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01/01 Direct Link
She says there is no such thing as love at first sight but I beg to differ. I'm not sure what it was, but something about seeing you made me feel absolutely open and incredible. I know that even though we may never "get together"there is an emotion deep inside of me that you - and only you - can awaken. They call me foolish and I don't give a damn. Yes, I know he's hurt me in the past and he is going to hurt me again, but what you don't know is that he's worth hurting over.
01/02 Direct Link
I swear that some mornings I wake up and have no idea how I made it through the night. The first thing I do is thank God and recollect everything that happened the night before: the words that were said and the words that weren't said and everything in between. Last night was an especially horrible night, but so beautiful. I don't like when something is so painful yet beautiful at the same time. Yet if I have learned anything from my short time in his life is that sometimes beautiful things are also tragic. Like each one of us.
01/03 Direct Link
If I made so many mistakes in my past it was not because I didn't know better, but because it didn't matter that I did. Sometimes it's nice not to be and feel so alone. I don't think anybody around here could ever understand me like I need to be understood. I know I'm complicated, but is that such a bad thing? You keep acting like it is. Last night he told me to call him tonight and I agreed. I want him to be open with me. I want to see deeper into that mind and heart of his.
01/04 Direct Link
Maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if I didn't know just how much I'm missing out on. I know that I told him I was over him, but the truth is I'm not. I still don't understand why he keeps coming back. He said this time it was for good. "With new years come new beginnings, and I want us to begin again, dear."& I just don't know who to believe, my heart, or his? Yeah well, he might have the best in mind but that doesn't mean he'll do his best. I am extremely lost and alone here.
01/05 Direct Link
Today I watched Heavenly Creatures (after Jon recommended it to me) and I must say I was not disappointed. Sure, the movie is quite different from most and definitely strange, but, nonetheless, it is absolutely amazing.

I think I'm just a little too in love with good movies about writers who go mad. Should I consider myself a horrible person for wishing with all my heart that they would get away with the murder of Pauline‘s mother? I think they could have lived a beautiful life together if they had, and they definitely deserved it. oh well, que sera, sera.
01/06 Direct Link
I continue to search for the reason why loneliness just seems to follow me everywhere I go. It just never wants to leave me alone and let me be.

I wonder why I feel so different all the time. I wonder why I feel so empty right now. I wonder why his words hurt me more than ever yet I still wished him luck with her, and meant it wholeheartedly.

I wonder what it is about me that people dislike, and that makes people choose not to get to close. I am flawed, yes. but I'm not a horrible person.
01/07 Direct Link
It is actually a little bit past midnight when I'm writing this. I just want to disappear. This life seems to be too great for me, right now. Yet, not great enough. Maybe I expected way too much out of all of this.

I'm currently having an extremely difficult time realizing that I cannot avoid change nor ignore the fact that people leave.

I know from past experiences that to people I am often a 'temporary' type of person. Always just a replacement; second place to something or someone else. I wonder why I'm never good enough for anything better.
01/08 Direct Link
I am back home from a one-night retreat for the church girls. I slept next to a friend of mine with a beautiful soul. At three in the morning, as she and I watched TV, I had such an urge to ask her to dance with me.

I felt suffocated. So I had to control myself and make myself go to sleep. I know that she has an amazing soul but I don't think she believes the same about me. I know that we have our differences, but I wish her the best and always keep her in my prayers.
01/09 Direct Link
I think I'm glad that he left before he was finished arriving. It definitely made things easier on me. I think it's kind of pathetic how I'm so incomplete that I try to find satisfaction anywhere, despite of what my best judgment and my heart tell me to do.

I'm just glad to be okay, really. I had a really bad night Friday when everything fell apart. It was Friday night that I was reminded that second best will never be enough. I can't keep trying to make people turn into you.

I wish myself the best of luck tomorrow.
01/10 Direct Link
Five months, then, you will be gone. I wish there was a way for me to tell you just how much I am going to miss you, and how much my heart aches right about this. I'm sorry that I couldn't take the news better.

"Don't look at me with that face as if you're about to cry, Dixy."

But how can I not? You provide a stability and kindness that few others have shown to me. They say that we never really appreciate what we have until it's gone, but that is not true in this case. Five months.
01/11 Direct Link
I've no inspiration today. Even writing one hundred words seems tiring to just think about. Today I am a bit brain dead. I think I will just blame it on my ever-increasing apathy. There is a huge literature book to the right of me. More than two thousand pages of prose and poetry. I use it for my English III class. It feels good to carry it, even if it weighs more than two normal text books combined.

Today I emailed him, after putting it off for so long. I made myself find the courage within to finally do it.
01/12 Direct Link
I hope that everybody likes my poem more because I really want to win that scholarship for that summer program. I would love to visit Boston and England. I would love to spend 22 days focused on writing and writing only. Work is draining and I have a headache.

The pre-cal homework in front of me is just mush. The numbers are a mess. They make no sense and I'm ready to give up on this. I hope I win that contest because writing is the only thing that I'm slightly good at.


The thing is, so is everyone else.
01/13 Direct Link
Friday the 13th - Well, good thing I'm not superstitious. Today has been a better day than I've had in a while, and I even spilled salt. I got my PSAT scores back. My composite score was an 181. That is way better than I expected and much better than most people I know.

I kicked ass in the Writing Skills section. I got 71 of 80 points. Not that I feel better than anyone else, just that it makes me feel good to do good at something. I thank God for giving me the wisdom and strength. Thank You.
01/14 Direct Link
this place is silent &
my mind is loud.
i can't even remember why i'm
still here when everyone else is
gone. maybe it's meant to be,
you think? maybe we're meant to be.
isn't it great the way we always
make ourselves believe that what happens
happens because it was destined?
maybe we're foolish but
maybe we're not. i'll tell you one day
when i've figured out the meaning of life
for now let's just
keep giving it our all and don't mind
if i'm a little behind. you were always
way too fast
and i, not fast enough.
01/15 Direct Link
I don't understand how I can feel so close to some people, yet so far away. All I can do is try to remember that in this life, some of us are just destined to feel so separated and different from others. All I can do is try to have hope that one day everything will be different.

And so, I settle for what I get and hope that it'll keep me at least satisfied enough to want to keep trying.


I never understand how not one single day goes by that I'm not somehow reminded that I'm second rate
01/16 Direct Link
I am proud of myself. This is a rare thing for me. Today I went to his house and he pulled me close to him and tried to kiss me but I pulled away. I got into my car and as I drove away the first person I thought of was Daniel.

Today was a good day. I spent time with a dear friend I hadn't seen in a while. Things have changed but I am grateful that she's doing good. Right now I am not looking forward to tomorrow, since school starts again (after today's one-day-holiday) and I work.
01/17 Direct Link
this is just horribly convenient, isn't it? all of this happened way too fast, and still is. i can't return to the person that i was. this place is lonely. one year and a half until i'm an adult. one year and a half until i'm away from this place and lonely someplace else.

it's just so difficult to belong to a place and a moment and a feeling that i can't seem to find.

& some of us have the hardest time trying to understand that time isn't poison, but once we finish drinking it all, we will die
01/18 Direct Link
i know that this place has only gotten lonelier without all of you, but i must keep my head up, because i know that things change. i miss a few people and i'm not quite over everything that's happened or all the people i've lost.

i hate the way this makes me realize how much power i had given to these people without either of our knowledge, even the power to feel alive. now, i have to try so hard but it's okay because i know it's worth fighting for. I hope life is treating each and of you well.
01/19 Direct Link
She froze. She stopped everything she was doing and didn't say a word as she walked away. I bet you know that you're the one to blame. You were never quite aware of those around you like you were of yourself. (Maybe now things will change but maybe it's pointless to have any hope in you.) You are the reason she gave up and the reason I'm so lost.

This place has an unnatural loneliness to it without her here. It's strange to think that I once could have ever loved being here, when now, I hate it so much.
01/20 Direct Link
His presence still lingers here and refuses to leave me in peace. I expect you know by now what's happening to me. I'm falling in love. So, I guess I must do the only thing any reasonable person in my situation would do: Run. Run as far away as I can and never look back.

People are no good on a permanent basis. I'm not kidding. They'll change you. They'll hurt you. They might not mean to do any of those things to you, but they'll do them.

Lovers, friends, family...they're no good.
Strangers, on the other hand
Are priceless.
01/21 Direct Link
I never imagined that I could feel so alone while surrounded by so many friends and loved ones. Yesterday, sitting in that cold room in Mexico with my cousins, my aunt, her boyfriend, his son and Saul and his family I was reminded of how beautiful life is. They all looked at a video and laughed and I felt like closing my eyes and disappearing.

I simply felt overwhelmed by the way their joy seemed to light up the whole room. I'm telling you, yesterday it felt so good to be there, and to be alive. I miss that feeling.
01/22 Direct Link
I sat on that cold chair yesterday and watched you and didn't understand. I saw in your eyes a type of loneliness and sadness I hadn't seen in anyone in a while. I saw the way you held that needle and that glass image of Jesus in your hand and scratched at it with the needle and dug it deep into your thumb.

I pretended I wasn‘t looking, and so did you. I don't think you meant to do any of that in a bad way, but simply as acts to maybe make you feel alive.

And that I understand.
01/23 Direct Link
Ever since I was a young child, I have loved writing. Although at first I thought of this as a blessing and a blessing only, I have now come to realize that this love and yearning for writing is somewhat of a curse.

The truth is that even though it's absolutely rejuvenating, writing tends to hurt sometimes. I was always somewhat of a masochist. I will write until I die. I will have this love for the written word forever.

I am not afraid of the pain that may come and will come. I want only to be absolutely complete.
01/24 Direct Link
When I closed my eyes Is w us again, like we were so many years ago. We were free, we were alive and we were hopeful.

Neither of us had any idea what would become of us in the days to come but neither of us cared. All we wanted was to live in the moment. We were experts at it back then. When I see you in the distance now my heart longs to reach out and touch you.

I only want to make sure you're real and not just an reflection of the person I've become without knowing.
01/25 Direct Link
remember that funeral we both went to? and the way i looked at you and said "that could be you."? remember the way we both got out of there because we felt suffocated by death and you clung to me and told me you wanted everything to just stop? remember, that moment, and the hope you had? remember hope? it's still there, darling, just give it another and another and another chance.

"oh but dixy, we go on and on and on and we're tired."

sometimes it's just too much for us to get lost in that mess of details.
01/26 Direct Link
This keyboard feels perfect under my fingertips. Or maybe it's just the fact that I'm half asleep. Today I saw him again and I almost talked to him. But, once again, I can't seem to find the courage within myself. I am a fool.

I'm dying inside, you know? One of my friend seems to be mad at me, and another continues to get on my nerves. I'm ready to throw my hands up and give up and up.

I hate having a job. I hate having to work and go to school at the same time. Such is life.
01/27 Direct Link
she is alone and dead but none of us really seem to care. well, we do but we don't know it. it's just a feeling, growing inside of us that we try to push away. we want it far from us because it hurts too much to have to face things we're not sure of.

we're never sure of where life is taking us next, so we sit and cry and rock ourselves to sleep and try to make ourselves believe that someone will be there when we wake but no one ever is and no one ever will be
01/28 Direct Link
a friday hasn't felt so beautiful in such a long time. really. i don't miss being there with anybody at all. and i never will. do you? will you? who knows, who cares? we're miserable and we're defeated and we're golden but we're hurt and will we ever recover? only time will tell, only time will tell.

and so we sit and drink and wait for the sun to greet us from the window so that we may close our eyes. but the nights are long and all we can try to do is forget and forget and then drown.
01/29 Direct Link
i've spent many nights crying on my bed, under the covers either to no one or to empty answering machines, just waiting to hear your voice on the other end yell "surprise! i'm here and i've listened to every word you've said and i love you to absolute death." but now the times are changing and when you say i'm beautiful i know you don't mean it like you once did before. & somehow i think that this is what i've needed for so long, so i could finally let go.

(i'm letting go because i've had enough of this)
01/30 Direct Link
i don't think i'd rather be anywhere than here with you, sitting in my backyard filling our bodies with caffeine. you always put me at a peace that no one else ever could (i guess that's what best friends are for) i love it that we know each other so well. you are that friend i've always dreamed of. (thank you,.) you've been so good to me & even when we argue, we don't turn cold & this bond doesn't let us pull apart.

i know you dont' know this but you're part of the reason i'm still around. thanks.
01/31 Direct Link
I hard your voice today for the first time in about eight years. It nearly broke my heart, boy, but you don't even know that and you never will. I felt my knees go weak when I passed by you and heard you speak. We were so close. It's insane how you make me feel. Oh, I wish I had the courage to just talk to you! I'm such an idiot, you know? Today you looked into my eyes and I felt almost angry that you don't have the courage, either. But I understand. I think I am slowly dissolving.