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Another Sunday evening and there is a roast bubbling in the cast iron pot. They say you really get iron from those old pots and I doubt it, but I like the idea all the same. The flowerbeds are weeded and looking like someone with a fresh haircut. Sunday is leaving me again. Sundays are fresh beginnings, godly, homey, free and easy. What a way to start the week. Laundry done, house clean, shopping complete, yard looking good and I am ready for the week. It is damned strange that doing all that work make someone feel ready to work.
I told a joke, I laughed at a few, and I seemed to be enjoying myself most all day. I'm good at that you know. They hardly ever see the me I keep within the shell. I am not a mystery by any means but I am simply not all that I seem. I say I'm not dramatic or phony in my life and yet what would you call it when what you see is just not right. It has to be survival because if that's not the case, then I am nothing more than all I say I hate.
That drive. It's killing me. Can you imagine what it will be like in a year? I may not have a job in a year. Then what do you do? Look for another one and listen to everyone say, “Aren’t you a little worried at your age?" Hell yes and what a stupid question. No - I'm fifty-five and stupid enough to believe an employer would prefer me to a smart, young, and probably good looking woman. Stupid people. I always say, " No I really don't worry about that." Liar, liar. It just proves doubly how dumb the remark.
Sometimes it takes us years and years to discover the reasons why. Sometimes we never do. And sometimes you get lucky. For years it has been there right in my face and yet I never saw it, not even a glimpse. So close that it blinded me in the brightness of it’s light. Moral issues are often like that. I had little to none of my own and with my shadowy background. I was not prepared as I should have been. And so finally after all these years and wars to the near death, I realize it came from him.
She had an affair and I am still seemingly her friend. I backed away when she was accused and had a talk with her but she denied it. I wasn’t positive it was happening but felt I had done what I could to help her see her error. Everyone said she was doing this thing and I just didn’t believe it. So now it‘s over and she is remorseful, she quit her job and after months of nothing she calls me. I feel sorry for her and still like her. She is an adulteress and yet I still guardedly care.
Who ever said that having money makes life easy? I don't see it that way. It will surely be a fete to rally support for that group of people. I have known people with varying degrees of money, different ways it came to them and a few who lost it all. I have never had money in the sense of not worrying about where it was coming from but I also never had enough to worry where it all is and where it is going and who might be trying to take it from me. I wouldn’t like that feeling.
You can do this and I am positive you can do this. You, by nature, have the ability and ambition for it. You have the spirit for it. So do not let yourself be detoured. I have seen you start a thousand projects in a thousand different places and none to completion. It is not that you cannot complete, it's that you think you must give 100% of you all the time to one thing or entirely change your direction. Here in lies the mistake that takes you every time. It is your nature but not your formula for success.
There are three of us now. The others are dead and gone, all of them. It is half and half. Three Virgos to help each other sort out life's bumps in the road. Three Virgos to share such a small family. We are doing fairly well when you consider it is three Virgos doing this. No one had stopped talking; no one had killed the other in a power struggle, as is our nature. What has happened is, I have taken my usual place in the triangle. I am the peacemaker and was even before it was just three Virgos.
I cannot believe she will be leaving us. I can't in a million years express the emotions of it all. This is not an easy age for her to make such a major change. I need to let her go and join her mother and new stepfather. I want her to be happy and I pray she is not disappointed. The age is difficult for us both, her beginning a new part of her young life and me entering my senior years. The space she will leave in me will be as permanent as any loss I have ever suffered.
It’s not suppose to be this way. Never does the child die first. It is not the natural order of things. It is not the way God had it planned. But it happens anyway. I never know what to say when there is a loss, but I am even less prepared with the right words for this loss. Educated, young, father, doctor, brother, son…………. gone. People say things like, “ God in his infinite wisdom” - I do not dare to try and say or even think what God decides. Things like this always bring up the impossible question. Why?
I flew out of bed this morning with the foulest words on my lips, furious at the alarm for disturbing me from such a sound sleep. I never, ever do that. I dreamt of cigarettes. Smoking them and not being addicted and sneaking around with them, as if I have to. They have you in a death grip and even though it has been months since I smoked I still want them, think of them, dream of them. And they don’t call that an addiction? I am not going to smoke but I miss them as I would a friend.
I want so bad to be somewhere else today, go to my friend’s house and help her play. She is making her brew and could use the help and I would love to stir as she conjures up different blends and concoctions. Only she would think of this, do the research and go to the extent she has gone to get the ingredients. Shea is the name of the butter so yummy. Lavender she says will be the first one. So I wait for my sample and die til it comes. Fed-ex would be nice and not wait so long.
I am having a hard time adjusting to my new age. I think of it often and wonder if I am acting appropriately. I feel the same inside and the outside I know is changing. I want to keep the feeling of freedom of spirit that I have always had and yet there is the fear it is dorky or dumb or corny. It used to be cute or funny but now I think it might just look stupid. How are you suppose to change who you are and how you act because time is playing its game with you?
I think I saw an alien. I’m pretty sure I did. Aren’t they suppose to be real weird looking with almost transparent skin, or whatever they call it? Well then I saw one. Don’t they have real big heads and antenna coming out of the top? Well then I am positive I saw one. It was by that park that is by that school that my grandson goes to. I don’t think anyone else saw him/her whatever-bi alien thing and I find that kind of strange. You would think out of a hundred children one would see what I saw.
Why would a son treat his mother worse than his dog? The dog has it made compared to the mother of this child. This child was born in the ordinary way to an ordinary person. So why is he so jacked up? Some say it is in the raising yet he has siblings that appear to be normal. Some say it was there all the time. I say it is both and I should know. I have many times heard that love is not enough and always thought of it in a romantic way but I don’t think so anymore.
Do you ever make up songs? Do you allow yourself that freedom of spirit to let your mind go flying straight to your heart? I used to make up songs all the time when I was a child. I could only do it when I was on my swing and going as high as the sky. My songs made me so happy that I would swing higher and higher and feel better and better. I don’t make up songs anymore. I haven’t made up a song for many years but I do think I will go buy myself a swing.
A movie marathon on a Saturday is at first thought a complete waste of a day off until I thought about it a little more. It could be a great day off. You can rest, catch up on some good movies you might have missed and just be a bum. I personally have only done this maybe twice in my life and I think I should do more of it. I need to learn to relax and go with the flow a little more. I am too conservative for my own good and I am sick of it. Saturday’s off!
I sometimes wonder why I love these one hundred words so much. It is more like a diary and I think that it isn't right to treat it this way and then I see others that do and I feel better. I do have one question to answer. How do so many of these people come up with such beautiful words and descriptions of some of life's simplest things? I am in envy of them. I try and do it and it reads back like such rubbish and I feel really silly. So why is it theirs reads so beautifully?
Why is it that tragic things that happen seems more worthy of writing about than beautiful things? Maybe it is just me and I see tragedy as needing discussion and beauty speaks for itself. I think tragedy needs an explanation if one is possible. It is like the unruly child who gets all the attention and the good one with less. Beauty and goodness are so easily accepted and tragedy is unacceptable even though we see wars, deaths and starvation we can never accept it without deep thought and contemplation. I will try and write more about the good child.
You know I don’t like being grouchy but dammit I get tired of helping people who don’t want to help themselves. They make all these plans and figure it all out making all the arrangements in detail and how grateful they will be to you-You- now here is the key to the whole equation isn’t it? How did “you” become involved in all the plans made by the planner? How the hell do they live like that with the intestinal fortitude to expect, and I mean expect in the true sense of the word, you to pick up the tab.
Once when I was a young child my sister saved me from drowning. She didn’t want to and if I weren’t screaming at the top of my lungs what our mother would do to her she would have let me go. She wanted to. I like to think she didn’t realize what she was dealing with in the swift water of that creek. I have always been grateful to her but I can’t think of the good part without thinking of how she wanted to let the current take me. I must have been a real pain at that age.
My grandson is in his pre-teen years. I often wonder what that is. Is he preparing to be a teen and since when does it take any preparation? I didn’t need any. I just gradually and sullenly slide right into the jerk I was to be in those years. My parents became very stupid and didn’t understand anything about me. I see him moody, not playful, completely not amused by his brother. He thinks I am a goof and his mom isn’t funny and his dad expects too much. I think he is right where he should be for twelve
Well the family is practically falling apart in front of my eyes. Break down here, break down there. The systems are failing. It is time to pull together, re-group, and organize. One house is in love and that love is not returned in the same way. Another is in love with a face she has never seen and eyes that she has not looked into. Another is losing a child for a while and the other is running out of money and work is slow. The kids don’t get it at all. No wonder life puts fear in the heart.
He just shrugged his shoulders with that new lumbering effect he has when his body moves. His mom repeated again, "He saved that boys life". He thinks it is nothing, not a big deal but of course we all do. His camp leaders thought it was special as well. Now lets face it, no one thinks it is nothing to save a life but he isn't convinced the child would have drown had he not jumped in. I think his lesson here is that you don't need to actually see a drowning to believe you prevented a tragedy. He’s cool.
More people are losing their jobs today. I cannot express how that makes me feel. I am sick with this news. Each one with a family, obligations, a life for crying out loud and this is what they will take home today. All this while the world keeps on turning. I know the feeling because this is the third layoff we have had and it gets harder with each, not easier. I dread to know who the selected ones will be and I cutting that final check from a piece of paper that will change the life of a person.
He loves his cigars. He loves his child and his wife and all the family. He gives them tons of himself and does not complain. He is a classic from another era. You don’t see too many of them anymore. It is the old school, where being the man of the house had it’s privileges but with those perks come true responsibility for the family. Men still take on that responsibility but I think in another attitude. It just doesn’t seem to be as freely given as then. I prefer it the way it was . “The good old days.”
Give the cat to the kid? Are you crazy? Just because a child wants it doesn’t mean it is okay to do. Children want many things they are not ready for, cannot be responsible for, and don’t deserve. That word may sound harsh but all things eventually are earned in life and having an animal, as a pet, is something you need to prove you can handle. You cannot do it the other way around and find out after the fact that the child was not really ready for a pet and see the pet suffers at the little hands.
Well we made it to the All Stars. I say we but it is my grandson and of course that is a “we.” So Saturday was the first game and I cannot tell you how well we did and I swear I am not pumping this up, my grandson had the most awesome game I have ever seen him play. One batter hit the ball several feet to the right of him, he jumped up and over, caught the ball and fell with the that arm in the air just like the pros showing he DID NOT drop THAT ball.
He came for a swim and ended up staying for the evening. It was very pleasant and it has been some time since we have spent an evening together. The important part of the day though was when we went shopping. He was very patient with me. He helped me look all over for a certain necklace I wanted to match my outfit, which was very helpful and then even offered to take us out to ice cream after we were finished. This may sound like a really nice guy ,and it is, but you see he is only nine.
It’s a good day when there is nothing profound to dive into with words for the day. Most things are going on normally and the problems that arise are the problems we run into most of the time with mostly the same people and even most of the same things. So that is good as far as I am concerned because it is dependable and well within my comfort zone which is where I like to operate. Weekend was fun, Monday is Monday and the week will be short because of the holiday. So how much better could it get?
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