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05/01 Direct Link
I repaired Julie's table. She's happy. Me too.

Met the new neighbor. Liza.

A note to Emmer-00000000000000000000.

~~~~~

The hour with Bob. A great sponsor. He's going to fashion a hasp for my bracelet.

~~~~~

Day 67 @ 10.2 miles. Geared up @ 7 PM, hopped on that bike. Jammed that 10.2, only one stop: tree down across that wicked climb. 10 seconds off the bike, max.

Finished in 54 minutes.

~~~~~

I didn't stop when I was tired.

I didn't stop when I wanted to stop.

I stopped when I was done.

~~~~~

Late meeting. Then home, note to Bob.

A wonderful day.
05/02 Direct Link
Up LATE, slept most through the day. I don't know what time I awoke, started moving, slowly.

I think I was up past dawn, reading, fucking around online, whatever.

Awakened, I made peanut butter toast, iced coffee. Meditated.

I took a call I did not want to take, a friend in deep shit, and needing to talk, and cry, and hurt.

I took the call.

I didn't allow myself to get pinned. But I was there.

7:40 before the bike was rolling. A slower ride, gentler, Steve Forbert mp3s.

Met Jason @ Westlake. Cleaned Westlake kitchen.

Home. Practiced. Ate.

Bedtime.
05/03 Direct Link
What a day!

I started late and I started slow; I'd stayed up past the dawn, reading, writing, listening to a book on Audible, blah blah blah.

I woke at 11. So I maybe got three or four hours of sleep.

Coffee. Peanut butter toast. Prayer, on my knees, and meditation, closed on my knees -- "Please give me guidance, direction, peace; help me please to not be a big fat jagoff if someone cuts me off in traffic, etc."

I put together a list. Didn't get near to completion. That's okay.

Completion isn't the point of a to do list.
05/04 Direct Link
Up past the dawn, slept until I don't even know what time.

A rough day.

I went to the mtg I'd committed to.

I hit Day 70 @ 10.2 -- I am not going to let that streak stop. It's a big piece of my life right now.

I connected with Chris, finally.

I responded to txt msg from Mike. I believe I responded correctly, graciously, honestly.

I'm learning about blood pressure, and how to monitor it.

I learned to use sinus irrigater -- gawd.

Trimmed my beard w/new clippers.

Boring. It's not exciting, except the 10.2.

A rough day.
05/05 Direct Link
The two biggest pieces of the day? Day 71 @ 10.2 on the mountain bike, and then going over to hang with Chris in that amazing South Austin studio of his.

~~~~~

I was rude to people  I cannot stand that I do this. They are enjoying their evening, here comes this asshole barrelling down the trail, scattering them like leaves.

It could be their only night in Austin. Or their last night. Or their first. A wedding anniversary. A birthday.

An ugly part of me. Being kind it would at most add another five minutes.

~~~~~

Five short minutes.
05/06 Direct Link
Day 72 @ 10.2 miles on that mountain bike. It is what I am holding to tightest right now.

When I started riding it damn sure was just aerobics for me -- I was working hard the whole way. Today, I can just sortof ease through it, yes, I know I'm working but... Aerobics for me now.

It's now time for strength training.Find something for my upper body.

I don't want to join a gym. Maybe a cross-fit setup. Maybe convict conditioning. I could stop riding every mile and get in some upper body strength work.

Let it unfold............
05/07 Direct Link
It's May 8th, 6:45 AM.

I fell asleep before writing.

My missed day.

The honor system.

Fuck.

I've been respectful of that, in the months which I've posted here, lo these long years.

Miss one day, fine.

Miss two days, it's over.

Hell of a discipline.

~~~~~

So. Yesterday. 10.2 Miles on the bike -- that's religion. Created a bit of order, here in my home. A 10:30 PM meeting. Spoke long with Carissa afterwards.

What does Carissa want?

I can't read her.

I enjoy her company. A sweetie.

She thinks my jokes are funny / Makes me feel fine
05/08 Direct Link
Stayed up late, woke up early, stayed up til about 2PM, decided to nap, which lasted til about 5:40PM. I missed a large part of my weekly mtg with Bob -- it is what it is.

Home, then out onto the trail, not a fast run, not a slow one either. Paced nicely. wasn't rude to anyone, a really nice thing, just smile and wait a few seconds whilst they sort it out -- "Hey, here's a galoot on a big bicycle, give him room." and they smile back. Pleasant.

I am sooooo tired, falling asleep at the keyboard here.

G'night!
05/09 Direct Link
I've been in/out of sleep a few hours now but I've not fallen totally asleep.

A good day, a busy day. Started out checking blood pressure, right at awakening -- unreal numbers. Super low. I wish I'd had this machine 75 days ago, when I started the bike rides, to note the differences.

Planned the day, then held to the plan as best I could. The plan fix flat tire on bike; it did *not* include "Fix the flat on bike three times, then go and buy a new tube."

But I did it, rode, now here, in these words.
05/10 Direct Link
Maybe six hours sleep but I'm physically wasted from the bike and the Ashtanga practice and and and and ...

I'm just wiped out, is all. I know that I am building my health, I know that I am doing great things for my heart and for my head, too. All of that Is Very Good etc etc but ... I am deep tired.

Anyways. Up early, tried to figure out my day. REI bike shop opens at 11AM; I was there @ 10:55, the bike gleaming from high-pressure wash

Today was Day 76 @ 10.2.

More to say but not tonight.
05/11 Direct Link
A horrific bike ride. Today was Day 77 of 10.2 miles a day, and some days are easy and some are hard, that's to be expected.

But today? One of the worst of them. In the hardest five, absolutely. And under time pressure, a commitment afterwards, so no stopping to rest.

Not that stopping to rest would give me much. In fact, I *did* stop to rest, and water, three fkn times. Short stops. Without the time commitment, I'd have made long stops.

I deny that I had those heart attacks. I push. I refuse to consider my body.
05/12 Direct Link
Got so jazzed by yoga practice last night that I was up past dawn, could hardly get any sleep, felt like shit all day and still do.

The bike ride was pure fkn hell. Pure fkn hell. As yesterday, perhaps even moreso today, I was just totally eat up out there. One difference is I had nothing afterwards, so no time constraints, and I rested when I wanted to rest. I stopped *five* times, maybe six. That's not me at all.

But it was me today. I feel sick, shaken, weak, blown out.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
05/13 Direct Link
It goes on and on.

I can't make it stop.

It's like I'm trapped in a theater and the film goes on and on, brilliant flaring, glaring light flashing on the screen and a shitty, gritty soundtrack and I'm so, so fkn tired.

I can't parse any of it.

I'm fuct.

What people don't understand is that we can't make it stop.

Mixed states.

Yeah, we have manic depression. But fkn manic depression has us, too. It's on us like a lion on an impala.

No sleep the past three days -- three hours here, three hours there.

I'm so screwed.
05/14 Direct Link
Sleep.

A gift. You can't know until you've not had it.

Today I had sleep. Long sleep. Deep sleep. Profound sleep, if there is such a thing, and even if there isn't.

I got up/out for the bike ride, which seems right now to be The Big Deal for me. Day 80. It's nice to have something to grab hold of, something gets my attn. A discipline.

I ate shit food today, junk food. Food I love that is horrible for me. For anyone.

Gotta stop. Keep coming close to falling asleep. I'm going to finish this, sleep again.
05/15 Direct Link
Both yesterday and then again today I slept deep and long, making up for the horror show of last week, when I couldn't sleep. I actually felt pretty good this evening.

Saw Bob -- Sponsor Day -- and got the bracelet he fashioned for me. Sweet. One of a kind. And so is Bob.

And then Day 81 @ 10.2 miles on the bike. Light rain, hardly anyone on the trail, an easy, sweet ride. Got out maybe ten after 8 PM, took maybe an hour fifteen minutes. Easy, pleasant.

Met w/Scott @ Westlake, then stayed for mtg, got them all going.
05/16 Direct Link
So okay, I stayed up into the dawn and then slept too far into the day. Yes, I felt guilty, and I do feel guilty. Perhaps even shame -- I mean, wtf, here I am, ATX, Disneyland For Adults, and I'm over here scratching myself.

What a dope!

But I prayed, and meditated, some, before heading out onto that bike, Day 82 @ 10.2 miles. No idea how/why it's caught my imagination as it has. I'm glad I've got something to Dig In To, to Hold On To. It's fun!

Then met w/Jason, then Jordyn's 1st bday mtg, then home.
05/17 Direct Link
So how can I write here and not at least mention the fun in holding to the commitment to ride 10.2 miles a day? Day 83. It's a focal point of my day. Not *the* focus. But it's important.

Craig's death. A month now? He refused to let us close, even at the end, maybe esp at the end. He refused to face the fact of the matter. The fact of his certain death.

I went through items he owned. (He bought shitty tools -- gawd.) I felt like a perv, digging through my friends belongings, and him not there.
05/18 Direct Link
I'm thinking it's a damn good thing that woman changed her mind on selling that piece of property across the street from Matthew's home. At such a price, and so close to such a good friend, I'd have been almost certain to have jumped at it, and built a house on it, deep in those trees. I was even thinking of how cool those houses made from ship containers are, how stylish they can be, how simple they are to put together. But the problem with living in Livingston is -- Livingston. From Austin to Livingston would be brutal. But tempting...
05/19 Direct Link
Day 85 @ 10.2 miles on that bike. In this 85 days it has gone from a real suffering to a fairly easy gig. When I started out it was not only an aerobic workout, though it was that for sure, but also many muscles needed to be strengthened. I'd come home sore, physically hurting, my lungs pretty much blown out of my chest. Not so much any more. It's work, but it's not brutality. It's close to time for me to add in some strength work for my upper body. Maybe after 100 days. It's really good for me.
05/20 Direct Link
Hey, look, gang -- I entered this thing in last night. Then today it didn't show up.

So no way am I calling this "my missed day" for May. I did my part. I have no idea what happened. But damned if I'm going to call this a missed day.

Because I've already *had* a missed day. And then this whole fkn batch would have to be tossed out the fkn window. And goddamned if I'll do that.

This writing is important to me. Esp since I've got the Ashtanga hundreds also. And next month maybe bike ride hundreds added in.
05/21 Direct Link
Bone pain, is what it is.

Low back. Maybe joint pain. The arthritis? No telling. But I know it's there.

It's the only pain left to me in the 10.2 mile rides, and it doesn't come on until maybe seven miles in. And, if I stop and rest, it gives me a fkn break.

But I don't *want* to stop and rest.

Fuck stopping and resting.

Stopping and resting is for fkn girl scouts.

Day 87.

Pretty much everything hurt when I started. Now, just that low back jive.

Today an enjoyable day. Did a lot. Makes me happy.
05/22 Direct Link
A good day? Okay, I can go with that.

I was late to meet Nate but all is well, got through putting canvas on frames. Will finish Tuesday.

Met with Bob. Sponsor Day. I took Jan a big red rose, too. The time with Bob, as usual, good.

The bike ride. No stops. Not one. Cool. An easy pace. My body has changed so much. I'm strong. Good breath. Trim. The gut is flat out gone.

A shit time at the mtg tonight. Once again, I do not fit. Anywhere. I feel so out of place. A different meeting maybe?
05/23 Direct Link
An old friends birthday today. Never did I think we'd not be friends. He is a fine man, he was a spectacular friend. But things happened, and I couldn't stay in it. It wore me down. I had to say goodbye. Damn shame.

Frank is one of the smartest people I have ever known, perhaps the most disciplined, to boot. Unreal.

I let him stay in my home -- which is small, to say the least -- and the two of us in a small place, it was a horror show. I am a person who needs room and time to decompress.
05/24 Direct Link
Kathy would have been 58 today.

We'd be friends, likely. I liked here from the minute I saw her, loved her, actually, and I still do. One hell of a sticky woman, by which I mean hard to let go of.

90 days straight on the bike. Great fun that thing is, I sure do enjoy it.

Another discipline, and a good one. I guess the new goal will be 100 days. And then? Not sure, and we're not there yet anyways. O.D.A.A.T.

I've GOT to finish this up, fallen back sleep too many times.

Done!
05/25 Direct Link
So we busted our tits, Jimmy and I did, banging up that old piece of shit fence, standing sections that'd fallen, filling in gaps. The condo assn said "Stopgap measure." but I'd bet 200 bucks that they'll use that shit for five years.

~~~~~

And then the scene w/r/t Janice, and I jumped in, only to get slashed by cowards. And I jumped out. Finally, finally, finally I am done with it.

A 66 year old paranoid schizophrenic woman, living alone in a heartless city far off from us, and no one willing to help.

Fuck my family.

Cowards.
05/26 Direct Link
An emotional hangover from the family jive yesterday. To let it go just seems so wrong to me, to let my sister slide into a slow death, from fkn starvation, because she is convinced her food is poisoned, because she is mentally ill -- how can that be right?

But how can it be right that I'm the person who is supposed to take the fall, when there are other siblings every fkn bit as able as I to help her, as I have done twice, able but unwilling to do so? What the fuck is this? They call this love?
05/27 Direct Link
For decades, I have observed May 24th with love, sadness, remorse.

The word "bittersweet" covers some of it.

No one word could carry it all.



Kathy was born May 24th, 1958.



What happened 1972-1977 shattered me.

I was young. Stupid. Foolish.

I got hit by life.

Hard.

A lot.

In that time, I treated Kathy horribly. Intentionally.

Then I got crushed by the consequences of that.



Kathy forgave me decades ago.

Only in recent years have I allowed myself forgiveness for my words, my actions.



I have loved her since the moment I saw her.



Bittersweet comes the closest.
05/28 Direct Link
I burst from underneath the sheets really early, at like 1:50 PM, threw myself onto my knees into prayer -- "Help! Please help my lame ass!" -- and then leapt into the shower** and then flung myself out of it and brushed my teeth and yanked on some shorts and jeans and a t-shirt and sandals, then hurled myself out the door, where Josh was waiting. I was only five minutes late!
**No way you could know this without my telling you -- I turned off the breaker to my water heater six or eight months ago, for fun. It's awfully refreshing!
05/29 Direct Link
The best of the day? What is the pivot point of the day, the fulcrum around which it turned? The biggest piece of the day, or perhaps the best piece of the day?

The bike ride. It's ridiculous but that's what it is -- Day 95 @ 10.2. No one is forcing me to do this, it's just caught my attn is all, and has held it, also.

I'm not even sure that it's fun, though of course it is fun, in parts anyways. It's not the fun that's holding me to it but rather all the good it does me.
05/30 Direct Link
I'd hidden the scale, maybe a month or six weeks ago, because I was becoming obsessed with pounds and ounces after starting this bike ride thing. Tonight, on a whim, I dragged it out, put batteries in it, stood on it.

198.4

I think when I started out I was like 214 or 212 or something.

Of course the fun is that muscle weighs more than fat. My lower body, plus up into my core, it's nothing but muscle now. My upper body doesn't benefit as much from bike rides. Though it is liking the Ashtanga practice, for sure.
05/31 Direct Link
I didn't join that gym. Had the gym been closer it would have been a fit but I doubt that I'd go often when it's that far south.

It's rained here. The bike trail had deep water yesterday, I went on through, maybe halfway up my calves. Tonight it was over my damn knees. Fun! And then the trail was flooded for maybe quarter mile after that, anywhere from eight to sixteen inches. They'd put up plastic "Do Not Cross" tape in maybe six or eight places and of course I just rode right through it, stretched til it broke.