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"I'm no fool no sireee." In the news today all you heard about was what people were doing to each other and one radio show that has been having big trouble with some of their content actually pretended their show was cancelled and had many people up in arms. I liked that one. They were hot to complain big time for what had happened to their favorite drive to work program. I guess it shows us all we need to keep a good sense of humor. I am not sure where this holiday came from but we should keep it.
My newfound brother is quite the guy. I was raised with one brother but he died at thirty-six and then a few years later I found I had a half brother who located the balance of the children in the simplest way. The yellow pages. And with a last name like Brown. He looks a little like my father, whose child he is and we had heard rumors about along the way. He was ecstatic to find he had three sisters. We met about fours years ago and he and his wife have come here and I have gone there.
He seemed like a great guy and still is, but the honeymoon is over and we now find him to be one of those. What? It is hard to describe. He is a bit of a martyr, a little on the cheap side, but overall not a bad guy. It just seems to have faded out more or less. I guess we needed more history together. He can't relate to our background and yet he is a brother. He doesn't seem interested and it seems he should be. I guess overall it is a good thing. I guess it is.
She spends too much time trying to make him jealous. I am trying to figure out why. The theory I have is that she thinks it secures her in the relationship by keeping him on his toes. I think that only works so long and it a dangerous game. I especially find it uncomfortable when we are talking on the phone and she goes off the subject totally because he walked by and throws in something like, " Yeah he called again but I told him I‘m with someone else." How ridiculous is that? This is no child doing this.
Today was the time change took effect and you should see the people yawning everywhere you go. It is amazing what an hour can do in your life. It makes me stop to think how important an hour can become. I have heard tragic stories about what people could if they could take back certain hours in their life. I know I have a few myself. Like the hour my mother was dying. I would have never let her have the surgery. She wanted to have better quality to her last years so she took her shot. She didn't win.
When you meet people in life it's unusual for me when I cannot figure them out in a relatively short time. I am fortunate that I can usually peg someone right off the bat and seldom in the past am I wrong. I almost feel it is a deficit instead of a blessing. I have met a person that I cannot quite figure out so naturally I am stumped. I think overall she is a good person but maybe with just a rough exterior and mouth. This is one of those rare moments you have to wait for the results.
I am becoming my parents. I have started to notice it more and more in the last few years. Things I say, think, things I remember as well. Easter is approaching and I am thinking of my mother so much more. I keep getting this picture of an Easter sunrise service long ago. It was cold and I was very young, maybe five, and I was complaining through the whole thing. I think I am the only one out of the four she made get up and go. I just know she was practically begging me to behave. I wouldn't.
He isn't speaking to me again it seems. You can never be sure through e-mail. We have not written constantly for a long time but stay in touch as old friends do. I have probably done something, or more likely said something he doesn't approve of once again. This is the way it is handled after thirty some years of this relationship. I want to know what is wrong and likely never will and he prefers to ignore it and me as he always did. I guess that is a big reason we've been divorced much longer than ever married.
He feeds that child constantly. She is over weight and has been for a few years now. I used to talk to him about it. He was always appreciative of the input; gracious as is his way, but nothing has changed. I have heard, with my own ears, the child state that she doesn't want to be fat anymore. I throw my hat in on trying to help. He fills her plate to the rim and encourages her to finish it all. I cannot in my wildest dreams figure out what he is thinking. He is not a stupid man.
I am doing a stand in at a baby shower today. One of my daughter's dear friends who has a shortage of baby type friends since she is nearly forty and this is her first child. I have about a million things I would rather do. I do it for my child as so many other times. When your children are older you still want to help them out. The ways they need help just vary from their needs as children but stepping up to the plate, as they say, is just another form of love. She will be happy.
I worked in the yard for several hours. The breeze was blowing pretty hard and the air was a little cool. My first reaction was a cringe in the chill. This all really does bring me to a point. I saw myself on this beautiful spring day, daring to turn a frown at the wind and sun. Counting your blessings is a much better occupation for the soul. I looked up at the wide open space above me and thanked God for the chill in the air and the wind on my face. I need to do that more often.
The weeks just fly by one by one and we're all in the trap of the time warp. I awoke this morning with a realization. It was not about me but my son. He is thirty three and this day I decided he better get off his duff and get serious about life. He is a good and kind man and a fine son but I fear he thinks things will stay the same forever. They won't. I will retire, pass on and he doesn't realize how much he depends on me, if not our circumstances. We need to talk.
Today at work I got the nicest note from a co-worker. It was a thank you for her birthday gift and the special thought I put into it. I gave her cash. Usually for someone you don't know that well it could be considered tacky. Not to her and I knew it wouldn't be. She's a single mom and when I was one I often got very lovely gifts. Many times my heart would break at the same time it overflowed with gratitude. I needed the money so so bad. And sometimes the gifts were dumb and I really cried.
She probably calls once or twice a year. Well it must be time because she called. It is usually for a party of some sort for our mutual friends or her family. She is a barrel of energy. (in the literal sense) You can't stay too close because like any strong wind it will move you places you don't want to go. Once again I will step into her storm for a short time. Next Sunday I think it is. She wants me to write down little funny sayings to put in a jar for her daughter's 18th birthday. OK
He is writing a story of his life at the age of seventy-five. I have read the fist few chapters and really like what I see. I am privileged to be part of the editing team on this, along with his daughter. I think we all should write something down to leave as a mark for what we have learned, experienced or just did. It is the best way I can think of to let your children know exactly who you were. They look at us as parents and not people. I did the same. Mine will do the same.
He now announces that someone is coming over and to expect a less than scrupulous looking person. Wow. Again I say. Yeah he knows. The last few months have had me a little concerned with where he is now. I know who he is and this is not him. I think he got lazy and just let the other ones close for a time. They have always been on the outskirts and held at bay. Some for many years. It will pass as before when he runs out of the energy it takes to hold them up. It's the pattern.
It's now a new thing she wants to do. She swears she has not given up on the idea that took a year to put together. I am sure she believes that. I hope she believes that. It is the way it is with her. Sometimes I feel privileged to share all the action and other times it wears me out. I am always included. I am at the point now, after years of this, to wait and see if she really takes it somewhere. I cannot put a hundred percent of myself into more than one thing. She does.
I want to know how the people that write 100 Words are able to change the format of their paragraphs. I have tried it all and mine always come out in the standard layout we are all given. I actually like the style but my curiosity is peeked and I always want to kick it up a notch. The rut is comfortable but you can't live there. You can go in and out of it but staying there is not my place. So help out a fellow note jotter and tell me how you do it. I need the variety.
How lazy can you get when you won't even get off your duff to seek help for your problems. I am at the height of laziness the last couple of weeks. I work, shop, and take care of business but I am in no mood to extend myself as I have done all my life. I actually like to extend myself. It shows character and builds even more. So I am in the funk I guess. Not down and not up. Too boring here. I sure hope this is not a new place to live. I won't be happy here.
My son has called again after not hearing from me for a couple of weeks. This is the son who disowned the whole family about three years ago. He wants to know if I am mad at him……. No, not mad. I cannot give the feelings words. I have never been so hurt in my life. I never in my wildest dreams would have believed someone could be so unkind to their own mother. How do you tell him that you are doing your best to get over it but don't think you ever really will. It is beyond me.
How happy can you get over someone having an abortion? That is a question many have had to face. I cannot judge because I have never been there. I know there are many children that deserve better than they have. Unborn babies that could have been great if loved and wanted. So what do you say to someone who has just completed the act? I do not know. Sorry? Wish you had thought this out. Better luck next time. Don't screw around unless you like this. Dead children are more than I can bear, unwanted children may be even worse.
One more year. Just give it one more year and I think I can make it work. One year of hard work. One year of being frugal. One year of using good common sense. Great things can be accomplished in one year. A child can be created, a degree obtained, a life altered beyond your dreams. It's the dream that takes the first position. Always the dream. When you let go of that you let go of your future. Always looking ahead but not so far ahead you can't see what you're doing in the present. Just one more year.
He came into the store for no more than ten minutes he said. Bammm! His truck was stolen. I have never been through something like that and I am thankful but I can feel his devastation. He is pacing the parking lot waiting for the police, who don't seem to put a high priority on such a crucial part of his life. He is isolated in his dilemma. Everyone walks around talking about what happened and how awful and all he can do is pace and wait for nothing. The mind is silently adjusting to what has happened to him.
Still she has done nothing. I can judge her activities from the size of the e-mails I get from her everyday. I have begun to avoid her on line and on the telephone even as much as I love her. I started to think it is not right to do this but I cannot for the life of me get through to her on the subject of her life. Her money will be gone next month. She has not worked in a year. Now her back is so bad I fear she cannot. What in the hell is she thinking?
The weather is way beyond seasonal heat in April. I am missing my Spring. They say it won't stay this way but it has been stained for me. When the breeze picks up in the evening and the cool air flows across me I feel renewed in spirit and in body. I am a lover of the wind. As a child I begged to run with the wind at the first signs of a storm moving in. Many times my mother denied me but ONCE in awhile she set me free. I've never felt so alive in all my life.
There are the little groups you run into in every work environment but the one that surrounds me is a little different. I can truly say this is one bunch that I'll never get close to. Maybe that will create the desired effect. I walked away from a job offer that was better money and a better position overall because I just didn't want to get that involved. I think God has led me to the ideal place but my personality feels the separation of this. I have always heard that you need to be careful what you wish for.
So last night was a big game for us. We are in second place and the team we were playing was number one. It was nose and nose for the first three innings. Our hopes began to raise and spirits were good. These games with number one are very stressful to players and observers. The first game we lost 2-1, second game was tied 2-2, and now here is the third. We are battling our hearts out to get this one. In the top of the 5th we get lucky. We hit a double that brings in three runs. Winner!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She is full-grown. She knows her own mind. Seldom do I advise her anymore and seldom am I asked. It is what I always wanted for her and she is a wonderful, kind, loving wife and mother. I couldn't ask for more. I have planned this since she was born and wanted it for her more than anything. A well-rounded, happy and mature person is what I prayed for all her life. I've been given this from God. Now the prayers begin for me. I pray I get over this feeling of her not needing me for anything at all.
Next year I will go to Prag. Never have I traveled out of the United States and I'm neither a spring chicken anymore nor a seasoned traveler. I am planning it never the less. I have the perfect tour guide. Someone born and raised there. It is still a year away and I am starting to worry. No English for a week, no food I recognize. Is it like Mexico? Can you drink the water? I find most fear based on ignorance so I will start my education and dump these petty fears. If not I would never go anywhere.
The last day of the month and the last 100 Words. I have had no great inspirations this month and that is sad to say. I think surely I learned something and forgot to put it down. It pays to go back and read what you have done and it helps you decide how you want to live the next month of your life. Just another repeat or are changes in order. If the words are too, too boring then so is your life. If there is not inspired words then inspire yourself. This is your life. Check it out.
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