07/01 Direct Link

I quit drinking/drugging July 11, 1982.

I started these hundreds July 1, 2002.

I had those heart attacks, died July 6, 2004.

All of these hugely important in my life.

I'm not certain which has the most significance.
Had I not set down drinking, I'd have been dead before the other two.

Had I not started the hundreds, the pump would not have been primed; so much has come since then, so many words, and colors, not enough paintings but any is good.

Had I not died ..   I know now -- this thing is so fleeting.
07/02 Direct Link
I have not been to Veggie Heaven in probably ten years.  But I'm damn sure going back soon.

LOTS of vegan dishes, nothing in the place has any meat.  Spices, omigod do they have spices in there -- she looked at me as if to make certain I knew what I was getting into.  I did.

And I found out that they are open-handed in feeding homeless people.  That alone would/will get them my business...


Rubbing compound.  I got most of the smears/scratches off the side of that truck.  It looks great.
07/03 Direct Link

A rockin' horse moon hanging fair' low in the southwestern sky, 9pm, dusk, but a Texas dusk, that beautiful line on the western edge, fiery red to orange to yellow fading off into that beautiful blue and then further, into that deeper blue, which might be the prettiest blue that I know of, probably it is, it's the blue I'd like to summon with my knife in my hand, smear down that canvas, cut across it and down toward my heart, and maybe I could cut that canvas and the blue could slide into my heart, wouldn't that be nice?
07/04 Direct Link

Saying that I've been humbled, that's not how it works, seems to me -- truly humbled, I'm too damn broken to say I'm humbled, or to know it, or to know anything.

Or maybe that's broken, not humbled.


The loss of my friendships probably the hardest hit.

Those friendships, decades -- gone.  These people, shining jewels.


No going back.


And now.  Stilled.


Not becalmed -- motionless.


I've no dynamic, nor have had one.

I have had direction, even when fraught.

Now -- none.


How did this happen?


I am not done.

This is not over. 


Surrender -- okay.  But to what?

     ---------- coda ----------
07/05 Direct Link

Sandy from San Antone was a spectacular piece of ass, she loved to fuck, she was a screamer, moaner, she'd bite, grab, wrestle, howl.  Savage.  Fucking wildcat.  Big, blonde, tall, beautiful, German heritage.

She liked it on top and I love that -- tall as I am, it's a better view, I love to dig my fingers deep into a womans ass and fuck her -hard- and watch her face, and her breasts, kiss her, and bite her, tell her things. 

Sandy loved it all.

It was fucking her I had my first heart attack.

I didn't let on, of course.

07/06 Direct Link

and so then I'd maybe be swimming, or riding my bike, and I started having these strange sensations, started saying to myself -- "I'm *dying.*"

I didn't say "Hmm, this feels different."  Nope; what I said was -- "I'm *dying.*"

It caught my attention.

So I went to my doctor, took these tests, he found -- nothing. Sent me to Austin Heart Hospital, tests, blah blah; they found -- nothing.  Then, three years later or four I died, seven years ago today.

It's still a big deal to me.

It would be for you, too.

Nice metaphor, right -- he died of a broken heart.
07/07 Direct Link

I met Pamela just before I got the job in Austin.

We'd had just enough time to unbutton each others clothing, find out what was happening in there.

Some women have slid into my heart just that fast.


Pamela was special.

I sure didn't know it.

But I began to find out.


That vulnerability, for starters. What a hook !!

Her sexuality. Ohmyfucking-GOD that woman was intense. Unstoppable. Unquenchable. Unbelievable.


That was so, so good.


Pamela was bright, sharp, funny, sexy, alert.

Often I didn't even like her, her sense of entitlement; sharp edges.


She lives in my heart.

07/08 Direct Link

My father was born 91 years ago today.

His fathers favorite, yet they fought horribly.

Movie-star handsome; my parents were beautiful. It almost hurts to look at pictures, knowing now what they'd do to one another.

Easily moved to white-hot, flashing rages. Manic depression is genetic. I have those same rages.

He'd give you his shirt.

Remarkably social, yet felt worthless somehow, inept.

He was not there for me. He did not come through. He didn't protect me from myself or others. He had checked out.

He loved me. I loved him.

Life is complex.

Happy Birthday, Dad

07/09 Direct Link

Long years I've wanted to hack that out of my heart, that intense desire, more than lust, seeking … something.

I've fucked around plenty, guess I'm glad for that – better than nothing.

Even young, I knew it for hollow.


Sometimes married men are envious. Fools.

Unless they've settled into a bad or dead marriage, in which case they're fools regardless.

I could easy have settled. I've refused.

It takes jam.

Most won't do it. They won't be alone.

They say can't, but it's won't.



Time and again, I've watched love fall apart in my hands. The blackest joke I know.

07/10 Direct Link

Today, I met with two guys I sponsor – both Mike and Jason – and also met with my sponsor – all very cool. Each of those nice pieces of my day.

And then, late, Mike to the ER, sat with him through the long night. It was touch and go, at the first.   Mike was so. goddamn. sick. 

Something interesting about emergency rooms, or so it seems to me.


So I've made a life out of this whole recovery thing, not the best life I know but almost certainly better than I'd have had without.

I was on that downhill, tumbling FAST....

07/11 Direct Link

So I went to that AA meeting to pick up my 29 year chip.

I didn't want to go; a really shaky night for me as I considered going there, also as I sat in the meeting, and then I couldn't speak well, too bound up, caught in fear, as I so often am in speaking.

Of course, it had nothing to do with me -- it was for other people, who need hope.

How is it I'm always so self-centered?


Two new sponsees, one that will be very difficult and one I'm about positive will be fun and natural.
07/12 Direct Link

Just after 2am and I'm just now writing here – this could easy have ended up a “missed” day.  And I don't like “missed” days, for any number of reasons, but mostly of course because if I get more than one in a month I'm screwed.

I don't wanna miss.

First 100s I've even *started* in a long time, much less completed.

Was a time that this was religion.

It gave me so much.

Like so much in the rest of my life, it's fallen away.

I'm in real trouble.

How many friends will show up if I need help again?

07/13 Direct Link

I'm eaten alive with resentments, mostly people in the 'recovery' community, and mostly alcoholics in AA. They are the craziest.

And of course I'm an alcoholic in AA, too, so I'd best look in a mirror, too.

I don't even know if it's a course I need to follow further. The road I was on in AA went nowhere, I do like some of the relationships with some of the people I've met there but so many are just so toxic.

I made it my life, and there's more to life than just one subset of somewhat inept people.


07/14 Direct Link

And to think that I was a Christian, that I too was a jesus jumping jerkoff not so many years ago. It's actually sortof embarrassing, having now read all the physicists and philosophers and I don't know what all, but I do know that basing my life upon words written by primitives living in tents or caves or whatever and shitting in holes in the ground, basing my life upon their ravings -- hey, that's a fools game. The movie The God Who Wasn't There helped me a lot, showed me that this christian religious jive is just traditional hero myths...

07/15 Direct Link

Nothing dogs me more, tears at me more, nothing is as acheful as knowing who I am, seeing myself as I am, or can be, and while I've never, ever done that again and in fact have let women off the hook as much as I'm able, I just don't know that it's ever gonna stop hurting.

I always – always – tell people that if it's that bad, leave. Just go. Either leave or learn how to get on with them. Don't say cruel things, just don't – those words will ring in your soul forever, it's your soul you'll have trashed.

07/16 Direct Link

Scott. Ten years clean/sober, a drug addict/alcoholic who's been around recovery since he was 13, now 43.

Thirty years to get ten.

He's got the peace, now, he determined this time to do the work to get the peace, remains determined to do the work to keep the peace.


Jim. I can't read him, not really, not yet.  A hard case.  By which I don't mean he's rough tough ready but rather that it seems he makes it hard for himself.  That's what I can see thus far.

Who knows what's really in there.

I'll find out, though, over time.

07/17 Direct Link

Speaking today with Janice, and her being clear, and I not clear – awkward. Different. Unusual. I'm not good in this role, and not used to it. And she's not used to my being in it, either. Again: awkward.

Role reversal.

And I just didn't know what to say, which threw her off, too, and didn't know how to respond to me, either. We spoke twice, both fairly short duration phone calls.

I'm ever so glad she's back in good shape. She downplayed her hospitalization and who can blame her – she's ever so private and that's gotten taken away from her.

07/18 Direct Link

Not a goddamn thing to say here, nothing, no kidding. Not a goddamn thing to say here, nothing, no kidding. Not a goddamn thing to say here, nothing, no kidding. Not a goddamn thing to say here, nothing, no kidding. Not a goddamn thing to say here, nothing, no kidding. Not a goddamn thing to say here, nothing, no kidding. Not a goddamn thing to say here, nothing, no kidding. Not a goddamn thing to say here, nothing, no kidding. Not a goddamn thing to say here, nothing, no kidding. Not a goddamn thing to say here, nothing, no kidding.

07/19 Direct Link

I've got to break out.

I'm locked in it seems.

Big “D” depression.

Unusual in that it's not bothering me, in some perverse way; I'm shut in and/or shut away yet I'm not missing people too much, I so enjoy reading, whether online or the books I love.

Am I insular or solitary? Both?

It all started after I died. Though maybe not, maybe I've headed in this direction afterward, I just don't know. I'm too close to see it, too close to see me.

It does look like depression.

So if I'm not hurting, is it really depression?

07/20 Direct Link


All these years later, I cannot stop thinking of her, those times we had, the times I wish we'd have.

It's that goddamn vulnerability that's nailed me, that and her sense of entitlement; join those with her voice, and her laughter, and her sensuality, and her deep sadnesses and it's created an amalgam of love and hate and lust and friendship and sorrowful hurt.

I miss her.

One of the most important women in my life, and I had no idea – I just thought to kiss her, unbutton her clothes, and kiss her some more, and say stuff ...
07/21 Direct Link

I've regained all the weight I'd lost, something I never thought I'd do.  I eat garbage, I'm not practicing intensely nor riding that bike; all of that has brought results.


I'm amazed that nothing showed up in the blood work, no higher cholesterol, though that may take longer to show up.

I worked that weight off; maybe I think I can as easily do it again?

When practicing, my diet took care of itself, Ashtanga seems to make me a vegetarian, which is truly amazing, I don't even have to try, I'm not fighting anything, I'm not remotely tempted.
07/22 Direct Link

A whole day and not a damn thing to say. A whole day and not a damn thing to say. A whole day and not a damn thing to say. A whole day and not a damn thing to say. A whole day and not a damn thing to say. A whole day and not a damn thing to say. A whole day and not a damn thing to say. A whole day and not a damn thing to say. A whole day and not a damn thing to say. A whole day and not a damn thing to say.

07/23 Direct Link
Scott.  It's a pleasure finding out where he's at in this AA thing, zero in on what he'll work on, find what he's not wanting to work on.  A sharp guy, very experienced, absolutely been around the block a time or two.  A pleasure.

Jim.  This is difficult.  I'm not certain how long this can hold.  If at all.  The only way I'll work with him is through the steps, as laid out in the text; the rest of the problems I see, they'll either straighten out or not.  But damn, does he have lots going on.  A troubled man.
07/24 Direct Link

I was in Berkeley a couple of years ago, went to a grocery store to pick up various items for the friend I was staying with, a few meals, whatever – I was astonished at food prices, compared to Austin, a bag or two of groceries and I began to understand those fregans. (Or whatever it is they're called, those high-falutin' dumpster divers.) I knew housing was much more but wasn't aware of the food thing. Maybe Texas is just inexpensive, costs less than I know – I'd not assumed it was that inexpensive to live here but maybe it is.
07/25 Direct Link

I do love this new shampoo; it's not as good as the old stuff that's no longer sold, but as the water evaporates out of it, this new stuff might end up the same consistency, it'll be close.  I do miss that other shampoo; it just worked so well for me.  It would seem ridiculous to anyone outside, this attention bestowed upon shampoo, finding the thickest, slickest one available; it's as much – maybe more – about how it feels when I'm using it.  It makes me happy.  They say it's the little things that can make a person happy – maybe so.
07/26 Direct Link

Echo-cardiogram, sound-wave representation of my heart; I'll hear from Dr. Hayes after he's read it.

I've been given these gifts, not only life but very good health. 

I'm still in great shape but this past year I've had some slippage. 

My cardiologist – Hayes – made certain to remind me of these facts, yesterday, in his office, eye to eye. He saved my life, he's given me so much care, he wants my attention.
I need Ashtanga yoga. It changes my diet, steadies my mood. Ashtanga gives me so much, falls on me like soft rain on an electric green spring day.
07/27 Direct Link

So I hardly slept at all, thinking about trucks I want to buy, I was at a mechanics shop to look at a pickup truck before eight.

It's a beautiful truck.

But it's old.  Nineteen years old.  It's as clean a nineteen year old truck as you'll ever see.  But – it's old.

I went over it, fine-tooth comb.  Turns out it was absolutely worth the money, every damn dime.

Also turns out that while I was considering, someone else was moving, and they showed up with cash and bought that beautiful truck out from under me.

Ya snooze, ya lose.
07/28 Direct Link

It's like, after waiting for the longest goddamn time to meet the wacky little red-headed fireball that I just absolutely, desperately crave, need even, probably, I finally give up, and there's Myrtle standing there, so I say "Fuck it" and decide to marry Myrtle, and I tell her so, look her dead in the eye, say "Myrtle, I'm gonna marry your ass" and she coos, and bills, and titters, and blushes, and then godDAMNED if the wacky little red-headed fireball doesn't show up, and smile at me, and wink, and point suggestively into her shorts and stuff.

So now what?
07/29 Direct Link

I am now the very proud owner of the prettiest pickup in town.  That truck is just mint.  It's fifteen years old but looks like it came off the dealers lot last month.  And this before waxing it; I can scarce imagine how it's going to look.

It's going to look perfect.

Three hundred dollars to get it into my name and put tags on it – painful.  I had no idea, that was a shocker.

Between the two trucks, I'm going to be busy, fixing, straightening, getting the old ready to sell, getting the new ready for me to enjoy.
07/30 Direct Link

So I'm just in from the party at Terry's house; lots of AA people, a few assorted and/or sundry earth people. 

I do so poorly around others, I'm socially inept, I stand there scratching myself, sweating, feeling inside about how I'd feel in my body if I was wearing a pair of underpants that didn't fit right, and I was always having to adjust them, and scootch them around to get them to quit hurting, or maybe not hurting but absolutely being annoying, verging on hurting maybe.

I just hate that shit.

I loosened up just before I left.

07/31 Direct Link

At the time I was taking that beating from my bank, that same bank was defaulting all over the place, and was bailed out, as was every large financial institution. I'm supposed to pay but they aren't?  For me it's dishonorable, for them it's good business?  Well, it's good business for me, too.

Fuck.  Banks.

All those poor people thrown out on their asses, lost everything because the banks refused to renegotiate, yet the banks, who made all those terrible decisions, they don't have to take a beating at all, and in fact they are riding high.

Fuck.  That.  Noise.