ďI know that you were young and
broken once, but now youíre grown, itís time to get your shit togetherĒ.
Easy for you to say, with your
life all figured out and the questions of your youth all answered. You were never
in so deep we were. Your struggle was always with finding your place in the
world, not with trying to figure out if you were worth it or whether you even belonged
on it to begin with.
I am glad you found your peace,
but donít go trying to make me feel inadequate for not yet finding mine.†
Itís not that your death has
made me feel incomplete Ė Iíd been feeling that way since long before, every
moment we were not together Ė but it has really made me question why I still
fight this fight. You believed in me, in us, made promises and mistakes that
you felt miserable about, but no matter what, you always stuck around. Whenever
I even thought about giving up I
thought about how you hadnít. I must have
the courage to do this too then, right?
†Your death has just left me
wondering if maybe I overestimated my strength all these years. †
†A quick, soft touch. A short note. That fast,
I was yours. I try not to let you catch me looking your way but itís getting
harder each day. She was right, I give my heart away too easily and then spend
countless sobbing, drunken nights trying to get it back. But no, not this time,
not with you, because Iím in such a hopeless place now that it doesnít matter.
Keep it, hold it. Let it
experience what I never will. Let it have a glimpse at a life and moments with
you that I could only dream of.†
It was one day, that was
it, and from the start I knew you were using me. I knew you could never mean
anything to me even if I made myself pretend you did. Yes, yes Iím sorry that I
led you on but Iím also sorry that you went along with the lies.
See, the thing is that
whether or not you acknowledge this, I have feelings too. I want to succeed and
love and be someone wonderful, too. You could pretend Iím not if it puts me
where you need me to be, but Iím out of here.
Betrayed is too strong a word,
frustrated too weak. We knew from the start, each of us, how wrong and painful
it was but we were in it together and it was our hurt to handle and our error
to mend. I knew from the second I walked in the door, saw her sitting next to
you, her eyes cold and glued to my face, that you had let her in into that
twisted, grand world of ours
She will forever hate me for it, yes, for ďcorruptingĒ
her sister, when it was you, darling, who was wicked all along.†
This new city was supposed to
come with a new me, a new life, a new way to get by day by day without giving
in to all the things that once made me terrible. Instead, I laid there once
again, different girl, different time, different place Ė kissing her forehead,
tightening my grasp around her not wanting to let go. I knew that when I did Iíd
have to accept my weakness.
†ďI know you are lonely too. Itís
OK, if it helps you not to feel so lonely, you knowĒ.
†And I know that†doesn't†make it
I donít know what came
over me. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I had to get out of there. You always gave
me hope and at the same time you always made me miserable. I loved you like I
never knew I could love anyone Ė so definitely. No doubts, never, no, but
suddenly I realized you were wasting my time and staying here, itís a mistake.
I never knew anyone who made me feel so foolish and alive all at the same time.
One kiss, one tight
hug, numerous goodbyes. Eventually I learned to be on my own, to get by.
I wasnít afraid, you
know, not of you, not of this moment and never of this feeling. I was afraid of
everything elseĖ the responsibilities, the long hours, the eyes glued to us no
matter where we were. I so badly wanted to tell you my story, I so badly want,
still, to let you in, to matter to you, but I know that itís hopeless. Youíve
too many people in your life. What am I? What could I ever be? You know enough
stories, you have enough hearts.
Iím putting my heart at
risk here because I love you.
From here on out,
everything †changes. I change. First with
half of one, then with one, then with two, and before you know it Iíll be a
completely new person and Iíll be composed and articulate and calm and know
what to say, when to say it and how to say it. Iím scared, only, of losing
myself, of becoming a shell of who I was, all that stereotypical crap but
really, yes yes I am afraid, so terribly afraid! Which is why Iíve put it off
so long, which is why Iím now here, barely able to hold on.
I never said I wanted
answers from you, just an ear to listen, just somebody to provide me with hope
and courage, and give me a reason to keep on trying. Oh, what I would give to be
able to learn from your experience and mistakes!† What I would give to be able to start living
freely, now, from here on out, regardless of what anybody thought or who was
You have given me that ear,
that hope, that courage and I could never thank you enough. I want only to be
able to survive this in one piece.
Iíve no answers for you,
or for myself, even. I know I told you one thing but at the end of the day I
just couldnít picture myself there, with you, watching you with everyone and
feeling so out of place, so separated from everything that makes me feel close
and at peace with you.
Without that feeling, †I am lost. I can sit here and fight these
feelings and reassure you with words but nothing is ever that simple, and I
You have your life,
your friends, and Iím ready to accept I donít belong in it. †