really confuse me.
& i'm so fucking ready to walk away now.
and if i do, you can't blame me.
but if i don't,
if i stick around,
i cannot blame you for being so tragic, fucked up & beautiful.
You never understood that this is not a situation you can hold calmly in the palm of your hand and have it bow to your every single demand. You're not looking hard enough, you're not trying hard enough. It was always so much easier for you to just RUN far away from the problems instead of face the pain.
Now you're about to lose her and there isn't anyone else to blame. You brought this upon yourself boy, and I'm beginning to worry that maybe you always wanted it to turn out this way.
But that's something you'll never accept.
Remember this: WHAT? what is this? everything. some things. some i am and some i am no ready for. doesn't matter. life will make me face them all anyway.
Oh yeah, Senior year: nissan sentra, college, decisions, applications, no curfew, college mail everywhere, SAT subject tests, W-2 forms, waivers, common application, little money, physics and calculus, lack of keva juice, transcripts, AP classes, homework, church, files, friends, financial aid, studying like crazy, kiss kiss bang bang & chicken nuggets, bricck, layout until 10 p.m., 1GB USB drives.
this maybe doesn't make sense, but to me it does. love you & life.
you're fast, beautiful, and a liar. you love God.
as for me, if you love me you will never capitalize my name. i'm in love with the joy & beauty of living.
we laugh. we wrote a short bio of ourselves that goes like this:
we are in love with each other & always will be. this is our last year of high school. we are really just normal 17-year-old girls, except for the 'normal' part. you could search the whole world wide and you wouldn't find two girls more complicated & beautiful. except for like crackwhores who paint stuff and stuff.
Why do you always look so sad? I know the world has probably picked you up, shaken you and set you back down. Yeah, the world probably HAS beaten the hell out of you, but I wish you'd understand that life doesn't have to be perfect in order for you to be happy. This world you live in, boy, is a beautiful place. I wish I could take away all the pain that's clouding your eyes if just for a second so that you could see it. Maybe then you'd believe me regardless of how bad things get for you.
I dreamed I was dying. It's become so typical. When I opened my eyes,, I ran to the window looked up to the sky and pleaded to God to keep me safe. I prayed behind those army-green bars that surround my window. I feel like a prisoner here. My mother noticed my window screen bent out of shape and had a fit. I know she thinks I sneak out at night and do horrible stuff, but I don't. When I used to sneak out, I'd do it because I needed room to breathe and fresh air to keep me sane.
You stop., unveil your eyes. Then she runs and I watch her from a distance and don't understand why. You run after her and catch her by the wrists. You pull her close and start to whisper things into her ear and kiss her. By now I am terrified. Should I run? I'm afraid to get involved. This problem, it's between you and her, right? I used to love you once, but I was lucky enough to get away. I wish I could help her, I do, but I know in my heart that there is nothing I could say.
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