read
write
members
about
account

 

datedatememberrandomsearch

09/01 Direct Link

What a great day!

The phone call, Phil, my oldest brother.  A great time, large laughs.

Twelve step work - a lot of it. 

Joe - heroin addict, called on a whim, perfectly timed.  He needs to kick - again.  Will he live?

Scott - again in his car.  Child protective service for his son?  Huge question.

Richard -  He wants the peace, he's doing the deal.  Fun.

James - Brand new.  Again.  Two days clean, a mentally ill alcoholic drug addict.  My kind of guy. 

And then the sunset with Kelly, that clear thin golden light of autumn coming on.

Last - my home group.  Home.
09/02 Direct Link

Black bean soup.

Exciting, huh?

It's about all I did today - went and bought the fixings and then made that dang soup, then ate too much of it, and now I feel over-souped, except over-souped isn't a word.

I don't give a fuck.  I'm over-souped.

I was in bed and remembered this commitment.  Clearly, I'm not putting much into this writing.  I am at least doing it, I guess that's something.  Plus, if I ever DO have anything to write, and/ or the willingness to write it - well, I'm primed to carry it off.

I hope this finds you well.
09/03 Direct Link

How could I have missed this for so many years.

Coffee.

Goddamned if I don't just love the stuff.

I've been drinking lattes for years.  Today, I used that same expresso machine but with much courser ground, not fine like dust, and let that water run over it and through it and Lo, there was Coffee.

And it was good.

I quit drinking coffee years ago, when I stopped smoking, and also before I got onto a good stabilizing meds 'stew' for bipolar disorder.  Well, the smokes are gone, the mood is (somewhat) stable, and coffee makes my heart happy
09/04 Direct Link

A great day passed and I can't encapsulate it, nor even a part of it.

It's falling through my fingers as I review, I try to catch shiny bits of it on its way through but it's slipping by.

Fuck.

Here are some bits, I'll try to nail them to the sheet as they pass - time with Barry talking step work, time with Craig talking geek talk, telephone time wiht my mother, time chasing down 'a deal', the sillinesses in that.  Time spent talking with my sweetie, time spent reading, time spent playing Freecell.

And now it's time for bed.

09/05 Direct Link

It's late, real late for me - in recent days I've been heading off to bed at midnight, at the latest.

Not tonight.

2:01am as I key this in; I've just spent about four hours entering last months hundreds.  It'll be lots easier from now on, better software, a much easier setup.

Maybe I'll even enter the days in as the month moves along, instead of waiting til the end.

Doubtful.

Not my style.

I'm all about waiting til the last minute and then going ninety to nothing; my fingers are actually sore, from keying all this crap in.

Done!
 
09/06 Direct Link

Freeware IS the future.

Freedom from the M$ tax which we've paid all these years. Freedom to access your files through any browser on any OS, files stored free, your work anywhere you are.

Googles entire suite of web applications is pretty dang stable and do all that I need them to do.

I look forward to the day that I use a stable Linux OS and have an occurrence of xp in a window for those times when you absolutely MUST use M$ stuff, ie some web pages still insist upon using M$ IE, though, fortunately, fewer each day.

09/07 Direct Link

It's my favorite chair in Houston, in my favorite resturant, awaiting my favorite meal on their menu.  A lovely afternoon, a lovely day, seems summer is leaving early, leaving before beating us to bits, before we're worn to nothing, shattered and battered, crashed, smashed, trashed, bashed to bits by RA's rays, the very cloth of life faded down, easily torn, suspect and worn.  In other places, autumn is a time of harvest, gourds and pumpkins and stalked corn, chill nights and hot cider; in Texas it's a collective sigh, a collective survivors joy and release, respite from the daily burn.

09/08 Direct Link

I laid it out as best I could, gave him a fine print, pocket edition of the AA text, which he said he couldn't read.

So I gave him my reading glasses, a small gift.

He put them on, blew him clean out of his shoes - with them, he could read clearly what was but a smudged blur.

Which is about as good an anolog as you'll find - sponsorship is giving each other the tools to see clearly what's blurred, imperceptible, incomprehensible.

I didn't mention this, let's let him see it if he does, it'll mean twice as much.

Fun!

09/09 Direct Link

I've not had a kid. Maybe I'm shooting blanks - no telling.   I guess I've missed that piece of life, and it's okay with me.   If ever I did have a child I'd hope that I'd not be turned off if Moms body got trashed, but facts are facts and stretch marks are stretch marks; I know myself well enough to know that I'd not stray but also well enough to know I'd want to gnaw on a firm tit sometimes.   It's a huge gift given, and thanks to the women who do give us children, esp if it's your first.

09/10 Direct Link

Naked words.

That's what these are to be, should be, if I'm to keep to the commitment I make when writing daily.

Why waste my time?

I'm in deep shit.

I don't know what to do.  And it seems I am not willing to face it outright.

My life is sinking deeper into chaotic lunacy, the seams are splitting, the threads worn and tearing.

If it's not working, I've got two options:  Get it working or leave the scene.

I love her.  But now that we're settling in, I'm not sure I want to stay. 

Surely she feels the same.

09/11 Direct Link

I hate that I'm all over the map so often.   I've seen so many people get stability, even though it's maybe taken them years, but they do get it.

Not to say I'm not a lot better than I was - I am.   Yeah, I'm all over the map, often, but not as often nor as long as in years gone by.   And the map is smaller, or some such.

And then...

David - Poor bastard!  Devastated by alcoholism- was at the 10:30 meeting.   DT's.   Confusion.   Despair.   David helped me, gave me a different perspective - my problems nothing, my burdens light.

09/12 Direct Link

I hate that I'm all over the map so often.   I've seen so many people get stability, even though it's maybe taken them years, but they do get it.

Not to say I'm not a lot better than I was - I am.   Yeah, I'm all over the map, often, but not as often nor as long as in years gone by.   And the map is smaller, or some such.

And then...

David - Poor bastard!  Devastated by alcoholism- was at the 10:30 meeting.   DT's.   Confusion.   Despair.   David helped me, gave me a different perspective - my problems nothing, my burdens light.

09/13 Direct Link

I sat in the sun today, reading, late afternoon, 91 degrees, low humidity - a beautiful day, pretty as they come in Austin, or anywhere else.   We're coming on autumn, coming into the best time of year here - slap a sweet, beautiful, gentle, golden autumn together with a sweet, beautiful, gentle, green spring.   No winter to speak of. 

The deal you make, living in Austin - suffer the long, hot summers, love the rest of the year.   It's not a deal you'd ever consider making without air conditioning, but with a/c, a positive attitude, and cold, cold, cold iced tea, it's okay.

09/14 Direct Link

L----- is a woman that I've seen around town often, here and there, a South Austin gal, got her a pickup, got her a bike, got her a set of South Austin threads, casual.  She's fit, and sunned up, a pretty woman, her long brown hair tied back.  I'd give better than even odds that she's not had makeup on her face in many a year, if ever.

I spoke with her at some length tonight, first time.

Her heart is good, she wants to live with authenticity, I can't make out if she's wise, or a fool, or both.
09/15 Direct Link

She'd told the cat -  "Get out the closet".   He didn't.  

Frustrated, she gently picked him up.  Gently tossed him four feet away.

She turned to me.   We resumed speaking.

And then she screamed.   Full-out.

He'd stolen behind her, jumped, dug his claws into her ass.   Deep.   Attacked her.   Because she moved him.

A mistake.

I grabbed him - hard - threw him into the john - hard - shut the door.

Fucking jagoff.

He doesn't attack me.   Ever.

He knows I'll trash him.

He knows she won't.

I think I did right.   Seems cut and dried to me.

But - Kelly's afraid of me now.

09/16 Direct Link

The best strength workout I've had in years.

My upper body workout:   Three sets, three exercises, nine total.   Each set to complete exhaustion.

Arms.   Chest.   Shoulders.   Back.

I'm spacing these strength workouts, letting my muscles recuperate fully.



Our bodies say "That's it!  I'm done!   YOU HAVE TO STOP NOW!!!"

Our bodies lie.



They lie to our brains.   Our muscles have LOTS left, but to tap that we must ignore the lies.

I'm training myself to do this.

Today I succeeded.

I crossed a line.   It's different.

And now - results.   I'm beat, my muscles twitching, writhing - they've been worked today.

09/17 Direct Link

This REALLY fucking pisses me off - I'm writing these words as I enter in the month, and I fucking KNOW that I wrote every fucking day and I just can't fucking find the writing for the 17th, so now I have to write some fucking make-up crap and I don't give a flying fuck about it, and worse is that I've lost the words of that day.  Fuck.  FUCK.  God fucking damn it.  Somethimes this whole fucking 100 words thing is just a pain in my fuckiing ass, and it surely is just now; it's Oct 6th, a Friday night,

09/18 Direct Link

I know that I'm one of the luckiest people that has ever lived.  A huge gift, every breath I draw, every move I make should be a prayer.  Of course they are not, I'm such a jerkoff so much of the time; regardless that, they still SHOULD be a prayer.  

Maybe I've been given the gift of my life because they didn't want me on 'the other side', maybe hoping I'll wear off some of my jerkoffness before I head back thataways.

I hope that is the case, because that means I've got a long, long life ahead of me.

09/19 Direct Link

I was so goddamn beautiful here today, I surely do wish that you'd have been able to enjoy it also.

It was lovely as any spring day, the trees and everything else filled with brilliant green, the weekends rain really bringing us some beauty.

Low humidity, low heat (for us), soft winds, bright blue skies, the sun set in that sky being all bright and shit but not burning us, smiling down on us, over us, happy to give us a nice day.

I've you'd have been here I'd have suggested swimming, at Barton Creek, and lazing in the sun.
09/20 Direct Link

This fifth step is one of the hardest I've walked through.   But the fact is that I am not the one walking through; he is the one walking through.   I'm sitting there, I'm listening, at best walking besides.

If he can find forgiveness, if he can forgive these fucks, it's staggering, a triumph of humanity, greatness.

If he doesn't find forgiveness, he'll die.   He'll kill himself, or he'll OD.   Or, worse, he'll live, and life in the kind of pain that's your worst nightmare - ever - except it's not a dream.

I'm asking that you'll pray for him, for strength, courage.

09/21 Direct Link

In order....

A VERY slow start, exhausted from yesterday, that fifth step yesterday afternoon and a very hard bike ride and workout last night.

I went to the AA club but Kyle didn't show.  Cleaned the club, got some placards plastic coated, got some HUGE paper cut into regular-sized printer paper also.

Back home, moped around until the 7:00pm Thursday meeting.   It is great to be back there, I REALLY need what I get only there.

Bought cd's and VHS tapes at library sale.

Starbucks with Kyle.

Then to Kellys, where I write this now completed hundred.

Goodnight now!

09/22 Direct Link

Chronology:

Took Kelly to work.  Then home, little rest.

Noon AA meeting, interesting visitor from England, also interesting newcomer, some drummer, played on this album and that - Bouldin is a trip.

Short time with Kyle, what's next on step four.

Richard doesn't want to work the steps.  Wrote him a gratitude list!  Goodbye and good luck!

New plastic-coating on traditions. 

No acting out, answer to prayer.

Picked Kelly up, perfect Austin afternoon/evening, dinner together.

So sad that home group membership is changing so dramatically and so fast - ie Laurie and Camille - but goddamn, what a great Step Four meeting tonight!

09/23 Direct Link

It didn't rain very much today, but when it did rain it rained hard, heavily.   And it so happened that I was outdoors for much of it - I was soaked to the skin.

That wasn't a problem.  What WAS a problem was that the sun came out after a heavy rain, and the humidity had to be at 100 percent.   I've done real good not bitching about heat and humidity here, have pretty much made it all the way through the summer not moaning about it.

But now it's fall; I feel like I'm allowed one day of pointless moaning.

09/24 Direct Link

Anyways.   I don't know what I'm saying and I'm saying a lot of it.   A phone call would have been better I suspect but I didn't get it done and damned if I'm going to let another day cycle through without contacting you in some manner.

Breaking up is hard to do, the hardest thing that's happened to me in AA recovery, other than death and stuff, though fact is that I'd probably rather die again than go through the breakup I went through in '03.  But it's hard to do, and it's hard to lose you to our group.

09/25 Direct Link

Hey Crackhead -

You risked your freedom (and your life, you fucking cunt - I'll kill you if I catch you, I'll gut you like a fish) breaking into a car, stealing an old cd player that doesn't work.

It isn't worth a rock even if it worked.

You left behind the Nikon sunglasses.  Two hundred bucks, douchebag.  They were right there.  

You took the least valuable item in the car.

I'm inconvenienced.   A hundred bucks for the window.

Your life is trashed.   You'll suck a dead dogs dick if someone gives you a rock.

I wish you a nice night.

09/26 Direct Link

He's almost three years clean/sober, he's also mentally ill - he has bipolar disorder.   As I do.   Many alcoholics have bipolar disorder; we use alcohol to medicate and mediate the experience of motherfucking mania.

In any case.   He called me, late, maybe 10:30.   He's nuts, he's twirling, stark raving sober, his world a pile of shit.

He can't find any peace, regardless what he does.

I have considerable experience in that so gave him what I could, helped calm him, ease him down.

He's acheing, heartbroke, he can't believe his world is a piece of shit.

It goddamn sure is.

09/27 Direct Link

I've been riding fairly seriously in Austin for six years.   Desha showed me trails I've never even heard of.

She's a great rider - 1997 Texas state champion mountain biker - I learned so much, watching her pull away, which she did, effortlessly, time and again.   And not intending to; it's just how she rides.

Blink your eyes - Bang! - she's gone.

Jesus.

She shifts gears constantly, continually, non-stop - women have less strength than men, they ride smarter, use both gears AND muscle.

Desha's looking ahead, chooses a good line, follows it, plans her ride as the trail rolls out.

Great fun!

09/28 Direct Link

"This indecision's bugging me"

But I needn't let it, I can let it rest.

I can drive all the way to El Paso seeing just 800 feet ahead of me, however far my headlights shine at night.   The point being that I only need see what's immediate in my path, let Creative Intelligence sort it all out in its own sweet fucking time.

Utilize, don't analyze; lean heavily upon step six, step seven, invite peace/love/understanding/courage or whatever else the fuck god is or isn't into my fears, let it shine in, shine on.

Because I don't know what to do.

09/29 Direct Link

Yeah, there's brutality.

Honesty also; you betcha.

But there is no such thing as brutal honesty.


Brutalizing people with the truth is never in their best interest, nor in mine.

No one is served, no one is helped.


It satisfies my ego.


Probably the only time it is called for is when a person is completely out of control, needs to be pulled up short, and hard, immediately.   Sortof like a child running headlong towards the street - You must stop them.   No holds barred.   Stop them.   Right Fucking Now.

Fortunately, that's very rare in human interactions.


Love always trumps fear.

09/30 Direct Link

There isn't a cooler museum that I know of; it was the original Lone Star beer brewery, c1903.   After extensive remodelings, it's now four extra-high stories, huge, eccentric, exotic, beautiful.

SAMoA.

San Antonio Museum of Art.

San Antonio is a sleepy town, no pulse whatever, a real yawner.   But it has two world-class art collections, and world-class museums housing those collections.

It's perhaps the best-kept secret in the civilized world.

San Antone also has the only tex-mex health-food resturant I've ever heard of, the best tex-mex I've ever eaten.

We had so much fun; a great afternoon, a beautiful day.