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03/01 Direct Link
Email cuz I don't want to send this to your txt cuz you go to bed at 9 o'clock anymore and probably you'd start crying if I woke you.

~~~~~
 
So even though *you* have turned into this goody-goody candy-ass go-to-bed-like-a-regular-person, that doesn't mean that *I* have changed my fkn hours.

I know that the weekend was a suffering for you but I can't help but think that seeing it as plainly as you did might help you see your medication as some kind of religious sacrament or some shit. 
03/02 Direct Link

I awoke so. sore. this morning, staggering around, moaning as I do, looked at some jive on the puter, took two tylonol and one alieve and fell back under the waves. I woke 3 hours later, the pain mostly a memory. 

 

Prayed/meditated, then called Jimmy, because I was sure that I'd lost his friendship and I really wanted to straighten it out if I could -- I hallucinate this kind of shit all the time, I'm just totally ridiculous. We broke each others balls a few minutes, blue-collar yankee stuff. I love that fuck. 

03/03 Direct Link
Tears on my cheeks.

 All Quiet On The Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque.

It is the book that taught me the horror of war. The stupidity of war. Families torn to shreds. Human beings torn to shreds, even those who didn't die; they died a different death. Their souls were broken.

Because of this book I know that I would never, ever go to war. Nor let anyone I love go to war.
 
So many soldiers on both sides of that war said "Never again. This must never happen again." They tried to warn us.

Human. Nature.
03/04 Direct Link
In the beginning was The Headache. 

 And lo, it was *not* good.

~~~~~

If I am to do what I've said I've wanted to do for a decade, I *have to* begin to move. Decisions. It starts with Decisions. From Decisions will come Direction.

It is much easier to steer a car that is moving some. And I've not been moving At All. Not on what I have said is what I want from life.

~~~~~

Austin is a fantastic city. But much of my life can be replicated if I have high speed internet. Different, yes. But very good.
03/05 Direct Link
Such great sleep. 

 I woke, as yesterday, woke without enough sleep time behind me. And I was loopy and sortof out of it. So I ate a bit, said "Fuck this noise." and tucked back into The Land Of Nod.

And lo, it was good.

~~~~~
 
When I think back over all those years of no sleep, mania just driving and driving me, somehow forcing myself out of bed and somehow facing the day(s), I almost can't believe it.  How did I manage that?

I *know* that's where many of the lines around my eyes come from.
03/06 Direct Link
Flat. Out. Exhausted.

It's 1:05 AM, I'm just in the door from 11 mile ride. I've done this ride every day for two years, rarely have I had this much trouble keeping that bicycle moving. I'm no quitter, I've not quit no matter what, but goddamned if I didn't want to quit tonight, bag it, throw in the towel. Of course I couldn't *do* that, because I was halfway through the ride, far from home. And no. fkn. way. would I quit anyways, even if it meant being out there til seven AM.

But I damn sure wanted to.
03/07 Direct Link
No idea what happened to me yesterday, that incredible weakness, that exhaustion that was more than exhaustion, really -- exhaustion is static, this shit yesterday was like it was gunning for me. Diet, that's the best I can figure -- maybe not enough carbs? 

I was in a *way* better body today, not even really a fight, just a casual bike ride, and then a casual practice.

The Ashtanga seems to be working its magic, w/r/t my diet -- I have not eaten garbage food since entering back into the practice. Very, very cool. Imagine how much fun this is.
03/08 Direct Link
This really pisses me the fuck off -- I'd written AND submitted my 100 for yesterday. And now, today it's fkn gone, gone like the wind, gone as a good thing. Just outta here.

I am *not* going to try to re-write what I wrote yesterdy, I'm just going to bitch and moan about it. Obviously, this does *not* count as a "missed day." Fuck that. I didn't miss it, for some reason the software on this site took it away from me, and from you, also. I hope you won't be too angry about this.

Fuck it.

I'm done.
03/09 Direct Link
 A fine day, and I slept right through most of the sunny bits of it, then to meet with Scott, and then home, to the bike ride and the yoga practice I'm hoping I can hold to it this time. 

It seems the practice is stopping my inclinations towards junk food. Which is just the best. I will have slips, could be that I'll get into trouble with Sandy's, those disgusting cheezeburgers I love so and a big honkin' serving of greazy fries...
  
Don't tell my cardiologist. He'd gesticulate wildly, he'd get all finger-wavey, and upset.
03/10 Direct Link
I wanted to go and buy shit food. And my truck wouldn't start. It's almost as if my truck were conspiring with my cholesterol levels. I mean, okay, overall I like it, but can't I have a fkn cheezeburger every once in a while, and huge order of fries, hot and salted and greezy as hell. All I have to do is look at that shit and my heart starts to jerking around.Both in anticipation but also fear.

You cannot hide from your blood. And if I show up in his office with cholesterol, I'm screwed. I hate that.
03/11 Direct Link
I don't get headaches. I'm lucky in this. No telling why some people are prone to headaches and others are not. 

Because I don't get headaches, I tend to sortof kindof maybe not really think that the ppl who suffer them are really in a bad way. I'd not say it but I'd maybe be thinking "Goddamn, what a candy-ass you are. Get over yourself. Grow the fuck up."

So I don't get headaches.

I'm writing this with the fkn headache from hell. It laughs at tylonol, alieve. It's been on me all. fkn. day.

Jesus. fkn. christ....
03/12 Direct Link
I can't say that I blame them for coming to town -- it's a huge deal, lots of entertainment, lots of workshops, the film festival, the music festival. 

But I *live* here.

All I was going to do was put gasoline in my truck, grab some food -- I'd hardly eaten. That small run took over 90 minutes.

And no matter what shortcuts I tried, everything was blocked off.

It's possible that, in fairness, we ought to be able to shoot one visitor per day. That would be nice.

In other news, it was cold cold cold on that bike ride.
03/13 Direct Link
If I hold on to anger it crystallizes into resentment. 

And crystallizes might be the right word, tends to make me think of jagged edges. 

That word tends also to make me think of cold, the depths in ice.

But what I'm holding to right now is hot.

Flaring hot.

Sharp edges. 

~~~~~
 
I don't like to be told no.

I trust my experience on this. 

~~~~~
 
I have in the past allowed this jagged heat to slice me. I do not want to do that.

~~~~~

The person who set it in motion is certain she is correct.

~~~~~
 
 Pause. 
03/14 Direct Link
Still reverberations rolling around inside me from the bullshit with this shrink. One thing for sure -- gots to find another shrink. I don't trust her at all.

One of the pieces of this that is so annoying is how badly I judged her. I didn't pick up on her being a piece of shit liar who digs the power game.

But that's the thing -- she hid it out. Goddamn, what a scumbag. 

Carrying around hatred is bad, bad news for me. I can't afford it. Having an exit plan gives me some peace. Without prayer/meditation I'd be screwed.
03/15 Direct Link
God, the laughter tonight! What a boost! 

It's *possible* that I *may* be able to let go this stupid resentment of a stupid bitch by just letting it lay (or lie, I suppose it could do either though not both, at least not at the same time) (though the fact is that it's this *huge* goddamn resentment I've let bloom in me so maybe it *could* both lay and lie there) letting it lay there on the ground, and just walk around it, like a dog turd on the sidewalk.

Fact: Jaclyn isn't stupid. But the resentment -- it's stupid.
03/16 Direct Link
I believe that the cold bicycle rides are behind me now. I sweat like an army horse tonight, it poured through me, and out of me.

I've got to wash my pack, it has to reek.  The sense of smell is absolutely the one I'd have chosen to lose; still, it is annoying. Could have been vision. Hearing. I'm lucky I'm alive. Grace.

~~~~~

I've been given the freedom from that resentment. I don't like Jaclyn, I'll never, ever trust her, but I'm free.
 
~~~~~
 
The Tejano band tonight, so damn talented, such a wide range. Tejas music, for realz. 
03/17 Direct Link
I know that a lot of people think John Bradshaw was pretty cheesy and probably they're right. But he saved my ass. 

I sortof put it this way: he didn't give me even one answer. But he gave me the questions. And that's where it's at, in my opinion and in my experience -- anyone tries to answer the questions for you is full of shit, and you'd do well to get away from them, pronto. It's the questions, is where it's at.

~~~~~

John Bradshaw gave me the questions that are worth asking. For that, I am damn sure grateful.
03/18 Direct Link
So it's Sunday, and I woke early -- for me anyways -- and spent the whole dang day in this condo, and most of it staring at this same screen I'm staring at now, watching the letters I type turn into words, soon to hit one hundred. That's the plan. I'll be awfully surprised to find out that no matter how many words I put up it doesn't reach one hundred... Anyways, Weaver canceled out on me, without much warning, or any, I met with Jason, then the bike ride, and the practice. One hundred...             
03/19 Direct Link
Oh man, the beauty of that rocking horse moon, a while sliver low in the evening sky, and the sky clear enough that it came through like a razors edge. Sweet. I love the sliver moons, most especially the ones like tonight, coming from new moon, headed toward full. 

I love what I receive in the role of sponsor. The men I sponsor are all three of them fine men. It is difficult for me, sometimes, to lay down the law -- I'm so often wrong in my perceptions. So I move a lot more slowly than I sometimes want.
03/20 Direct Link
So it's been a gorgeous day and it's a beautiful night, if a bit chill. That rocking horse moon was absolutely gorgeous tonight, a really sweet part of the ride. The ride -- I had so little juice, it reminded me of rides when I first starting riding this 11 miles daily.

~~~~~

I have almost no idea of local"news" because I'm so unplugged from tv and radio. I do often look at news sites online but not always. I remember Mom calling me asking if I was affected by the flooding in town here -- I was all "It's flooding here?"
03/21 Direct Link
I was doubled over my bike, gasping for air, totally out of air.

I'd very obviously pushed too hard.
 
Two people stopped and asked if I was okay. It was clear that I was not, though of course I told them I was.
  
I refuse to accept limits, I push and push.

Tonight scared me.

I do not understand why I cannot get more breath. I've been doing this over two years now. It should be easy-peasy. Some days are easy. Most are not easy. And some are just flat out dangerous.

I don't understand this.
03/22 Direct Link
I don't understand why I haven't gotten any stronger, why my legs have so little in them, why my lungs, my breath has so little to it. The smallest rise and I'm in deep shit, legs and lungs. Two years of riding I'd think I had something more. But I don't. I just don't. And come home tonight weakened and tired. I have never had lungs such as others do. Never. But this is a simple little bike ride with simple little rises in it. It's really, really maddening, frustrating. My diet is good. I just don't get it. WTF? 
03/23 Direct Link

Welp, fuck, I see I missed another call from Mr. S______ B____. But no msg left -- are these pocket dials? Hope all OK in SB land -- I'm just in off my ride, I'm sweating like a pig and smiling like a dog chasing a ball, another 11 miles behind me, gorgeous night for it......
 
~~~ Day 754 @ 11 Miles Per Day ~~~

~~~ One Day At A Time ~~~

 
~~~~~
 
 
I know I'm all old-fashioned and shit but what the fuck is so goddamn hard about leaving a fkn voicemail? And why won't fkn ppl listen when I leave a fkn voicemail? WTF?
03/24 Direct Link
Yesterday and today I'm going around Kutcher's site, and I keep breaking into smiles, too, sometimes just from seeing her smile. I can't be her, any more than I can be Goggins, but they both serve as a compass -- True North. I'm not supposed to be anyone else anyways, I think I'm to just be the truest version of me that I can manage. It's not enough, I can't get out of my own way likely as not. Goggins helps me to see to get back up and moving again. And now Kutcher is in the mix, too. Fun. 
03/25 Direct Link
Somehow the bike ride isn't as difficult today, or yesterday either. I think it has something to do with the idea of resting if needed, don't push push push if/when I'm bear-caught. 

Rest. 

It's OK to rest. 

The fact that I'm doing it at all is A Very Good Thing. 

So enjoy it, don't beat myself through it.

I honestly believe that it has kept me from being sick this year. I've been super-cautious, this bike ride thing is very important to me, so I did what I could to stay away from groups of ppl indoors.
03/26 Direct Link
This is my missed hundred. 

I would have sworn that I wrote and entered my hundred before I dozed off, then dozed deep, only to be awakened out of a nightmare, kicking *hard*, again and again, reaching my hands around, flailing. 

I'm not certain if I was screaming out loud in rage and terror or not -- I damn sure was in the dream.

I kicked my LCD, kicked it *hard*, like to knocked the whole setup over, damn sure did knock the puter off, and fuct up one of the HDMI inputs. Fuct up one of my toes, also.
03/27 Direct Link
One hell of a dream. I came out of it kicking (I *know* that because I hurt my little toe) and I think I was yelling too. 

I woke badly spooked. 

It's very rare that I have nightmares, or at least bad enough to awaken me, could be I have them all the time and make it through.

What I kicked was my LCD. I just knocked the whole stand over. I fell asleep listening to a podcast, the screen went to sleep then brightened. 

Took a long time to set it to rights upon awakening today.
03/28 Direct Link
It's 2:48 AM, I'm in from the bike ride, washed the sand/mud off my legs, put on a sweater, all snugged in now. 

I was getting out the door @ about 10 PM, damned if it didn't come a big honkin' thunderstorm and I decided to wait it out, got out maybe 12:30 or so, maybe 1:00, no telling. 

The rain had *almost* stopped and that is how it was the entire ride.

Sweet.

Austin skyline is so pretty now, anytime but with low clouds moving between the buildings hit by the lights it's really special.
03/29 Direct Link
I'm down on the river, on The Sunset Bench, maybe 1:30 AM, give or take. The moon isn't full but it's coming on, very pretty. 

I sang the Johnny Cash song "That's Enough", sang it full out, totally alive in the song. *That* was fun.

Done singing, I hear this wooshing sound -- wtf? One of those huge white swans, halfway across the river but still really loud. Very cool.

Then on the ride home, I'm blasting that straight -- this possum runs into my path, stops dead, exactly where I hit that cat. A *hard* stop, saved that dumbo....
03/30 Direct Link
This goddamn motherfucker just ate the hundred that I wrote, went to submit it and got some horses ass SQL error. Fucking bullshit.

Now what? I'll be goddamned if I'm going to take time and make something nice -- I've already done that tonight. Fuck doing it again. I sure hope no one reads this, or if they do that they'll somehow find in in their heart to give me a break.

fuck fuck fuck fuck

I'm going to have to copy this bitch before I try to submit it so I don't have to write again. Fuck this noise. I'm done.
03/31 Direct Link
No one has touched my bicycle since I met Andy. REI. Ten years. 

Andy is The Bicycle God.

~~~~~
 
I went in today, just to check chain wear. Ends up Andy installed two new dérailleurs, a new cassette. These were parts he had laying about, *real* high quality. A complete tune. All new cables. A new spoke. His work excellent.

He charged me the cost of the spoke -- $1.08

Anywhere else $200. At least.

~~~~~
 
Andy is leaving Austin. A great move for him, a horror show for us. I'm giving him a nice knife. 

I'm will miss him badly.