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It's tired to be always sad, to go around and exist as if your heart is not weighing you down.
You dislike confronting problems. Instead, you chose to hide them under your bed. Knowing that it is still around but you are leaving it as it is to slowly eat you up.
It feels inevitable anyway so you let it be.
Everything is slipping right out of your grasp. Then you slowly close your eyes and let go of everything.
Then you end it with the line "I'm sorry" and your tears will be pooling at the corners of your eyes.
Hi, I'm Miki. And yes, I'm another stranger that you'll get to know on the internet.
I have given you a piece of my being, through my random words that formed accidental sentences. And I bet you have seen my plain face too. Look at the avatar.
If ever you'll stumble upon this introduction that doesn't even turn out to be one, forgive me.
I often think that too much information is boring, because I wanna let you feel hanging. You're supposed to want more, and I am supposed to be giving you the lingering feeling. But sometimes I suck. End of story.
Wouldn't it be nice if we never met?
We will stay as strangers that has nothing to do with each otherís lives. Iíll see you pass by me in the schoolís hallway, or maybe sit right next to you in the cafeteria.
No threads of connection to tie us together, that way you wouldn't have an effect on me, but instead we got tangled.
I wasn't supposed to know the way you like to hold my hand, or the coffee that you would usually drink. I wasn't supposed to lose sleep thinking about our impossible possibilities.
Being in college was like being inside a pressure cooker.
Maintaining marks, trying to impress Dadís clan, finding time to finish reading my fiction books and wanting to have fun and that should happen simultaneously.
Right now I am trying to add one more on my long list of things to think of before I shut my eyes at night time.
I want to be a doctor.
There, I said it. I donít know what kind of air I have inhaled a few weeks earlier because I suddenly acknowledge that silly statement two sentences ago.
I have this problem when it comes to remembering some ideas that Iíve generated before. Now Iím not sure if Iím a gold fish or a human being, lol jk.
Honestly, I lost the interest in writing lately. Itís because I canít seem to get away from writing about tiny broken hearts and I think itís quite overrated so I tried keeping it in a very much hidden folder in my laptop.
Who would always want to read on some pathetic kid whining about her little heart when the world has bigger problems? No one.
When it rains, I like to sleep the day away. Wrap myself in a warm blanket and build a fort of pillows. Waiting until I actually drift to dreamland.
Sometimes I like to drink coffee and think about a lot of things. And when I get hungry, I would look for a cup of instant noodles.
When thereís an unfinished book in the shelf, I would gladly sit and get lost until I reach the last page.
Also, I often get ideas so I would walk around the house with my pen tucked in my hair. I also prefer wearing a cardigan indoor but ironically turn on the fan at its highest speed.
Remember that kiss?
It was on the 7th of May. I wore my dainty floral dress and you were wearing your grey shirt and jeans.
We went around town under the bright city lights. It was quite late but everything felt right.
Under the traffic lights before red turned green we kissed. It felt like the whole world stopped and right then and there that moment was only for us.
But then tonight reality hit me hard, we are no longer together and everything is only a sad remember. I miss you Alex.
I surprisingly love Math 14 which is Statistics this semester. Actually I am not really a fan of those subjects that is under Math. Favoring it this time is not because of my seatmate John either.
Maybe because I am not having a hard time understanding it, our teacher really made a difference this time. She's also teaching us easier ways to solve problems, the short cuts.
I hope I'll feel the same when I get into Calculus and Trigonometry. Numbers with alphabets and other weird symbols thrown in all at the same time is really not my thing.
I would still remember everything you said, and I find it hard forget. I don't need it anymore. It's an irrelevant reminder of how much I care, how much I've invested my love for a human being that couldn't even reciprocate.
Someone who has a bad way of showing disinterest, confusing me all the way. It has to mean something, kissing and giving away secrets.
My breathing's heavy and my eyes got watery, the thought of you close but not mine breaks my already broken heart. Someone has to signal their intentions.
We all need goodbye.
The smoke and my swirl of emotions filled the room.
Ignoring the warning on the box that says "Smoking Kills", I felt hardcore. I am not too young to do this anyway. I lit another stick again.
Curiosity killed my innocence.
This is not good, really not good. But smoking doesn't make you bad either, well it's just that you just like to give your lungs a hard time.
The thick air travelling down my pharynx and the bitter after taste of a reminder. It was my ransom for anxiety. Vanishing into thin air like the smoke.
A shooting star.
Something wonderful that the universe was capable of creating. It has fallen for some reason, becoming such a lovely view of an end. You'll see it for a while and miss it forever.
They ought to fall for you. As it plunges deep, down the darkest night, with it are your heart's desires. Those wishes you made in an instant. May it be to be love or to have, to find or to be found.
The wishing never stops. Even after every star has fallen from the sky. Wait for another night.
Itís sad to have trust issues even down to simple things.
Another part of me is dying to drop all of the doubts, but time has this grip thatís never loose.
I am scared of what might happen when I let my guard down. Because it has been drilled in my cranium that the worldís ingredients are mostly made up of bad people. I have tried trusting a handful of people lately but they have failed me though.
Still I am hoping that the next time I raffle out my trust, the lucky ticket wonít fail me down.
My favorite book. I never skipped a part of it nor left the book lying in some parts of my room. I was greatly intrigued by it. I found it last year in the university library, with only one copy of it. You wonít fall in love at first sight on it, its plastic cover was torn and itís the paperback version. Worn a bit, full of dog ears and was obviously passed down many times. A white book with a picture of a girl lying on the ground (Oh wait, that was Kristen Dunst) and a boring font that reads as The Virgin Suicides.
Itís a story of the beautiful but broken Lisbon sisters and their uptight parents who are completely in control of their lives. The story will provide you with so much questions and sadness. Every detail that you will read is as told by the boys who are obsessed with them living in the same street. It would always depend on how youíll understand it. Up until now Iím still caught up with the story thinking about how trapped feelings can drive them to end their lives. It is indeed very realistic and Iíll never get tired of re-reading it though its pages have turned yellow.
So I sat right next to my ex this morning at the v-hire, I didn't have a choice since I am already late for class.
There was this indescribable feeling.
He was my first boyfriend ages ago and up until now I havenít found a replacement. I suck. lol Anyway he smiled at me as I passed by him. I am a bit angry at him after all of those things he did last summer. He tried to get me back when I successfully moved on.
He now has an ear piercing and he smelled good just like before. It made me remember our time spent together back then. Okay enough of this.
Take me away from here.
Book me a ticket to somewhere new. Board the airplane with me and Iíll sit near the window while youíre by my side in this flight 912.
Let us discover places, meet people and sleep in one room. We should take photos that only have our smiles, maybe kiss often and walk down the road with our hands intertwined.
But then again, everything that we left behind will start chasing after us. And we canít always run away from it. So I guess Iíll enjoy what we are having right now, while I still can.
I stopped talking to God lately. Not that I don't have my faith in Him anymore, more like because I did something wrong. Makes me feel like I am not worthy of His love.
I tried cutting, swallowing sleeping pills and drowning myself. Who wants to love someone who can't even love herself?
Not appreciating what He has given me is something terrible, but I didn't had any control over my emotions during that all time low I was in.
I want to open up to Him again, just like how I used to. But I feel like a hypocrite every time I pray.
On being the one who is going to be loved less.
Sad isn't it? Feeling the need to beg for their affection. Throwing your pride out of the window because being loved seems rare and you want to give it a big shot even if it's going to be quite unfair.
Constantly scared of finding holes in your very dainty relationship. There will never be such thing as security since day 01 for you know your place, that small space. Something that feels like it's temporary until further notice.
But still you prefer this instead of loneliness.
I've decided to continue writing here in 100 words again. I stopped doing so months ago, this was because I was tired and too uninspired to even lift my pen or hit the alphanumeric keys.
In a span of 2 months and more, I became so unproductive. I ended up hanging on the internet checking out items made of bacon and hunting for dancing panda GIFs. I am floating, often swimming in my stagnancy swimming pool, with tons of chlorine on it.
I eventually need to get out of the water. Staying would only cause sinking.
I am not happy that this happened. I didn't had control of it either. And to judge me for being this weak is saddening.
It won't ever be the same for everyone. People exist in different lives that is filled with different levels of bullshit. You are lucky that you are not slitting your wrist. Life is much easier for you.
I am tired of explaining to everyone why I did such thing. They won't still understand. For them I am just another person who couldn't realize how beautiful life is. I already did. I just stopped appreciating it.
A lot of things can happen within a week or even in a wink of an eye. You get something, you lose something. You smile like an idiot then you suddenly break down and wail.
Always, always guard your heart.
Even before, the world is already filled with bad people you will be with and certain wrong situations you will be in. Surround yourself with your walls, not the ones which are easy to break. Only let a few people know the secret passage. Trust less, because you will be safer this way. This I've realized.
I like bacon because it is the best thing that ever happened to a pig.
I like eggs because it reminds me of the sun and my friends who likes to eat it sunny side up too.
I like pandas because they are lazy but they still look cute without trying.
I like coffee because it reminds me the bitterness of life and a person's choice of adding sugar to make it sweet.
I like writing because for me its typing some random words that forms accidental sentences that would actually mean something sometimes.
I didn't give you a beep, dropped you a message on your inbox or even talked to you about it. Not because you aren't important. You are important and I am afraid you would freak out and fail to understand me.
I don't want to bother you. Your main concern is not me, right? I don't want to be a big mess that you will be in charge of cleaning up.
I don't want your sympathy. I want your love and that would be too much to ask.
I'm sorry for being like this.
Right next to my table is this old couple out on a date. Something that gives me hope that you could really find someone you can grow old with.
Grandpa in his stripe sweater, khaki pants and grey hat. While Grandma is in her nice dress with her sweet smile. Sitting across each other in this crowded restaurant as old love songs play in the background they talked about their day and the weather.
A nice portrait of love that never got tired. Two old souls who managed to stay inlove.
Something I was really happy to see.
So today is the 1st day of October and I still lack tons of text posts for my 100 words. I am getting really unproductive.
It seems like my thoughts can no longer reach my fingertips. Sometimes I would find something that I like to write about yet I would always end up forgetting my words for it. They seem to fly away or maybe get thrown spiraling down into my own black hole in my cerebrum.
I hope I can keep up with this batch. I don't want to abandon this again just like May, so help me God.
So there's this new dance style that went viral on Youtube and suddenly it's blasting on every stereo.
Surprisingly it is Korean and the only lines that I understand is the "Hey sexy lady" part. The song is called Oppa Gangnam Style. Oppa is brother while Gangnam is a place in Korea. I just don't know why those words got together in the first place. haha
I also got frustrated with the song's dance moves, not because I don't like it but more like because I can't dance. I have two left feet. Gaaah.
Well practice makes perfect.
Hanging-out in the mall's food court is really not that bad after all.
Me and my friend Charlene has been chilling here every Monday, Wednesday and Friday of September already. And we sort of look forward to their snacks promo. So I guess we gained weight lately.
Compared to lounging at coffee shops, this is more pocket friendly. Plus we get to eat different kinds of food and not just drink coffee.
I also like the red table with the black bench that goes well with it. F for fabulous. But the ceiling is quite low so F for fail too.
Typo error in 100 words is really embarrassing because you can't edit it. Once you click on submit entry, there is no turning back.
You'll end up laughing at your silly mistake, that ruined your entry. Like what happened to my 090712 entry.
I wrote remember instead of reminder. Maybe because I wrote it around 2 in the morning.
What will that guy whom I dedicated that entry to will say about it?
But what can I do? Nothing. I'll just post this entry to somehow defend that paragraph. So don't judge me yet. lol
I knew it. I knew it, but then I still tried.
I knew that once Iíll say hello to you, we will be saying goodbye, sooner than Sunday or next day. The ending is there but it was never specified.
I guess this is when I have to give you back my smiles.
Donít worry, Iím ready, I knew this all along. Thatís why I was really trying to stop this silly feeling and the thoughts of you all day long.
It's sad that this wouldn't work.
School is about to end. I am not happy about it though. Thirteen days left.
I love being in school because it distracts me from a lot of things. Actually becoming my great escape. I don't need drugs and alcohol, I have assignments and exams.
This is where I actually hang-out with the human beings that makes me smile, not applicable to everyone in school though. This is also where my favorite place is found, the fiction aisle in the library.
I will miss school. Gaaah, I guess I will be suffering from separation anxiety disorder this semestral break. lol jk
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