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10/01 Direct Link
Wow.Where to begin here? I wasn't sure how to approach this, and I'm still not. Will I write stream of consciousness-style, or will I write journal-style? What about story-style, with many images of beautiful things and terrible internal conflict? Most likely, I will just continue to ramble for a month and reveal way too much of myself for people to read (as if anybody will) and judge. It's kind of interesting, this idea. And I'm sure that, however I do it, I will be a better writer in the end. And maybe I will type better at last!
10/02 Direct Link
There is a mountain of emotion inside me. Today, I had to say goodbye to the girl that I love more than anything in the world. It was so tough, and I threw up before I did it. There has never been anything that I have dreaded so much in my whole life. I hope to god that it isn't the end. I don't think that it will be because there is way too much of a connection between us. I have confidence in this, but for now I cannot endure the situation. Her being with someone else,without me.
10/03 Direct Link
Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken.
10/04 Direct Link
Everything is in its right place I think. Things are a lot lighter than yesterday. The girl I love is either totally with me or totally gone. I hope that it's the former, but whichever it is, it's a lot better than the hobbible limbo that has been going on forever. I love everything right now because I am light, like air. I am looking so forward to everything up ahead, and I will hopefully spend the rest of these days writing good, funny stories in here. Yes. It is time for good things for all. Especially me and that Kymberly.
10/05 Direct Link
I am writing to cleanse myself from everything. I want to be free. Free from it all. This is how I do it. I am furious and feverish. I want more than anything to expunge all of this from inside of me and start new. Everything about love, about her, I must resolve it. So this is what it's like? Interesting. Perhaps I am just a novice, but I know that this was the most pleasurable, and most painful, ride of my life thus far. What happens from here? Probably more of the same, with her. Of course, who knows?
10/06 Direct Link
I'm not sure what to do at this point. I suppose I will surrender, even though everything inside of me tells me that what I feel will work, and is right. Perhaps I will hold on to this and tuck it away somewhere, for a rainy day, and stop making everyone hear my tale of the girl that I love. One day things will work out the way they should, the way that I believe they should be. Has anyone ever been so happy whilst in so much pain? She makes me smile, even when I'm hurt. Now that's love!
10/07 Direct Link
Big Neon Glitter! I love to listen to the Cult whilst I chat with my co-worker. I will hear him chuckle from across the room when he reads what I've said. I am funny. I must write funny things for people. I must thank the girl of my dreams for this realization. It was her that inspired me to do this, even if she won't take credit. All of this exhausts me, but I am on the right track I believe. With writing, with her, with it all. I must keep going with this. I am true of heart. Indeed!
10/08 Direct Link
Blah blah blah. I've decided, with the help of my friend Christine, that I need to take a trip. Where, I don't know. I know that I need to get away though. I can't wait. I'm thinking New Orleans now, but who knows. I need my money. I need my honey. I need my Kym and what she gives me. I need to escape all of this and be free. Computers, movies, books, words, feelings, heartbreak, this oozing, gushing feeling of love for that woman, all of it, I need a break. I still have a dream. It's of her.
10/09 Direct Link
It's all for not. All of it. When I think about these things, and how easily they are forgotten, I have to ask myself why I'm so eager to devote myself. Seemingly, I am meaningless and can be erased quickly. Is it always that way, with everyone, everything? I don't know how to live in a world where nothing is important, or the importance of things wears off. How can that ever happen? I want it all to be meaningful, and to have that meaning last.I love the world. I love people in it. I love her. And myself.
10/10 Direct Link
I'm tired of all of this. THis nonsense. I am not looked upon as a friend, but rather an element of convenience. There is no way that I will tolerate this any longer. I am all about me from here on in. Me! That's right, I will write and write. I do it better when I'm angry! I will win. I will be the one who shines brightly. Yes. I have direction, and vision.Soon, the world will know me, and they will approve. They will say "You, you're a good guy. We like you a lot.Yes we do."
10/11 Direct Link
I don't know what to write anymore. It is all coming together in a way that I have no control over. This is my brain using me as a conduit, a courier, but not letting me know what's in the box. It's weird, and I kind of like it. I like the way things come out, and say nothing at all, but I do not stop typing until I run out of room. I wish it could go on forever, but, alas, I am limited to one hundred words today, so I will try again tomorrow.
10/12 Direct Link
I will run to the place where all is fine and I am loved by someone. I enjoy love and I enjoy running. Unless, of course, this place is far away, in which case I cannot run the entire distance because of my asthma. I will walk briskly though, to this magical land. I'm sure that it'sw right here, if I open myself up to the possibilities. Yes, that's got to be right. Ah, yes, the idea is wonderful. I think that it is time. Perhaps I love myself and my concentration will cause the secretion of this onto all.
10/13 Direct Link
I'm a bit scared now. Not because of love, or because of lack of it, but because of anthrax. And, while the band Anthrax is kind of scary, I'm not talking about them either. I'm talking about all of the cases of the disease that are starting to pop up around the nation. I'm sure that I'm not going to get it, but the potential for this is a lot greater than a plane that I'm on hitting a building. We can't live in fear though. We must live each day to it's fullest, in case it is our last.
10/14 Direct Link
I don't really know what is going to happen to me from here. I know that there are things that I want, and things that I want ot do, but when others are involved, how much control do I really have. Do I ever have it? I guess the only option is to work my ass off, doing what I want to do, and going after what I want, and if it works, great, but if not, I will keep on going, trying. Yes. This must be the way. I am deathly affraid of ending up in a routine. NO!
10/15 Direct Link
Every day, I fool myself with hope. There is never the promise of it, but I tell myself that things will work out the way that I want them to. I should know by now that I am doomed when it comes to this situation. The only way that I will win is to replace it with a better one. That is what I will do. I can only take so much nonsense and indecision, or poor decisions. I jumped into the river. Black eyed angel swam with me.And then, she swam away,, always looking back, but still going.
10/16 Direct Link
Oh how clear things are when you change your perspective. I mean, I am still completely retarded for the girl that all of this is about, but there is only so much that one can do when the other party isn't sure about it. Hey, I'm all about writing and doing good things. I cannot waste my time going over the same situations again and again, offering the right advice, and then having to reiterate it again a week later. Is that productive? Nope. I will take my own advice and do my thing, not concerning myself with weird situations.
10/17 Direct Link
I am feeling better about things. Mostly, it's because I am forgetting. As much as I don't want to, I guess I have to. It is such a terrible feeling, defeat. I've not felt it to terribly often. Normally, when I want something, I can get it. Maybe that's because I don't ask for too much. When I do though, with things like this, it is monumental. That is a bit frightening. All of this is. Who knows what will happen from here on in. I will just open myself up and see what comes my way I suppose, maybe.
10/18 Direct Link
I am going back, adding the missing pieces to this month's entries. I cannot believe that a month is almost up, and I've written every day except two so far. It is a good feeling to be able to look at three thousand one hundred words that I have spewed. A body of work that is far more than I've ever created in the past. I like the feeling of being forced to work. Some say it's unnatural, but I need the motivation, becasue I am lazy. I hope that this will carry on when November rolls around. It must!!!!
10/19 Direct Link
Writing every day is necessity. If I don't do this, what else do I have. Well, there is always pining, but I do that when I write too. That is a given. As writing should be!I am atttempting to write a review of a Vincent Gallo cd, and I hope it goes well. I need to be published so badly. I know that I have what it takes. My writing is good. My inspiration, well, she may be gone forever, but I must find a new muse, and I will write something amazing. I will be what I want!
10/20 Direct Link
I can feel myself longing, especially when I get a call, and I've tried to forget. Now, it is fresh. The new feeling only lasts for a short while, but it's there nonetheless. I must extinguish it, and make myself clean from her allure. It is hard, because of what I feel, but it is a must for all. I have made people listen to me, and now, through writing, I must give them the option. Hopefully, my writing will strike in such a way that there really is NO option. But that is very optimistic for me right now.
10/21 Direct Link
I cannot even begin to understand my feelings. And I cannot begin to understand why they are seen by everyone but the one person that needs to see them. I say needs, but really, I'm completely wrong. She needs nothing of this, and wants nothing of this. I am the fool here. It is me. I keep hanging on, waiting, hoping, for something that will never come. I am foolish for doing this, but I want her so badly. I can't wait to look back on all of this writing and laugh at it. That's what usually happens with this.
10/22 Direct Link
I want to run a way from all of this, this pain, this longing, and fly into a world that is easy and not a reminder of the girl that I will never have. I need to go and find a place like that so that I can be full of life and not the sadness that consumes me now. I don't know of a place like that which can exist with me in it. I am the source of all of this. I am the conduit for all of this. It is in my head, in my heart. It
10/23 Direct Link
does not exist outside of these cavernous places. How can it be that I am so full of emotion, and yet I am completely hollow? Does everyone feel things like this? It is so fucking hard, and the one person that I want to understand this, has no inclinataion to do so. Why can I not get some sort of magic thing, like a ball, or a witch, and make this happen for me? It must, but it never will. I will never taste the fruits of my efforts with her.I'm sorry to say. I am not man enough.
10/24 Direct Link
I must completely focus on writing from now on. I can be great, if I can muster up the motivation, and not be side-tracked with love or any other nonsense. Not that love is nonsense. I mean, I feel it, and it is an awesome force, but when not reciprocated, it can be rather exhausting, and side-tracking. For now, I'm putting that aside. The girl I love isn't in love with me, so I will accept it and focus on my craft. I will be great.Now is the time for me to be my best and live.
10/25 Direct Link
All of these entries, when I look back, are going to be about longing and love that I have for a girl. I need to do this project another month so that I can write about something else. I don't mind writing about her, but I really need to let that situation take whatever form it is going to take, and focus on other things. I will write fiction in here next time. Heh, not that my silly ideas about being loved by this girl aren't fiction already! But that is neither here nor there at this point.We shall see.
10/26 Direct Link
All of this, this writing, has made me become more in touch with myself I think. That was the goal, to personalize myself, to introduce me to me, and like what I see. What I've discovered so far is that I have been in love, but my confidence with that lacks becasue I feel that I am not good enough for this particular creature. I will, however, keep going, and try to write more, to create as much as I can. It is a distant second to her, but if I work hard, maybe I can engulf myself, and forget.
10/27 Direct Link
Not much longer, and all of this will be done. I will be able to look back and regain perspective on my life. I hope that all of my time has not been wasted. Not with this writing, but with everything else. The writing is all I've got now. It's what I need to stick with, becasue without it, I will have lost everything. Then what is left? I know that I am dramatic, but I've given so much of myself, and now everything else is gone. I will give myself, more, to writing. Then I will know my place.
10/28 Direct Link
Everybody thought this would be easy, to write one hundred words every day, everyone but me. I saw it as a torturous look at my insides, and I was right. I worried about what I would find out. Everybody else that thought it would be easy didn't have the discipline or the motivation to even try it. At least they knew, right off, about themselves. I think that I am working on that as well, but I have a long way to go. All I know at this point is that I long for a girl, and that I write.
10/29 Direct Link
I feel like a stranger on this planet. I have bad dreams about my fear of inadequacy in many areas.They haunt my walking hours, and I realize that this is one of the reasons why things are not working out according to plan. All of this writing is growth, away from the self-loathing. Not that I hate myself by any means, I think that I am a great person, but have a fear of things.A fear that I cannot live up to what people want me to be, and that is why they are always leaving me.
10/30 Direct Link
I want to run away, to exorcise these things that I feel.There is so much built up inside thatI want to scream. All of these things that have happened, and all during the month that I got to write about it. I feel like a period of my life could be over, and now I am left with the same thing that I had before it. That wasn't where I wanted to be. Now, the prospect that I had hoped to get is all but gone, and I must start again. I want to stay, but she doesn't.
10/31 Direct Link
So, this is it. Ground zero. THink of all that we've accomplished. I can't believe I went a month, writing every day, and producing something. I know it's all crazy neurotic babble, but I feel different, somehow. Like a new person. There;s a long way to go, but I'm working hard, and I am changing. WAKING LIFE helped. My persprctive changed so much this month. I know that I must do my work. I AM IN LOVE, but it will not work out it seems. She does not love me. I will carry on.I feel I'm gonna make it.