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Hey, September!!! Hey. Last night was my last shift at the job in 6750. Tiki picked me up from work then he fed me a McSpicy + apple berry juice freeze. Then he had takoyaki and I had a chicken pesto wrap (YUM). It's Sunday today and things are quite hazy but it's like they're also doing their best to make themselves appear clearer. I really appreciate all the answered prayers, all the help, all the nudges, all the harsh but much needed reminders that I have got to get my shit together. I hope tomorrow something outrageous comes my way.
I keep trying to get up earlier but always end up snoozing the alarm 100 times and oversleeping. Byron woke me up today and I was almost late for
. We got on a bus just in time, I think, got to our respective appointments in time and phew, what a day. I had an exam, then I headed to my old office to sign the clearance form and surrender my access card, then I headed to another office for another appointment. Told people the good news later on. Oh hey, Monday, I love you so much, too!
Saw On the Job today. Good movie. The laughter and shocks weren't forced. I wish, if I were to write a script, to be able to produce something tight and brilliant like that. The simplest and truest facets of life, of human nature -- when depicted in the movies -- have the most power. I think this movie will stay with me for a really long time. Had some overpriced gelato drink (which tasted good anyway) but mmmm, better not to do that again (buy something too expensive). MRT closed early. During heavy rains. Bus ride home was quite tiring. But anyway.
Days this week are like pretty flowers that keep on getting prettier and more fragrant each day. I am very grateful for every good and bad thing that's happened. The stuff I am learning to let go with a happy heart, the stuff that I am learning to fight for, the stuff that I am learning to treat with just the right balance of fervor and lightness, urgency and allowance. I am sending out my gratitude to the universe for these fragrant flowers and I hope the same is true for my loved ones, especially my beautiful, kind-hearted mother.
Hey, Thursday! Enrolled for driving lessons today. Hurrah for functional days. Week is coming to a close and I am very excited for Monday, for when I start on a new job. This new beginning is different in a lot of ways. All I see is the color yellow, a bright shade, and it's telling me a lot of happy, cute things. Like: Make new friends! Be more confident! Work harder! Learn more! Spend more time with people who are important to you! Invest more time and patience for people who need it. Be kind, be less selfish, love harder.
Had dinner, coffee and a fun catch-up with Irene last night. Drank a large-ass mug of brewed coffee, thinking that I would still be able to sleep anyway, I was wrong, coffee did its job well. I was telling Irene that coffee has no effect on me anymore, in that I can drink loads of it and I would still be able to sleep without difficulty. That is a long-winded way of saying that I can be wrong about a lot of things. Anyway, this week is shaping up to be one of this year's most unforgettable.
Drove for six straight hours yesterday. Corey in Empire Records said: There's 24 usable hours in every day (well, her dad told her that) and isn't it amazing how we can do a lot of things in one day and not feel so dead-tired and annoyed? Things that we really like doing and look forward to doing again? People we like seeing and spending time with? I realize every day, life is too short to spend it on being sad because of people and things we lost, it's much better to spend it doing what really makes us happy.
Hey, September. Hey, 2013. I just want to say thank you for being so kind, for being appropriately blunt and harsh, too, for making me realize and understand matters that need realization and understanding. There are 2,873 different things that need my attention, I look at my planner and there they are, always being relegated to "next week," "for when I have more time," "maybe tomorrow," and it is slowly coming to a point when I am getting tired of my foot-dragging. I want to constantly dive off a cliff and make a spectacular fool of myself. Yes.
First day at new job today. Was 20 minutes late. Stellar. Four hours in and so far, so good. Took note that tomorrow shall be a "wake up and get up early" day because EDSA traffic is nasty in the morning. Been reacquainted with it last week but didn't make it a point today to apply what I learned. Must improve on applying stuff I learned to practical use. Office mates seem nice. I love this part of Makati, very cozy and friendly. I love small shops and hidden nooks and crannies. These parts of the city are quite lovely.
Bhikkhuni Pema ChŲdrŲn asked: Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing? Today is Tuesday. Somebody offered to buy me coffee and I said "No." "No?!" was his reply, maybe incredulous that all I said was No. I was taken aback, too, that I said it right after he offered, didn't even say "thank you, but..." and that I actually said No to my favorite thing on Earth. Making a mental note to react more appropriately next time. Because what is the most important thing? It's saying Yes.
It's Wednesday, 8:31 pm. Third day at the new job today and so far, things have been quite nice. I am relishing these quiet days, this chill week, the smoother commute today (as compared to Monday -- I was late for work on my first day -- and Tuesday -- it took me more than 2 hours to get home [the usual time is 30 minutes]). I am trying to zone out from the creeping stress and boiling point that outside stimulus are taunting me to succumb to. Two more days until the weekend and I like where I am now. Huzzah.
I would really like to wean myself off of Facebook, if there was another way to keep in touch with Mama and Kuya that does not necessitate a black hole like FB, and which is as accessible, I would gladly switch to that. There is Skype, email, The Telephone, but... So yeah, I limit myself with the "but." And I am sheepishly admitting that I am an FB addict. There is so much going on in other people's lives, according to their wall posts, and there is so much else I see that they are not saying. Very, very interesting.
Friday! First week at new job was great. I like this optimism. There are a few substantial changes I need to focus on, foremost of them my work habits. Just a little nudge here and there, a major effort, and consistency, consistency, consistency. Also need to revisit compassion and patience. Very important in this life, those two virtues. I am easily distracted from the more important and urgent matters that need my attention. I hope, by the time I'm 35, to be a braver and kinder version of the me now. Happier, too. I also want to be in love.
Today I am again letting go of a portion of this affection. Little by little, I hope that someday I will thoroughly understand I deserve more than this. I should stop ďgetting byĒ and accepting what is given to me like it is all I can ever have. You are a great person and this is the farthest we can go, and itís no oneís fault that someone is getting hurt every now and then. If there is a secret to all the problems in the world, it would be: Protect yourself, be vulnerable, and learn to balance.
There comes a point when everything seems redundant and pointless. Even the mere act of waking begs the question, "what for?" It's in the getting up, the walking towards the bathroom, the doing of something, that this question's answered. Sometimes we become so tired of everyday life, of the things we must do, the person we must become, that we forget it's in these everyday-ness that we are defined, it's in our dedication and consistency that we find out what we are made of, how patient we are, how we provide space for love, even if there's no space.
Note to self: Limit personal web browsing to 30 minutes per day. Save money! Clean room weekly, every other day if possible. Do your laundry every 2 weeks, every five days if possible. Eliminate ďif possibleĒ from vocabulary. Give self more worth. Focus on one thing at a time. Be more compassionate. Do not ever bad-mouth anyone. Do not ever assume. Be happy and forgiving all the timeóif anyone happens to abuse this disposition, be kind to that person. ďI will love you like this now, you can recognize it later,Ē Thao said. Never expect, always give thanks.
Iím waiting for you to notice that all the things Iíve written is for you. Iím waiting for the day when I can look you in the eyes and say the things I want to say, such as: Can we go out on a real date, I would like to ask about your childhood. If youíre uncomfortable doing that, can we at least start somewhere? That is a long way of saying ďI like you.Ē I wish someday someone will ask me out, really ask me out and want to be with me the whole day.
I have got to stop making it about me all the time. Last Saturday I went to Ulapís first birthday party at Jollibee (lately, my diet consists of Jollibee fare, makes me feel 5 y.o.) See? I just made it about me again. Anyway, I was alone, and y'know, going to a childrenís party by oneís lonesome is a baffling kind of sad. Anyway, I was at LTO last Monday and itís really surprising how people can be so generous and kind in the moments when you least expect kindness. I love the rain sometimes.
Second week at new job. Iím having loads of fun. Insert large smiley with all my teeth showing. Iím loving this time of my life. The only thing that can make me kind of sad these days is the reality that I canít go to Guam in the near future, not just yet, to visit my nephew. My nephew, who consumes almost three bottles every time he wakes. My nephew, who is so beautiful and whose photos always give me the giggles. Universe, have I already told you I'm enjoying this time of my life? Thank you.
Itís so easy to be angry. It takes effort to forgive, to admit that thereís a chance Iím wrong, to recognize that it doesnít even matter whoís right or wrong. There is also the filter of ďBecause I donít want to get hurt.Ē It takes constant reminder that it will only hurt if I make it about me, if I expect, if I do something thatís beyond the sheer sincere intention of just doing it. Iím so black and sinister inside that itís so difficult to let someone be close enough.
I worry that I might lose you if we donít get to talk for long stretches of time. Like, if we donít communicate for 24 hours, thatíll equal losing a thousand chances of keeping you in my life. I worry too much about something that I cannot touch, someone who is not even mine in the first place. No one can ever be anyoneís. Still, I worry that if I let my pride eat at me, I lose the chance of having you in my life.It should be easy, letting this go. But it's not.
Imperceptible losses are those that you see from afar. You see them approaching ever so slowly, taking their sweet time, you see them and you wait for them to come, not knowing whether to welcome or turn them away when they finally arrive. In the waiting and anticipation, you become distracted with something else and do not notice the arrivals. You forget sometimes that not everything announces its arrival. Sometimes they just stand there, say your name once, and if you donít respond, walk away. You have to always pay attention. It may be too late when you notice.
Any relationshipís worth is not based on the usual: ďHave you eaten?Ē (vs Letís eat now.) ďWhere are you now and what are you doing?Ē (vs Where are you now, Iím on my way to see you.) ďIím thinking of you.Ē (vs Letís see each other tonight.) ďLetís go out some time?Ē (vs Letís go out now.) A relationship may be measured (however futile the exercise is) by years of not speaking, an instant re-connection, and moments that donít need words. My fondest memories of people are made of these moments.
In spite of our best efforts to do otherwise, we sometimes still succumb to lip service, empty statements, gratuitous conversation starters. I do that sometimes, mostly via reflex, and afterwards proceed to cringe at the uselessness of it all. In our urge to connect we just end up disconnecting. And I know itís unreasonable to expect that people appreciate sincerity, because whoís to know now if someone is being true, fake or neutral? I guess everyone, as some sort of defense, thinks of someone as fake nowadays. Its becoming harder and harder to fight this mindset every day.
An 11-year-old boy mesmerized me today. I was supposed to teach him about something, but he ended up teaching me instead. During our lessons, I kept telling his mom, "Your kid is really awesome." I must have said it 349 times. Also during those two hours, a sense of strange unease enveloped me, I remember thinking: these are the moments that should stick, but why am I almost certain that in about a few hours I'd forget the details? Right now all I remember is how I felt. But as usual, that is difficult to put into words.
I am focusing too much on other peopleís behavior and not paying enough attention to my shortcomings. So yes, I know Iím being an asshole nowadays, this is why Iím projecting -- talking instead about people who are not behaving according to my standards (my standard is simple: Respect.) Itís really not my goddamn business what they do with their lives. I can just walk away and be on my merry way to something better, people who deserve my time more, or cake. Itís so easy I donít know why I make it so hard.
I'm thinking of you, wondering if you got there safely, were people polite? Was there food? And did you have a nice enough time? I begin to compose a text message, ďPssst, how are things?Ē But that is not the proper question to ask nowadays, and it would belie what I really want to know, which is, if you are okay, if your heart is peaceful. I want to know a lot, but Iím afraid that if I ask these questions too much, too often, you will turn away. Why is it so difficult to express the simplest things?
I want cake. Maybe 5 variants. Ube, mocha, mango, strawberry, chocolate. Then pasta, then iced tea, and then you ó in front of me, humming something. I want to hear your voice, look into your eyes and laugh with you. Remind you, hey, be nice ó itís all we can do to keep our sanity. Be nice? You will ask. You will wrinkle your nose and ask me again using your brows and eyes. You will wait for my answer, pretend to be impatient, and then perk up and listen when I start answering. I like it when you do that.
Always with half a mind to discontinue whatever it is Iím doing. I decide today that I will tell you, hey, this is how I feel. I get to your doorstep, command myself to knock, and when I hear your footsteps, I run for safety. Because falling in love with you is a risk. Having you know how I feel may have the ability to forever render me immobile, useless, weak. This is an exaggerated picture that I like to imagine, because Iím a coward, and it is so comfortable to stay here, in this cave of fear.
Hey you, boy with a cute smile: I feel as if a very big chunk of my heart has died a little this month. Walking away is never easy, but isnít it that we should always strive to do things that arenít easy? I want to conclude this month with hope, love, and understanding. Iím trying to memorize your face, voice, smell. Iím hoping that the future will afford me the ability to remember my affection for you as vividly as I do now. If not, I want to at least remember the way you walk.
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