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Holmes exhaled gray cloud as he studied the corpse of Joffrey Baratheon. Watson was pushed forward by the City Watch.” The Queen is demanding answers, old boy. Did you find anything?”
The detective nodded.” Yes. I found that the deceased was not a true Baratheon, but is in fact the product of a union between the Queen and the Kingslayer. Quite obvious to see, really.”
Before any could retort, a thunderous roar sounded through King’s Landing as a large wingless dragon emerge from the ocean depths. Godzilla.
Holmes smiled.“The game's afoot, Watson.”
The English chef was not amused with the slacking youth.“This steak is still raw and the chips look like floppy dicks, you stupid donkey!” “I’m sorry Chef Ramsay, I promise I’ll do better.” Scott sighed annoyed.
“I don’t fucking think so you wanker! Mr Pilgrim, you are fucking fired!” Gordon Ramsay picked up a frying pan and lunged after Scott. Scott dodged the attack by leaping upward. He drew his Master Sword and downward thrusted on Ramsay’s head. The chef dodged back.
A man walked through a forgotten sewer tunnel as two chipmunks on his shoulder gave directions. "You sure about this, guys?" the man checked his shotgun over before he slung it over his shoulder.
"Hey, watch it!" One of the chipmunks jumped aside quickly before the barrel hit. "Yeah we're sure, Ash." The chipmunk with the small leather jacket and hat replied.
They entered a small clearing where men in robes covered in swastikas worshipped a dark book, the Necronomicon. Under the book there was a corpse that immediately stood up when Ash and his friends came into view. The corpse wore the outfit of a WWII Nazi commander, his little moustache twitched as he screamed.
“Wowsers!” a chipmunk exclaimed. “Yo, Charlie Chaplin!” Ash loaded his gun.” Bet you NAZI this coming!”
Fireballs flew over the brick wall that provided protection from the demonic possessed girl. Two men were hiding behind it. One who wore a tuxedo and scientist of sort. “It seems this situation goes above both our heads, Dr Banner.” The tuxedo man replied in a Scottish accent. “I think you should have better taste in women, Bond.” Banner replied.
The wall flashed brightly before it began to melt, both men scrambled away just in time as the she-devil floated toward them.
“Dr Banner…” Bond aimed his pistol.” Now would be a good time to get angry.” “That's my secret, James…” Banner's eyes flashed green.” I'm ALWAYS angry!”
A masked duck like creature smirked as he held a comically large mallet and stalked closer to a gargoyle statue. “I can’t believe this is so easy!” With a evil sneer he raised the mallet.” Rest in pieces, Golliath!”
The mallet descended. The duck was stopped however as he was thrown against the wall by liquid glue. “No!” he exclaimed
“I am the terror that flaps in the night, I am the glue that holds everything together...” From purple smoke, a purple masked duck appeared and held his cape in the air.” I AM DARKWING DUCK!”
As if on cue the statue began to move as rocks were thrown in the air and the gargoyle came to life. “Just like you planned, Darkwing.” The creature folded his arms.
“I always knew Negaduck liked to stick around.” DW smirked.
The blue shell came out of nowhere. The impact threw the kart across the track. The vehicle slid to a halt, its debris over half the race track. Wario groaned as he pushed the wreckage away.
”Ooo…that hurts.” His attention snapped to his partner.” Black Knight!” Wario rooted through the debris and picked up the ravaged body of his racing partner. This was meant to be his final race before retirement.
“Tis but a scratch…” the knight said before he expired. “
” Wario cried. A kart drove by as a plumber in green gave Wario the bird. “
DAMN YOU, LUIGIIII!!!
A gryphon flew overhead and picked up a screaming woman before it tore her apart. Blood rained down from the skies as a man wearing sunglasses and a trench coat and a black man in a suit gunned their way through the chaotic monster filled streets, shooting down any dumb bastard that got in their way.
“When I find the motherfucker who opened that fucking box of Panfuckingdora, I’ll cap his ass!” Jules spoke eloquently.
A Cyclops looked up from its meal and saw the two approach. Jc Denton suddenly ran very fast, picked up its club and smashed it across its face. The creature fell as Jules looked on. “Shiiit, nigga!”
“A club’s a good choice for close-range combat.” Denton stated.
Shao Khan smirked as both combatants entered the arena. The man on the left was encased in knight’s armour and brandished a sharp blade while his opponent looked like a automaton similar to Cyrax or Sektor but he seemed devoid of anything human.
“I hope there is a afterlife for you, creature. For I will send you to it.” The knight said. The automaton glared.” You can kiss my shiny metal ass, meat bag.”
Shao Khan heard enough and waved a hand to the announcer. “Lancelot of Camelot vs Bender of New, New York!”
Shao Khan rose.
”ROUND ONE, FIGHT!”
She ran as fast as she could as the raptors chased after her as snow came down through the ruined roof, the windows shook from the raging blizzard outside.
“Aperture Science proudly announces its merger with Ingen, unfortunately that means we also get their vermin problem. But that should be fine because you are also vermin.” A cool feminine voice said.
The test subject ignored GlaDos’ taunts and used her device to shoot two portals, one close to her feet and the other far away. She jumped in the portal and shot out the other end and gained some distance on the raptors.
“I’m sorry, what I said was mean. If you survive the cold and the Jurassic predators I will give you cake. And cyanide. I heard it mixes well together.”
“Go to Innsmouth, cousin Niko.” Roman said.” No cops, Russans or women there who bust your balls!”
True, there were no cops…instead there were cultists, fish people and the eldritch horrors that turned his mind into a abattoir of ill thoughts. But he faced his own horrors in the war and Niko Bellic gladly shared his pain with the cult of Dagon. One shotgun shell at a time.
He blew off the head off one of the fish folk before he looked up. A masked child was playing music as the moon came seemingly grew, an evil smirk on its face.
“Should’ve gone bowling…” Niko reloaded.
“Yo, Mr White!” Jesse shook Walter awake.” DK’s on the phone!”
Walter grumbled as he took the cell phone.” What is it, Kong?” A series of gorilla sounds came through the phone. “Slow them down!” Walter snapped, another series of hoots came.” No don’t throw a blue shell, I don’t want him dead! Call Saul if they arrest you!” he shut it off and turned to Jesse. “Hank is on the way, we need to move!”
Immediately both wrapped up their cooking before they hightailed the van out of the dessert. Jesse looked back and saw a gorilla wearing a red tie on a pile of cars, throwing banana-barrels at the DEA.
”Yeah bitch! Golden banana!”
The two prisoners ran as fast as they could, the chain that connected them clanged against the floor. “How strange is that clinging love we have of freedom even in the excess of this misery!” the young man lamented. "Let's-a go!" the green clad plumber urged his associate.
The duo kept running until they came across a hole in the wall which led to the waterfall down below. A gun clicked behind them.
“ Luigi Mario, Dr Victor Frankenstein! You are under arrest for the murders of Princess Daisy and Elizabeth Frankenstein!” Marshal Gerard shouted.
“"No! Why Luigi do that?" Luigi replied.
“We are not guilty of those heinous crimes!” Victor attested.
“I don’t care!” Gerard exclaimed.
Luigi looked back at the waterfall. He grabbed Victor and jumped through the hole.
“HERE WE GOOOOOOO!”
The bay doors opened as the dark robed cyborg entered Naboo’s docking bay. Slain Stormtroopers and flight personnel lay dead at the base of the newly arrived ship. On its rampart was a man dressed in the garbs of a clown. The clown looked at him, chuckling.
”Do you want a balloon? It’s my holiday after all!” He said and held out one. Lord Vader did not reply, save for his automated breathing, and extended his hand. The clown began to choke.
“The power of the dark side protects me from your pitiful fear magic.” He released the clown.” Show me your real form, I'm in need of sport.”
He began to laugh before IT shapeshifted into large spider monster. Vader calmly drew his light saber. ”Impressive.” He ignited his sabre. ”Most impressive.”
Malcom hated the idea of working together with something that could not be explained by science, but his father’s worsening condition left him no choice. The condition was hereditary as well….
“Have you smurfed?” the blue creature shifted his red cap straight before he stroked his beard. “I have.” Malcom said.” I’ll help you make this…Blue Sky."
The creature smiled.” Smurftastic, with my magic and your intellect we will save Smurf Village and your father. But…. you still haven’t smurfed me your name.”
Malcom paused. Dewey’s books said names were important to magic folk. Mind-control and such. He thought of his favourite poet. Walt Whitman. WW….
“Walter.” Malcom said.” White.”
Silence filled the air as the gunmen stood across of each other in the middle of the town. The fox-like stranger stood with Sherrif Megaman as the wolf and his gang walked up to them.
“This bombed out world will make a fine trophy for Uncle Andross…” the monkey smirked.
“Earth is under my protection.” Megaman said.” Leave now and you may leave with your organs intact.”
“Star Wolf does not negotiate, partner.” Fox drew his blaster, Megaman rose his gun arm.
“We can’t let you do that, Star Fox.” The wolf drew his blaster. The battle for Megaton began.
The Harbinger hologram gloated over Shepard. “You fight against inevitability. Dust struggling against cosmic winds. This seems victory to you, a star system sacrificed-“
Shepard held up her hand.” No, not sacrificed. If anything you fell for my distraction.”
Harbinger paused.” Explain.”
“When I knew the Reapers would all arrive at one spot I called a friend who knew how counter your threat. Yin will cancel out Yang.”
As the first Reaper jumped in via the Mass Relay, it was immediately attacked. One word from the attackers invaded Harbinger’s mind.” EXTERMINATE!”
A strange sound came as a blue box appeared. A man stepped out who straightened his bowtie.
“Allow me to introduce myself, Harbie. I’m a Timelord. But you can call me…the Doctor.”
The skittish man jumped up, gun aimed at the door as Mr Pink entered.
"Holy shi- Put that fucking gun down, Penguin!" Pink shouted.
"Sorry, i'm sorry!" Penguin lowered it.
"Jesus..." Pink closed the door behind him." The fuck happend out there?!"
"Killer Croc went homocidal, I told you he was unreliable!"
"No fucking shit! I thought I was working with professionals here!"
"This is Gotham. What did you expect?"
Before Pink could reply, Mr White carried a wounded man in a red hood inside." Help me , he got shot!" The two helped.
"Was it the Batman?"
"No, Mr Blonde."
I was working at the horse tracks when I came across the strangest sight. A blonde man in carefree of attire, leaning on the white fence, and a woman dressed as a English nanny who held up a parrot parasol. I saw them conversing for hours and hours. They werent arguing or anything, just talking. During my break, i eavesdropped.
"You're not your job, lady." the blonde man said." You're the all singing and dancing crap of the world."
"In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun." she replied.
The blonde smirked. "Without sacrifice, we would have nothing."
To which she smiled. "You understand the merrits of hard work, there might be hope yet, young man."
The creature moaned before the sword of the king of Denmark severed it's head from it's shoulders. "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, indeed." King Hamlet grunted ere he turned to his guest."Are you well, Sir Sebastien?"
"I am not weary, and 'tis long to night oh King Hamlet." Sebastien spoke." Let it be known that Illyria stands with Denmark against this malady!"
Sebastien's jester took a breather from the killing work."Pray tell majesty, why do the dead in your lands not remain so?"
Hamlet scowled. (to be continued tommorow)
"In England I was visited by three witches, who once advised a ill fated king. They claimed death would come to Denmark if i were to slay my traitorious uncle. I thought they meant Fortinbras would seek my ruin...clearly their prophecy was meant literal."
The castle doors burst open as more of the undead poured through. Hamlet aimed his bloodied blade. "Look, there be Fortinbras. The man who ate most of my beloved wife Ophellia's family yet their hunger has not been lessened."
Sebastien stood with Hamlet." Then we will let them dine with steel."
Feste sang as the three charged."With hey, ho, the wind and the rain!"
I'm Vivi Ornitier. Me and my lady friend Eiko recently arrived at Faerûn. I'm a Black Mage, meaning I can set people on fire if they anger me. Thankfully for them I have a long fuse. Unfortunatly for them, I have a good memory. We came to the court of Lord Protector Neverember as jesters but we worked up. We were promoted to Court Conjurers, after "foiling" a magical curse on his life, and then to the inner council. Neverwinter is no Alexandria or Lindblum, it's prosperity in the hands of fools. But I will change that. No more strings.
Normal men would feeze to death on Mount Everest, but not The Ice Queen of Arendelle and the Princess of Kul Turas.
"What can we expect from the Adversary?" Jaina motioned to the portal.
"Bigby Wolf said we can expect hordes of angry goblins along with warlocks, dragons,necromancers and wooden soldiers." Elsa replied.
The blonde mage smirked." Sounds like any other tuesday to me, then."
Elsa swung her arm as ice spikes appeared in front of the enemy portal and the temperature began to plummit. Jaina raised her hand as a water elemental was summoned to aid his mistress.
Ken Masters leaped to another floating platform where a mutant waited for him. "Hadoken!" he threw a blue flame at the creature which burst into flames. His bionics seized after that and he buckled down.
"Damnit..." he groaned in pain. Several flying creatures flew to him, murder in their eyes. Funny, he thought it would've been Bison or Sagat that would be his end.
"Eliza, Ryu....i'm coming home." he closed his eyes and waited for death.
. A phaser sound was heard. When he opened his eyes he saw his jetpack partner land.
"Stand up Dr Masters, to die here would be illogical."
The continent of Westeros is a large and busy places. There are forests, rivers, deserts, mountains and so many other things. There is also a very large railway line called the Royal Railway connecting the various cities such as King's Landing, Casterly Rock, Sunspear, Winterfell and so on. Say, who is that puffing down the railway track? It's Thomas!
Thoma: Hello everyone, welcome to Westeros!
Thomas is a cheery but very busy engine. He huffs and he puffs along the railway lines and whistles when he sees another train or many of the orphaned children along the way.
The war of the five kings has just passed and threw the entire continent into chaos.
"I dont like wars." Thomas thought as he passed the corpse filled Blackwater Bay." The railways get damaged and I cant see my friends up North."
Thomas stopped at King's Landing station where the fat controller was waiting.
"Thomas!" the man said as the city burned behind him." Queen Daenerys Targaryen and that kinslayer Tyrion Lannister have returned with a army of slave soldiers and dragons. King Tommen has ordered you to ride into them with a cargo of wildfire!"
"What a pile of wank." Thomas sighed.
Rain came down in buckets when Chief Charlie Swan made his way to the crime scene.He always hated the amusement park, even back when it was open. He hated clowns and the rides, he had plenty of excitment already on the job. He held his hat as he quickly ran to the white tent where the others were already present.
"It's raining cats and dogs out there." Charlie said. Billy Black coughed at that remark which made Charlie scrape his throat in embarresment." What do we have, Doc Cuellen?"
"A dead vampire." Carlisle replied. Chief Sawn nearly fell over.
"A DEAD vampire?" Charlie asked." I thought your kind were very hard to kill?" The chief looked upon the corpse of the dead vampire.
"My kind are." Carlisle replied." But this type of vampire does not venture this far north."
"Mexican." Billy Black explained." Cursed by Aztec magic."
Charlie rooted through the dead vampire's pocket and took out a match book. The Titty Twister was advertised on it.
"Cause of death?"
Carlisle pointed to the chest." I believe our killer hit five pressure points around the heart with her fingertips, which caused it to explode."
Carlisle sighed. "Gang-war."
Jack Sparrow ran as fast as he could, his hands in the air. He had to dodge and jump away from the treasure chests and barrels that were thrown at him.
"Oh, bugger, oh bugger!" Sparrow whined.
"I'm Pippi Longstocking, from a hey and ho and a hupsasa!" the little girl cackeld as she effortlessly picked up a cannon and lopped it at Captain Jack. He jumped to another ship in the ship graveyard where Gibbs helped him up.
"Gibbs, who..." Jack slurred.
"Pippi Longstocking, Captain. Strongest girl in the world."
"No..." Jack pulled Gibbs closer." Who drank the rum?!"
Jason and his Argonauts had fought many enemies in their travels. From mortal men to gods to monsters, but this foe was the strangest yet. His opponent was a large man who wore a coat and a white mask that covered his face.
"Back, spawn of Hades!" Jason duelled the monster some more. He looked to his Argonauts. Hercules was wrestling a large metal skeleton, Perseus a black serpentine creature and Medea a man with a claw. The masked man raised his sword but fell down as a red-white spear embedded his chest.
"HO HO HO, motherfucker!" Santa Clause cried!
[Hey Top Gun, get this guy off me!]
"Rodger, Tin Man." Maverick replied and flew after the Tie Fighter that tailed Iron Man. The F-14's system tracked the Tie and quickly turned into a fiery ball when his missile hit.
[Thanks, you were always my favourite movie.] Iron Man saluted the handsome pilot. A roar sounded behind them as a large dragon burst through a high rise buiilding.
"Holy shit, what the hell is that?!" Maverick asked.
"That's Smaug." Snow White on the radio said." He has a weak spot on his chest. Iron Man, lead him to my husband."
[On it. Let's punch it to the Highway to the Danger Zone, Maverick.]
"You can be my wingman." Maverick smirked and dived his plane with Iron Man as the dragon followed. Up ahead, Xena defended Bigby Wolf as he got into position.
"Tony, on my mark break left and aim for the weak spot."
As they got closer Bigby turned into the Big Bad Wolf and blew a mighty gust at them. "Mark!"
Maverick and Tony broke left as the gust hit Smaug. [Hold on!] Tony fired a missile at the weak spot as Smaug crashed. He landed near the wolf.
[Good job, Bigby. I always rooted for you in the stories.]
[Who makes their house out of wood anyway?]
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