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Teaching is hard and I think that every kid is out to get me. Hah, that's extreme, but sometimes that's how I feel. I wonder what it would be like to go back in time and just have a different career. I realize that I don't exactly have a reason to complain because I do have a job. Sometimes I wonder if I just complain about things because that's what I am good at. I wish that I could just find the career that makes me happy so I can move on with everything and just be satisfied. But seriously.
Today, I was called a monkey cunt. Yes, I wrote it out because that's what a student had the guts to call me. I have become incredibly chill about cursing and talking about drugs and jail time. It's getting a little crazy how easy it is to deal with things that society considers highly inappropriate. Maybe I will be able to have no feelings of discomfort by the end of this crazy experience. Of course, there's no reason to believe that feelings of discomfort are a good or bad thing. Still not sure if I should worry about this development.
Watching television is my favorite thing. I think this is because my parents used to ban tv during the week. Granted this did not keep me from watching is late at night or in the period of time when the bus would drop me off after school and my mom would get home from work. I freaking love tv shows. I became very obsessed with shows with females leads and will-they, won't-they romantic plot lines. I think this has resulted in having very unrealistic views of relationships and of myself as a super-hero. End of self-analysis.
Lets talk politics. I voted for Obama in 2008 because he was famous and popular and because Sarah Palin scared the shit out of me. I am now voting for Obama in 2012 because he cares about social issues that affect me and people I love. Sure, it's a little idealistic to imagine a world where the rich help the poor and all people are given equal rights, but I want to live in that world. I am aware that Obama is a man seeking power and he probably believes few of the things he speaks about in debate settings.
Somedays I just want to be drinking on a beach and not in a classroom with crazy kids. Of course, I rarely get what I want. Other things I'd love to have are a boyfriend, more money, a ticket to Barcelona and some really cool talent like guitar playing or landscape painting. Why do I spend so much time hoping and wishing? I should just live in the present. I should, but I probably won't. We always want what we can't have and that's what keeps us motivated. Or maybe I'm just destined to be unhappy because I'm so miserable.
Currently a little bit drunk because I just watched Obama win the election and decided that half a bottle of Cabarnet Savignon was the way to celebrate. I have been told that I drink too much, but I wonder if that's because I hang out with some very conservative people. So drinking on a school night is a bad call? Ok, yes, yes it probably is a bad call, but sometimes I just need to pretend I'm not a teacher or that my day doesn't start at 530 am. I will now finish this message and drink gatorade. Aw yeah.
I have a crush on a boy and a crush on a girl. Does that mean I'm bisexual? Or just bored? Or lonely? Why do we feel the need to label everything? Also, why am I so scared to find out if I'm a little bit gay. I think it would change very few things, but I worry that certain friends wouldn't feel comfortable around me anymore. I think I need to be more open minded and assume better things about the people in my life. What makes me think they would care one way or the other about it?
How is it not Friday? Seriously how?? I am so ready to be done with this week not because it's been bad, but because I just need to be sleeping more! I am sleeping in more and more lately. It's getting to the point that I walk into school with less time to get my act together. I am literally counting the minutes some days until I get to come home and put my pjs on. What is my life?? I am seriously in need of a hobby or a good time. I just need to sleep. So so tired.
Friday, I love thee. You are beautiful and full of joy and happiness. I want to swim inside your magical hours. hah, I want to be a poet because one of my students is interested in slam poetry. And she is crazy good at it! I am so entranced when she performs her work that I have started to experiment with writing me own. I'm terrible at it. Like really awful. I wish I could have a talent like that, because I was not kidding yesterday about needing a hobby. I'm thinking it should be exercize related, like yoga maybe.
There was a girl who lived in a beautiful castle on the sea. She smiled often and played the mandolin for her father every afternoon. When Summer turned to Fall, her father grew very ill and she watched as the man she loved began to wither away. In an attempt to comfort him, she played her mandolin all day long. Her smile shown much less and if at all, only for him. When winter arrived, her father died. She packed away her mandolin and let time steal her smile and her love for music away, just as it stole him.
My father was a shoemaker and my mother was a dancer. If there were a match made more perfectly, it was probably a fairy tale, because the reality of their love was more idyllic than most people would believe. They lived for each other and new the innermost needs and thoughts of the other without a second thought. When my father grew too old and my mother too frail to dance, they comforted each other by holding hands on our rickety porch, drinking homemade lemonade and smiling softly. It seems too boring and patient to be true, and you're right.
Nothing to say today except that I think grad school may have been a bad call for me. I am very lazy when it comes to these courses. I do the bare minimum on most assignments and I firmly understand the saying, "C's get degrees" because that is the amount of effort I feel like putting into this master's program. I worry sometimes that I might not even get a C, which would make this tedious assignment even more pointless. No offense, but what use does writing 100 words a day have? Cool, I wrote about nothing once again, sweet.
A year ago today, my dad died of multiple melanoma. I think that's why I was so snarky this week. I didn't realize how little I was thinking about my grief until it hit me that today is the anniversary of the hardest day of my life. I am not good at being vulnerable and that's why I'm grateful to have this assignment to talk about it. I want to write something on facebook or say something to a friend, but I don't know how to express anything anymore. I am just sad that he no longer exists, that sucks.
I'd like to buy you a gift that would express how much I love you. I'd like to say all the words you need to hear. I'd like to call you on the phone and whisper sweet sayings that console you and make all your worries disappear. I'd like to dream all your dreams and wish you the best, but I can't remember how to feel like you. It's the distance that changed us and the time that hurts the most. No one asked if I was ready for the painful separation. If they did, I would have said no.
If I have a baby, I will be very much like my mother. Granted, teaching has made me question whether the institution of parenthood is a thing I dare to undertake. However, my mother is incredible and I am on my way to being just like her. She put herself through college and raised two children on her own and made a career for herself and is now the manager of her division of oncology research. She's a power house and she's a widow, but she isn't afraid to tackle life on her own. She's strong and independent and mine.
It's my parents anniversary today. They would've been married for 27 years. That's quite an achievement in this day and age. I worry that I might never get married. My relationships consist of unhealthiness and unbalanced love. What I mean is that I date people who are a mess emotionally and then I am either more or less in love than they are. I think this relates to my parents marriage. They were not good together. Actually, they probably would not have stayed together if he had not become sick. Yet, it is an achievement, of what I don't know.
I went to a wine tasting in Vegas today. It was the best and I got to hang out with co-workers. I have a crush on one of them. That is a little taboo, right? I am not supposed to like someone who is A) someone I work with regularly and B) someone rather older than me. To make this match a bit more complicated, this person got divorced within the last 4 months. Wow, like I said I have a problem with only finding relationships that are unhealthy. Maybe I have a commitment phobia. Probably gonna die alone.
I've almost made it through this entire month and it just occurred to me that if my teacher does read each of these, then she will be entirely freaked out by me. If you are reading this: I am relatively normal but I think this assignment is making me crazy. hah, if she doesn't read this, which I am currently banking on, here is what I really think of your class...It's great. But I wish I were taking it as an undergrad and full-time student because I would probably put all my energy into it. But I'm not.
I've got turkey dreams and I need to be eating starch yesterday. But seriously, I am going crazy with needing a break. I feel like the whole school is feeling it. I am jumping out of my skin with the desire to be done with teaching. How the hell am I supposed to survive two years? I think TFA should have realized that I am not made for this kind of business. I am weak and the only thing keeping me from quitting is my pride. How would I ever explain to my family, "I quit because it's too hard?"
I listen to Imagine Dragons and I just want to have sex. That's a real thing. I probably am not allowed to admit this, but it's been months. I wish I could go back to college, because getting laid was just easier back then. Or maybe I was easier. Either way, I am feeling rather desperate lately. I almost slept with a boy from TFA who is very confused about his sexuality. I think he's just struggling to admit he's gay and that's why he's projecting his interest on me. It's flattering but I'm not interested guess I'll keep trying.
Today is the longest day of my life. I am gonna say it. I actually just started putting on this video from 60 minutes which has limited educational purpose because I just couldn't deal with teaching anymore. It was hard! I couldn't focus and I just wanted to say, class dismissed, I need to get the heck outta here! What's sad is that I'm not running towards anything. I am going to Pasadena to visit family that is both awkward and a little annoying. Of course, it's better than spending Thanksgiving alone or selling my soul for a ticket home.
Happy Thanksgiving! I am grateful for the following things in no particular order: my family, food, a job, target, Ross, socks, God, alcohol, TFA, my car, my friends, movies, television shows, hand lotion, chapstick, king-sized beds, electricity, milk shakes, shoes, pacifiers, IPhones, guitar hero, my sister, my crush, my apartment, my computer, my brain, my eyes, my heart, my health, the United States, Capriotti's subs, contact lenses, Imagine Dragons, my ears, my digital watch, the CW, English Breakfast tea, Trader Joe's vanilla creamer, Publix supermarkets, Taco Bell, and school holidays. All of these things and more are my favorites.
I went to Black Friday at Best Buy today and I wanted to buy the new Imagine Dragons cd. I know, I could have done this any other day, but the family I am visiting for Thanksgiving love technology and wanted to get in on the deals so I needed some purpose to join them. I didn't get it. I must say that Black Friday brings out the crazy in me. I wasn't even there for any of the deals, but I was pushing others and being fiesty because it drives me crazy when there is some sort of inefficiency.
I don't want to go back to my classroom. Please don't make me. hah, somedays I wish I could just choose a new career path. Do I dislike teaching or am I just lazy? It's rough when I wake up and can't wait to go back to sleep. Can I make it through for 2 years? Can I make it through 3 more weeks? My kids are definitely better, but I'm still failing at this whole teaching effectively thing. Am I transforming lives? Hardly, I'm just trying to ruin them less. Let's try again Monday I guess. I love Saturdays.
There's something really heavenly about tea with Trader Joe's Vanilla creamer and honey. It makes life a little brighter. I can't believe that's al it takes these days. Little treats. One more cookie or a candy bar. Eating my feelings is completely my jam. I lost like 20 pounds in the beginning because of all the stress, but now I'm back to gaining weight. So not great. I'm definitely all over the place with my health. And I just need to make it for the next month before I can finally rest and relax. I can make it. I think.
Four weeks straight. We get to see each other every day and I can't say anything. It's a little bit of the best and also the worst. How do I explain how I feel? I'm just stressed and I'm projecting all these feelings onto you, right? I hate feeling like at any moment I'll spill the beans. I need to be honest, right? Or maybe stay silent and keep this relationship from becoming awkward. I would hate to ruin what we have. It's hard wondering what things might be like if I admitted it to you. Speak up? Or not?
Longest day of my life. So exhausted and it's only Tuesday. Found out today that I can't have the computer lab and so I get to rearrange my entire schedule, because this school cannot seem to give me any technology that would work for a research project. Why make this a core standard if it's nearly impossible to research either inside or outside school? I hate the number of kids I have to try and help. There's one of me and I can't possible give 200 kids the help they need. Why do I feel bad about this? Seriously, why?
Hump day. I talked with a kid about his love for this girl who is dating someone else and I felt for him, but it seemed so oddly high school that I almost couldn't identify. I am really starting to love this kids. I want to be a better teacher for them. How did I get myself into this? I feel way to much pressure to be good at this and I have no clue what I am doing some weeks. How do I even teach citations to kids?? I suck at this and someone needs to realize that, now!
Went to the JV boys basketball game and it was awesome! One of my freshmen had an epic moment where he shot a basket from 3/4 of the court and made the basket on the buzzer. I felt like I was living the teenage dream. It was really fun. I even sat with some students. Some days it's really worth it being a teacher and being stressed and wanting to cry. I love these kids and I want them to love me back. I feel very empty. I need a break, but we still have 3 weeks straight, shit.
FInal day of the month! Yes, I am seriously so pumped! Hah, I did like this writing class, but I feel really to overwhelmed with teaching to give it the attention it deserves. I may be the first of my friends to fail this course. I am joking, but it really does make me nervous how ill-prepared I am for this final paper. Gotta get my life together. I have no clue where to begin. Should I focus my energy on management, grading, lesson planning or UNLV?? How do people/adults figure all of this out? And some have kids!
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