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The last day of May was sobering in so many ways. I learned, on a Friday, to pay attention to the omissions, too. I've been so dazzled by what was being given that I failed to see what was not. So hey, I realized I can lose you in so many other ways -- not just by telling you how I feel. So today I will declare to the universe that I'm not scared anymore. I realized a lot of things lately, one of them my arrogance at believing that I know enough about preventing myself from getting hurt. So wrong.
Of course most of what's here is fiction. Of course what I say is true. Of course you're not a figment of my imagination. Of course I can tell you that I think about you all day. Of course It didn't hurt when she left me. Of course I was fine when you told me we should just be friends. Of course I'm honest. Of course I'm a liar. Of course it's easy to forget. Of course it's such a nice situation to be in -- liking someone who doesn't see you. Of course we tell ourselves more lies than truths.
I went to work without taking a bath. Water supply in our street was cut without warning. Good thing it was such a regular occurrence in the past that we shift to autopilot without much complaint, or none at all (which can be both a good and bad thing). My autopilot mode during a no-water scenario is to accept my impending fate of not being able to bathe. My father and brother acquired water from the truck parked at the street corner for my bath though. I was so touched that they did that even if I didn't ask.
Saw two movies the past three days: The Hangover 3 and Now You See Me. I enjoyed both so yay. Also been eating quite a lot in the past week. I was looking at my legs minutes ago and was alarmed that they are too big now, like maybe I should stop eating for a week because clearly all the food is going to my legs. I digress from what I wanted to write which is that I dreamt of a magical forest creature boyfriend and a gunfight with nurses. Also, that maybe I should give more time for unlearning.
A very good friend sent me an email about being treated as an option. It's funny that all one has to do is decide that the path is wrong, and it's not too late to go the opposite direction. I've been so stubborn refusing to admit that things are not rosy as I'd truly like them to be. I'm so tired falling for people who have the propensity to take me for granted. I am so tired of unfinished sentences, innuendos, fake declarations. Anyway, bad day at work today. I'm glad I have friends who are generous with funny stories.
It used to be that during family gatherings I focused more on taking photographs rather than mingling with my relatives. I believed then that the ensuing photographs will be important someday when our memory fails us. But eventually I realized that time is better spent doing other things instead. A photograph is a beautiful thing, sure. But the memory of my father's laughter and Kuya's voice, the sound of Byron's snore--I have to trust that I can remember these in the future with the same vividness and love as I do today.
It's Friday! Not as jumpy-happy as the past ones but happy nonetheless for the 2-day break from work. There are slivers of optimism scattered throughout the day. Thoughts like: If I ever get around to really writing. If I ever have the guts to do what I love. If I ever get to finally admit I can do whatever it is I want. If I ever reach the day when I will stop postponing my life. If I ever take full responsbility of my happiness. Someday all the things we need to do, we will get to do.
Tiki and I visited Shi, Allan and Orange in Cabanatuan. We had lunch and lots of dessert. Orange has grown taller. We last saw him in October. He concocted banapple mixtures for us, later in the afternoon he mixed cheese spread and bread with his masterpiece. He is such a sweet kid. He kept on asking if we were staying the night. When we said no, we had to go back to Manila, he pouted a little and said "But I will miss you." We promised we would visit agan in August. He looked appeased and color-marked his calendar.
Lizzie's seventh birhday today. Kiddie party at McDonalds then dinner at Sucat. So full. We had a lot of dessert, as usual, and had fun watching the kiddos, Caleb and Bullet, run around and shriek. It rained at around 8pm. Kuya told us the good news yesterday. He'll leave soon to be with his family. We are excited for him. We are excited to meet his little boy. We are excited for all the coming changes. But for now, we'll maximize weekends to be together and just be grateful for these times we are given to spend with each other.
I feel that something unexpected is about to happen. You will ask: Well, isn't everything that happens unexpected? I will answer: Yah but this one is big. And you know what? My biggest concern is if I will be wearing the proper underwear if and when it happens. Would I even care? And how much, how long would I hate myself for not being prepared enough to prevent it from happening. Sometimes I think it's easier to resort to self-hate instead of correcting my wrongs. Sometimes I'm such a horrible person. I want to be ready when pain comes.
You are changing right before my eyes and it is hurting me because I thought I knew you and somehow I latched on to the fact that we have similar views in life and maybe that is reason enough for us to stay friends but now you are saying such different things and I feel both of us slipping away. If someone wants to reach you that someone will make a way to reach you. I am done making excuses for you. I am done hurting myself by giving too much weight to the things that you are not doing.
I want to remember today as a day of key realizations. Also, I would like to halt the sad and bitter tone of my writing and focus instead on the good things. If you're still reading this by now, hey, how are you? I hope the rain didn't dampen your mood. As for me, I realized that I want to do something significant and that I'm done hiding behind anonymity. I am done being invisible, selfish and afraid. Who knew that an unsuspecting Wednesday can make someone realize these things? Happy Independence Day, Philippines. Here's to life from now on.
I have this big smile inside me, so big that the rain and negative people didn't do such a good job of making things worse like they normally do in my world. I was telling Stephen, I wish I was a child again and know the things I know now so that I can modify the way I reacted to some things. He said something in the vein of "but that's how it goes," which in its basicness makes so much sense. So I told him later on that I'm excited for when I'm 40--for when I know better.
Still struggling to overcome ego, entitlement and expectations. A good chunk of my life has been dedicated to feeding these 3 Es that another good chunk goes to regretting time lost. Right now I feel that I've got to maximize time but I just end up lounging in bed not wanting to start the day because I dread that if I do, it will inevitably lead to its ending which is just my roundabout way of saying that god I waste so much time worrying, being scared. Something is telling me to run towards it and say: Let's do this.
There is peace in knowing some things for sure. I dreamt of you. We were cuddling. I held your hand and I felt in your touch that you didn't want to be there with me. That split second of hesitation informed me that it was bound to end even before it began. If it wasn't a dream, say, we were still together, I would've ignored that and kept on convincing myself that we're good. You will go on worrying whether or not you will eventually tell me the truth. But now in hindsight, I see it clearly--it wasn't working.
It's Sunday night. You know how some people update the Internet about what they ate, where they shopped, what beach they're on? Little things they want to share here and there. I used to be that person, too, wanting to share every little thing I think is worthy of sharing. There came a time though when I just want to read about others' lives, lay down on the floor after a full day, and find myself wanting to tell a particular someone about my day. In case you haven't noticed yet, that someone is you. I wish you can know.
Hey, Monday. So here's the thing: You don't tell people how to navigate their sadness. There is someone you want to cheer up, right? What you do is you sit beside him, hold his hand, and stay with him. Listen, give hugs, tell funny stories. But you never, ever give him instructions on how to overcome anything or how to become "happier." But this is just me, of course. Each of us has his own ways of coping. I have to remind myself all the time that not everyone sees things the same way that I do. That's a fact.
Kind of a bad day work-wise but it's all about how I see it. It's been weeks that I've been trying hard to look at the bright side that the actual bright side is now blurring. But keep on keeping on. Have something going on on the side. I dreamed of a blue Heno de Pravia. I dreamed of a big house, a friend who asked me to play the bass for his band, a friend who was hugging me insincerely (I knew because it was a dream and don't you love how you know everything in a dream?).
Watched spurs-heat game 6 with Papa and Byron. We had an early lunch, longganiza and egg. Mmmm. Someone's replacing the door and window screens and he's nice and polite. I like how you know at the onset that someone is a good person. You know how a taxi driver automatically comes off rude and you give him a chance because maybe he's just having a bad day but then you realize he's really rude? No tip. Anne and Hailey arrived from Guam today. I can imagine how very happy Kuya is right now. My nephew's coming in August wee!
It's all so embarrassing now, how I told you then that I "sacrificed" time with other people and my "dreams" for time with you. It's so juvenile and funny now, remembering how I believed I could get you back by making you feel guilty and more wanted, or maybe less wanted. I couldn't see the plain fact then, that you just didn't really want me in your life anymore, that it's not that you didn't have anything to offer -- but that you didn't want to offer anything anymore. Everything looks clearer in hindsight, yeah? Sometimes I like how time operates.
It's a room with 4 clocks. All clocks have stopped running, each of them stuck in a different time. If you enter this room the first thing you will hear is the absence of the ticking. You will notice it first because the clocks are the ones welcoming you once you enter the door. They're on a table, in a row, sitting forlornly as if waiting for time itself to happen to them. But even time gets tired of where it's supposed to be. Someone locked this room years ago but you managed to get in. What do you want?
This Saturday was quite nice. Very nice, in fact, that it felt like 48 hours long and yet i still didn't want it to end. I want to ask the universe a favor: Please help me become less onion-skinned? Please help me trust in people more and go out of my way to talk to people, not be worried so much about saying the wrong things, looking stupid and embarrassing myself. Please help me be myself but also discover parts of myself which can help me a better version of me. Please help me know what I really want.
One more week and it's July, officially the second half of 2013. This year is hurtling past in almost lightning-speed. I exaggerate. Sundays are good days. This particular Sunday was nice in so many ways. Work again tomorrow, I am quite excited to do stuff on my list. I ate a lot of junk today and am now feeling guilty, not just for that but also for feeling so many things at the same time. Sometimes it frustrates me that even I can't understand myself. But it's all good. Workable, tolerable, improvable, livable, just blurting out -able words now.
I am not a suitable friend for girls. There is faulty wiring that causes me to black out when it comes to girls in general. I find that I relate better with boys. I don't know why or how I came up with this conclusion but there. Also, my patience is very low with people who act like they know me, there is also something revolting about those who are too nice, who don't say things as they are, who patronize other people. I can be an intolerable pain in the ass, and most often a mind-blowingly boring person.
The jobs I really, really want -- I cannot seem to get. Been dealt with another rejection today and am trying my best to look at it in a positive way i.e. I wouldn't have to subject myself to commute that could possibly cause my death via stress. But I am digressing. There should be something in the coming days to turn things around. Maybe I should go back to being quiet and shutting myself in my own private world, away from the insincerities that insist and take up residence in this abode I try so hard to keep empty.
"You have this softness about you." See, one can't reveal deep secrets to just anyone -- there has to be a level of trust, of an understanding that there is a net when someone falls, maybe a hand if someone slips. But these are lofty expectations, yes. You have to be able to give and let it stop there -- no inkling whatsoever of getting something back. It's a hard situation to be in, having given a part of yourself and seeing it being trampled on. "You have this softness about you," you told me, and then you stepped violently on it.
You don't work for someone's affection. You don't do something because you want attention and gratitude. You don't use your attraction to someone as motivation to be nice to that someone. You do something because you want to. Period. Someone likes you because he likes you. Period. All you have to be is yourself. Period. Because what if you go out of your way to make someone happy and you expect something in return, and it isn't given to you? What then? Stop expecting. Keep doing. Keep giving. Just be. These are all 'secrets' we convince ourselves we don't know.
Rain is pouring. You are somewhere else without an umbrella and I am home feeling so cold. I am thinking of you and wishing I could keep you warm just by thinking it. You are coming home to me and that is comfort enough. In a few minutes the door will open and I will see your face. Your sweet, sweet face. Your clothes will be soaked and you will ask for a hug, warm soup and a cuddle. This pocket of a few minutes of anticipation is the best part of my day, waiting for the nearness of you.
Had coffee and dinner with Honeypie! Still wired from that iced coffee! Honey and I last saw each other in August, I think, and catchup today was 126 versions of awesome! Honey's Dank shared some really interesting stuff, one of which is this thing where a person ascends a mountain on a bike and descends by hang gliding!!! With his bike on his back!!! Onto a body of water!!! We were just talking about cliff diving and Dank brings this up and it is exhilirating just thinking about it! Scary, too! If you could fly where would you go first?
You will read this and there may be some things that will not sit well with you. But I hope you believe me when I say: The bottom line is I think I am at that place now where I look at you and I can be just okay with what we have now. No more unreasonable expectations and baseless resentments. This is okay, I like hearing your voice, asking for more than this feels like a transgression, because the truth is (and this here is the bottom line) what happens happens. I am grateful we met in this lifetime.
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