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08/01 Direct Link

The best of the day the conversations with friends.

An addict alone is in bad company.   I've proven this many times, did so today.

But then I saw L.E., and chatted with her, and began to get my bearings, my feet on the ground.   And then I spoke with Tina, and then with Susan, and just now with Jim, and my little soul is now at ease.

The prayer, reflection, and meditation didn't hurt either.

But prayer is not enough - I'm a social animal.

A good thing but hard to manage sometimes, difficult for me to extend beyond my walls.

08/02 Direct Link

Sitting here in my favorite jeans, my painters pants, had them probably ten years - they are stiff with paint, one of my proudest possessions, color and style all of their own.

They're cool.   When I'm wearing them I feel cool, and maybe I am.

No telling.

But I think I am, and I don't care if you tell me different - I'll not listen.   Plus, you don't have my phone number anyways.   And I'll damn sure ignore your emails.

The colors drained from my soul all these months - is this a sign?   Are the colors back?

I goddamn sure hope so...

08/03 Direct Link

The fact is that it was a good day today, though I sure fought it hard.

I don't know why it is that I won't pray until my hair is on fire.

I didn't pray today; all was well but it didn't feel that way, until I set it down and aired it out, allowed the peace into my day.

It's right there, it's at hand, closer than my skin - all I need do is turn to it.

The human story - fighting against the freely given peace.

Meeting with Bob, both sides of the chair, really gave me a lot.

08/04 Direct Link

And I'd have to say that the meeting was the best of the day, though there has been much in this day that was good and it damn sure was a full day.

Started badly, unable to sleep until after two, and I'd intended to be up and about at 5:25am.   The mania had other ideas, as it often seems to.

So it started later than I had planned, and it started slow, but it was good, and is good.

Productive.   A productive day.

Travel tommorrow, getting on that big plane headed west....

Bye-bye Texas; be back soon!

08/05 Direct Link

It's been a bit better than a year since I crossed the Arizona line headed home.   In that year I've written seriously for the first time in my life, started last July, writing the hundreds each day.

It's been great.

This is my first Arizona hundred - can you feel the dry on these words?

A pleasure to be here, especially as this is a visit, and not social work.

My sister is free from many of her problems, she is quite happy.   It's a pleasure to see this.

The best of the day is being in the warmth of family.

08/06 Direct Link

I sat at table with my sister, my brother, his wife, my mother, my father.   A sumptious meal spread out before us - my sister-in-law a gracious host.

Instead of our father praying, which is what we've done in our family at gatherings when he is present, my brother suggested that we all put in our piece of prayer, go around the table.

There is an imtimacy in prayer, and there is of course an intimacy in family.

All families have problems; to sit at the same table is a testament to growing maturity, to sit in this imtimacy a gift.

08/07 Direct Link

Days like today make it evident why I ought not to spend any amount of time with my parents, why I ought always to have things planned, to breeze in and out of the house.

I sure love these folks but I sure don't know how to get on with them.   And it's not for them to change, or for me to want them to, it's for me to accept them as they are, be polite, be friendly, put them off if/when they step over the line, but do so in a pleasant manner.

I didn't do this today.

08/08 Direct Link

Woke up to the sound of my father calling my name, and then into the day, started late but it was damn sure made up for as it went on.

Family was the biggest of the day, and the most of the day also, but then there was the run down to Tucson, where I type these words, and chatting with Susan and John, and learning some of his life, and catching up on hers.

And your day may have been as good as mine, but it was not better, a day I couldn't have put together had I tried, a gift of life.

08/09 Direct Link

Climbing to the top of the hill, the sun low in the sky, the sweat running some, looking out for snakes, as this is their time of day.

It's my favorite place on the planet, the saguaros soaring, everything hot, everything prickly, everything toughened to the hardest elements North America can throw at it.

The sunset was beautiful, monsoon season bringing in the clouds to color up the sky.

I was here forty days last summer, my forty days and nights desert tour, I want real bad before I die to spend forty days living in the heart of this.

08/10 Direct Link

One hundred seventeen degrees is not all that bad, not really, I've seen 116 in Austin, with humidity three times what there is in Phoenix.

But I'm not going to mention that, it damn sure wasn't the biggest thing of my day.

Certainly, the biggest part of my day was being with my parents.   It could easily be the last time I see both of them alive, each day that they are above ground a gift.

Their physical decline is steep, thus fast.

It breaks my fucking heart.

And it's life, it's whats waiting for me, for you, for us all.

08/11 Direct Link

A beautiful desert sunrise, rose and soft orange and I don't know what all, I do know that it was beautiful, and early - five fifteen am.   And then onto the big bird, home to Austin.

And then to the detox, the wall of denial faced there most Mondays, yet again try to give them hope.   And today a rough crowd, filled with the pain as always but also anger, and hatred, and the flat cold baleful eyes.   Connection with a few of them but only a few.   I'm now finding a rythem of sorts there.

And now the rain...

08/12 Direct Link

A slow day, a lot of sleep, my first day back from the desert usually a slow one, this one no exception.

I am so prone to trouble if/when left to my own devices.

An addict alone is in bad company.

This doesn't change just because that addict alone is in recovery, though I, personally, believe that it ought to.

What I personally believe is beside the point.

Heck...

But as the day went on I fell back into line, and back into some sort of happiness, and as I key these words I'm feeling spiffy, keen - swell!

Bedtime.

08/13 Direct Link

It goddamn sure does bug me, and is bugging me, to know that I'm not writing worth a fuck in these pages, in these words, in these hundreds.

I've written well here in times past but not at all recently, it's a task to get these words down every day, much less to put them together with anything approaching style or grace or fun, leastwise not most of the time.

It hurts like a bastard - I know how badly blown down I got by that goddamn manic run last fall, and the crash, I'm still not back, may never be.

08/14 Direct Link

I was in bed, it came to me that I'd not yet written these words.

I was turning the light out.

I'm tired, frowsy, nonsensical, I don't want to do this, but goddamned if I'm gonna miss a day if I happen to think about it.   Todays words may really suck, but goddamn if I'll miss keying in a hundred, once it lit on my mind.

Tonight at seven, my good friends, a place I really belong; I arrived early, hope to do so from now on - a nice thing to shuffle around with the others who set things up...

08/15 Direct Link

The best of the day the bike ride at sunset, the beauty of the clouds lighting as the sun finally showed through, rose and soft, soft orange, and blue and gray and a very gentle green.   And then after the color show, as I rode the bike home along the river, the soft beauty of the dark reflections on slow water, the cool air of the evening pulling the sweat of the ride off of me.

The only other notable part of this day was the 5am phone call to Terree, the fun of that, and the happiness in that friendship.

08/16 Direct Link

The light in the day was in the meeting, with David calling the two doors, his words putting my experience out there succinctly, and comicly also. It was funny; black humor to be sure but humor nonetheless; it brought us some happiness in the day, a burden shared.

Chris calling to cancel our meeting, and me not much caring about it - seems as though it's not to be for me at this time, I'll goddamn sure not lie just to get laid, I'll not get involved in silliness.

I've got to finish the rewrite, get it to those who care.

08/17 Direct Link

The best of it was, of course, with Bob.

What a great guy!

I am goddamn sure lucky there.   I'm smiling as I key this in, just thinking of his friendship.

It's a damn good thing.

He's a damn good sponser. He damn sure cares about me.    And I about him.

I'm his sponsor also, and that would damn sure be easy to get lost in, for either of us, but it doesn't appear to me that either of us has done so, we've maintained the boundries in our roles, either side of the chair.

I feel hope.

Thanks, Bob!

08/18 Direct Link

Two things today.

The detox meeting, the best hour of my day by far.   I am at my best there, it is what I do best, it is where I feel completely at home; I know the topic, I know the people, I give the information and I give the joy of it.

The other is in the rewrite, in moving the words to where I want them, the time of it but also the fun of it.    I wanted more done on this day but I got done what I did, and this day is now done.

And another one tommorow.....

08/19 Direct Link

So here is my missed day; I'm writing this one September first, as I prepare all of the others and put them online.    I usually do this in one big blast of work in the first few days of the following month, doing them this month on the first, enjoying a gray and rainy day here in Austin, the cool of it and the soft light sure nice on the eyes after a long, Texas summer.

And it feels as though it's close to over, though we know it isn't; summer lasts forever here.

But this is a good start.

08/20 Direct Link

So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly.

08/21 Direct Link

A grand day, much reading, much hanging out in my home, but the reading was very good, and then the rewrites have been great, almost done now, really looking good, hope to finish tomorrow, and believe I will, too - it's mostly done, and done well, too.

The meeting tonight was great, and sitting with Dana in that meeting a pleasure - such a fine gal, such a fun person, such a great smile.    It's a lift just to be able to hang around with her; friendships are imperative.

Missing Amy and missing Matthew tonight, my slash and burn way of life.....

08/22 Direct Link

The only thing of note I've done today is to finish the rewrites, a damn good thing.   Not a goddamn thing else, my life as flat as a board, boring as hell, sick of my self and sick of the book just now, and bored bored bored.    This will certainly be a shitty hundred, I'm writing cuz of the commitment and no art here tonight and no love of the words, I'm just gonna spin it out till the counter hits one hundred, and then hang it up for the night, and I am damn sure hoping one hundred comes

08/23 Direct Link

The biggest happiness of the day today - and, honestly, the only real one, or the only one of note anyways - was in reading the rewrites, and in minor revisions of same.    I know that it's vain and almost certainly silly, but I damn sure had fun doing it, loving on it some more, and lauging my ass off over parts of it.

I don't know if my writing will tickle anyone else, but it damn sure does me.

It's fun!

And funny, too.    I can't wait to get it into the hands of those close to me, get their reactions..

08/24 Direct Link

There has to be peace there somehow.

If only there was an Israeli MLK, or a Palestinian MLK, or a Ghandi on either side, or a Jesus.    Somehow, some way, there will have to be a person with tremendous spiritual intelligence, and courage, and leadership abilities to resolve this nightmare.

One thing I know - we will never get an accurate idea from our media.    So I am always on the lookout to find different ways to find out what is going on, I find it important to have a fairly clean world view.    You have helped me in this quest.

08/25 Direct Link

In the mind of a lost soul at the end of a run is a horrifying confusion, they cannot make sense of what has happened.

Denial dogs their every step.

They long for the ache to end, they've been seeking release as they know how.    Many of them close to death, shivering and shuddering, torn and broken and once more in a detox.

A sunny Monday afternoon.

I tell them the truth in their very own tongue, smiling and sober and clean, I am hated, loved, reviled, respected, often by the same person in the same hour.

What a blast!

08/26 Direct Link

I like what little I've picked up thus far about the instructor, I am damn sure surprised at how excited I am to be in school again, how lifted I am at the thought of learning things which I am actually interested in, as opposed to all those goddamn data processing classes I loathed, and was not at all suited to.

I bought today pencils and paper and charcoals and graphite in various form, and put it all into a folio; it sits now in the pickup waiting for tomorrow afternoon, when I shall head northwest, crosstown to the studio.

08/27 Direct Link

Drawing is sure fun.   Today the first lesson, and seems that hes a good instuctor, it was seamless, and easy, and fun, and the time went fast, though I have to say that I was pretty dang tired at the end of the class.

And I am surprised at my abilities, which are of course raw but there are there, they are not nonexistant.   It is great to move the pencil around and not feel as though I need to prove something or other.

And then tonight in the club was great fun, fast sketches, no time to be embarrassed....

08/28 Direct Link

So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly.

08/29 Direct Link

So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly. So here is my one hundred, damn sure done poorly.

08/30 Direct Link

Depression.

Sleep long - long - and then wake slowly, yearn to hide, move slowly.    Were it not for a good friend calling, I'd have spent the entire of my day alone in my home.    My disorderly home...

So today it was friendshp that saved the day, it was friendship that was of greatest importance.    Yesterday also; a friend came through, a call, saying he was thinking of me.

And I've headed back into the prayer, and into the meditation.    It was so easy to set that down, happened over a period of months.    But I'm back now, and it is good.

08/31 Direct Link

Prayer with Bob, the intimacy, ego flattened as we held hands, immediate entrance into the presence, and into the joy of the day, the beauty of it.    This practice one of the best I'm involved in, one of the best things I know to do, both for myself and for the other party, and when the relationship is longstanding and understanding, as is the case with Bob, it's always a rich piece of the day.

And the whole of the time with Bob was good, both sides of the chair; I am lucky to have this willingness to be teachable.