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September 25, 2002
It was really such a strange experience. I realized how deep my desire to feel in control runs. To allow the sensation of an involuntary shiver is highly uncomfortable to me. It was so uncomfortable, I had to laugh. I was entertained by the frantic, deafening screams in my head to stop. It even tried different tactics. First demanding, then a softer manipulation that said, "you've done plenty, you get this." I kept on, yet not easily. I recognized the embarrassment, too. I remember this discomfort. I still don't know whether or not the voice was connected to that memory.