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BY cgBalu

06/01 Direct Link

Try simple things.
Try a thing which you fear.
Try a thing...which keeps on evading you.
Try a thing which makes you happy.
It is only trying....not doing. Remember to try with all your heart.
No problem, there may be hesitations. There may be obstacles.
There will be frustration...there will be procrastination.
The thing may get done or get complicated further. Never mind
It has to be.
Focus.
The focus will go definitely. It has to. Life is designed like that.
The thing you try may not bring gratification.
Need not be. Trying is important.
Keep on trying.
06/02 Direct Link

Heart recognizes the mind? The mind recognizes the heart?
Whatever it is, the mind or the heart want some gratification. They want to be applauded. Something should say that you have done a great thing.
It suddenly happened.
The mind was heavy. Is it due to laziness or there was nothing that the heart or the mind recognized as a great thing?
I started talking with my wife. Fortunately she was in a good receptive mood. I narrated the story of the film I watched yesterday.
I went to my mom. I applied some oil on her frail hand.
Felt Fine.
06/03 Direct Link

I liked the 'play' with my mother last evening.
Mother has a 'dabba' (tin box). My wife fills the dabba with biscuits, so that mother eats them when hungry or when the craving something to eat comes to her.
When my mother opens the dabba to eat, she offers me some biscuits. Whenever someone comes home she offers the biscuits.
We are concerned, because the box will be empty and there will be no stock when she wants them.
Yesterday I made all efforts to make her understand that, she eats from her dabba and me from mine.
06/04 Direct Link

Did I note a particular subject to be written this day? Sometimes I forget and stare at the empty box here thinking what to write.
The mind becomes blank and I regret that the box is not filled with words.
I was watching a Tamil movie last evening. The title of the movie was "the money is for the courage' The protagonist of the movie has a stout heart. He faces devils to win his love.
Let me watch movie. Why think about a subject to write at that time?
Okay. I should try writing Tamil 100 words.
06/05 Direct Link
Our 27 year old son's profile is on the matrimonial site.
Somebody have a look. If you want I shall give the ID number and the site name. 
He is a little emotional but very good boy. If you like his profile and have a girl of around the age 22 to 25 and if the boy and girl like each other let them marry.
It is easy to write. But girls earn more than him and expect a lot of things.
My wife is behind the stars and horoscopes.
Let us try, try and try.
Best of luck.
06/06 Direct Link

Should my son listen to me?
He does not listen to me...so should I stop telling him something?
My wife does not listen to me. She dominates her thoughts on me. When I want her to listen to me I shout. That shouting is the biggest flaw on me. I utter bad words like "you won't prosper"
She kills me over a time telling my flaw repeatedly and very smartly concealing her flaws. So there she is. Should she listen to me? Or I listen to her?
This is not the debate to be done now.
No nursing animosity.
06/07 Direct Link

Supposing I die while writing this or submitting this?
Nothing!
As long as lived, I did something. When I die: "Nothing"
Simple as that.
Perceiving that nothingness, I get a scary feeling. It does not feel good.
It should feel good. Nothing to write. Nothing to think.
If I die while in service, son may get a job on compassionate grounds.
I have seen several wards of the employees in my office.
This lousy thought of how son will fare is no good thought. Unnecessary thought.
I will not be there. Relations will not be there. Empty. 
06/08 Direct Link

My father.  My grand mother's mother. Sethu mama. My Thatha. My Patti. Balu mama. Cheenu mami. Cheenu mama. Cheenu mama's father-in-law. Rajam mami. Rajam mami's amma. Rajam mami's appa. Sharada's husband. Janu's husband. Kalyani mami. Rama swamy chittappa. Parvatha Chithi. 
Ammanji. 
Viji. My father-in-law. My mother-in-law.
My college friend's brother. Satagopan's atthai. Satagopan's mother.
Choko's son. My friend Shibbu. Manohar. Ravi. Chandrasekar. Vazir Basha.  Solomon. Raju. Kamath. Gowd.
Govindaraju. Vikram Dev. Babu rayan's daughter. Banu mami's son. Banu mami. Srinivasan. My dental doctor.
Narayana swamy's father. Bheemingaiah.
The list complete?
06/09 Direct Link

I should have numbered the people who have quit the world in my last entry. It is okay.
Did I leave some people?
Yes.
My Kalyanam chitappa. My friend Swaroop Kumar.
People come to this world and quit. That's all. What is the big deal about this?
Simple. You come to this world. As long as you live, you have people around you. Relatives. Friends. They make the world for you. 
You mix with them. You envy them. They give you something. You try to give them something.
You love them. They love you. Moments. Moments.
That is all.
06/10 Direct Link

The people who quit the world.
The entries these days are the people who lived in this world and disappeared.  I remembered some more people.
My sister's in-laws.
Kalayanam Chittappa's brothers. Kalyanam Chittappa's friend Rajarama iyer.
I remember these many people. I have interacted with them. They were with us. Now not there.
This list is from my point. My mind's remembrances. Slowly they are remembered by their families...then they fade away.
That is life and this is called life or existence?
Whatever it is, let me remember them as long as I live.
History remembers more!
06/11 Direct Link

Writing 100 words has fallen into arrears.
The routine was pucca for ten days.
Monday to Saturday, if I go on tapping words the work will be update.
Very fine. It is easy. Write something. Submit. The site will ask me if I would like to submit another entry and I shall do it and my intention is to catch up and continue to do the writing on the same day.
I had taken leave for the past 10 days. I went to office - reported - sanctioned my leave.
At this time I remember this much about Monday. Will do!
06/12 Direct Link

Click here to complete another additional entry.
Fine done.
I have come to Tuesday.
Tuesday, Tuesday....what were the things?
Mundane things. I am on transfer to Divisional offices. The administration represented by that chap is bent upon sending me out of this office.
Another 11 months of service is left for me. Get the June Salary, the time will reduce to 10 months.
Nothing big can be done. The dream of writing the promotional exam will also be not possible.
What I am left with in the career?
Nothing.
So, making myself prepared to go to Divisional Offices.
06/13 Direct Link

Thirteenth. Wednesday.
What was it? How the day went? When did wife go to dental doctor?
I did not speak to son. He had been to Mumbai. He goes to Secunderabad.
My counting dead people thing is over?
I get this thought very often? Let me get it. What is wrong?
Don't get scared to think about that. Think more about the dead people and think specifically about their life. Try to write down more things about them.
Writing more 100 words. More fun.
Don't feel sad about thinking death or counting dead people. Pick the subject, think more. Write.
06/14 Direct Link

I was happy this day.
I got the privilege to utilize the chance of using the 'Wellness' camp organized for the HQ people.
I went quite early to the Hospital.
That para medic Emil did a nice job. He took my height and weight took blood sample and asked me to come for ECG test around 4 pm.
Monday to Thursday, wife had packed me Puliyodarai, coconut rice, limbu rice and Vangibath respectively.
That Dy with long conversations of nonsense is ready to transfer me. Friday is the day fixed.
ECG is taken. I was taken to doctors without waiting.
06/15 Direct Link

Some days are hectic. One such day.
My ECG had some problems. The heart beats are missing.
I was restless while taking the tests like ECHO, further sugar tests and funda test for the eye.
Wife also joined me. She was of good support to me. But she is worried about my health.
Doctor has referred to me Narayana Hirudayalaya. The heart thing will be a serious one? Let us see.
There was a lunch party at Officer's club. Kudachwad is retiring this month. A good gathering.
Top people attended the function.
Good wishes to Kudachwad.  Restless day! 
06/16 Direct Link

It is with great patience (sometimes I lost it too?) that I could get the approval of my wife to entertain my assistant Kiran for a get together this evening
She irritates me to the extent that I feel, why at all I should plan such things?
I thought it will be good to invite a family, like a date with temple. Going to temple and entertaining guests would definitely bring goodness to mind.
Something like buying gifts, cooking etc cannot be done without the support of wife.
I have to be patient with her, otherwise she can blame easily.
06/17 Direct Link

Well, Kiran and family were invited last evening.
This fellow has got two kids Varsha and Diksha.
Diksha became very friendly. (Gosh...if I had a grand child like her!)
Varsha is the Akka (elder sister) and takes care of the small one very well.
Wife had made carrot halwa and urud dal wada. The choti (Diksha) relished the halwa.
We bought them little things like drawing note book and wax crayons. We also bought them Cadbury's chocolate.
We took them to the hillock nearby (Nrupadunga betta), to the Venkateshwara temple and to Punjabi Restaurant. 
It was lovely evening.
06/18 Direct Link

Monday the 18th I am writing on Saturday the 23. After completing this entry, I will have five more entries to write to come to update.
Hope, earnestly I hope I will be updated by tomorrow evening. Little effort, little time, little composure I think I can.
Friday, the Railway doctor had sent me to a Heart Hospital for doing an angiogram, because the results of echo test shown some problem.
I was scared. My wife even more scared.
After several nonsense and fearful thoughts, I joined the new office told them I am going to Hospital and reached NH.
06/19 Direct Link

It was more of sluggishness than composure and effort. I could not complete the updating process as I thought. One weeks 100 words writing is pending.
This day we had been to Narayana Hirudalaya situated at SDM hospital and medical college.
We went by bus. The place is 14 kms away from our house.
Go to room number 77, go to room number 75....wait,, and there I was admitted at room number 603 A. This is semi private ward.
The medics there did all the preparatory works.
What do you call the thing for the intravenous thing they make?
06/20 Direct Link

The cute little thing on the back of my palm,  near the wrist with a date labels above and below (19-6-18) is the preparation for the iv thing. That girl tried in my forearm and could not get the required vein and so the spot near the wrist. Later I observed that little procedure had a small stopper lid too. What all things the medical field has!
I did not know the exact name for this preparation.
The hospital also gave me a dress. Before wearing the dress my hairs were removed from hand and pubic region.
06/21 Direct Link
I admired the man who did this hair removal job. Very patiently and with dedication he did the job. I wanted to tip him too.
The angiogram thing has risks too. My wife was counselled about this.
I was scared. There are risk factors like bleeding in the brain and some effect on kidneys too.
Somehow this day I was pushed to the cath lab (catheterization laboratory)
I was scared, yet the procedure had to be done like taking blood pressure.
The team made me comfortable. In the right hand a similar thing like iv was done. Angiogram is over! 
06/22 Direct Link
We stayed in the hospital for some more time and I was discharged in the evening yesterday. The iv thing was not used. Good.
The Angiogram result was okay. I was advised to go for medical management.
Good. The heart is okay.
My wife is relieved.
The right hand was bandaged at the wrist and I was supposed to keep it straight yesterday.
Fine. Very fine.

I went to my departmental hospital in the evening. The doctor said 'nothing to worry'  
He made some moderate medications and on my request gave me 5 more days of 'sick leave' 
06/23 Direct Link

It is a Saturday. I should have gone to Chennai to be with the Kalyanam  family.
Had this 'angiogram' thingee has not hindered I should have made a journey to Chennai.
It is one year over. Kalyanam Chittappa's first death anniversary is observed at their home at Nanganallur.
I am going through my sick leave. Tuesday to Friday, it is just four days.
I am using my sick leave. I should not feel for that.
The more relaxation, the more devil of the mind.
Let me play with the devil. In the Harry Potter books it is called dementor. 
06/24 Direct Link

Breathe. 
There is a soul.
These two things I should remember always.
The clutches of holding the dementor. 
What I want to say?
Holding the dementor or releasing him?
Why should I release him? Let me hold him, without fear.
Let him suck the energy.
Breathe. 
Breathe more.
There is a soul. 
As long as the soul is there what can the dementor do for me?
He can suck my energy, he can give me ill feelings.
Dementor is there and he should do it. 
He should do it.
Let him do it.
Breathe. Breathe.
06/25 Direct Link

The last week of June begins.
I was relieved from my last position at my HQ office on 15th June. Since then, to be honest I have no office responsibility. 
It is some more time that I am given some responsibility at the Divisional office where I am transferred.
Let me wait. This waiting is interesting. 
I say interesting when the dementor releases his clutches.
When I am in his clutches I see dark and am seriously bad in my thoughts.
The doctor on Friday the 22nd has given me long absence.
Review after 5 days. Tuesday, Wednesday?
06/26 Direct Link

Good know?
The alternate day attendance to medical is made to 'review after five days'
If I count from Friday the 22nd the five day time ends today and I should go to the Hospital today?
It is okay da...I shall go tomorrow.
No attendance days are okay. I need not go to the Hospital.
But how long I can relax? How long wife will entertain me or for that matter how long can I entertain her?
How long can I write, read or listen to things?
Dementor takes charge of me and I feel things meaningless.
Moral: Relax little.



06/27 Direct Link

Three things occupy my mind today. Three things are to be done:
1) Going to the hospital in the morning to get the date stamped. Doctor has changed some medicines. The medicine given earlier can be discarded. Put it back in the hospital?
2) Mother has asked for spectacles. We should get her a new one? One friend is hosting retirement party at Hotel Anand Residency. Should go for this.
3)Go to Hospital again in the evening to visit the Physician.
-------
1) Went to Hospital. Stamped the date.
2)The party was good. Spectacles.
3)Physician not available. 
06/28 Direct Link

The thing that occupied my mind today is filing of income tax returns. E filing.
I got some interest in the FDs I made at my bank. The bank had given me interest to the extent of Rs.16085. For this the tax is nearly rupees five thousand.
Let me record that my earning by way of net interest for a year is Rs 11000. Not bad. 
After some this and that I filed my e tax. Good.
It is a lousy process: Log in with password and captcha. Some good attempts are to be made.
Job done! 
06/29 Direct Link

Attendance day at medicals.
Went to Hospital at around 10.30 am. There was not much crowd. I could meet the doctor in charge of the 'sick list' soon.
"Attended"
I have to meet the Physician on Monday. He is competent enough to give me fit. Monday, we will see that.
Met the "Wellness camp" man and he had some good words for me. Nice fellow. He enquired about the medicine I take and all, and said be in 'sick' for some more time.
Wife prepared some snacks today. Our son is coming tomorrow.
There goes the day. 
Fine.
06/30 Direct Link

Son has come.
Happy.
The menu was idly, chapatti, kotzu, dal.
Fellow is behind 'diet' 'diet'
He was good. 
We had been to movie: "Sanju"
The movie is a biography of Sanjay Dutt. Sanjay dutt is glorified for his bad things like drug addiction, keeping weapon etc.
We had been to Anjeneya temple.
Then son had the mood swing in the evening. We have to bear it without getting ourselves serious.
He finds faults in the little things we do and say. He is angry about his tummy.
He connected the laptop to the main PC, The earlier CPU discarded.