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05/01 Direct Link

Spending time chatting with a friend is relaxing, online or on the phone or just slumming around, having an afternoon of it or what have you, someone who really understands the whole of the picture, is smart and fun and funny and has depth and character.

I'm thinking of Elise as I type this; she was all that and more.

Writing this has got me to missing her again.

I sure am sad that we didn't get more time together.     I wanted her to be a life friend, she sure was deep enough and goddamn sure was funny enough.

Goddamnit.

05/02 Direct Link

Hope?

Not today.

Not that its a bad day -in fact, it's been pretty darn good; long rest, slow start, chores tended to, both sides of the chair as a sponsor, a perfectly beautiful day here in Austin, everything blown out by yesterdays windy storm, the air fresh and clear and warm and beautiful, doors open, sunlight streaming into the room.

So it's not that its a bad day.

It's just that I don't feel hope.     I don't feel hopeless but I don't feel hope.

And these hundreds are to be true, a reflection of the state of my state.

05/03 Direct Link

I don't know what to write about here.

Disquiet in my heart, other words written this day.

Aside from that, a good day, and the biggest piece in it the bike ride, and the biggest piece in that was the absolutely stunning beauty of the sunset moonrise, the air still cleared by the storm on Saturday and not too much humidity, one of the prettiest evenings this year, and I caught it from one of my favorite vantage points, while listening to one of my favorite cds.

And the chat with Judith and Nicole was very helpful, and great fun.

05/04 Direct Link

I mean, for chrisakes, it's comfort, it's not a guy thing or a gal thing.     I live in Austin and everyone wears sandals everywhere and why not, they're great.     I mostly wear boots because I like them and especially now since I'm working in remodeling and trying to look professional but fact is I wear sandals without thinkng about it.

I think if everyone put a pair of Chaco sandals on their feet the world would be better - they're the best.     Only problem I have with them is that they don't have a sandal that clips into my bike pedals.....

05/05 Direct Link

Love of and for a friend in a time of change, a time of laying it on the line.     That was the biggest piece of my day without a doubt, great to be able to be a friend to a person I admire so, honored by this trust.     Hearts on the line.     Cool.

And it was a day of work, lots of it and ongoing through the day, not heavy but constant and intense, dragass tired leaving the job.

And then the bike ride, the fun in it, the beauty in it, the joy in the workout - endorphins rock.

Bedtime.

05/06 Direct Link

Started slowly, awkwardly, and with some fear but I did start and I did move and the day layed out in front of me to be walked through and damned if it didn't just get better and better.

The detox AA meeting.

Gave Kelly his cash, talked about business, taxes, god.

Chat online with Nicole - fun!

Planned pc purchase.

Got a fistful of cash from Ranleigh, likely more coming, and a great chat.

The fun call to Duff - what a great broad!

Finally, the MONSTER DEATH BIKE RIDE AND WORKOUT FROM HELL!!!!!!

And now home, eased, happy, smiling, tired.

Bedtime.

05/07 Direct Link

I chatted online with Judith.

I went with a friend for brunch, I went to the bank, I bought a new puter and printer (the printer cuz it's free after rebates and I'm gonna ebay it, the puter for 'the experiment' - let us pray...)

I chatted online with Nicole.

I celebrated with friends a way of life, enjoyed their company immensely.     My tribe.

I heard a man tell his story, funny as hell, moving, poigniant.

I was told, and not for the first time, that I've lost way too much weight way too fast - seems anorexia is hammering me again.

05/08 Direct Link

This day uneventful to the point of boredom, almost lunacy.
This day uneventful to the point of boredom, almost lunacy.
This day uneventful to the point of boredom, almost lunacy.
This day uneventful to the point of boredom, almost lunacy.
This day uneventful to the point of boredom, almost lunacy.
This day uneventful to the point of boredom, almost lunacy.
This day uneventful to the point of boredom, almost lunacy.
This day uneventful to the point of boredom, almost lunacy.
This day uneventful to the point of boredom, almost lunacy.
This day uneventful to the point of boredom, almost lunacy.

05/09 Direct Link

So it's been bothering me, what people have been saying about my losing weight.

And it ought not be.

Yeah, I'm thin, and yeah, I've lost a lot of weight over the past few years, and yeah, I've dropped a lot real fast here recently but I don't give a fuck and I'm fit as hell and I'd rather be lean than fat anyways.

And how is it anyone elses business, what the fuck is this, people coming up to me 'You're really losing weight'.     Well, no shit, dumbo; I've got a mirror.

But I've let it get to me.

05/10 Direct Link

Absolute rock solid competence:   Monday afternoon detox AA meeting.     Grounds me; a place of complete certainty.     I have good information, present it well, have fun doing so.

I tell them my truth;   in so doing I often tell them their truth.

Talked wtih my shrink and with my therapist about my .44 magnum back door;   I'm facing it, maybe not directly, maybe so.

I just don't fucking know.

A sadness, coming in on perhaps a deeper level, that I'll not ever be with Elena, share the life I so longed for with her.

Confronting it brings on the ache, yet again.

05/11 Direct Link

The sun is shining, streaming through the windows of my condo, often my favorite time of day here (ten to seven), the best light in this room, the sun laying upon the books stacked on my dining room table and on the plants in front of the window, and upon the clutter in that part of the room, frames awaiting canvas, canvases awaiting color, piles of envelopes, some opened and some not, the lint of life laid out across the room.

I'm a lint of life sort of guy.

I surely do want order.

But it is not something that I have.

05/12 Direct Link

Zeros and ones flipping bits into bytes becoming letters forming words on a screen in a room across the continent from another room, streaming freindship and fun and laughter and love.

An odd friendship but I don't question it - I know that it's a gift.

I call her Half-Life; she is almost exactly half my age.

She's smarter than you are, damn sure smarter than I, her brain wired differntly; immediate access to places we'll never see, tangled access to places we walk daily.

An amazing life, one of the most couragageous people I've ever known.

What a great broad!

05/13 Direct Link

My first hundred written on the new puter.

A day of puter networking, and downloading, and head scratching, and a victory at the end of it - Yeah !!     Puter fun !!     And more in the next week also.

The business relationship with Jim is finally gone and thank god, not a good fit for either of us.

And I took in the detox meeting again today, standing in for a guy I sponsor who was unable to make the commit, and it was good, good for me and good for a terribly frightened bipolar alcoholic woman needing information I know inside out.

05/14 Direct Link

A very slow start, and then a noon meeting, and then the fun of the friendship with Roger, and helping him, and using tools, manly man sort of stuff, and then a latte, a nice chat.

And LOTS of time dicking around with puters again today, and MORE again tomorrow, almost certainly, but it's ok, a good learning experience.

A bike ride chosen over a meeting, and meeting Rick on that ride, the beauty of his colors and the honesty of his life, all very appealing.

I must get color going again!     I've ideas, paint, canvases galore, I must move.

05/15 Direct Link

They call it lemon pepper.

That's not what it is.

It's full of just all manner of shit, lots of salt, god only knows what else - it's small print, I don't feel like fucking around checking it out.

MY lemon pepper is so goddamn good!

Two ears, fresh corn; cut off the kernels, cook gently.     Just enough.

Small organic lemon; peel half the zest into the corn, remainder into nice, tall, blue water glass.

Halve the lemon, squeeze over the corn.     Squeeze what's left into same glass.

Grind pepper over the corn.

Eat the corn.

Drink the water.

Be happy.

05/16 Direct Link

A magnificent day in Austin Texas.

Perhaps the finest spring in the twelve years I've lived here.

To have a cool run this late in the year is unheard of.     Austin has had two of them this month, cool but sunny.

Completely perfect.

Bike ride of course.     Walked Joe also, probably six miles.

Fun in the sun.

My feet - sore.

My face - red.

My puter - sorta working.

And I was graced with a perfect solution, dead on - Suffering Confined.

I didn't want to turn loose the painting, the drawing, the crosses.

And I don't have to.

05/17 Direct Link

I'm scared.

The woman who has shown me more love than any other person told me tonight that she has cancer, going under the knife next week.

Goddamn right I'm scared.     Cancer can be a bastard, fly like the wind, bring devastation, unpredictable as hell, it's worse than love.

I'm like "Why not jump into it this afternoon, immediately, NOW!" - I'd NEVER fuck around if I had cancer, not for ten minutes, if the doc wouldn't grab his knife I'd grab one of my own, start hacking away.

It's in the weave of life, something she is facing.

I'm scared.

05/18 Direct Link

I've been running around with an old buddy, surely is a cool guy.

He's stable as a rock.     But I don't know that I've ever seen eyes as intensely joyous when cutting up, it's like 'COME ON, MAN - LET'S ROLL !!!'

And I like to roll, but often get caught in my head and also in my home, I don't get out into the day.     He cracks my ass up - he is insistent, 'Get out of this dump, let's get in the sun, throw a ball around, I gotta move, work up a sweat, chase cats, pee on a tree'.

05/19 Direct Link

I was caught in my head.

I couldn't find my heart.

Couldn't pray, damn sure couldn't meditate.

My soul stuck yet again in a mess of gooey, sticky sludge.

Caught.

Stuck.

Fuck.

So I jumped on that fucking bike and blew it out, HARD HARD HARD and god it was fun, I'm using the gears so much better on those goddamn hills, keep pumping those legs regardless how steep, and so goddamn much fun on the downgrades, flying, heart racing, soul singing, sweating like a sonofabitch but who gives a rats ass, I'm having a fucking blast!

I recommend this.

05/20 Direct Link

I sat at the river in the beautiful light, an astonishing blue on the water as dusk slid to night, and in that beauty I surrendered yet again, asked release of the ache, the sadness in it, and I cried yet again tears of love lost, my soul alive with pain, anguish.

I said to Elena words I've said only to one other, and that thirty years ago, and no idea what those words meant.

And this time I did know, and the tears flow and the ache flames fiercely, and I know that this will be with me always.

05/21 Direct Link

I rarely throw in the towel until I've wiped tears off my face with it.

I wish it was different, I wish I was different.     But it isn't.     And I'm not.

And it's not that I don't want to throw in the towel - I surrender as best I can as I'm able to do so.

But I can't force surrender.

I can set the stage.     But even that is working a game, I've still got my fingers in it, I'm still manipulating it, playing it, running the show.

Let it hang, and suffer the death.

And then - Easter.

05/22 Direct Link

Exhausted from the ride, the workout;   tremendous fun, very intense, twelve miles full out, then exercise to exhaustion, endorphins in the sunset.

Listened to a song about what I'm doing tonight as I rode, a song about living in the eye of a hurricane, keep running, hard as I can, keep in the blue skies.

It truly sucks to meditate to avoid facing a fact squarely.

Or maybe I'm not doing that.     Maybe I'm just finding some balance, or trying to.

No telling.

Maybe I'm just tired, and hungry.     It's been a great day; social fun in the sun.

Bedtime.

05/23 Direct Link

The time with Bob and his family, stepping deeper yet into that friendship, the beauty in it, and the fun in it, on a beautiful Sunday in Austin Texas.

My buddy Joe, the dog, shredding my brand new carpet - cause for anger there, to be sure.     I'll not leave him in this house again if I'm not here, I'm thankful he is going back to his home soon.

I'm no longer a dog person.     Nor a cat person.     It just isn't a fit for me any more, I don't like the intrusion into my space and time.

ninety-nine, one hundred

05/24 Direct Link

It happened quietly.

It happened quick.

I didn't understand what was happening.

It happened anyway.

She was so lovely.     Heartachingly lovely.

Completely open to me.

Completely accepting of me.

She made certain I knew.

Every gesture.

Every posture.

Every look.

It was all there, for me.     For me.

I was eighteen.

She was fifteen.

Children.

But it was real.

Marriage.

I was nineteen.

She was sixteen.

We made huge mistakes.

I would not forgive.

I pushed her away.

She left.

I shattered.

In time, we made peace.

Katherine Eileen.

She would have been forty-six today.

I shall love her always.

05/25 Direct Link

A day of digital work, testing and learning, growing the network as best I can, lots of frustrations and some victories also.

This is more work than I thought it would be.

It's taking longer than I thought that it would.

It has gotten my interest, and has held it, and will hold it.

It may make some money.

That would be nice.

But first I've got to get it set up and rolling, and I'm not there yet.

Given what happened today, I'm betting I won't be there tomorrow either.

A slow build of a strong system…

Bed time.

05/26 Direct Link

A nice day, started with solid prayer and meditation and interspersed with same throughout, a pleasure to walk through it.

And a good chat with a good friend, always fun.

Technical competence?     Not yet, but coming…

A gorgeous sunset in the west, and reflected upon the buildings downtown to the east, an amazing workout in that beauty.     I've never seen such beauty reflected upon the buildings, in particular the tallest building, which had every color on the palette brilliantly reflecting and then softer but the same colors, and then softer yet, luminous and gorgeous.

I was glad to be there.

05/27 Direct Link

I've just discovered one of life's truths - typing cannot be done well with fingers taped together.

This damn sure isn't one of the biggies but hey, at least I have the answer - take the goddamn tape off while typing.

It's not like I need it at the keyboard, not much chance of harm here.     But I get it hung all over the place and in the damdest ways and to prevent it I've taped it to the next finger.

Today was much bigger than what I've written about here, it's almost stunning that I'd choose to write about tape.

Jesus…

05/28 Direct Link

My practice has never been as strong as it was a few years ago.

I was at that time in deep forgiveness of everything I could be, deep as I could, practiced in a deep disipline.

Then.

9/11/2001.

The most beautiful piece of warfare in my experience.

Awesome.

Hatred was a refuge.

It sickened me, ate into me, like pouring acid in a leather sack.

I've practiced these past three days, strong intention acted upon.     It's been great.

I sometimes wonder if I'll get back to where I was - now THERE'S a fools question.

Regardless, this has been really nice.

05/29 Direct Link

Full-tilt, all-out, uphill, into the wind, legs pumping, howling both agony and exultation, even harder on the downhills, sweat burning my eyes, music wailing full blast   PUSHING !!   PUSHING !!   PUSHING !!

GO GO GO MOTHERFUCKER !!

ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL !!

GO !!

I hit nine miles quivering, every pore streaming, steaming, gleaming wet, gulping air, gut clenched, completely alive.

Rest.

Water.

Outdoor shower - rinsed myself, the bike; it's so pretty!

Two hard miles to the bridge, workout in the moonlight, sweat pouring again, mind roaring again, spirit soaring again, joy to have that workout in that light.

05/30 Direct Link

A barefoot day…

Day four:   prayer/meditation, twice daily.

It eases the whole of the day.

Fun with Bob, sponsorship, both sides of the chair, each Sunday that friendship becomes richer, the trust grows, it's fun but it's good too, sound, based upon mutual need and support in the steps but it's friendship also.

It's good.

And then the party at Louis and Monica's house; old friendships renewed, that piece of the day eased through, gentled through, fun and natural.

Then a bike ride through humidity thick enough to eat with a spoon, no breeze, sweat pouring - Jesus.

Ninety-nine, one hundred

05/31 Direct Link

It flew directly toward me just after the hail stopped.

It came ZAM !!! over the building next door on a bearing directly toward me, at the last moment flew up and over the roof.

I don't have any idea what kind of bird it was, nor care;   it was just a fucking bird.

It was cooler than hell.

I'm taking it as an omen.

And I don't know what this omen might mean, nor care, but I'm taking it as positive - moving fast, and with grace and beauty, just after the huge storm.

A huge day, amazing, and fun.