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"You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen, dixy.-
And I turn away as you place your fingers on my chin and try to get me to look at you.
"Why do you always look away from me?-
Honestly? Because when I look at you, I'm reminded of how very real the moment is and it makes me almost want to cry or shake. I know that you don't love me, but you love me and although I am not in love with you, I love you, too.
"I don't want to ever let go.-
But you do.
I am seventeen years old today, and it both hurts and amazes me to see just how different I have become. When I was a young child, never did I imagine that this would be the kind of person I would be at this age, or that this is the kind of life I would live. I don't necessarily have any regrets, I am just amazed at how different life can turn out.
If I have come this much further in about five or six years than I could have ever imagined, where will I be five years from now?
Last night was not so much a horrible night, just a very sad one. I suppose the whole day was a disaster, though. In the morning, I awoke to find out something I had been denying and has been lied about, indirectly, by a boy. I am much okay though, because my happiness does not come from him, but from Him. I am excited about what the summer holds for me, and about how different life is going to be. It is frightening to think about, but I know I am maturing and I know that life is still beautiful.
I felt as if I was in a daze. I watched and listened to the people around me jumping around, dancing , crying and singing and I felt as if I should be there - as if the fact that I was not was a sin. It hurts me, because I want to really praise God with all my heart, but I know we're all different. I cannot act as they act, no matter how much I try. I live in fear that they will react like they did with that one girl - proud, and not happy for her.
You're tired? Your life is simple and complete and mine is...NOT.
I'm sorry he ever loved me, but I think he should put his own well-being in mind and just let go. I am no good for him. I wonder how many times I have to tell him that before he believes me. I wonder how many times I have to prove it to him before he finally decides to make a change and cut me out of his life. I am sick always saying "I still love you, but I just donÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœt know...I just donÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœt know what I want.-
Your eyes burn me in such a way that no other eyes have ever or will ever burn me.
I don't tell him, but every time he says that my heart aches a little and I can't help but close my eyes.
Hey, hey, look at me, please.
But I can't. What he doesn't understand that sometimes the beauty and vulnerability is so out there that all a girl like me can do is just look away.
You are so, so beautiful boy, that you blind me. You make me wish I was much more beautiful and much more complete.
I'm giving up on him.
I can't believe it has taken me a year to finally let go. Things get better and they get worse and we seem to live in that miserable, repetitive pattern. I'm sick of the circles.
I'm deciding to move on, not because I'm no longer in love with him, but because I am more in love with God - who wants me to be free and alive. If I do not save myself, who will? God, of course, but I have to let Him act through me and not expect him to act for me.
I walk down the street and notice that child grasping tightly onto her mother's hand, being dragged around for the ride. The bags under the motherÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœs eyes hang low and seem to only darken with every step. I can't help but feel an overwhelming ache in my chest. I wish that I could reach my hand out and help them both. Even more, I wish that I could just have one moment alone with that child and remind her that life doesn't have to be that way fro her.
I just want her to feel what true life feels like.
With everyone gone, she is left in the room in silence. She listens to the footsteps walking away, until finally she can't tell if she still hears the steps or if her mind has just begun to make up the sound of them. She then gets up and turns off all the lights and lays on the cold floor. Cockroaches. So what? What matters right now at this second is absorbing the feeling of this moment and engraving it so deep into her mind and heart that it will be with her always,.
She just wants to be absolutely free.
She is a beautiful person, but so flawed. Yet, I know I am flawed, too. I love her to death, yet she has this power to make me feel like the most piece-of-shit person on this planet. I'm always talking about how I wish she could just
be part of my life, but as soon as I start to feel like I am losing her to someone else, I panic.
So we lie around talking and laughing. I'm always wondering why my love for her only seems to get stronger when I risk losing her.I'm a pathetic child.
They stood there naked and let the water fall on them. He wanted to make love to her in there but she resisted and shuddered at the thought of being fucked in there. She told him she wanted to get out, and they did. He got on top of her and "made love"to her. She was afraid resisted, but she also just wanted him to keep going and fuck her hard.
This cycle repeated three times, with intervals during which they laid there and talked and cuddled like fools in lust or love, maybe both, but so very unsure!
I stayed absolutely silent. I do not want to break his heart but I am not going to stay in this city, no way in hell. I love him, but even more than him, I love life and I need to make sure I get out of this shit hole. Eventually he just sighed and said "maybe we shouldn't plan that far ahead"and I nodded.
Sadly, I don't feel much different than before.
Okay, so I have that certain title in his life now, but so what? Somehow I really doubt that anything else is really going to change.
I would always feel so despondent about you and I ever working out. I thought that it must be the
thing in the world to care so much for you, but have everything so be complicated. And maybe it really was the worst thing in the world
, because you were "perfect"for me. But I guess not perfect
, if things ended up this way. My greatest fear is that you will forget who I am, and what I meant to you.
My greatest fear is that I'll one day think I made you up inside my head
There is that other boy - the one to whom I gave a part of me that I will never get back again. The one who holds me in his arms and tells me that I have the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen and tells me that they burn his soul. He always asks me why I always look away or shut them. I can never tell him that I don't want my eyes to burn his soul; I don't want him to look so deep into my eyes and one day catch an accidental glimpse at my soul.
I see her and I just want to break or tear her apart, so badly. She raises the bottle to her lips as if it was water now and doesn't go a day without poisoning her body with some sort of chemical or other. Girl, your life is so broken and I want you to see that. It is a shame that sometimes we cannot pass our understanding to others; they must learn the hard way, by themselves.
I would do anything if it meant she would finally be okay. How could anyone ever settle with a life like that?
Just stay a while, please.
But I didn't because as soon as I heard the tone you used I realized you're more concerned about
being there with you, than you are with
being there with you. I picked up my things and walked right out of there. You screamed after me that you'd "see me tomorrow," but you know what? You won't. I'm never coming back to you or this.
Maybe it's time we both stop trying to use the other to make living easier. Maybe it's time we start fixing our lives instead of running from them.
I suppose I should have some sort of regret, but I don't. Sometimes I close my eyes, and picture God's sadness at the way I am living and want to correct every single mistake. I try to imagine how many people have been with somebody out of sheer loneliness. I wonder how many people have pretended to love someone they really don't. It's such a shame the things we're reduced to sometimes. I never thought that I would ever become the person that I have, and I'm not sure if that is a good thing, bad thing, neither or both.
They are two, but really one. The way they hold hands when they're walking down the street, or in the privacy of his or her room. The girl is more beautiful than any other girl he's ever seen. The boy completes her in almost every way. I am happy for them, but every time I look at them, I feel this sting of jealousy and longing for what they've been blessed enough to find.
Or maybe it found them. Maybe we don't find love, but it finds us, and we're all fools for running around frantically in search of it.
"You're so full of hope, girl, but how are you ever going to deal with it when things fall apart?"
I wish I could tell you I have a whole strategy planned out, but I don't. I try to take it all one day at a time.
Just take it easy, dixy.
When I see you I see everything that I could have been if I had made more of the wrong choices. You're so beautiful but so broken. I want to just wrap my arms around you and protect you forever.
I want to hear your heart beating again.
You can pretend to enjoy spending time with me and that things I say make you smile and feel good about yourself and life. You can even try to pretend that everything is fine between you and me. But what you can never pretend, is that you love me. You whisper your love towards me in my ear but your actions and movements and even your
tell me that it's all a sham.
But who am I to talk, right? I've been in your shoes before. Confessing my love to ones I know I don't and can't ever love.
Adrian closed his eyes and focused on every single sound around him. The one that stood out the most was that reoccurring sound of bells somewhere in the far distance. The memories of his mother flooded his mind as he laid back on the grass and looked up at the sky.
"It doesn't matter where you end up, what matters is that you enjoyed getting there.-
He forces himself to stare at the bright blue sky until the tears start pouring down his face. There is no one in his life he can turn to, now, and he is afraid
She placed her hands on her stomach and tried to fully grasp the words the doctor had just spoken to her.
Pregnant?. I can't be pregnant,
She lifted herself off the bed and walked into the bathroom.
I just wanted to feel loved. I don't have enough love for myself, much less to give a child.
Before she can change her mind, she's on her knees in front of that toilet again throwing up. When she's finished, she makes her hands into fists and begins to punch her stomach. With each blow, she's reminded of a different guy.
Daddy, daddy, daddy
you never gave me the
I thought I deserved.
Daddy, daddy, daddy
you never saw more of me
than good grades
(all served up neatly in bowl)
Daddy, daddy, daddy
you never saw the broken girl
with the heartaches
or the loneliness
(eating slowly away at her soul)
Daddy, daddy, daddy
you are like a stranger to me
that says he loves me
but doesn't know me
Daddy, daddy, daddy
(you are like every other boy
I've ever "loved"
or put my trust in
I love you,
but we're through.
I loved him for four years before he even
me. And now, he has begun to notice me and love me and I have accidentally become aware of how much of horrible person he really is. It hurts me that now, I want absolutely nothing to do with him when before, the only thing I wanted
Boys and love are such bizarre things. Maybe it's just not meant to be in my life. Or maybe it's just not meant to be
. It's difficult to wait patiently for someone to love you when you feel so alone.
I love how inspiration is all around us! Just look around you. The woman walking down the street with her two children tagging along behind and a third one in her arms probably has experience so much that I canÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœt even begin to imagine. The man sitting next o that broken down telephone clutching his brown bag with one hand and petting his dog with the other has also lived through things that I can never know.
I can only try to feel what he must have felt, and let my mind run with possible fake situations and moments.
it seems the more i'm living life, the less i'm able to write. i fear losing that passion for words. perhaps it has something to do with the fact writing is an attempt to put moments into words, and some moments lately have been so beautiful that i'd be afraid to destroy their beauty by putting them into words. i feel incompetent and always in a type of rush. if i let myself slow down, i begin to think too much, mostly about that boy and that forbidden love.
but to be in a rush is difficult on the soul.
it's nothing new to say that i have changed. moments and realizations have changed me. but the person i am now - though stronger- is much harder than the person i as before; much more afraid to trust. There's an apathy consuming my very being and it scares the hell out of me. perhaps this is a good lesson I've learned, though painful. Perhaps it is the only way i could ever learn that the only one i can trust is God.
perhaps - no, not perhaps, definitely - i have gone through this to learn about others and myself.
There are signs all over the school that read "THE END IS NEAR...so turn in your books now!" Every time I see one of those I'm not sure whether to be amused or annoyed. I think it usually ends up being a little bit of both, with a slightly stronger emphasis on the latter.
But really, the end really is almost here. And I know that change is soon going to be upon me in a manner so strong that I haven't experienced in a while, and I don't know if I am ready! a little bit of both, with a slightly stronger emphasis on the latter.
The fear is kind-of consuming me.
You mean so much to me. I want something more. I'd like if this...us....became long term. What do you think?
What's a girl like me to think, anyways? Who ever said I had a right to my own thoughts, when my heart seems to make the decisions lately? I feel the smile broadening on my lips as I nod and look into your eyes. Somewhere in the back of my mind, screaming out at me from under all of those emotions running around wildly in my heart, I hear the words, "You stupid, stupid girl, youÃƒâ€šÃ¢â‚¬Ëœve fallen for that boy.-
i know I'm not fully dependent on anyone but God for my happiness anymore (at least i learned a lesson from d_______) but sometimes i feel like my problems and thoughts and whatnot shouldn't have to be dealt by with anyone, especially by someone so amazing like you. and sometimes it's just hard to articulate things or to let myself talk about them. it's like i built a wall around myself and now i can't break out or climb out so sometimes i need a little help
i miss you and your touch and putting my hand on your face
Seventeen years old. Writer. Poet. Incomplete. Confused. In love with life. Full of love for others. Sister.. Daughter. Cousin. Friend. This is what I am.
Dream. Laugh. Dance in the rain in my panties. Scream at the top of my lungs when nobody is home. Lay on the grass and try to breathe in nature. Find shapes in clouds. Learn about anything. Construct houses out of wooden sticks. Color the pages of random books. Touch people's lives by showing kindness. Stare at the stars from my bedroom window by candle light. Sing loudly when driving.
This is what I do.
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