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07/01 Direct Link
The time we have together just never seems like enough.  We drove down that road until the buildings disappeared, your hand close to mine, the dry Southwest wind blowing on our faces. We talked, laughed, had periods of silence in which I wanted to scream and hide. By the time we were at the restaurant, sitting, I felt both like puking and jumping with joy.

He always said, “picture her naked, it’ll make it easier” but it only makes things so much worse.

I am aware that I am shameless, but this lust just grows stronger, and never grows old.
07/02 Direct Link
It was never that I felt incomplete without her, but rather that she made every day seem so much easier.  She’d disappear for days, sometimes even weeks, but in the end would always return, knocking softly on my window. She did so even after we both had cell phones. There was just something exhilarating for her in it, for the both of us, really, about the way she’d quietly sneak in through my backyard, jump the fence if mother happened to lock it that night, knock on my window, climb in  and cling to me under the covers until morning.
07/03 Direct Link

I didn’t expect you to know, didn’t expect you to change. Yet, I would have liked to elicit some sort of response from you, other than a long, hard stare, followed by a cold and sharp, “really, and how the hell do YOU know?”  Oh, how horrible it is to be trapped between two people! – trapped between to loves, between two loyalties, between two thoughts. I never wanted to be caught here, what kind of crazy person ever would?

 I only ever wanted to help you, you know. I only ever wanted to make peace between the both of you.

07/04 Direct Link
I was only a little drunk – spinning high up in the air, laughing as I held onto her arm, listening to her screaming at her girlfriend on the other end of the phone.  I didn’t want to go so high up, didn’t want to be turned upside down and shaken from side to side and didn’t want to be an accomplice in breaking anyone’s heart.

I only wanted to see the lights, close my eyes and hear the loud, popping sounds. I put up with your loudness, your insults, because I wanted so badly to feel small and meaningless again.

07/05 Direct Link
Her way with women is not an honorable one. Got no job? You’re out of the question.  Hate drama? Better get used to it, because that is what at least 60% of this relationship will involve. She’ll wrap you in, tightly, around her finger, with her fingers, her mouth, her soft kisses on your neck, then torture you with constant breakups and days of ignoring.  She’ll act as if she hates it when you call her over and over while she rejects your calls, or answers only to tell you, NO SHE CAN’T TALK NOW, WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
07/06 Direct Link
This is my tragedy, you are my tragedy. The knot in my stomach when you’re near me, my own pathetic inability to reach out in the moment, grab your arm, kiss you hard like I’ve wanted since the day you wore that gown and that flower in your hair.  I know it’s complicated, I know if I ever let myself do what I’ve been burning to do I’d only ruin us.

S and A tell me that I need to grow some balls already, but I just can’t. I choose to cling to what little bit of you I have.
07/07 Direct Link
I didn’t mean for this to feel so awkward, I never meant to write so much, speak so little. Never thought I’d show such a part of myself to someone and feel so close to them, yet so terrified of them, so self-conscious around them. I never thought I would be grieving over loss half my life.

“Well, you can’t always have you want."

And that is why I do not even try to give this a shot. It’s why I am taking a step back, why I don’t let myself get too carried away on those lonely, shaky nights.
07/08 Direct Link
“Can I please, please make you my bride?”

 It is always the moments that I think about, it is always the feelings that I remember strongest, but it is the little things, things like this, the notes scrawled messily on torn pieces of paper and folded up, neatly and tightly, and the quick, awkward drawings on random papers and items, that hurt the worst. Perhaps it is because how quickly and sudden they appear, how out of nowhere they seem to come to life, shake me up, at the most inopportune times.

 I would have, you know? I would have.  

07/09 Direct Link
I never came here, came to you, seeking a cure, just reassurance. Your arms around me, your head on my shoulder, kissing my cheeks, asking me to stay a while – I never could, not after the way you turned your back on me, long ago, saying “I don’t fucking need you.”  I knew you were right.

 I’ve admitted I was wrong. I admitted the terrible person that I was. I have paid for what I did to you, for taking that lovely heart of yours for granted. I have paid for letting you believe that I loved you the most.

07/10 Direct Link
I think the biggest differences between you and me are the same differences between me and her: I am a coward, while you are brave. I am terrified of being alone while you can appreciate the joy of the independence that comes with it. You can walk into a room, stir up a crowd, make jokes, make many friends, and I will simply sit there and hope to be unnoticed –a million thoughts an hour, but no words to say.  

I learned long ago that he was right all along:  I am difficult to like, and even harder to love.

07/11 Direct Link

It was always so easy, for you to come here, sit, shake, scream. Tears and snot running down your face while you begged me to stay, to please not give you away

It has never been that simple; you have never been that simple. You never understood her or me fully, always caught between your love for her and love for yourself. One way or the other, you'd make her yours, but always on your terms.

What makes you the angriest was that she didn't say goodbye. You don't care that she did it, but that she didn't say goodbye.

07/12 Direct Link

“Listen up, kid, listen up.”

I never did. Always staring off into the distance, hands shaking, hoping to be somewhere else, imagining it was someone else's cigarette smoke flying into my mouth and eyes. I never meant any disrespect, you know, just wanted so badly to get the fuck out of there.

I hope you didn't take it personally, it was never about you, always about him, and knowing that the longer I stayed there the higher my chances of encountering him, and the higher my chances of a long, painful night.


I just wanted some peace of mind.


07/13 Direct Link
There has never been a more graceful rejection. Initially, it was not so. Initially there were quite many tears, a despondent journal entry, a rash phone call. Initially, the world was falling apart, exploding, ending. 

But that sort of thing hardly ever happens quietly. Soon, she was there, asking if my mood was related to her letter, though she already knew the answer.

“Lovers are temporary,” she said, and I know she is right, that this is worth more than that. And the moment she said “I will never leave you”, I knew everything was going to be all right.

07/14 Direct Link

I admitted something to her that I hadn’t admitted to anyone in a long, long time.  It’d been an even longer time since I’d actually spoken about it. Sure, I wrote it a few times, mailed that deep dark past of mine to complete strangers. She always used to say that things as vile as that need to be shared, or else they will rot you inside. I’m not sure I believe the consequences would be that extreme, but it is definitely a huge relief to know that I have shared this with someone I love, and that she understands.

07/15 Direct Link

“Forget S, you already know everything there is to know about her.

She’s right, I know it. It is just so impossibly difficult to let go. It goes back, partly, to this fucked up, endless, miserable guilt. The guilt that holds me back, keeps me here, tied, pathetic. The guilt that makes it all too easy to cling to this dreary life, and so difficult to pursue happiness.

 Surely, all these years must count for something. Surely I couldn’t just walk away, ignore you, never let you make me feel like shit again.

 What is it that I owe you?

07/16 Direct Link

Some lovely evening this is, she said.

It always mattered to her the way it never mattered to us, darling. Always with her head lifted high, a glass or bottle in one hand, cell phone in the other, waiting anxiousl, just wanting to be liked, loved, perhaps even acknowledged. She said you showed her something inside her she never knew existed –something beautiful, raw, incomplete and full of life she’d never seen.

I say that thing only existed in her when you were with her. I say she was only beautiful when you made her so, never on her own.

07/17 Direct Link

It was never about love with you. It was always so completely about power –pulling her toward you, holding her throat against the wall, demanding answers, demanding loyalty. Her body was yours, you always said, to touch and kiss and give to the world, if you so desired. She never did know how to get away, never understood what she had done that the others hadn't.

And you, sitting in that blue chair, laughed while she fell so completely apart, the needles still in her arms, a bottle resting against your lips, a wad of cash in your pants.

07/18 Direct Link

Such a filthy place for such a pretty feeling. Such a bright place for such a dark thing to happen. Her hands on my waist, her lips on my neck, my nails on her back, both of us breathing hard, barely interested in air, not caring that any minute he could be just a few steps away.

I loved her in that moment for the things she did to me, for the courage she had to follow me, slip in that stall with me, kiss me hard. I loved her in that moment, for knowing what I wanted all along.

07/19 Direct Link
It was a moment of clarity for her.  It couldn’t work, not like this, not the miles and miles of gas, the long, hot waits in line, and the short, expensive phone calls. “I need stability,” she said, “consistency.” We agreed for her sake, endured the heat with her when she went and broke his heart, and then watched her as she drank herself away, and stood by when she buried herself in God until she forgot his name.

Patrick.  He loved her, four kids and all. He would have given her the world if it only belonged to him.
07/20 Direct Link

Sexuality is complicated. None of the people I've loved have ever made it any easier. I can't for the life of me figure out what this turmoil is inside me, or how to find an answer to it. 

Will i ever overcome this? Who knows. Really, who knows. I dream of it, yes, i dream of finally being free of this,. i dream of doing wild things, of having courage to take a risk, and of one day being completely happy, completely at peace. But i don't thin it's unreasonable to consider the possibility that that may actually never happen.

07/21 Direct Link

Even after we lost most of what we had in common, we remained friends out of convenience, and even though we spent pretty much every lunch together, we never talked the way real friends talked. We never liked each other the way real friends liked each other. You found it funny when I felt awkward, or nervous, and found humor in my misery. I grew frustrated with you, and thought you were an irresponsible idiot. We never talked to each other about our passions, broken hearts, long nights. This was OK with me. This has always been OK with me

07/22 Direct Link

I was only a kid when i loved her, but i really did. She was my neighbor, we did almost everything together. We played house, played little people, went bike riding and rollerskating, everything. She often stayed over at my place and we'd stay up all night talking and playing and watching movies. It really was a happy time in my life. It felt wrong to love her because i knew that she was the straightest girl i'd ever met. i shouldn't have loved her because it was unfair to her, and because in the end it destroyed our friendship.

07/23 Direct Link
Fill these pages up, someday. You will, I know you will the same way I know that the sun provides heat: I feel it in my bones. You were the only thing I never stopping having faith in, this place was the only place I never felt out of place in. Even after all the doctors and preachers, even after their promises that I would wake up to something different –  they were never able to pull it out of me.

My time here is limited. They’ll find me soon, better run along.

Thank you for the life you gave me.

07/24 Direct Link

i resent a lot. i resent the unfairness in the way you raised my brother versus the way you raised me. i resent the fact that you’ve said many hurtful things to me in the past, and i resent that you gave me very little room to have fun, or to express my creativity and openly get to know myself, develop a personality, beliefs, and so on. so much of it had to be done in secret. i also resent the fact that a large part of your parenting style involved fear.

I love you, but you fucked me up.

07/25 Direct Link

“Your skin is so soft”.

Nothing else matters in this moment. Frustration, guilt, anger, anxiety, loneliness – none of it matters. Who I am, what I do outside of here, outside of you, is irrelevant, just like where you've been and where you'll be when we leave each other. When our lips separate, our bodies detach, when our laughter is no longer in sync.

I'll miss you when you're gone, but I probably won't think of you that often. After all, how can I be expected to keep track of every one of these moments, these faces, these bodies?

07/26 Direct Link

It's a lot of work – loving someone like that. Giving up every part of what you were is a necessity, to which he easily complied. Nobody ever loved more than he does. It is a mystery why. It shouldn’t bother me as much as it does, but there is something terribly unsettling about such a nice, pleasant human being loving such a wretched one. Yes, wretched. Her own words, years before, when she sought to elicit sympathy from me, guilt. She succeeded then, and to this day I wish I'd told her to just fuck off and walked away.

07/27 Direct Link

I need courage, and the ability to not give a shit about hurting someone. I am tired of you making me feel like shit. I am tired of your whiny voice and little devastating, depressive episodes and of making a huge deal out of everything. I am fucking exhausted of your unreasonableness. I am tired of everything revolving around you, goddammit. I am a person too. I matter, too, even if you don't seem to give a damn.

I am going to try to gather up the courage to do what I need to do to get away from you.


07/28 Direct Link

One.
One more year of this hallway, this desk, those creaky doors. One more year of the security guard getting up and smacking the doors back into place after some idiot fails to notice the button on the wall and instead attempts to manually open the door. One more year of that stubborn door lock and that old mailbox . One more year of community kitchens, reading periods, late nights at the Reg, 171, Cob coffee shop. One more year before I need to decide what in the hell I'm going to do with my life.

Less than that, really.

07/29 Direct Link

I was not expecting an apology, or an understanding, or even a fucking change of mind. I just wanted acknowledgment, just a short reply would have been enough. Instead, you're going on and on and my head is starting to pulse, ears are starting to warm and the frustration is beginning to build in my chest.

You have always been so good at letting me forget that I matter. You have always been so good at making me feel that unsettling, burning frustration that makes me want to both cry and punch your face at the same time.

Someday, maybe.

07/30 Direct Link

A sturdy balcony, a state I'd never thought I'd be in, their voices in the window arguing. I swear I heard my name.. I hear his hushed, deep, whispers, her whiny replies. She has always sworn this world revolves around her, has demanded him to change his to do so as well. There won't be many days here, you know, there isn't much more time left. For some reason or another, she is upset, and he is in there with her, trying his best, while I enjoy one cigarette after the other, the low music and the cool, inebriating air.

07/31 Direct Link

Your love is somewhat twisted. I know my loyalty is not supposed to be to him but I would be the first to admit that he deserves better. He deserves a relationship, not a dictatorship. He deserves someone to laugh with him and appreciate his good humor and jokes instead of causing an overly dramatic argument over them. He deserves someone who will do anything in their power so that the financial responsibilities don't all fall on him. You've got him tied around your finger because somehow he's come to believe that he could never do any better.

He can.