12/01 Direct Link

ďI know that you were young and broken once, but now youíre grown, itís time to get your shit togetherĒ.

Easy for you to say, with your life all figured out and the questions of your youth all answered. You were never in so deep we were. Your struggle was always with finding your place in the world, not with trying to figure out if you were worth it or whether you even belonged on it to begin with.

I am glad you found your peace, but donít go trying to make me feel inadequate for not yet finding mine.†

12/02 Direct Link
I refused it, this dreariness, over and over again until finally I could push it away no more. Slowly it filled me, wrapped itself around me, decided that it felt comfortable and at home with me and I, too, decided that I welcomed its familiarity and warmth.

You always taught me to be strong, to persevere, to go on and on and on no matter what, and all that other inspirational crap. But, you never taught me just how it is that one goes about living a happy, fulfilling life with a heart and mind full of despair and fright.
12/03 Direct Link
ďJust be honest, d, otherwise this life is only going to be harder for youĒ

Except, it really hasnít ever felt that way:

A mother who Iím very much aware would shun me out of her life forever if she knew who I am and some of the things Iíve done.
Friends, or lack thereof, who only know small bits and pieces of me because Iím too afraid (and unable) to open up.
A father who only halfway stuck around, kept me a secret his whole life, and who will never really know who I am.
I donít even, anymore.
12/04 Direct Link

Itís not that your death has made me feel incomplete Ė Iíd been feeling that way since long before, every moment we were not together Ė but it has really made me question why I still fight this fight. You believed in me, in us, made promises and mistakes that you felt miserable about, but no matter what, you always stuck around. Whenever I even thought about giving up I thought about how you hadnít. I must have the courage to do this too then, right?

†Your death has just left me wondering if maybe I overestimated my strength all these years. †

12/05 Direct Link

†A quick, soft touch. A short note. That fast, I was yours. I try not to let you catch me looking your way but itís getting harder each day. She was right, I give my heart away too easily and then spend countless sobbing, drunken nights trying to get it back. But no, not this time, not with you, because Iím in such a hopeless place now that it doesnít matter.

Keep it, hold it. Let it experience what I never will. Let it have a glimpse at a life and moments with you that I could only dream of.†

12/06 Direct Link
Havenít you seen enough, to want to pack up all your shit and get as far away from here as possible? You remind me of her, years ago, smoking out my bedroom window, begging me to run away with her to a place where no one knew our names. We could make a life, you know, a simple one, but better than this lie.

The offer was always tempting. And yet my love, loyalty and empathy kept me there, prisoner to ďhomeĒ, bound to mother and K, whose hearts, to this day, I could never so easily and cruelly break.
12/07 Direct Link

It was one day, that was it, and from the start I knew you were using me. I knew you could never mean anything to me even if I made myself pretend you did. Yes, yes Iím sorry that I led you on but Iím also sorry that you went along with the lies.

See, the thing is that whether or not you acknowledge this, I have feelings too. I want to succeed and love and be someone wonderful, too. You could pretend Iím not if it puts me where you need me to be, but Iím out of here.

12/08 Direct Link

Betrayed is too strong a word, frustrated too weak. We knew from the start, each of us, how wrong and painful it was but we were in it together and it was our hurt to handle and our error to mend. I knew from the second I walked in the door, saw her sitting next to you, her eyes cold and glued to my face, that you had let her in into that twisted, grand world of ours

She will forever hate me for it, yes, for ďcorruptingĒ her sister, when it was you, darling, who was wicked all along.†

12/09 Direct Link

This new city was supposed to come with a new me, a new life, a new way to get by day by day without giving in to all the things that once made me terrible. Instead, I laid there once again, different girl, different time, different place Ė kissing her forehead, tightening my grasp around her not wanting to let go. I knew that when I did Iíd have to accept my weakness.

†ďI know you are lonely too. Itís OK, if it helps you not to feel so lonely, you knowĒ.

†And I know that†doesn't†make it any better.†

12/10 Direct Link

You told me once you were a poet Ė barely, but enough. You spoke of late nights scribbling poems on napkins and †old receipts during your night shift. You told me when you showed him he feigned interested and told you he thought your poems were nice and you never wanted to show anyone after that. I found some lines once, on a business card on your bedroom floor. I read them even though I knew I had no right to.†

The real poets never make it very far, you said once.†

But you would have, dear. You really would have.†
12/11 Direct Link

You donít let it go. Four years and counting, still obsessed with the idea of a life that could have been, the people we could have become, the changes we could have made in the world. In your mind it was always simple and great, and we are free and at peace.†

But darling, in your fantasy you forget the nights of screaming and the days spent far away, though together, in silence. You forget that miserable feeling of being trapped and the fact that we drove each other absolutely crazy with our need to get rid of our sorrows.†
12/12 Direct Link
you, so silent and so loud all at once
like no oneís ever had the
courage of being

your knowing smile,
those soft, quick touches,
giving me hope and
a fleeting glimpse of life,
reminding me so subtly that
even now, after all the broken hearts
and long, trying nights,
i still give my heart away too easily.

you make me feel the way the sun must feel,
extraordinary, brilliant,
an important part of all that is beauty and alive

but Iím well aware that days change,
suns set, moments pass,
and at the end of it all Ė Iím not.
12/13 Direct Link

Are you afraid to just give in to this place? I know Iíve always been. Laying here, in the grass, your arm so lightly touching mine, your lips so close and yet so terribly far Ė it never makes it any easier.†

See, the problem is that here, now, weíre always perfect and everything seems possible and right. I But ten minutes from now, a day from now, a week, youíll be screaming at me again, sighing as you roll your eyes and resent me for everything I am and everything I need you to be.†

I know our patterns, love.†
12/14 Direct Link
For the first time in a long time I had that ghastly feeling, of not wanting to be present in the moment or aware of the words coming out of someoneís mouth. What soft, easy way is there to tell someone youíve had your fill and are ready to move on? Iíd scream and cry if I thought Iíd get me anywhere with you, if I thought it would change your decision and bring you back from her arms, into mine.

How I loved it, oh, how I loved us, and every moment now so harshly engraved in my mind.
12/15 Direct Link

I donít know what came over me. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I had to get out of there. You always gave me hope and at the same time you always made me miserable. I loved you like I never knew I could love anyone Ė so definitely. No doubts, never, no, but suddenly I realized you were wasting my time and staying here, itís a mistake. I never knew anyone who made me feel so foolish and alive all at the same time.

One kiss, one tight hug, numerous goodbyes. Eventually I learned to be on my own, to get by.

12/16 Direct Link
"Just hold on, a little bit longer my dear, Iíll be back again."

Except you werenít. I waited, as long as I was able and willing to for you to become yourself again. I donít like to give up on people but you left me without a choice, darling. There was so much we said weíd do, so many places we said weíd see, so many moments we described with such intricate, precise detail.

Iíll find you someday, maybe, but in all likelihood I never will again. I only hope that this person you are now is happy and complete.
12/17 Direct Link
ďIím only going to ask thi probably twice in my life: will you marry me?Ē

Oh, you always do rash things when your life is falling apart! The thing that you donít realize is that when things end, they end for a reason, and in our case it was many, many reasons and none of those have changed. Even if we tried again, in the end weíd be right back to where things ended last time because weíre incapable of progress, you and I.

I know you love me, but why do you have to do so this way?
12/18 Direct Link
You want to help me find a way out of here? Fine, fine. Get out of my way, stop holding me back with those pretty, flirty eyes and those soft, smooth hands of yours. I never wanted love, no, never said I wanted anything that hurt this much. I wanted only to feel free and not so empty and alive. Even our best efforts backfire, sometimes.

And so now we sit here, together but alone, wondering which way to now go Ė wanting to keep holding your hand so tightly in mine but knowing that youíll never leave here with me.

12/19 Direct Link

I wasnít afraid, you know, not of you, not of this moment and never of this feeling. I was afraid of everything elseĖ the responsibilities, the long hours, the eyes glued to us no matter where we were. I so badly wanted to tell you my story, I so badly want, still, to let you in, to matter to you, but I know that itís hopeless. Youíve too many people in your life. What am I? What could I ever be? You know enough stories, you have enough hearts.

Iím putting my heart at risk here because I love you.

12/20 Direct Link
I always wanted to be part of something bigger, sweetheart, always wanted to be different, part of something that would matter in the grand scheme of things. How wrong I was, all along, to pretend that I was special and that each and every moment in my life was only a preparation for something. Your words, whispered to me so eloquently and softly, were truly art then and forever will be.

Find your way out, go be that something you were meant to be and meanwhile I will be here, resentful and alone and wishing you only the absolute best.
12/21 Direct Link
Oh, oh, you drive me so crazy! You brushed past me today, the usual quick touch a little too fast, too hard Ė this time it actually hurt. But all it did was turn me on, oh God, this is terrible. I am terrible. This whole situation is terrible! I want only to be a different person, in a different place, at a different time, with you, alone, with you, you, you. I always said I wanted honesty and to be honest but now all I want is you, in whatever way possible.

This thing you do to me, itís exhilarating.
12/22 Direct Link

From here on out, everything †changes. I change. First with half of one, then with one, then with two, and before you know it Iíll be a completely new person and Iíll be composed and articulate and calm and know what to say, when to say it and how to say it. Iím scared, only, of losing myself, of becoming a shell of who I was, all that stereotypical crap but really, yes yes I am afraid, so terribly afraid! Which is why Iíve put it off so long, which is why Iím now here, barely able to hold on.

12/23 Direct Link

I never said I wanted answers from you, just an ear to listen, just somebody to provide me with hope and courage, and give me a reason to keep on trying. Oh, what I would give to be able to learn from your experience and mistakes!† What I would give to be able to start living freely, now, from here on out, regardless of what anybody thought or who was hurt.

You have given me that ear, that hope, that courage and I could never thank you enough. I want only to be able to survive this in one piece.

12/24 Direct Link

Iíve no answers for you, or for myself, even. I know I told you one thing but at the end of the day I just couldnít picture myself there, with you, watching you with everyone and feeling so out of place, so separated from everything that makes me feel close and at peace with you.

Without that feeling, †I am lost. I can sit here and fight these feelings and reassure you with words but nothing is ever that simple, and I realize that.

You have your life, your friends, and Iím ready to accept I donít belong in it. †

12/25 Direct Link

She said maybe this is a good thing, Christmas away from home, maybe this is a good reality check for both me and mother, that I am growing up. I know to some extent sheís right, but still, it felt so lonely and even though I got to talk to and see everyone through the webcam, afterwards I still locked myself in the bathroom and cried for a long while.†

Bah, petty emotional moments! I know I need to get stronger and more distant from the feelings of overwhelming sorrow that threaten to take away my sanity and my courage.
12/26 Direct Link
Fixing you wasnít easy. Going into it I never even thought itíd be worth it to try until you clung to me that lonely night, begging me to give you a good enough reason to go on. Every reason I had for you seemed contrived at the time and Iím so, so sorry for that. The thing is that even though I tried and tried and tried, in the end it was impossible for me to be strong enough for the both of us. I wanted to save us both so much, but in the end didnít save either one.†
12/27 Direct Link
ďThere were so many demons in her struggling to come out all at once that they made her throat raw.Ē

I nod, give an Ďuh huhí (not a condescending one, of course, never), and do my best to change the subject. I donít want to talk about this. I donít want to ever talk about demons with you Ė there are some things I just need to leave in the past to be able to move on with my life. Iím sorry.

To be honest, even to this day it terrifies me. Even to this day, I can remember the screams.
12/28 Direct Link

This is too much. Sitting here, listening to you two whisper and giggle and gasp, watching you flash your longing, piercing glances past me and straight at her. Couldnít things go my way, just this once? I know I donít exactly make my own situation easier, but do you really have to do this here, now, and do I really have to be such a masochistic coward as to continue listening and watching? †

Everything was easier when I didnít let myself think for even a moment that maybe one day things might actually work out. I want my hopelessness back.†
12/29 Direct Link

She spoke of patience to me, of my own impatience, my inability to be at peace with this moment and time. I guess to some extent sheís right Ė I canít just live in the moment and not let myself hope and ache for the future just a little bit, hoping it will be better and simpler. But impatient? Must you really take it that far?

If I was impatient, I would have driven myself mad in my current situation already. I would be completely broken and may possibly not even be here

If I was impatient I wouldnít be alive.†
12/30 Direct Link
"I just want to clear on what you need from me"

Nothing, nothing, see, youíve missed the point. I can never ask you or anybody for anything because I have to be strong strong strong and carry on. I have to deal with this sadness and this terror myself. Iím sorry that I sometimes feel this urgent need to reach out, but I realize the busy life you live and the little time you have and really, what could you ever get out of an emotionally crippled idiot like me?

I appreciate the gesture, dear, but letís just move on.†
12/31 Direct Link
Happy birthday.†

†I didnít expect a reply. I can apologize for the pain I caused you and for where we ended up but we both know Iím not sorry for banishing you from my life. Itís what I had to do to be OK with myself. I know you were there for me for years, I know I tried to be there for you, too, but I couldnít handle the emotional manipulation anymore, the tears, the feeling that somehow someway I did something to make you feel all of that hurt coming up your throat and streaming down your face.†