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12/01 Direct Link

A dirge, a drudge, a long flat day, darkness in my soul.

A huge accomplishment but too tired to appreciate it; I sat here numb.

No words. No colors.

Pain.

Spoke with the champion of my youth and of some of my todays; a boost, she talked of my achievement, of her admiration of it.

All flat until then, prayer no help, no human contact, a day indoors; not once did I open to the beautiful day outside.

Maybe tomorrow I can set on a new track, a fresh week, tasks to do; perhaps I can gear up to it.

12/02 Direct Link

It reads funny. And it reads honest, too, and it's not as longwinded as I'd thought it was when I was writing it, the days pare down nicely into fairly easy units; it's fun. I had a riot while writing it, leastwise when I was not going nuts, and even then it was a salve, something to occupy me body and soul.

I'm going to rewrite but not heavily, edit but not heavily - it is what it is, it happened in November and not in December, has to be what it is and not what I'd rewrite it to be.

12/03 Direct Link

I have worked my ass off tonight, I have worked my ass off for the past month.

This writer business is a load of work.

But I have to say that I love it, that I have had tremendous fun doing all of this.

Other than these responsabilities, a flat day, no movement.

Depressed.

Flat.

Down.

Gray, and in that I matched the day perfectly.

I am only writing this because I have committed to it, I have written so much today that my fingers are falling off.

This disipline I have held since July.

It's madness.

I love this.

12/04 Direct Link

Into the silence tonight, the most pleasant experience I have had in the presence in many days. Weeks? A long time.

It was like immersion in warm and soothing waters.

The company of others always helps.

Where ever two or more.

Etc.

Anonymous in the small crowd, private as always, holding back. A smile, a nod, pleasantries exchanged. But no one's getting close, not when I am this deep in it; if I opened the gate, it would pour forth - who wants that?

I have people to talk with about the agony, but not at church, and this saddens me.

12/05 Direct Link

So todays words are gonna be about words, and how much fun I have with them, and how easy it is to build nice things with them, and how easy it is to tear them down, also, if I'm not real careful. I've written all manner of serious words for this page but not today, I'm too dang happy doing what I want with words today, not gonna be Mr. Serious, Mr. Write Seriously And Heavily About Meditation, or God, or Pain, or Whatever - fuck all that. I've laughed and laughed today over words I've written - it brings me joy.

12/06 Direct Link

I suppose that by that measure I am, but I guess what I am saying is that I do not know if my colors would be judged by others as great. They bring me joy though, and have to come, and to me they are great, and as in the writing the same in the colors - it's for me that I do it and not for others, though of course Id love to be recognized, my visage stamped on ceremonial coins and stamps, palette knife in hand, a proud, almost haughty gaze but tempered by an obvious humility, etc.

12/07 Direct Link

I am in fact alive and I believe I am well - the jury is out on that one. I am learning more about MS Word than I ever wanted to know, and other things also, and caught in the web of ... something. not sure. Depression probably, or sloth, or both.

MS Word is the biggest piece of shit on the face of the planet, in case you hadn't noticed that. The simplest tasks a metter of brute work.

A great AA meeting buoyed my spirits earlier tonight.

Much to report, we must chat.

I wish you well.

Peace.

12/08 Direct Link

This is my cheat day - the day that I will miss this month, this is being written one day late. And a dollar short, also, and I'm not caring too much about what I write but I am damn sure intent on hitting the counter at 100 - I long for it, I look forward as a begger to a meal, a lover to his tryst, a painter to his palette, a redneck to his deer stand, a folk singer to his ache, a neurotic to his therapist, a poor man to his stew, a rich man to his tax cut.

12/09 Direct Link

I'm not sure if this was the salient feature of my day but it was damn sure the nicest - a long hot soak in the tub while reading Marcus Aurelius, by candlelight, followed by a leasurely drive to Korea House and my favorite meal in Austin, then to Kinkos to have my copy of The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius rebound, as it was falling apart - this book has been in the glove box of every truck I've owned since 1981, and it was falling apart. I've got a newer copy but love the older, pages turned down, passages marked, et all.

12/10 Direct Link

Friendship is the most important thing of all.

Those who I think Id never be friends with over the long term ended up being in my life.

Today I spent a large part of my afternoon with a friend who I'd decided when meeting, in a class, that I'd not have anything to do with after the class.

12 years later, he is in my life daily, and still irritating in the same ways, but he has a heart bigger than Dallas and means well.

I appreciate him.

I've begun to learn to trust Fate, it brings what I need.

12/11 Direct Link

Sometimes it goes better the second time around.

The first go round turned black and gloomy. This time I move slowly.

I need this.

It is a matter of determination, will, and time also.

But the potential reward could be great, make the work all worthwhile. Ill know soon, and when I do I will report back.

I lied yesterday on these pages, said that the most important thing about my day was friendship, and that was not the salient feature of my day - I spent it alone and none too happy and didnt want to cop to it.

12/12 Direct Link

I dont give a shit about this or anything else, I am stuck to this obligation and Id rather not be writing this or anything else tonight, I am tired and feel like shit and I just dont want to do this. Have I hit one hundred words yet? Is this done yet? Am I still to be forced to write more and yet more crap till I fulfill this commitment? This is neverending, seemed like such a good idea at the time, write one hundred a day is easy as pie, and less fattening. But now its gotten to

12/13 Direct Link

So supposing that we all just fall down and into the abyss - what then? What if everyone felt this way, what if we all just stopped trying and set it all down, fell into the state that I am currently in, one of flattened self loathing, without even enough spark to hate but just to loathe the experience of life in this flattened ongoing nightmarish droning existence?

It's true - there is no place like home for the holidays, and home is where I will be. I am looking for January 2, then after that February 15, and then free for another year.

12/14 Direct Link

I think this season is more than Christmas and new years, I think its deeper, maybe more primal than that, though I have nothing to base this projection on, perhaps Zulus or those who've never heard of Christmas or new years or never thought to celebrate them are happy as can be when the days are at their shortest. No telling.

BUT it is possible that the whole thing is more than just holiday songs and shit, maybe the huge depressions that so many - myself included - suffer are from the time of year also, some deep and primitive thing.

12/15 Direct Link

The gifts which you sent are beautiful, and the card is beautiful. Today started rough but then it got easier, sick from allergies on top of all of the rest of it. But I got much love and support from family members and friends - yourself included - and that pulled me from my cave.

You are absolutely one of the most creative people I have ever known, and of course one of the best in every way. It is an honor and a pleasure to be your friend and I am happy as hell that you are in my life.

thankfully,

12/16 Direct Link

Two things.

Loving addicts.

A difficult discipline, hard to let go when they go but insane not to let go. Tough love? Fuckin' A right it's tough - it's tough on everybody, it's not easy to do and even when it's done it's easy to fuck up.

I fucked it up tonight.

Or maybe not.


Meditation.

A turning, a slight movement into the right direction, though of course its not a direction.

A different type of open attitude, very slightly different, just a shade, the width of a hair. Move too fast and I go right past it; a subtlety, leaning.

12/17 Direct Link

Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.
Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.Bah Humbug.

12/18 Direct Link

I was not poked at in a cage in HS. I was not even in a cage. I was far from being in with the in crowd; herds have amazing instincts and can instantly feel who belongs and who does not and bite sharply when entry into the wrong camp is attempted, even when you come to that camp bearing fine drugs. I now believe, having never, ever been cool in any crowd Ive ever run in, including any AA or any other 12 step group, and I know exactly what you mean when you've commented that AA is cruel.

12/19 Direct Link

This month has been the hardest to write these words - Im flat and dont care about much; thank god the holiday blues are not so bad yet but I am sick and getting used to new medications and I dont know if they will workd and I dont care either, though of course I do on some level. Everything is harder than it ought to be, I dont understand why each and ever part of my life has to be gone over and over and over and over and over and over and over anbd over and over and over and over and over

12/20 Direct Link

I dont know what is wrong with me. I am almost passing out and have been all through the day, overwhelmed by dizziness and almost going down. I dont know if it is from the Claritin I took this afternoon or not, perhaps Claritin does not interact well with the psych drugs Im on, or maybe I just cannot take these drugs at this dosage - I do not know. I do know that I am moving like a zombie through the day and upon going out found myself in deep shit, I foolishly drove, a very bad decision there.

12/21 Direct Link

Fa la la la la, la la, la la.

What a load of bullshit.

I've avoided this stuff this year, deep into the words and now bad sick, torn out and flattened, barely stumbling from futon to chair to tap in these words. I am sure happy about being sick, just lots of fun, I really am pleased as punch about this whole thing.

I've committed to writing the most important thing of my day, and today that is being sick; it has determined all other events in my day, it's the pivot point upon which my day has rotated.

12/22 Direct Link

I dont know what is wrong with me. I am almost passing out and have been all through the day, overwhelmed by dizziness and almost going down. I dont know if it is from the Claritin I took this afternoon or not, perhaps Claritin does not interact well with the psych drugs Im on, or maybe I just cannot take these drugs at this dosage - I do not know. I do know that I am moving like a zombie through the day and upon going out found myself in deep shit, I foolishly drove, a very bad decision there.

12/23 Direct Link

About the only workout I've had recently has been sitting on my couch in agony, wondering why it won't stop. But now that I've set down those medications I have release from that for the time being. I will start the search again soon enough, for now it is great to be able to think again and not to be so deadly sick as I was. It sucked so fucking badly. I did cry today, a few times, but not over pointless shit, it was more about being alone at christmas et all, normal enough shit this time of year.

12/24 Direct Link

Not by works, lest any man should boast. The fucker knew what he was talking about. I dont know much about him and dislike much of his ranting, his denigration of all carnality - to St. Paul, if its in your body, its not worth a fuck, and I think he was off base there. But he knew, clear to see he walked the road. Today a fast moving dream, all set up, all I had to do was walk through it, and I did not even reflect upon it as I walked, only now do I see the gift.
12/25 Direct Link

I know that a case could be made that I am NOT lucky, as I do have a fucked up disease, and I know that sentiment and feel its truth but I also know another truth, which states that given that I have this fucked up disease, at least I am supported, and that is the truth that I am going to look at tonight.

I am dead sad that I did not have children. I like to cried over this loss in the meeting tonight. I know it is a huge burden and what if they had my disease?

12/26 Direct Link

Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god! Christmas is over - thank god!

12/27 Direct Link

Also - when you do this, can you make minor changes after I get to see it, insert blank page here and there, that sort of thing? I know it's a pain in the butt but maybe it's not for you, since you do this all the time. I hate to put this on you and won't if you don't want to do it.

I hope that your Friday was good - mine has consisted mostly of sitting in front of this screen re-writing, will likely head out to an AA meeting later but then back for more fun here.

Peace.

dances

12/28 Direct Link

word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word word

12/29 Direct Link

So I just dont give a fuck about these words just now. Is that a crime? Must I always WANT to write these hundred? (a rhetorical question; the answer of course is NO, resoundingly.) But must I always write them? Yes. I find that it is ok for me to skin them out of letters written during that day, or I can just put down whatever blather I want. But I do have to write them, regardless whatever else, regardless I want to or not, regardless I am sick or tired or unhappy or depressed or blue or busy or

12/30 Direct Link

I almost never do this - writing at dusk.

I am writing now to tell of how pretty it is here, a huge storm coming in, the temperature has dropped at least twenty degrees in the last hour, huge, dark, gray, omionous clouds are moving in, have almost encircled the town, lightning and thunder.

I love a storm.

This one pretty much must have come from the north, what with the drop in temperature.

The sky is spectacular, a small area of blue completely encircled by the aformentioned ominous gray.

I hope it rains hard, hail would not surprise me.

12/31 Direct Link

I went back to Arizona and helped my sister, and this time we got it right, or as right as it is going to get.

I got laid in Tucson by a friendly blond with a nice smile and a huge passion. It was difficult to disengage from her; one of the passions she developed was for me.

I wrote a book.

I went nuts, completely manic, the worst its ever been.

Ive spent every dime I had saved, and have no idea what is next.

I am halfway through remodeling this condo.

I am quite happy.

Bye bye 2002.