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02/01 Direct Link

Three weeks ago, I awoke as from slumber and found myself in the ruins.

Almost at a standstill and for so long, caught out in the open, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

Inertia dogs every attempt at movement.

But I have been trying. When I can, as I can.

I can't believe how sick I got, how fragile I still am, the healing slow and uncertain. Thank god I am not destitute; many who get as sick as I did fall through the cracks. I may yet.

I have support in holding on, people who care - I am lucky.

02/02 Direct Link

The noon meeting was great. Broken mystics. A small, honest group, a step out of time.

And then three hours, three friends, attempting as we do to align with principles which bring grace.

Sponsor day.

It was good. It wasn't great, no moments of huge closeness, no epiphanies, just people open to change, the process of humility.

And then time spent writing prayers, perhaps the scrawl of the pen will cement my attention to what I am doing, attach attention to intention.

The clock is running, the sands pouring out: Is there lasting peace to be found in my life?

02/03 Direct Link

Training a dog using a choke chain and lead is easy, and fast.

Fear and negative reinforcement teach with blazing speed, esp since most dogs want to please. It also establishes the trainer as the alpha.

There are downsides; both parties have the cruelty to deal with. Once you start training using fear and negative reinforcement, it's the way you're going to continue if you want results.

A better way, though slower for sure, may be through love, outwitting the animal, use intellect, rise above the dogs games, find its character and use it to best advantage, each dog different.

02/04 Direct Link

A slow process, and painful, also.

If I did not have patience prior to this, I'll absolutely be able to learn it now.

I remember reading that it took Roosevelt a year to learn to move his toe, or something to that effect, how difficult it was for him but what it gave him.

I can move my fucking toes.

It's my life I cant move.

Or I cannot move it fast anyways, it's like walking in gel, swimming in mud, and about as much fun, about as enticing.

I fucking hate this.

I am glad this day is done.

02/05 Direct Link

This is my cheat day, actually writing this on the sixth of February and not on the fifth, can't believe how easy it is to get behind once I've set this disipline down for a few weeks - I stopped writing about the middle of January, then picked it back up February first.

What can I say about the day yesterday? It was good I suppose, nothing sticks up too high and catches my mind, just another day stumbled through, mumbled through, tumbled through. I got by, which, given my past few months, is plenty good enough.

And now I'm done.

02/06 Direct Link

A norther blew in today.

For those of you who don't know Texas terminology, a norther is a cold front, blasting down from the north. The bottom fell out this afternoon, the temperature dropped fast, the wind kicked up, and now it is quite chill here, and worse on the way. I've seen tremendous drops in temperature in amazingly short time, but today was not as drastic as some.

A norther often blows out anything in its way, so once it gets here the skies are often the bluest blue you willl ever see.

Todays Texas Terminology lesson now completed.

02/07 Direct Link

So I didn't do a goddamn thing of worth today, nor a thing of note. So what am I going to write about?

The cold? Big deal. It's winter, supposed to be cold. So I wore a coat today. Wow.

Big deal.

I didn't paint nor write nor do anything else worthwhile.

I read.

I wasted another day.

I spoke with my parents; that was good. This depression of mine scares the shit out of them, and me too. How I wish I could move!

But I am stuck fast. Nothing happening.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

02/08 Direct Link

And the big deal of my day today - my brother is coming to visit me, later this month.

This is a huge deal, a great thing - I've felt so alone in my family, have given so much and have felt that it's been a one way gift so much of the time, but my brother, who I've told the troubles I'm having, has asked if he could come down here and spend some time with me.

Could he? My god, I am so welcoming of him.

Immediately after his call, another friend called; I may be able to make money.

02/09 Direct Link

Another day alone, another night alone.

That is the constant. Regardless whatever else in my life, I awaken alone, I go to sleep alone.

It is the most pathetic slimebag life I can imagine.

It is hell.

If I don't have love, whatever else I do have isn't enough - how could it be? It isn't.

And I've got plenty of other things.

But I am so fucking sick and so fucking tired of being alone all of the goddamn time.

What a wasted life.

I will never understand why it is that I've had to spend this motherfucker alone.

goddamnit.

02/10 Direct Link

I'd forgotten all about it.

Getting up and going to work - what a concept!

Almost two years since I've done it, but I did it today, with a buddy.

It was good.

And more tomorrow. An easy start time of nine am, leave here about eight-thirty.

Today was so much more than that but that is what comes as I sit here - it was an incredibly busy day, done on just about four hours of oh so drugged sleep.

I am tired, and setting myself up for another manic run if I am not careful - I hope I sleep tonight.

02/11 Direct Link

So goddamn tired, and physically tired also - work, while fun, is taxing on me, wearing on me, but fun. It is fun to work with my hands again, and work with another of similar competence.

I never minded working with my hands, what I didnt like was not making any money. And if I can learn to make money while doing this, or make enough to get through, that's enough for me to be happy.

I'd love to build my own home also. And I'd love to build a few homes, sell them, then live in one for almost free.

02/12 Direct Link

Sore and tired and feeling ok overall - work was fun today, till the last hour, when it was draining and ongoing and I'd lost my snap. But we had some fun and we make a good team, our skills complement one another, and who knows, maybe well partner up for the long run. I'd sure love to learn how to estimate, regardless if this thing lasts with us working together or not - if I know how to price the work I can just get it myself, and it seems as though there is lots of it out there.

I'm done.

02/13 Direct Link

It's almost over now, my yearly travail - Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Years, and now, almost, Valentines day. Once past that, I'm free for another eight months or better, until the goddamn anxiety and depression about the whole fucking thing begins again.

Fucking Valentines Day, fucking holidays - they all just suck if you're alone, and I usually am.

It is the best day of the year for me, February fifteenth, the day when I can walk out carelessly, no more of this shit.

When I see lovers walking hand in hand, I hope they get hit by a fucking bus.

02/14 Direct Link

It wasn't his fault.

It was just a miscalculation.

Hed been going for days now.

The colon is highly porous, tapped by huge blood vessels.

The veins in his arms were all played out.

Hed taken the point off the rig, lubed it, shoved it deeply up his ass, pushed the plunger hard.

The methamphetamine hit his brain almost instantaneously, and just that fast the knowlege that it was an overdose.

Overdose on speed - well, it holds your interest.

He was too stunned to move, heart hammering, brain roaring, pants still down.

The room was disorderly.

The seconds ticked by.

02/15 Direct Link

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

It's all bullshit.

02/16 Direct Link

I went to a noon meeting, and in that meeting ran into an old lover, newly clean and sober. It was good to see her, and a surprise - I did not know that she'd ever make it into AA. But she did, and we sat together, and it was nice.

I hope she gets this thing.

Not many do, not over the long run.

There are many reasons to run and hide.

I've tried most of them.

They don't bring relief.

And it's relief that you seek, when you hit the doors of AA.

No one gets there by mistake.

02/17 Direct Link

I have no idea what I am to do with my life, and this has been going on for far too long.

Writing the book was a blast but - now what? Does that lead anywhere?

Painting is a blast but - now what? Does that lead anywhere?

I love to give of myself to people but - now what? Does that lead anywhere?

What the fuck am I supposed to do next?

Christ...

And this is not rhetorical; I don't know what to do next.

I envy people who've never had to question, or are content just doing whatever is at hand.

02/18 Direct Link

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

It's late - here's your 100.

02/19 Direct Link

I do not know if all is well or not, though I think that it is. I have had to stop the meds again, for the same reasons I had to stop before, many side effects which I am not going to live with. Sort of a bummer, had thought maybe I'd found something - you know the grief that can be encountered when trying to find a good medical stew, one that will help me and not cause problems. I've never found it. Not yet. But I'm not going to stop looking, and though I had to stop the one.

02/20 Direct Link

Call carpet company - Monday?
rip out old floor, strip up adhesive.
Pull out kitchen cabinets on range side.
Call about used range.
Noon Meeting - call Alison.
set up range plug - Jim?
Stuff to Alisons storage, esp if carpet on Monday.
Call doc.
Call Dentists office.
Call about map card??
Fix TV stand - brace it, then move to Living Room.
Filing cabinets to closet.
Laundry.
Ask neighbor about futon frame; dump mine, or sell cheapola, as it is shit.
Call Adam - truck leak...
MOVE MOVE MOVE - Don't dick around all day.
Rewrite on book.
Don't worry, be happy.
Paint if time.

02/21 Direct Link

So if all I'm writing in here is the important part of my day, what the fuck am I supposed to put in here when the whole day is fucked in the ass, when nothing gets done, when I am down and out and no relief in sight?

What a fucking pain in the ass this is.

And I don't give enough of a fuck to try to make art of a pigs ear.

I should drop this commitment, not gettting through January ought to have been enough to clue me in that I'm no longer in this.

Wasted life.

02/22 Direct Link

Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.

02/23 Direct Link

Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.
Nothing to say here tonight.

02/24 Direct Link

Painted tonight for the first time this month and maybe the first time this year, close to it.

It was wonderful, freedom - really, really fun.

I have stayed away because I am afriad of kicking off another manic run with the colors, and that's also why Ive shied from writing anyting of significance here or anywhere.

I don't want the goddamn mania.

But I also DO want it - I want its joys.

A few of which I experienced tonight. Only painted a short while but was infused with the happiness of it and it is good.

What is next here?

02/25 Direct Link

I painted last night for the first time in forever; while running about cleaning and frantic over it, I slid over into mania and then, while in a chat, just started painting on a canvas that is over my computer, and it was great. I was unable to sleep, but the colors were great. I had to double up on dosage to be able to rest at all; I was roaring and soaring...

I did not know until last fall that I could induce it. I knew it at an unconscious level but not at a conscious level.

I know now.

02/26 Direct Link

Too goddamn busy today to write these words, and have dragged my self from my bed to write them, so as to not miss my commitment for this fine month, almost ended.

My brother is in town.

We've had a blast.

He is an enduring spirit, the friend of a lifetime.

Our lives run such different paths; never would we meet had we not been brothers.

But I've needed him and his point of view and his humor and his perception.

His spirit endures all, never say die. Never sour on life, is a more accurate way of putting it.

02/27 Direct Link

So great to have had my brother here, and so lonesome again now with him gone.

I don't guess Ill ever stop being a lonesome man.

I so fucking hate all this.

And of course I cannot sleep, and am not tired, though I am worn out.

He is such a great guy.

Sixty years old, bright as a brass button, funny as any youll ever meet, loves hard. Hates hard too, but that's his business, and he hates less than he did.

I hate a lot too but dump it as soon as I can; cancer on my soul.

02/28 Direct Link

Pretty much rested all day today, after getting up early and helping a friend deliver a huge cabinet and some tools out to a home he is remodeling - that was four hours but then home and on the futon, phones off, email notification off, reading and snoozing.

It was so fucking great to have my brother visit me. He got caught in the ice in Dallas and we only had 26 hours together, but that 26 hours was packed with fun. And I am going to visit him and his family and my two sisters middle of March - I can hardly wait.