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Writing this in the small hours of August 2. I had wanted to be quiet after those June 2020 entries. Just, be quiet for the rest of 2020. In the last week of July I realized it was my nephew's 7th birthday on the 27th and so I had wanted to write a bedtime stories batch for him. That also got away from me. So I went back to wanting to be quiet. But a few hours ago when I woke up the urge to write something, anything still nudged at me and so here we are. Don't know what
I will write about though. So consider this just a free form, train of thought type of thing. Wouldn't have a theme, wouldn't heavily edit, wouldn't curate contentónot that I was heavily doing these in the past, but I figured I just wanted to write really, put something out to remember July 2020 by. A long month. Such a long month. It's been raining steadily for days now. Still summery hot for a few hours in a day but the constant pitter patter is balm so that was nice. This last week of July was a different kind of
lovely, with tinges of sepia and red, splashes of blue and gold, and dollops of yellow and glitter. It's not unwieldy like the past early months of this tender strange year. Guess we're settling into this newness now huh? I know I am. I just remembered: I had also wanted to to stop writing from the first person, this is one of the main reasons why I wanted to be quiet and not write for a while, is because I wanted to "learn" how to write other than how I am used to write. I have a couple of friends
who write so well and do not even use the word "I" once. But they are able to convey that what they're writing about is personal, it happened or is happening to them. But they are able to write it in a way that involves the reader as if it's also happening to them, you know? I wanted to learn how to do that for the rest of the year, the rest of my life if we're being honest. The radio is on while I'm writing this and it's helping me think and not think at the same time. You
ever wake up happy after a sad dream? How do I describe it. Ahhh. But do you get my drift? The sadness made you happy because it wasn't real? The same way that a happy dream makes you sad, because it's not real? Do we dream about our memories, only they're in a different form? I dreamt about fish last night. About an old friend who I discarded just like that. An aunt telling me off for reporting to work amid a pandemic. There were others, too. Rooms, I often dream about rooms. Light switches. Locked doors. Security, worry, safety.
On TV there's constant updates about the virus and it's become ordinary. Who knew we'd come to this, or that we would live in such a time when thousands of deaths is considered ordinary. Statistics. How can you mourn your personal grievances when thousands or millions of other people are doing the same. What does one have to do with another? Everything, yes? I catch myself sometimes doing or saying or thinking something not-PC. Unaware I'm being offensive, not knowing better. Racist, homophobic. For all my "wokeness" (which the iPad auto corrected to "woke nests" I discover I can
still be so insensitive and wrong and auto-pilot-y about some biases that I haven't gotten around to correcting. I sometimes allow myself to be narrow-minded, consciously yes! Just to be able to joke round with someone I am fond of because I want them to like me more, or just not dislike me for that matter. I cling I cling I cling. I've been clinging to the wrong branches. 39 this year and there's still so much to learn. I talk to myself more gently now. "Forgive yourself" I tell myself every morning/night upon waking, are
you gentle with yourself? You should be. You need to be. It's helped me a lot on days when I am aware I should be. There are days still that I berate myself and on those days I get so drained I just sleep for 18 hours only to wake up and sleep again. Tiring. This year is tiring. Life is relentless. The rain is helping. I can't say it enough, this last week of July 2020 has been balm thank you, universe. I am grateful for my family, for people who do small consistent things day in, day out.
There are moments of course when it felt like being a beach house in the rain. Just so much water all around. It's supposed to be sad and gloomy and it's supposed to make you decide against going outside but it sometimes also makes you do the opposite. You want to play outside and get wet just get wet, soaked, drown. If we stop avoiding sadness and immerse ourselves in it maybe we can get used to it in a good way. A way that familiarizes it so we know how to navigate the waves when they get so high.
I'm rereading the entries as I post them and semi cringe for all the grammatical lapses but eh, shrug. I just want to get this over and done with my cell phone notes you should see because it's full of aspirations that are so far from my life now meaning I have plans that are 5, 10, 15 years old but they are still plans now, no reality. I feel stuck for some reason, for all the reasons and I just want a new job, not editing, not writing, not creating. Writing has never felt right to be a job
in the strict sense of the word that's a "job" meaning something that pays the bills. Something has always felt wrong when I get paid for it because...IDK. But I know some of you do know what I mean. So, what do I want to do for a living? Nothing. If I'm being honest I just want to win the lottery and live off of that. May last 3 years? Not sure. But at least I get to spend one long vacation at the Maldives or something or Morocco and I will have been happy for a few months.
Ah. To be happy for a set amount of time, for sure. What I would give to know what will make me and other people happy for sure. That way we would not be wasting time and effort doing things that are not guaranteed to make us happy. But that would be easy, no? We weren't put on this world for easy. If everything is easy, life will be blah. And what is a blah life for. Maybe that's the goal, a blah life. IDK. I like writing nonsensical stuff and ending my monologue with IDK. It gives me a
sense of freedom, mayhap. It's Sunday, August 2. I am looking back at July and there's a few nice memories that pop up. I smell cigarette smoke now and it's irritating. Don't you find smokers to be utterly insensitive and selfish? It's tiring. I am tired suddenly. I find small pockets of happiness and I do my best to stay in them, hold on to them. So if you see me rage-cleaning it means I've found a pocket of sunshine and rushing to do whatever I can do before another low takes over. It's tiring and exhilarating. You know?
The people pleaser in me wants to say sorry for generalizing about the smoker. I'm sorry. I know a lot of smokers who are great people and I like them a lot but does that mean they can't be selfish when they smoke around a non-smoker? It's not mutually exclusive, see I don't even know now if I used "mutually exclusive" correctly. Anyway IDC. So there, but sorry. I also discovered that when backed into a corner I tend to blame other people or...when presented with a mistake, I tend to assume someone did something wrong, instead of
first assuming positive intent or IDK, investigating the reason why something was done in the first place? I am just so quick to say, Ah this person did something wrong. Because I still sometimes like to feel high and mighty and doesn't that just say a lot. For the (5~) people reading this, hi. This is me. I know no one asked but yeah it's Sunday. I have run of words momentarily so I keep coming back to what day it is. I have plans of going out today to buy milk and juice. Do you miss specific days, like
miss as in "yearn for" or yeah maybe miss as in "miss out on" may apply. So for example, I miss the days when we would but white bond paper by the piece, 0.50 cents was it? Per piece? That memory popped up when I was buying one ream of paper and I was overcome with a yearning for my childhood when I would go to the sari sari store and buy 10 pieces for 5 pesos and I would be happy to have 10 pieces of bond paper but now I have one ream and I am far
from happy? Wow that took a turn??? Okay. It's 6 a.m. There's a slight blue color on my window. Rap on radio, AC on my feet are cold. The lamp is still on, yellow against this hesitant morning light. My favorite time of day is when I know exactly what to do next. Coffee mayhap. Tea. Eggs. White bread. Potato chips, I've been having watermelon ice lollies almost every morning for the past month. It's my "you survived another workday from home" reward. Have you seen that review of Taylor Swift's album calling
the first great
pandemic art or something. I kind of started praying then for Radiohead to release an album because MAN WOULDN'T IT BE FUCKING NICE to have that. Nothing to do directly with Taylor Swift actually, except, music and good art yes, but my brain just went there. Radiohead please release something anything. So. I am craving for pizza and brownies. Soup. Warm soup. What else. Cake. The old timey type of cake with the flower icing and pastel colors. Also milk. Cold milk. Melon milk. Cookies. Oatmeal cookies. And pasta for some reason. An abundance of pesto pasta. I am hungry.
Ok somI had water instead. Considered putting this down and finishing later when I had some food maybe my thoughts will make more sense but after the water decided to trudge on and finish this in one~ sitting. So. I am very sensitive to small sounds I get irritated easily!!! What are you doing now, are you eating are you watching a film (what are you watching?) are you listening to music (who are you listening to?) are you thinking of your old pet/s? Which one in particular? I am writing for one person in particular right this moment.
Not sure if they will know it's them but doesn't that make you feel warm and giggly? To know that someone you're talking about knows it's them? And they feel warm also? I like my friends so much sometimes and then there are days when I just...disappear and disengage. Not that anyone notices (or says something) but I do notice when I'm being a shit friend. Anyway. We're all allowed to disengage sometimes. It's okay. I tell myself this a lot of times. It's okay. It's like I love you in that it loses its meaning if you say
it too many times. But does it? I say, say it whenever you feel like saying it. It's okay. IDK what my point was there. So okay almost done with the batch and I still don't have sensible Juy reminiscences haha. Okay. There was menudo and ice cream early in the month care of sweet friends, a Zoom catchup a few days after that, good work days, good conversations with my mother and brother; my father being smiley this one Friday night, my brother offering to wake me up when my alarm fails me (or when I fail it, yeah).
This month has been about friends and family. My heart is happy. My heart is sad. It's always at the same time. I will take it. I will take it not feeling anything at all! At Shangri-La Plaza's food court you will be assaulted with a not-far possibility that we are meant to be alone, or at least that we are being conditioned to be alone. Table for just one? It's funny and scary. This pandemic has brought out our best and worst and I regret that platitude, did I use platitude in the right context? IDK. No.
My anger stems from wanting something to stop and that something not stopping. When was the first time you felt abandoned? Is that memory still vivid in your brain. Mine is. It was kindergarten and my mother left me at my classroom door standing beside my teacher. I can still remember the feeling. It was a hollow wail in the deepest part of my chest that I was never able to let out and it's still in there somewhere. I am still hurt a little when parents tiptoe out of the room so their kids won't cry when they feel
their parent's absence. The going away is not what hurts, it's the breaking of the trust. I mean, yeah, the parent is not breaking anything! But in the child's head there is a betrayal of sort. I wish we can find a way to prevent childhood trauma (even the seemingly harmless ones!) so all people will grow up to be well adjusted human beings who have no memory of being hurt, and who are not haunted by "memories" they are not even sure happened. In an ideal world yes. But! Let me contradict myself and say that there is necessary
sadness. I will always be a firm believer in necessary sadness. There are different levels of grief and strife all over the world. I know there are kinds of hurt and sadness I cannot even fathom, some children suffer some children die some children will never know joy in that their lives have been imprinted on by the trauma brought on by their circumstances and I just wish there was a way we can keep all children safe because the future depends on them. If we are happy if we are safe if we are kind, imagine how good we
can have it? Imagine what better ways we can think of and experience if we were raised "right"? Not that it's all on the parents, no! But...just imagine, it all starts in the home right? What lessons do you still go by now we're taught to you as a child? Think on that. Are these lessons helping you be kind and considerate or do you find that some people are not so receptive of them. I'm mouthing off now IDK where I'm going but again I trust that you know. Are you still here? Hi. Did you have a
dancing sunflower toy when you were young, or anywhen, really. My father brought home one of those when I was in grade school and it's one of my happiest memories regarding his days working abroad. Do you find yourself fascinated in the strangest of things? I don't have a personal example, just, if you have a strange fixation I'd like for you to send me a message and share, if you are so inclined. There are no parameters, however you define "strange" let's go with that. Do you like the rain do you like the beach are you easily moved
to tears when you see an old couple on the train? How about when a child is sleeping on their parent's lap, so trusting, so new. That wasn't connected to the strange fixation thingy but again, whatever floats your boat. It's almost 7 a.m. I've been writing this batch for 3ish hours now? Maybe. There's cats on the roof. Oblivious that they're disturbing humans in the house. Cat feet on roof, running, noisy. I wish to live in a quiet neighborhood. I wish to meet new people, I'm at a point in my life again when I want something
to change in an abrupt way. Like, something that even I would be taken aback with. I also want ice cream. After writing these I will be going to the nearby 7-Eleven to buy potato chips and ice cream and maybe watch a movie. It's a Sunday! Haven't really reminisced on July, have I. How do I finish this batch now. I still have two entries to write after this. I really wish if you have come to this point that you would reach out and say Hi and tell me how your Sunday is going, what is your
current favorite song? Mine is still Fine Line by Harry Styles. That "We'll be alright" near the end transports me to a bright place and keeps me hopeful, really. Every time I listen to it I cry a good cry. How was your July. Maybe we can talk about that, I will listen. I'd like to hear stories. Are you still friends with all your friends? Me not so much. I've discovered who I can do without and I can't do without. No hard feelings, just honesty and helpful realizations. Better off without each other, happy to have had you
in my life. Thank you. Bye. It's good to prune every now and again, as one gets older you develop a certain amount (very finite) tolerance for things and you just know instantly most times what you don't have energy for so then it becomes so much easier to walk away. Swipe up that application. Force Stop. Delete the app mayhap. Move on. So much lighter and so much happier now that we don't have the weight of so much love to give to people who don't want it. Did that sound bitter? It wasn't supposed to. I promise you.
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