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Iím giving this another shot. Not because I miss it (although I do) nor because I think Iíve experienced some sort of life-changing event that has left me inspired and motivated (because I havenít), but simply because today I realized that I do indeed believe in second chances. With some exceptions because there are
Life isnít what it was, of course. After all, how could it be the same after more than a year? Iím not that lucky nor that cursed.
This is a better place than the one before, though, and I try not to forget that.
Despite what I try to tell myself, I cannot rid myself of the aching feeling that arises in my chest every single time I have to sit there and listen to them and pretend that I am one of them. Itís simple: Iím not. I never tried to be and it wasnít because I was afraid of failing, but because I simply knew it would never work out. Is that so wrong? She used to say the responsibility fell on me, for never trying hard enough, but is it really so hard to believe that some things I just
The walls here are thinner than theyíve ever been anywhere before. The funny thing is, no one is really conscious of it. I can hear every single time that my neighbors use the bathroom because I hear the flushing, and sometimes (though not always), the sink.
This kind of stuff is private! So I thought. I try not to think that they, too, can hear me. They probably donít, though, because after a while you learn to tune this sort of thing out. After all, no one likes to know every time their neighbor uses the bathroom.
Except for me.
There was rain today, and people running around the city with umbrellas and raincoats trying to avoid puddles. Today, I was not one of those people. I moved through the sidewalks slowly, half-dancing and half-walking, letting the rain fall on me and letting my feet step into whatever puddles came my way. I may have stayed outside for hours if the rain hadnít stopped, but eventually it did so I finally came inside and changed into some dry clothes.
Nothing is really clear still, and things may not be fully OK, but today I began to feel like myself again.
Weíre ridiculous, they say, but we donít give a damn. Thatís what keeps us alive and well Ė the fact that weíre just too fucking disillusioned and apathetic to give a damn about what they say anymore. Really, weíve got better things to worry about, like the fact that the world is crumbling to pieces below our very feet. They keep telling us everythingís going to be OK and that it will all fix itself, but their words are worth shit to us now.
As for me? Iím preparing for an uprising. Maybe even a war. Neither would surprise me anymore.
She asks, "What day would you choose to re-live, if God gave you the power to?"
I tell her Iíd choose the day I met S and we walked to the lake in the freezing cold and talked. From the moment I hugged him I knew he was going to mean a lot to me for a very long time. It was an amazing night, and we did so much talking and drank so much alcohol and bonded with so few words and it was just wonderful. Yes.
And no, I donít believe God would ever grant me this again.
There is no way to explain to her how sorry I am, but what I keep in mind is that I am not to blame for what happened. Neither of us is. It was always more a matter of
and even in some ways
than actual friendship. No one to blame here, Iíve found this happens sometimes. Iíve also found that things have a great way of fixing themselves.
Still, the more time goes by, the more you begin to remember a person for the times they were good to you and the times they made you happy.
You may have never been there on the nights mother and I fought, and you may have never been there on the days when everything seemed hopeless. You may have never known my favorite color or even the name of my teachers or best friends. You may have never known what any of my hobbies were, but I like to think that somehow, in your own way, you still loved me Ė if not for knowing me, then at least for who I was Ė your child.
But I've no right to judge you, and even if I did, I never would.
Listening to him speak and watching his eyes light up as he does so only makes me feel more nostalgic for the days when I felt that passionate about
. Iím not sure if itís college or just growing up in general, but something is sucking the life out of me. It has been for a while now.
They say this is the perfect age to find yourself and be free, yet neither of those seems to be true for me. Just the opposite, really.
I feel like every day I become more and more of a captive to fear.
if I tried hard enough. I could be a scientist. We all could, all that it takes is a little discipline and determination. If I wanted, I could spend my life studying black holes and galaxies or the millions of complexities within our very own bodies.
I, however, am not willing to give up the things Iíd have to give up to accomplish this. Maybe Iím too lazy, and maybe Iím just a bit afraid, because Iíve learned that if you let yourself think too much about things like the concept of light, itís enough to make you go mad.
She lay with me that night and waited until I was almost asleep before saying, "Whiskey was his favorite drink." I do not wonder how she knew Ė I'm sure there was a time and place where she could have found out a thing like that. I'm sure so many things were different back then. After all, she knew you both before your communication was reduced to nothing more than the weekly child-visitations you were entitled to.
Maybe you loved mother then, and hell, maybe you still do. Even after all these years, I still never really found out the truth.
There you go, getting caught up in all those damn insignificant details and technicalities and here I am screaming at you again that none of that matters.
None of it.
I try to get this point across but Iím beginning to see that you just donít care enough. Still, you need to learn to take it a little easier --- one day at a time. And you need to learn to identify with these people if your plan is to help them --- but it doesnít matter to you that you might as well not speak the same language
The only sound that ever came out of her mouth while sitting in those classes was laughter. She hid her face behind her long hair and stared unbelievingly. They told her "believe this, believe this or rot for eternity!" and she couldnít stop laughing.
Fools, fucking fools.
And even though she always felt better than them, she envies them Ė sitting in their big houses sipping their $6 coffees and teas while she spends every night in her tiny room with that deep hunger in her stomach.
She may have never given in, but nights like this she wishes she had.
"Thereís a bird on your chest, you know." He looked down. So there was. Something struck him as odd about this, but he couldn't quite figure it out.
Do birds not normally sit on people's chests?
He hadnít the slightest idea. Itíd been too long Ė heíd been gone from here and them for far too long.
I should have regrets about this, he thought,
but somehow he couldnít get himself to take any of it seriously.
He'd lived a good life, and he knew it. He may have missed a few moments but he knew heíd made the right choice.
This moment, too, shall pass, and despite of whatever attempt I make at capturing It, I will never be fully able to. So instead, I close my eyes, have another drink, and another, and try to forget that tomorrow I will return to restraints and responsibilities. In the car, we have three more drinks each in the backseat and when we finally arrive, everything and everyone is beautiful.
Then there is dancing and screaming and hugging and jumping and even, a few times, some tears. Before long, we're eating tacos and talking about how we wish tonight could last forever.
Is it so wrong not to care about any of this anymore? Who knows where my motivation went. I used to think that as you grew older, things only became clearer and we'd all somehow just be hit by this sudden and obvious realization of what we were meant to do, who we were meant to be, where we were meant to go Ė an epiphany of sorts.
But it's been years now, and counting, and I still am not closer to this clarity than I was ten years ago. In some ways, you could even say I'm actually further away.
Let's talk. No,no, let's sit here in absolutely quiet and peace and pretend weíre far away in that land we've left behind. The place we will never return to Ė the buildings and the trees and the people we will never see or touch again. Letís close our eyes and try to imagine ourselves years from now, once time has done what it does best and we finally feel safe and content.
Yes, let's sit here and pretend that this is our place, and that someday we will no longer feel as if we have left all that we were behind.
Iíve no idea how I made it through Winter last year without going absolutely mad. Maybe it was the new love. Yes, new love makes everything easier. Donít get me wrong though Ė the love is still going strong, but neither one of us can deny that the initial intensity of the spark has gone. Or more like, transformed. I like to think that with time, we exchange that initial feeling of butterflies and constant glee for that feeling of trust and true friendship; for that feeling of really knowing someone, and being able to be yourself with them every day.
"He completes me."
Bullshit. I hate statements like this because even though they have become clichť and romanticized, in reality what they imply is that without someone else, you are not a whole and complete person of your own. This is not romantic Ė itís pathetic. Call it whatever you may, it is still just sad to say this.
In realiy, you
a person of your own before him, and I think you know that. In fact, I think this is just a survival tactic for you Ė convince yourself that you need him so you wonít up and leave him.
We could wait around until someone finally realized how such important parts of us are dying, but let's not be idealistic now Ė we both know the slim odds of that ever happening. There is no one to blame for this Ė somehow, someway we've all become just a little too preoccupied with ourselves and distant from each other. So we will either take it upon ourselves to save what little life there is left in us, or we'll give in to the apathy that has been slowly consuming us little by little throughout our lifetime.
Who knows what we will become.
You wonít reject her. You may lecture her, you may grunt at her and roll your eyes, but you will never reject her. How could you? Sheís everything you never thought youíd have.
Just like in the movies
, you said, and you held her hand through each and every single long night, even knowing that sheíd been in the arms of another just before.
None of it mattered. None of it ever matters when you think this is your only choice, your only chance.
Now or never
, you say.
And you donít see me here wishing youíd change your mind.
A year ago today I was a different person, and the world seemed to be a different place. No, the world
a different place. He didn't only burst into my life and change my perspective, but my whole reality. He's what I needed all along.
Let's not think about all the time I wasted on that unrequited, impossible love. Let's not think about all the nights I spent trying to make someone hopeless fall in love with me.
No, let's only think about how one year ago today, all of that began to change, and it has been great.
She comes up to me today with a sick child in her arms coughing and another one tugging at her hand, and she asked for some information on assistance. I felt so sad and guilty like I always do, except that this time after I told her I didn't know and gave her the usual spill, I went through the Project Health files on the computer and printed out some list of employment and financial resources for her that I found in there and went back up to her and gave them to her quietly.
And it felt damn good.
Oh hello, sometimes I forget you existÖJust kidding just kidding just KIDDING, don't let your feelings get all hurt now! Earlier I was like, "oh shit son...oh, oh SNAP!" and now I am drinking diet coke while I pretend that people actually want to be my friend instead of just use me. Seven minutes later and I'm still flying, goddamn. And I can't believe I said that when and where I did.
Also, seriously? SERIOUSLY I FINISHED ALREADY? Yes. Now I wish I was in the suburbs drinking White Russians like a high-class lady with my lover at my side.
You expect me to sit around, while you go out and try to save the world? We were supposed to be in this together, all of us, all
of us. I suppose it's easy to forget that, though, when you think of how little we can do and how little anyone will notice.
, you say, trying to act like the hero again Ė saving me the effort, saving me the disappointment, saving me the inevitable finale.
But I cannot be idle: you may still see me as a child, but I have become so much more than that.
Five years gone and more are still going, going,
. We never expected any more or any less than we were given, but we used to look up at the sky and beg for one more hour,
. And now, who have we become?
The person we never thought we would become.
Thought the person,
never would we become we.
We become the person we would never thought.
We never thought we would become the person.
We would become the person we never thought.
We the thought would never become person, we.
We thought the person we would never become.
Itís easy to say "never" and even easier to say "forever", but that isn't how life works, kid. You better get your shit together or risk ending up just like him. There are consequences to that lifestyle, it's not all fun and games (is it ever?). And he likes to make us all think heís got it all figured out, but you weren't there the nights he climbed into my window, his shirt dripping with his own tears, begging me to make it all go away, if even for one minute.
No, thatís no way to live your life, kid.
There is no sunlight here, and there is little light, but somehow I get by and survive, somehow I actually
. None of this makes sense, I know, but somehow Iíve found a way to deal Ė I stumbled upon a way to adjust. No, I
a way to adjust. Isnít this, after all, one of the greatest powers they say we humans have? Weíre not even aware of it half the time!
And when things get hopeless they tell us, "hold your head up, carry on, youíll find a way."
And I never knew they could be so right.
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