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I didn't know I loved him. I had no idea that I loved him like that. We have been together for twelve years as I figure it. He was so young and so was I really, compared to now, when first he came into my life. Heck, I didn't even think I needed him for that matter. I thought it was one more expense, one more obligation that I didn't need or want. But in my life he was, and has been, and is. When he tried to walk and couldn't my stomach went in a knot ,than I knew.
When I look at that cat it just amazes me. I have had the he/she for years. It was my mothers. I have no mother now but I still have that cat. That doesn't seem right does it? The cat belonged to my mother. It was her cat. She loved the cat and groomed the cat. I asked her once what would happen to the cat should something happen to her. She answered with such confidence " Oh don't you worry, he will be cared for." Well she was so very right wasn't she. I would rather have my mother.
There is so much today. It ran full with emotions. I like the nice simple days. She was getting to close and to demanding so I pushed her away. Just a little. But now that she has moved I have mixed emtions. Life is like that isn't it? I always think I know what I want but so often find that things change when I least expect it. So I will just ride this out like everything else. This is not one of those things that require much of my attention. We need to keep a comfortable space with this.
Mother's Day is coming once again. I love the holiday for myself and for my daughter. I love it for my freinds. There is only one thing missing and that would be my mother. I remember the first year she was gone. I got mad and even cried at the store trying not to see all the cards for the other mothers that were still here to receive them. You know it was worse than mad to be honest. It is a rage pointed at nothing in particular. It is a rage that passes, tho you think it never will.
Spring is the best. All the world is green and new. Baby grass, baby cows, baby kittens, you name it. It always renews my spirit for a time. A little part of me begins to fear the heat of summer but I just ignore that or think about the pool and it goes away. Got to keep focused on what is and watch the fears of what may be. Always I need to do that. Fear is an enemy and it makes you weak and with spring everywhere who needs it. Save it for the closed up time of winter.
I am reading a really good book. At least I thought it was a very good book and I read it faithfully each evening. Something about this whole story really bothers me and constantly makes me question if I should keep going. I am two thirds of the way through it. How could I stop now? It is like I have made a commitment to this book even though it has offended me. That's what it is. It has actually offended me and I can't get over it. I probably shouldn't even try. A father sexually harmed his own child.
The nicest thing happened to me while I was living. I came upon a secret. Many years I fought so hard to make so much happen the way I wanted it to be and the way I thought it should be. Control it all, decide it all, and take responsibility for it all. I made it all so hard. I fought life tooth and nail. If you truly listen to yourself and look at your self you have to laugh. You have to. You can't fix it all nor can you change it. The secret is the art of acceptance.
My sister is sad today. She said she cried all week. That's terrible. I hate for people I love to feel that bad. I have no idea what is wrong and when asked she doesn't know either. Maybe it is just all of it rolled into one feeling that you can't put your finger on and can't explain. All you really want is to be rid of it. I know just how she feels .It will happen before her eyes and yet she won't see it. She won't even feel it. She will just be all right again. I know.
I look at that child and know that if we weren't in public he would cry. He wouldn't cry because he was actually hurt. It is the pain of betrayal that has cut him so deep. A pain I can't fix no matter what I do. I buy a Pepsi, ask if he's hungry and try to act normal. This helps a little as he holds on tight to his dignity. A little man learning how to be a big man. It pulls at something in me I could never put into words. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
I am not a wimp. I am fairly sure at least that I am not one. I was so embarrassed when asked to request a “kick back” on a damm vending machine. My gosh I never would have thought of it in a million years. So when I had to get up immediately and do it while they are there filling the machines, I was mortified. I did it. I didn’t like it, and I sure didn’t like they way they looked at me. Now I am thinking being a wimp or not is not the question here at all.
Paid time off. Now what to do. You think I'm a dope to even contemplate that in such a way? Well you get in a rut and then when it is actually time to take off you have to get used to the idea.Wow, now I have choices of the best kind. Where to go? Time is not a problem, money is. But I can do a lot of things with two weeks and a credit card. Nothing really wild. It's not my nature. Besides if I was really bad I wouldn't even own a credit card. Would I?
When you have a true friend it is a great thing. I actually have a couple of them so I am twice blessed. I have always believed that saying - you are lucky if you can count your true friends on one hand-or something like that. It is curious to me that if you live long enough you end up with your best friends changing. The friend you think will be your bosom bud forever can change and become an old acquaintance. You meet someone else and become closer to them for a time. So who is the true friend?
Oh no, Please God no. Don't let this be. She wouldn't. She doesn't have the balls for it. She is no more than an inconsiderate ass. It is just like her to make up this elaborate story to take off unsupervised and think she has pulled it over on us all. This is not the first time but it is the longest. I called back again and they said, " The police will call you." Now what the hell does that mean? And why were they called? It should have been simply to check on her. Oh God Please. No
I talked to her sister today. The one so very far away. With all I am feeling, and I am right here, I can only imagine what she must be going through. We talked to each other about how proud we were of her, how well she planned it, how efficiently she arranged it all. Now we talk of what is there, what is important, what can be shipped. What is left of her life? No money, jewelry, no material things. Even the cat took his leave before her. The apartment is as empty as the shell of her body.
I didn't want to spend all my 100 words on death, yet it came to my front door during the first month I decided to join in this process. Maybe it is my fate. I always claim to be a member of the fate club, so I have to accept this. Everyday it is something new when your sister decides to take her own life. It is such a selfish act and yet in my own way I cannot tell you how proud I am of her. This was her final curtain and she played it out in grand style.
It is nearly all over now. I got the note today. Her last hopes, last thoughts, last written word. She will never write again. She didn't thank anyone and we did so much. She didn't regret anything and she lived pretty long. She needed more love than this world would give. She needed more care than this system would provide. I will miss her terribly and she said "Don't be sad for me." Yet so sad herself that no matter what she tried she could not find a reason good enough to stay with us. To try one more time.
I want to take some time. I want to go pick strawberries in Santa Maria. In May they have the best you ever put a lip on. Huge, red, wonderful and sweet enough to die for. It feels like life renewed when you go in the fields and pick them yourself. Each one is a personal choice. Delicately and slowly you pull each one from the vine. Part of you hates to separate it from the mother plant but if you don't it dies anyway and no one has all the pleasure it can provide. God's treat for his child.
My mind is blank this morning. My energy level is low. I rested well but just can't go. Maybe there is too much. I cannot start when I cannot see the end. Today's a day I need a friend to run around with or maybe just have around to share their energy with me. I stole this day from the system I function in. I don't regret taking back what is mine but now what to do with it. I will go outside and pull energy from life out there. Flowers, grass, birds, cars, people. There is energy to spare.
I have a daughter who has grown into a woman. I want at times to pull her back to me and take away her responsibilities so she can rest. I know I have been where she is and when it was me, I might have appreciated some help but I wouldn't have wanted to have it taken away. Maybe that is all she wants too and I am over reacting because I cannot bear to see her working so hard and stretched so thin. When you ask her how she is, she is "fine". I believe she really truly is.
We talked until midnight last night. She was so very cold on the phone and the e-mails for the last two weeks, but last night shed a little light. Things were made somewhat clearer to me. That family was a sad affair. Much, much worse that I ever suspected or knew. I knew the dad was an alcoholic but their mom was too. And there was the violence and hatred and five little girls. And then there was the disease that finally pushed her sister to end her life and brought us together at the kitchen table talking until midnight.
I keep missing church. I like to go and hear the word and say hello to some, but I don't always feel like getting out of bed to go sing. Isn't that just too trivial? What a brat I am being to stay home on that excuse. I guess I want a service designed especially for my personal needs. I am thinking this is just my excuse to cover my lazy, selfish Sunday morning self. I will go next week and I will stop thinking of what I don't care for. I think it is the least I can do.
Spring is here if full force. I love it. It is the time of birth, new things, freshness and preparation for the freedom of summer. Wow, so much to put your arms around at once. Each year I seem to embrace it differently. Many years I want to take off. I get "Spring Fever" in a serious way. I always want to go and leave the mass of cement behind and find green fields full of fresh new growth. It renews my spirit for yet another year. This year I am staying put. I will have to do something else.
I feel bad for her. She doesn't have the tools she needs for this project and yet I cannot do it for her. This is how she will learn and acquire the tools she needs. It took so many years to figure out why they give out these assignments that overwhelm most children. It is the way they learn to organize, segregate and prioritize to accomplish the task. I never saw it when I was that age and she can't either. We know now why youth is wasted on the young. I wasted mine in the same way. Oh well.
I am quite a bit older than him, yet I am closer it seems to remembering the way it felt to be young. He is male obviously, which I consider to be one draw back when it comes to putting yourself in another's place. I remind him of his young days and the endless hours I spent with him doing this same thing and he says, "I know". He doesn't know and you can tell by the tone of his voice he is not going back there and truly understanding how it felt when it was him in that chair.
I have to make phone calls, talk to family, talk to friends, but it feels like just too much trouble. I want to really. What is with that? I feel the changing in me. I don't want to talk anymore and make just idle conversation for no reason. I don't love these people less I just don't want the trivial shit. Am I being lazy or do I not care enough to give of my time. Maybe that's it. My time has become so valuable. Yeah, but what good is time if you have no one to share it with?
Sometimes the day to day does get you down. I am in a never-ending battle with myself to keep up the great attitude, a smile on your face, and a light step in your walk. I do it too, but it is seldom me. Everyone thinks it is me because it is so consistent. It is part of the survival package. If you do it long enough you actually become the person with the face you claim not to know. Does that mean you are the battling person or that happy end result of the façade? I really don't know.
I cannot go a month without thinking of what is happening to my body as I grow older. I have never been over weight, or ugly, or poor with jacked up teeth. I have been fortunate and blessed in that department. Not beautiful, just "pretty "as mom used to say. Well time is doing its thing on me and I am not having a good time. It really is true that as you age you don't feel any different inside than you did as a young person. My mom hit it right on the head, "Getting old ain't for sissies."
I sit and work all day. I had my days off and went to the movies and shopping and had a nice holiday with the kids. And every once in awhile, during all the “normal” activities I remember she is dead. I still can’t believe that she is gone and when the phone rings it is not one of her annoying calls. She drove me nuts, I dreaded her company most of the time and her calls always meant she wanted something. She would talk for hours about nothing. Always, always complaining. I could use one of her calls now.
I am having a hard time the last few days. I’m not sure what is up. I absolutely detest stupid people as a rule but the last few days I would like to slap a couple of them that I know. I hate being like that and yet it sneaks up on me. And you know the dumber people are the more defensive they are. I think that is what bugs me the most. Defensive of what? The fact that they are stupid, and not only that, they have the audacity to act like you are invading their space somehow.
I know that business is business and personal is personal. I know not to mix them, even if someone else pulls you in, you have a part of you that is reserved for the fall that is almost inevitable. Now I ponder ethics. They befriend me and yet in the background the walls are crumbling and not a word is said. I guess now it is called selective friendship or a true separation of business and personal. If that is so, then saying nothing is best, acting like it is all good-I don’t know. It’s not my line to draw.
We have been friends for about sixteen or seventeen years I guess. Yesterday you told me you dumped your girlfriend and for a split second it made me happy. Like I could have another chance for us to be more than friends. How could I feel that way? We are friends and have explored the other possibilities many years ago and both agreed that friends are what we are supposed to be. That moment of selfishness passed as quickly as it came. How sorry I am to hear you are hurt and did not find the companion you were seeking.
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